[Rose76]

I've been hospitalized for depression twice since my s.o. passed away almost 3 months ago. This second time, I was there for exactly one week. I got discharged 5 days ago. I want to recover more and feel better, but I am truly afraid that I am heading for more trouble. I've been wracking my brain about what to do.

I was not rushed out of the psych hospital. Staff there were very supportive toward me, as were my fellow patients. I agreed that staying longer would probably not serve any good purpose. On the morning of my last day there, a senior counselor sat with me. It was a long talk. I broke down sobbing a few times. I was still feeling severe grief at times. He told me I could stay longer, or return again in the future, if I felt in crisis again.

The counselor agreed I was still in crisis that very morning. However, I felt I could further recover best at home. Since leaving, I haven't had an episode of severe grief. I'm surrprised. I gotten a bit weepy now and again, but it has been what I would call normal grieving. I don't sob hysterically, like I was doing just before I went back into the hospital.

I'm still not taking care of myself as I need to do. I've been losing weight since June 1rst. Some days I've just eaten bowls of Cherrios. My apartment is very cluttered and disorganized. I don't cook because there is no room in the kitchen to work, due to clutter. I am anemic. Also, I've developed sores on the corners of my mouth that I think reflect nutritional deficiencies and inadequate oral hygiene. This is depression.

Instead of feeling horrible grief, I have been pretty calm and content to watch TV and read online. But I'm doing too much of that. I neglect just about everything, as though it all doesn't matter. I go days without opening my mail box. When I finally do, I bring in the mail and I don't even open it. I risk missing something really important. As I said before, I'm not eating properly. I don't want to ruin my health like I'm doing.

I wrote and mailed a letter today to my primary care provider, who is a physician's assistant. I told her about my going again to the hospital. I told her about my ongoing lack of motivation to take better care of myself.

I know it's up to me to take care of my responsibilities. Every evening I say that I'll do better the next day . . . and then I don't. I'm scared. I fear not having the will to pull myself out of the rut I'm in.

Hours go by that I just kind of vegetate. I'm getting physically weaker. I can't seem to grapple with tidying up my apartment. I always had mild hoarding tendencies, but they've gotten out of control. I get great anxiety thinking about what to do with all the stuff around me (a lot from my s.o.'s apartment that I had to empty out.

I'm scared. I want to ask for help. I don't know what to ask for. I live okay on a small income. I did hire cleaners to do some heavy cleaning that was needed. I can't afford to hire much more help. Plus, I can't really delegate the sorting that remains to be done.

After my first hospitalization, I tackled getting stuff dealt with and made good progress. Then I went backwards and started just adding to the mess. I'm tripping over bags of stuff here and there.

A neighbor of mine stopped by, looked around and said, "No wonder you're depressed. You need help." I get so anxious about how to proceed.

I've had compulsive tendencies all my life, but now it's out of control. I pick up some item and spend forever trying to decide what to do with it.

I don't expect some pill to fix this. I don't expect some counselor to explain the secrets of getting organized. I know what I need to do. I just don't manage to make myself do it. It's truly frightening.

Paradoxically, a boring task becomes more interesting if you concentrate on it. Be mindful of it. I started with just a dirty casserole dish the other day. My only goal was to wash that one dish. I enjoyed it. I noticed how i have all the stuff for washing dishes -- nice stuff, dish soap, cloth, towel, etc. Anyways, that snowballed and i've gotten many other things done. Perhaps you could try mindfulness with just a small task. Just try and be with the task and notice your hands moving and your body and your senses and your thoughts. Once you've done one small thing you might be inspired to do more.

I think that advice is good from whatever
But, I know the tasks are overwhelming. Is there any one you'd let someone like the neighbor or friend you trust, to help you sort things and clean? I'm sorry you are getting so depressed.

[Rose76]

Thank you both. Those are worthy suggestions. I will re-read your posts tomorrow. I know someone I could hire to help a bit. She was a caregiver to my boyfriend and did some useful sorting of stuff at his apartment.

I feel like I want to talk with a professional about my hoarding and compulsive ways of dealing with "stuff." I want my PCP to at least know how badly stressed I feel. I've got a drawyer full of psychotropics which I don't think will help me very much. I do take whatever will help me fall asleep.

I gave up on getting psych care in the healthcare system where I go for my primary healthcare. I hate that my care in recent months has had me bouncing around among several healthcare systems.

There is a psychiatrist over where I get my primary care. He would be the logical person to follow me, while I'm having serious mental health issues. I did have a telephone meeting with him a few weeks after my boyfriend died. I told him I requested it because I felt my grieving was becoming abnormal. He couldn't have been more dismissive. He told me everything I was going through was "totally normal." I knew I was becoming unglued. He wouldn't hear of it. He's over age 70 and has always seemed very indifferent toward me. We've met a few times over the past few years. I've never felt he had any interest in me. That healthcare system also has a psych hospital. It's all state run. Most people agree that psych hospital is the worst psych facility in town. It's a university teaching hospital. They train psych residents there to be pdocs. I even worked there for a few years. It's just a miserable place.

I'm floundering trying to keep up with providers here and there.

I don't want to burden my PCP with stuff she might think I should be telling the psychiatrist about. But I want someone who knows me to hear what I'm going through and just realize that I'm not doing too well, even if there is not much they can do about it.

You need medical care for your physical needs, I just re read your first post. That worries me , how much weight did you lose? You don't have to answer that, but you've got a drawer full of pills that you know can only do so much..

dear Rose, I hope you can get a different psychiatrist ,
this one and that facility for care, makes sense to follow up on but he doesn't sound too good.
I wish I knew what to say. If you need to go inpatient they did say you can come back.

I would maybe go to ER from symptoms like the anemia, mouth sores and losing weight, you need more than that one you emailed. She's good to talk to, the pcp assistant? Can you call?or have to wait to mail them?

Oh and talking to someone about hoarding or organizing issues is a great idea!

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by 2daffodils

You need medical care for your physical needs, I just re read your first post. That worries me , how much weight did you lose? You don't have to answer that, but you've got a drawer full of pills that you know can only do so much..

dear Rose, I hope you can get a different psychiatrist ,
this one and that facility for care, makes sense to follow up on but he doesn't sound too good.
I wish I knew what to say. If you need to go inpatient they did say you can come back.

I would maybe go to ER from symptoms like the anemia, mouth sores and losing weight, you need more than that one you emailed. She's good to talk to, the pcp assistant? Can you call?or have to wait to mail them?

Thanks for understanding that I have a serious problem. I'm worried about what's going to happen to me.

I do need medical treatment for the anemia. In Dec, my PCP sent me for I/V infusions of iron. It seems I have a stomach ulcer that bleeds at times. That seems to be why I have recurrent anemia.

I've gotten to where I kind of trust my PCP. She listens to me much better when we have telephone meetings, compared to when I see her in person at the clinic. During an office visit, she faces the computer monitor and types all the time that I'm talking to her. That's getting to be quite a trend among "providers." The patient ends up talking to the side of the provider's head. Thete's no eye contact for quite a while.

The weight loss is significant. I can tell by how much looser my clothes fit.

Now I'm sleepy because I woke up at 5 a.m. I was supposed to have work done on my car this morning, but I'm too sleepy. I keep missing appointments like that.

I was a little dizzy when I got up. I think that's from the psych meds.

[Rose76]

That hospital I was in referred me to a place to get out-patient care. I just got a phone call from them. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning. I don't have to leave my house. It will be by video on my smart phone. A psychiatric nurse practitioner will interview me for about an hour.

The practice where this NP will be calling from is part of a large, well-respected healthcare system in my state. I presume she'll be doing the med management. Eventually a counselor will call me from this same practice.

Somehow I don't have much faith that this is going to help me much. I wish I could be in a more positive frame of mind.

I wish you could feel more positive too. Seems like the new med might not be better, it might take time to know. I think that's a good sign that you have a phone appt.

Try not to lose faith in the system, but even here my psych doc only cares mostly about what meds I need. Talk more than a few minutes doesn't help for myself, but I've been with him for more than 10 years.

I hope this appt. is going to get you somewhere.. mention how much weight you lost and the anemia... you need physical health to be better before anything else in my opinion.. Keep trusting your pcp... this seems like your best source for help. I will remember you tomorrow and wish you the best with your video call !!

[Rose76]

Thank you very much, daffodils. I think I better make the most of this tomorrow. I'm not sobbing like I was doing. However, I am far from well. I sort of got rid of the sad-depression. In its place, I now have apathetic-depression. I'm nice and relaxed, but I feel like I don't care about anything. The apartment is getting messier day by day. I'm feeling physically weak from staying on the couch and doing nothing. I fear my future. I see myself staying in this mode of doing as little as I can get by with.

I realize the nurse practitioner tomorrow will probably be most interested in medication. I have many years of experience dealing with depression. Lots of meds were tried and proved worthless. I need to have people to interact with IRL. That's why I improved both times in that hospital.

I'm afraid the NP will say that she can't really help me with what I'm looking for.

[Rose76]

After being calm and fairly relaxed all day, I just now got very sad and weepy.

I don't consider this to be normal grief. This has too much fear in it. I'm fearful of what's happening to me. I'm alone in my apartment, listening to news on TV. Suddenly, I'm not liking being alone.

Earlier I spoke for an hour with a friend on the phone. I was in a good mood. We had a nice chat about lots of things.

I ate a frozen dinner. It was okay, and it filled me. All day I was happy watching TV. Suddenly, I'm upset.

I worry about talking to that NP tomorrow. I worry she won't understand that I have a very serious problem.

I'm going to take some Vistaril. They gave me that in the hosp for anxiety.

[Rose76]

Oh please help me someone. I got out of the psych hosp 6 days ago. Past 6 days I did good - no sobbing. Weepy now and then. Sad at times, but briefly. But mostly I watched TV and surfed the net. I ran a few errands. Yesterday afternoon I was neither depressed nor anxious. But, since my last post above, I've gotten in bad shape - sobbing, crying. Feeling dread if what my life will be like.

I won't let myself get hysterical this eve. I'm not calling a hot line, just to sob into it. I'm not going back to pace the hallway in the hospital. Now I've stopped crying.

Crying doesn't "let the pain out." Not when I'm by myself. It just sends me to a bad place.

The medicine I just took did no good. I never left the house today. Maybe this is just from sitting around too long.

I calmed down. I took Seroquel. I guess it kind of blew over.

It's being alone that contributes to these bad "spells." In the hospital I would look for anyone to interact with. That helped.

I don't want to become tedious to others.

I'm worried about that nurse practitioner calling tomorrow. I want her to know I'm not alright. I think about what to say.

You will know what to say, but I understand when being so overwhelmed it's hard. The writing out what you want her to know is a very good way to do this. I'm sorry you feel so alone.. I know it's all too much for you. You had his company companionship and sweet love for 30 or more years. This is a change you couldn't know how to handle. Even the most prepared person for knowing that death is coming it's a shock to the system.

For some strange reason I had a weird smile on my face at my mom's funeral.. I guess I was happy to see family long lost, but it was two days after she died. It's a shock and people will react in different ways. Eat what you can manage to and maybe try some sleep therapy sounds from youtube?

The nurse practitioner IS going to help you, just remember you are never truly alone, you have psych central community that cares for you very much.

[Rose76]

Thank you, Daff. I got over that bad spell I was under a few hours ago. I took a pain pill. Sometimes it helps with mental pain. I won't get my expectations up to high for what I'll get from the phone call tomorrow.

[Rose76]

I just had that video meeting on my phone with the Nurse Practitioner. Disappointing. She just read off a bunch of questions from her computer and typed in my answers. Basically, any typist could have been hired to do what she just did. There was little eye contact. She looked at the monitor that churned out the questions. She mostly kept her eyes on that and typed. She just read off questions.

At no time did I feel like I wa having a conversation with a human being.

She encuraged me to keep taking the meds I was given at the psych hosp. She recommended I stop one of them. I showed her with my phone how cluttered my apartment is. She didn't really comment on it. She said I was not set up to see a counselor. I said that was part of what I was looking for. She agreed to refer me, but said my insurance might not cover it.

After typing my response to her last question, she politely concluded the interaction. I feel so let down.

I don't know what I was expecting. This is pretty much how it goes today. I don't think she uttered a single word that wasn't just what she read off the monitor. I know she's a "provider," and they just prescribe medication. They stick to a script.

She said I should call in a few weeks to set up another appt for a video meeting with her.

[Rose76]

I googled the topic of doctors and other providers staring at a monitor and typing, while patients are trying to talk to them. It seems some of my resentment this morning toward the Nurse Practitioner may have been misdirected. I read about how electronic medica l records, which healthcare providers are mandated to use, are greatly changing the interaction between provider and patient. It seems the doctors and other providers are just as unhappy with the change as their patients are. The provider I spoke with this morning didn't have much of an option to do other than what she did. (Though she possibly could have injected a bit of human warmth. Instead, it was like being deposed by an attorney.) She had to use the form that the computer put in front of her, and she had to type in a response to every question. Also, because they are not doctors, NPs and PAs are not encouraged to free lance and engage with the patient in a spontaneous manner. There are liability issues related to that. So they slavishly follow this template that the system employing them has constructed. They rigidly stick to the script. It's dehumanizing to both the patient and the provider.

I took a Ritalin this morning. It did make me feel better an hour or so after I took it. Prior to when I took it and it kicked in, I got very sad and really distressed, like how I got last night. But I didn't give in to the feeling of starting to sob because that does no good. I was feeling despair that any of this psychiatric help is going to benefit me. I felt grief. It wasn't grief over my boyfriend passing away mostly. It was more grief over feeling that I've lost myself and lost my competency . . . and grief that I need help, but am unlikely to get help. I feel like real help doesn't even exist. The interview this morning was just the latest indication of that.

So I'm on the couch with a pillow and blanket, and this seems like a good place to stay. But I know I'm neglecting things and will pay a price for that.

[Rose76]

I continue to feel horribly stressed about my way over-cluttered apartment. So I contacted a person I found online who organizes as a business. He does small businesses and homes. He charges $150 per 3 hour session. I feel doubtful about that being a good way to go. But he is coming this eve for a free visit for 30 minutes.

What did you think of your free 30 min. visit? That sounds like too much $ for 3 hours. Sorry your video appt. went that way. I'd hoped you'd mention that your physical needs should be improved. Frozen dinners aren't filling.. i hope you start looking after that stuff. I'm thinking of buying ensure but the price of that stuff...

[Rose76]

The greet and meet with the organizing guy went alright. He was nice. He was also very fit looking, so he'ld be okay with doing some liftingvof moving of objects. (Help needed wouldn't be too strenuous.) He's coming Mon. I'm already motivated to try starting before he gets here.

I have so much bad anxiety. It will subside, once I start getting things in order.

As an alternative to Ensure, I recommend Carnation Instant Breakfast mixed with 1% milk. I think it tastes better. I like chocolate. I also like protein powder mixed with milk. (It's pricey, but a good value.) Ensure is an expensive way to get more protein in your diet. Not worth it in IMHO. I occasionally buy a case of chocolate "Boost." It tasted better when it had 15 grams of protein per bottle. Now it has 20 gm. to compete with other drinks. People are looking for more protein.

Drinks with more than 20 gm protein per 8 oz taste horrible - to me.

[Rose76]

Just had a bad spell of the weepies. Just got back from shopping. Coming home to an empty apartment made me feel very alone. From 2014 until this May, I was almost never alone. He was always there. Going shopping was recreational for me. He'ld tell me to hurry back. Sometimes I lingered, just looking at stuff. He'ld be waiting . . . missing me. I loved coming home to him. I'ld always bring home some special treat he liked.

He stayed in this world as long as he could. Then it was time for his struggle to end. He warmed me with his love. He deserves to be mourned. I'm glad I had someone worth grieving over. But it hurts so much tonight.