Don't want to slip down again into depression.

I'm glad you've been helped by the Cymbalta. I agree that a benzo is not the best way to treat depression.

I have no aversion to taking anything that might help. I do take an antidepressant. It's an old one - amitriptyline. It is no doctor's first choice, and doctors have tried to switch me to lots of other antidepressants. This one that I take dramatically helped me when I got put on it at age 25 . . . much to my surprise. I've tried going off it a few times. That's never gone well. It's no cure, but I'ld be way worse off without it. I know that from experience. From 2012 to when my s.o. passed away, that was all I took, and I was content just taking that. (I did het Ritalin added a few years ago, which I take sporadically.)

Now that I'm clearly in and out of emotional crisis, providers are looking to try every and any thing. When I feel this bad for this long, I'll bite the heads off of snakes, if there's any posibility that might relieve the distress I'm in.

Providers in psych throw everything but the kitchen sink at someone like me. Here are the categories of what's in my med drawyer: antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, anti-Parkinsons meds, antihistamines, anxiolytics, analgesics, antidepressants, stimulants. (Plus I got a bottle of wine in the fridge.) It doesn't matter what your psych diagnosis is. They use all of them for every diagnosis, if you seem to be "treatment resistant." Once I was on one drug to suppress dopamine, while taking another med to elevate dopamine.

I have to go out now to get the Latuda, which I've not had before. Tonight I'll try it.

What I mentioned taking today took two hours to work, but has kicked in. So I'll go run my errands. At the moment I feel pretty good.

I'll try just about anything. Seroquel has put me to sleep past few nights, but I'm still waking up at 3:30 a.m. I've been losing weight from lack of appetite, which never happened to me before.

I better get going.

Now I feel awful. I miss him so bad. I don't think I can have a good life ever again. For a few weeks I got kind of hopeful. But that wore off.

I went out and did some errands that were important. Now I don't want to do anything. I've eaten two pieces of bread this morning and nothing since. I'm not hungry. I was planning to cook some chili tonight. I can't get interested in doing that.

I'm starting to think living without him is going to be way worse than I had any idea of.

(((((Rose))))) yes this is part of grieving NORMAL. Everything you just expressed feeling is normal yet though this feeling is strong it’s not fact. You can rebuild your life but today you felt the pangs of grief. Today was a challenge. But you did go out and got important errands done. Something important got accomplished even though you experienced some deep grief today. That comes and goes after losing someone you loved and was a partner for so long. It takes time (((Rose)).

I am proud of you for getting yourself dressed and out to do those important errands. Very good!