Nihilistic depression

I have begun, I am afraid, to enter one of the phases of my psychology that I hate the most. I’m beginning to feel very nihilistic. Everything feels fake to me all of life feels like it is meaningless. I just can’t care about anything. I wonder how everyone just goes through life caring about their work, their family, when nothing matters, when eventually the whole universe will blink out of existence. I know I have done some bad things as well in my life, nothing truly terrible mind you, but I have hurt some people psychologically I am afraid. I also feel self pity I mean I didn’t exactly get to choose the mixture of genes and environment that led to me doing these things I feel guilty or ashamed of. Then I chastise myself for feeling self pity I after all am still responsible for the words I have said and the things I have done. And it’s not like some outside entity chose the path I am on at best it’s all randomly distributed and we all had equal chances of drawing the short straw, and at worst I made terrible decisions that I was free to choose otherwise. I also don’t believe in god or an afterlife or reincarnation or anything like that so I feel like I had one chance to get it right and I f——ed it up.

Sheesh, looking back on this today makes me cringe. I love my family a lot I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, and I'm sure other people feel the same way. I just get into these headspaces where "Why am I even bothering" plays on loop in my head over and over, and overwhelming feelings of guilt for mistakes I think I have made. I just have this kind of useless wish that I could go back 20 years knowing what I know now and try again.

I can relate. I'm kind of there right now. Everything feels pointless/meaningless.

I also feel guilt over mistakes i have made. More than guilt, shame really. I feel the only thing i can do is withdraw from the world and be a recluse so i don't inflict any more mistakes on anyone and i don't accrue any more shame to roast in. It's the best thing for everyone.

But thanks for teaching me what nihilistic depression means. Neat term. Good vocab!

God how different my life would be if I knew what I know now 20 years ago. I keep blaming my parents for not teaching me what parents should teach their children so they can get around in the world later, but not everything is their fault.

Well there's a reason for the quote "Youth is wasted on the youth" lol. Young people do ignorant things. All of them.

If it's any consolation, I know a guy whose IQ is off the charts and is super educated. He doesn't like religion but he's convinced there's more to life than what we see here, and firmly believes there's a purpose for existence----we just aren't supposed to know what it is (yet).
Seems like a possibility.