Don't want to slip down again into depression.

After my S.O. died 2 months ago, I went through a lot of stress and wound up on a psych unit for 8 days. This was a small behavioral inpatient facility that I never even heard of, but the place was actually worth going to. I came out vastly improved compared to when I arrived there. Since leaving there, I haven't been in a bad state of mind. However I feel myself, today, slipping in a bad direction. I base that on my having spent the day in my recliner trying to decide what to do next. I've done nothing all day.

I'm supposed to be getting out-patient services from a psych provider that is supposed to give me counseling and med management. I guess this week I'll get more connected with this clinic.

I have a lot to do to make my apartment into a home again. I've spent the last few years living at my boyfriend's place taking care of him. We kind of turned my apt into a warehouse. I've made a decent start over the past few weeks. But I've kind of hit a wall. I'm surrounded by disorganized piles of stuff, and today I got overwhelmed and intimidated. I wonder if I can get some counseling that might help me with this. I have mild hoarding tendencies and compulsive tendencies about dust and cleaning. There is mail and paperwork I must deal with, and I'm not making headway on that.

Another part of my plan for getting healthy mentally was to cultivate connections with other people. There are 4 friends that I've been in frequent contact with. The problem is that they are kind of needy types and seem to be aiming at sucking the life out of me. One showed up yesterday, while I was immersed in some important paperwork. Just as I was making some progress with that, she showed up asking if she could hang out with me because she was having an anxiety attack. She stayed the day and took all of my attention. I ended up cooking dinner for her. I would much rather have been alone yesterday doing what I started. We had gone to lunch together just the day before, which I had enjoyed. She's starting to be needy. I've gone through this in past years with her. I've had to, at times, just make myself unavailable to her, so she'll back off. I'm kind to people I'm friendly with and will sympathize with them on any problems they are having. It tends to get me taken advantage of. They want to call me on the phone and go on for an hour about some issue they're having. Today I got calls from two friends who are like that. I simply didn't answer the phone.

I don't want to slip back into an episode of depression. I don't want to hang around lethargically doing nothing. And I don't want hours of my life spent listening to a bunch of moaning that just goes round in circles.

After doing nothing all day, I'm probably going to have a hard time sleeping tonight. I don't want tomorrow to be like today. I guess I'm looking for some moral support and encouragement. Those who've followed my recent threads might have some insight.

Once I greeted a worker at my house, "Welcome to our humble storage facility."
Sorry, I got nuthin'. A recent therapist, however, was a fan of "KonMari."
If you find a magic resolution to this, please let us know. Personally, I withdraw. But I'm still low-energy and minimally productive.

Someone else recommended her to me, if she's the Japanese lady on YouTube who tells you how to get organized.

No, I've found no magic resolution to people glomming on when they find someone willing to be attentive. What I've learned is you just have to be a bit callous and reject someone doing that. You have to set a boundary and be a bit ruthless in maintaining it.

I've also learned that these kind of emotional parasites know what they're doing. Once they detect that you are trying hard to avoid being hurtful, they make it so you can't disentangle from them without pushing them away kind of roughly. It's like emotional blackmail. I've learned that people like that always manage to take more attention than they give. They are lonely because those who know them avoid them. When they find someone willing to attend to them, they latch on and become almost aggressive in their insistance that you listen to them. One of these friends called me today. I ignored the call. She called back 2 more times right away. I had previously tried to set a 30 minute limit on our phone conversations. But she fights my attempts to wind up a conversation. I have to get very adamant about saying goodbye. I actually like her a lot. But I can't take being drained like that.

Right now you need to take care of you. You've been dealing with more than your share of hurt and heartache. No one could blame you for needing a break from needy people. Do these people not know what you've went through? Are they truly so self absorbed that they can't be there for you without draining you further??

Tomorrow is a new day. I believe in you that you can get up and at'em. You are definitely a strong person and you got this

I also struggle with hoarding tendencies and forming unhealthy relationships. I have gotten better at the relationship side by recognizing emotional vampires earlier and avoiding getting entangled in the first place, but now I feel like I don't have as many friends as I used to. I liked your idea of setting thirty minute time limits with people and other boundaries. I wind up just cutting off the friendships entirely because I can't figure out how to make someone stop taking up 95% of the conversation with talking about themselves or only calling me when they have a problem they want me to solve.


What are the next steps to take in getting connected with that outpatient service? If there was anything you could do to move that along, that would be a great small goal for today. I have found that setting extremely small goals, like taking care of just one thing in a pile or spending 5 minutes looking at papers, helps me a lot when it comes to big cleaning projects. Overcoming that initial bias to not do anything is huge. I hope you have a better day today.

When get up in the morning, dress up. Like no pajamas or robes but actual clothes. It usually prompts me to get stuff done.

Go outside even if few minutes to get some air.

Make to do list and go through crossing things out.

Buy attractive baskets and stuff you aren’t sure about can go in there. When you are ready to go through them you will. Until then at least they aren’t an ugly pile.

Don’t answer the phone when you don’t feel like talking and if you don’t want people to come over and they show up, don’t open the door. If you want to limit a conversation then you say you have a virtual doctor appointment or maintenance guy came in to fix leaking faucet and hang up

If you have hoarding tendencies talk to a therapist about it. There is more to it then just organizing. It’s usually deeper than that. So if you can’t get rid of stuff, at least arrange it so it looks attractive.

Rose, turn the ringer off on your phone so you don't get disturbed by it ringing. Also, tell this person you would prefer she not "just" stop by because you need your space right now to focus on getting some things done.

When you are a caregiver like you were with your SO, it's easy to get in the habit of putting your own needs aside because the other person genuinely needs your care. You did that for a very long time too, so it's become a habit that you will need to work your way out of with others. It's good that you are actually noticing that you ended up giving into this friend and let her take up your day like that. People can quickly start expecting things from us if we are not careful, it's human nature more than someone choosing to expect things. You can have a friend still, it's just that you have to let her know that you need to turn your focus on getting your life organized and would prefer to see her or talk when YOU can make time for it.

You also need to allow yourself time to get organized too. Set a plan to organize one thing at a time and commit to getting rid of anything that isn't something you need in your life. You have not had that kind of power in a long time in that you had to live your life around your SO. You don't want to have that kind of relationship with someone else either and that's ok. Yes, it's nice to socialize, but not "service" others who think they are helping you by "needing" you to sit and solve their life challenges. I think you have had enough of that, an it's OK to realize that about yourself and take over the time you are willing to engage that way.

You will feel better if you get more organized but also find "healthier" ways of interacting with others, you tend to do better when you can take things in, learn and grow instead of giving up whatever you do have to others. Make a commitment to get rid of all the crap around you in your place, like the bathroom that got cleaned and organized. From what I learned about you Rose, you ALWAYS feel so much better when you get your place clean and organized.

The fact that you are even aware of what you shared Rose means that you are improving. Awareness is the beginning of moving away from depression.

I have an idea of how hard this is for you Rose. You have a way of listening and being empathetic that people catch on to and glom on to. Myself included. You've been sincere in your advice over the years and I thank you for that.
As for what to do, I myself struggle to have friends that are not totally wrapped up in their own situations. It's also a difficult time during a pandemic, but I'm very hopeful for you.

You have skills, that maybe when the tough times are not as tough, you could try some teaching of some sort. Maybe English as a second language. Here those courses dont have a huge cost. Maybe there, your disability could help with training?
I hope you got some much needed peace ful sleep, love and hugs to you

Thank you all. I've given thought to every sentence in each of the posts above.

I'm supposed to get some bloodwork done that this clinic wants. I hadn't even thought of that until I read the advice above to do something to move along the process of getting what this clinic has to offer. So, soon as I dry off from my shower and get dressed, I'm going to the lab.

I couldn't find the paperwork to bring to the lab, so I didn't get the bloodwork done. This scares me that I can't keep track of paperwork.

I did go to the laundromat. I did visit a friend who I gave some things to that she needed and that I needed to get rid of. So that was 2 things. I tell myself that, even if I just accomplish one thing each day, in a month that will be 30 things. So no reason to despair that nothing is getting done.

Also I just found out I'm anemic. It may be do to a bleeding ulcer that has been a problem in the past. So my lack of energy and tendency to keep getting real tired may be related to that.

This evening I had escalating anxiety over how much stuff I need to get done. For half the day I was just paralyzed. I don't want tomorrow to be like that.

Rose, you have been through a major event in your life. Losing paperwork like that would be pretty normal considering what you have and had been going through. Focus on the fact that you thought about needing to get that blood work done as that's a sign you are improving enough to think in the now and about moving forward.

It's GOOD/EXCELLENT that you did what you did yesterday. It means you are moving in the right direction. Remember, even just thinking about your needing to get that bloodwork done is GOOD, it's progress. Try not to see things as a mountain, but that you are focusing on the path itself one step at at time.

Thank you. Getting mad at myself is not going to help anything. I have to figure out how to best get a bit more organized.

I recently had diverticulitis. I thought I was recovered from that, but this morning I have symptoms that seem like domething is still wrong in the GI dept. I've had frequent trips to the bathroom this morning. I'm going to try and make a plan for the day, so I don't waste a lot of time.

Yup be patient with yourself. You are a strong person capable of being committed. Everyone can see that about you. You will get your life organized one day at a time. No one looking over your shoulder but you so be the kind caring person you are to yourself.💕

I think you are doing great under the circumstances. You are doing better than many people who weren’t care givers for anyone. You not only lost a loved one but you were also his full time care giver and you already accomplished so much since his passing. Give yourself a break and take one day a time. No need to feel bad if you take things slow or even do nothing for days. Hugs

I went out and got a very important errand done. So that's something. If I get something accomplished around the house this eve, I will get back my self-respect.

I've been sitting here in my recliner just paralyzed since my last post. Then I got sad and weepy. My nose is stuffed up from crying so I can't breathe through it.

If I get up and do anything at all, it will be better than sitting here getting more depressed.

I'm letting myself feel defeated. Like I'll never get my apartment straightened up. Like I'll never get all this paperwork sorted through. And I think of these people I've been hanging out with. They like calling or getting together with me because I listen to them and take an interest in whatever they have on their minds. Not one of them really asks me how I'm doing. I know not to even mention my s.o. and the grief of losing him. That would be the absolute last thing they would want to hear about, so of course I don't bring it up. They've all not been in relationships for a long time. The ones they were in failed long ago. I think they kind of resent that I was with someone I loved and felt loved by and would still be with, if he were still here. Their relationships didn't end like that. I get the feeling they're very glad I'm free now and want to do things with me. And they don't want to know anything about the life I was living these past few years.

Well I stopped crying. I need to do some self-care like feeding myself.

Hang in there Rose, did you get some good or at least half way decent sleep yet? I sure hope so. I know I'm not as well lately from loss of sleep.
It's ok to cry but I know it gets to feeling like your alone in these friendships. Surely more will come your way, but right now you are your priority. I'm not in your shoes at all, but me trying to do everything myself lately, well, I'm realizing just how dependent I was on someone else. Not the same at all, but life is so hard as it is. I'm trying to say this is a hard time for you, grieve, but know at least that we are here to talk to and listen... please go eat and try to sleep. .. remember, sufficient for today is it's own troubles. (((((Rose)))))))

Thanks very much.

I went out for some fast food, which I ate in the car. Now I don't want to go back inside my apartment. I'm just sittinghere parked.

If I go home and get something done to make it nicer for me there, then I'll feel lots better. I have to sit here and think about that.

I came home and did nothing to improve things here, but tomorrow is another day.

A few hours ago, I got a phone call from someone I recently got friendly with. As usual, she talked non-stop about what problems she was dealing with. Toward the end of the call, she actually said that she wanted to hear more about me the next time we talk. She said she realized she was making our talk all about her. I'm finding that people often know they are being self-centered in their interaction, but they just keep being that way. They get something out of me that they really value because they keep coming back for more. On the other hand, when I got very down over the past two days, I knew I would get no real moral support from them. I called one of them on Sunday eve to talk about shopping together sometime this week. I mentioned right off that I was not in good shape mentally. She made a very kind-sounding remark about how "that's why you have friends . . . to help you through times like that." She sounded so warm saying that. Then she went on to talk about herself for over an hour. I could barely get a word in edgewise. When this is happening, I find it comical . . . but it's really not funny. People like that gravitate toward me like I'm magnetic. If I spent less time with these types, maybe I'ld come across better companions.

My hope had been to find a grief-support group where there might be more mutuality. COVID put a damper on that kind of thing. I think I should still keep looking though.

Where I'm supposed to get outpatient services was supposed to offer me counseling. Then that didn't happen. I think I am going to have to push harder.

I'm very glad of the support I get here. The feedback shows real interest, thought and concern. But I need something out here in real life too.

At the psych hospital, a counselor told me she thought I underestimated "the magnitude of" my problem with depression. I told her I didn't think it was I who was doing the underestimating. All my life I've been told that I'm strong and capable and will do just fine with whatever problem I'm having. There may be truth in all of that. But I get severely dejected and find I'm largely alone trying to cope.

Getting meds sure is easy though. Over the past 2 months, I've been prescribed enough drugs to fill several gallon-size ziplock bags. The hospital discharged me with a bunch, and my regular providers threw some more in. I've got Seroquel, Abilify, Depakote, Buspar, Vistaril, Elavil, Ritalin, Trazadone. Plus I've got non-psych meds that are strongly psychoactive, like Hydrocodone, Phenergan and Pramipexole. This is the chaos and craziness that passes for modern psychiatry. Out of all that, I basically just take the Elavil and the hydrocodone. But I've decided to run my own experiments. So I just took 3 Phenergan tablets. (37.5 mg) to see if they would help me sleep. My provider ordered them for nausea I got as a side effect from taking Pramipexole last week. For anxiety snd sleep, I'm supposed to be taking Vistaril. But I've read that the Phenergan might actually work better than the Vistaril for those purposes.

I think the hospital is afraid it won't get reimbursed by Medicare, unless it orders a bunch of psych meds. When I was there for 8 days, what really helped me was being fed nice meals and being treated nicely by the staff . . . and by peers. One day, when my temperature was sub-normal, a tech covered me up with several blankets heated in their clothes drier. But Medicare isn't going to pay for a hotel/spa experience. A week of just having a bunch of people be very nice to you can do a lot for a battered psyche.

It lasted me a good little while, but it's wearing off. Plus I'm getting depleted by others seeking me out for my caregiving capabilities and leaving me drained. I need help. I'm not clear on how to get it.

After 4 a.m. and I am still awake. I could have fallen asleep hours ago, but I've been fighting it. I'm afraid of falling asleep . . . afraid I'll get swallowed up by a big bunch of nothingness. So I stay focused on my connection to the Internet, reading articles and watching videos. I keep finding things to look at so I'll be connected to something. This is not good. There is something wrong with me that I won't allow myself to fall asleep.

But now I'm exhausted, so I think I will sleep. This is an awful state of mind to be in.