My Life is Such a Waste.

I'm a teacher. 30 y, Female, Asian.
Today was just a struggle for me.
I couldn't get anything right with my virtual lessons. Students weren't engaged.
We were all exhausted. Despite my workload, I enjoy my job and all the opportunities I've been given this year alone (mentor, member of 2 committees, speaking up more, confidence)

Lately, my thoughts have been wishing I would've gone away for graduate school, to the east coast, my dream. I feel like it's too late and I've wasted my life away the past 10 years just sitting on my *****. Now that I'm approaching 31, I feel this pressure to stay close to home, don't move, build community. I wasted so much time without a plan. Now, I'll never have that chance because I need to be close to family to "help out".

Aside from my professional life, I've been struggling with this numbing depression about personal issues.

I love my boyfriend. We have been dating for 3 years, but I have doubts of my own commitment issues. This is mostly caused by my constant need to please my family's wishes. I'm also trying to get on the same page about a future with my bf, too. Fundamentally, we are so compatible. It's just my family that is not hands-off. And it gets in the way of me making decisions with my bf.

I see others around me getting engaged, pregnant, buying houses, having kids, building their lives perfectly. Why do I feel the need to fulfill these arbitrary timelines???

Family wants me to live near them. BF doesn't want that. I want to move to a different city or abroad to teach. Bf doesn't want that until after we start a family. I still dream of moving for new opportunities (I should've done this in my 20s). Family complains about certain things he's said (and he doesn't say much openly out of respect). He's tolerated a lot of how they treat me (sometimes not so great). I'm in the middle and it is driving me nuts.

All of this is nothing new and has tainted our relationship since fall 2019 when we fought about me moving out of my family's place. It's ruined the momentum in the last 10 months.

I don't want to call it off bc I don't want to move back in with my family, and I really believe we will pull through if we talk more, compromise, listen, etc.

I am learning to communicate better with him and have more face time without phones. I would rather work through this and see it through rather than break up and wonder 5 years from now... childless and single, wishing I could've done it differently.

During this time of the year, I always mourn my best friend who was murdered by her bf 3 years ago. It also affects my mental health. It has been really tough to focus on things.

I am seeing a therapist but looking for a new one.

Basically, I'm the only other person who knows how I feel.

Regret. Anxiety. Loneliness. Depression..................

Please live for you and not your family. I have(and still am) doing what I "should" for my family. IF I could go back to your age and know what I know now I would have run and gone far away the very first chance I had. Sometimes distance is the best thing we can give ourselves. Good luck to you and whatever you decide

Teaching is not a waste. I am praying for your direction in life.