Don't want to slip down again into depression.

I've eaten nothing today. I have a slight belly ache and feel a little nauseated. I've been losing weight without trying to. I feel unwell.

I think you're simply not using terms according to how they are defined. When a woman my age experiences the death of a partner who is quite elderly and sick with a terminal illness, that simply is not "trauma." It's like how some people think that "migraine" means severe headache. Lots of headaches - even very severe ones - are not necessarily "migraines." A migraine is one specific type of headache. There are others . . . some of which can be even worse than a typical migraine.

My losing my s.o. may have been devastating to me. Devastating doesn't equate to "traumatic."

The plan is for me to take Seroquel. It might help me sleep. And reduce anxiety.
Next week I'm supposed to start Latuda.

The Seroquel I took before didn't help me relax. I feel like I'm going through mental torture. I better take my other night pills.

I ate virtually nothing today at all. I have no appetite. The thought of food makes me feel nauseated. I woke up at 3 a.m. I've been awake all day since then. I keep having these big, deep yawns. Like I'm really tired and need sleep. But I'm way to tense and on edge to sleep.

I want a doctor to give me a pill that will stop this. Knock me out . . . turn off my brain . . . let me know peace. I can't stand living like this.

I better take some more pills.

Have you considered eating something that doesn’t require any effort to eat? Or maybe just drink liquids or very soft food ? When my son in law unexpectedly died, for the first week my daughter only ate like a smoothie that you can drink or a yogurt or apple sauce or cottage cheese. Nothing that required chewing

When you clean your refrigerator (and make it a priority), maybe you can buy stuff (you can order if you don’t want to go to the store) that requires no effort to eat?

Thank you, divine. I also need to have stuff on hand thst doesn't require cooking. I'm not up to having a messy kitchen to clean. I can barely mane myself wash out a mug after I drink some hot chocolate out of it. So I need stuff like coldcuts to make a sandwich. I bought some frozen sausage biscuits that you just pop in the microwave for breakfast. I have no appetite to eat one this morning. Maybe later.

At least I did sleep through the night. I guess the Seroquel did that much for me. I feel fatigued right now. I'll try lying down. Thank you all for taking an interest in my progress. It means so much to not feel all alone.

What you can do Rose is when you shop buy frozen dinners that you can cook in the microwave and eat the dinners right out of the container it comes in than throw it out so you don't have any dishes to clean. There are frozen dinners that are really good and at least you are getting nourishment. Also, it's important to put food in your stomach, even if it's just toast so the acids in your stomach don't build up and make you nauseous etc. Also, make sure you get crackers or saltines to have on hand so you can eat some of those to help keep your stomach quiet. You can also buy some throw away cups so you don't have to wash glasses or cups and you can just rinse off whatever silverware you use after you eat.

(((Rose))) you have to eat and move around. That's what you did in that hospital and you began to feel better as you were eating and walking around and socializing here and there. Be strong minded for yourself.

These are good suggestions. I have to start a shopping list with good ideas, like frozen dinners. At my s.o.'s house I kept a pad on his fridge and wrote down what we needed. So I always shopped with a list. Now I have been walking around the store not knowing what I needed.

Being disorganized is terrible. I used to be very organized, with systematic way of doing things. I changed to this person who keeps track of nothing. Like Tues night I didn't put my trash barrel out near the curb because I thought it was Monday. So a week's worth of my trash didn't get picked up. The neighbors must think I'm crazy.

I managed to eat 2 sausage biscuits just now and a wedge of lettuce. I feel better from that food in my stomach. Also I took a hydrocodone 10 mg. My r. arm and lower back have felt sore. (Just typing on my phone is a big strain on my arm.)

I have so much stuff in my living room that the guy from DirecTv couldn't even get to the wall where he wanted to drill a hole to put the cable to the dish on the roof. So I'm paying for satellite TV right now that I'm not even able to get because my TV is not hooked up. It feels lonely not having any television. I like talk radio, but I miss the news and commentary on TV.

Today I'm not as intimidated by the mess around me as I was yesterday. But I still don't have a plan for working through this mess.

I think I need one of those experts on decluttering who help hoarders to clean up their homes.

There are companies that sell that service - even here in my city - but I bet it's an expensive service.

It’s worth checking that service out Rose. That may not be that expensive for a small apartment.

Yes a shopping list is a good idea. If you just write frozen dinners down you can find that isle and check out all the different dinners. After a while you will learn what you like and look for when there are sales on these dinners so you can stock up.

What about the person that got your bathroom all nice for you? Maybe that person can help you work on slowly getting the rest picked up and looking nice too. Once you get things manageable you will feel so much better and be able to maintain it.

It’s worth it to get your environment organized as right now it’s clearly overwhelming you and the more you can reduce that the better you will feel about your environment/home and yourself.

I took Seroquel twice more today. I thought I needed to do that to keep the anxiety away. (Seroquel seemed to have made me sleep through the night and wake up a good deal calmer.) Well what I took has proved to be too much. I am over-sedated now. I can't even move around normally. I'm very light-headed when I stand. This is not a good effect at all. I feel like I have to stay sitting.

When I'm only going to speak to the prescriber once every 14 days, then I'm going to experiment on my own in between. I can't depend on providers to give me the right meds at the right dosages. It's not like having a doctor you can call when you want. I wish I could afford a psychiatrist I could work with on my own . . . in an old-fashioned practice with an answering service. Instead I get care through systems where I have very limited access to the prescriber. So, left on my own so much, I try things out on my own. The last few days were a nightmare of anxiety. I'm trying to further escape from the clutches of that misery. But I went and overdid it.

Well . . . it will wear off.

Well the Seroquel knocked you out and you slept. So that means you need to take less if you expect to function. It’s possible half a pill is enough to reduce the anxiety but allow you to function. That is if it’s a pill and not a capsule.

Your blood test said you are anemic so what’s the next step to find out why and correct it? And you were going to do a urine test too to make sure you don’t have an infection.

Also anxiety tends to come from flight so often what helps is to either go for a walk or take a drive. I can get that myself and I just get in my car and drive and it helps.

I think the way your apartment is right now is affecting you more than you realize and is adding to your sense of loss. You are physically and mentally run down and you have not been eating well either.

Get the persons number that cleaned your bathroom and go sit in your car and call her and see if she can help you. If it’s too cluttered to connect your TV then start there first so you can watch TV as that can give you things to hear, see, and think about lessening the sense of isolation as well as give you a sense of control because you can change to different programs. It also helps you feel more connected and help to motivate you.

Add a good cereal to your shopping list that has fiber but tastes good so your gut keeps moving and you don’t end up getting constipated.

(((Hugs))).

I started off today hopeful. I didn't do anything that I hoped I would do. I just cried over how disappointed I am in not starting to work on fixing the place up.

All I keep wanting to do is sit with my phone looking at articles, videos and checking my thread. This makes me feel connected to others.

I misplaced my glasses. I won't be able to drive until I find them. In the chaos around me, that could be quite a hunt.

I want to go wash a few dishes. I get near the sink, and then I walk away.

I bought an inexpensive antenna for my TV. Now I don't know where I put it. It's got to be in the car or in this apt. If I find it, I can watch some TV, which would really be nice.

As soon as I get up, I have this strange feeling of being alone. I could call a friend, but I don't want to do that either. They mean well and have been as nice as they could be. They can't really understand this paralysis I have. I can't keep saying things over and over like a broken record.

Thanks for listening.

Well that’s what happens when overwhelmed. It’s hard to actually feel motivated when so much is disorganized the way you describe. It’s hard enough for someone not depressed and feeling run down so it’s totally understandable you make it to the sink and then lose motivation to do anything once you get there.

Don’t worry about repeating or needing to reach out.

I found a postcard I sent him when I was away and he was still well. I don't believe my life without him can ever compare to my life with him. I loved being with him. When I wrote on that postcard, all I could think was that I wished he were with me. I was just gone for a week, but I missed him. We always missed each other so much.

It's so painful to lose who you love and have been loved by.

I've lost my glasses somewhere here in the apartment. They have to be here somewhere. Unlike most people, I remove my glasses to read. I have great vision for close up. Since I do a lot of reading, I'm always putting my glasses on and off. I need them for seeing clearly anything more than 12 inches away. So now it's hard to even look for them.

I wonder would it seem crazy to hire someone to help me search the apt for these glasses. I just don't want to ask my friends.

This makes me feel so incompetent. I can't drive without glasses. Whenever I'm not reading, I need them. I need them to cook . . . to wash dishes, etc. When I took them off, I knew I would need them again soon. I should have placed them somewhere carefully. I can't depend on myself to do anything right. It's awful.

I went to bed around 4 a.m. and fell asleep. Then at 5 a.m. I woke up again. I thought the Seroquel would keep me asleep longer. I don't want to be awake now.

I don't think it's a bad idea to get someone in there to help you find your glasses. I've finally got prescription glasses and I feel like I cant see what I'm doing without them. Yes get help with that please

Yes, it's very hard to lose anyone we loved that was a big part of our lives. It doesn't even matter how old a person is either. It takes a while for us to finally accept it and learn to live life without that presense.

Last year my mother in law passed suddenly and she was 92 but still very present mentally. It really felt awful and my FIL is still having a hard time and tends to mention repeatedly how they were together for 70 years. I miss her very much as she was such a kind good caring person. Then my little shitzu died and I had him for almost 18 years and he was my best buddie and it took me such a long time to remember he was gone and I still miss him but have accepted he is no longer here. Then my father passed away, and two months later my mom passed. It's been very hard to accept my life without all these presences.

However, it's this very attachment that has contributed to our survival and also all the things we have learned to prolong our lives too. It's how we all come to value life and without this feeling we probably would have not survived. Grieving reminds us we are human and capable of caring for others. It's always lonely when learning how to continue forward without someone we cared about and loved. We were not meant to "just get over it" either. It's supposed to have lasting meaning, as without that we would just be savages.