Unknown Sadness

I've been wanting to write something but wasn't real sure were to put it. Every quiz I take says I got something, but I guess depression is the most familiar to me. Maybe even comforting , sometimes, in some demented way. For along time I thought I knew why I was depressed. I spent decades playing a role, not being myself. Always alone, like operating my life from inside myself, never reacting or speaking naturally, always planned, calculated, making sure I said what was expected, never just a natural expression from myself. The few times I risked reaching out for help, I got my hand slapped. My life felt like I was strapped into the back seat of a car that had no driver and was Rolling backwards down a San Francisco hill. And i knew that when the car finnally stopped, somehow i would get blamed for the damage. But ive come to grips with all that, i feel like im ok with things, but somehow i still experiance debilitating sadness, just don't understand. I did the depression quiz and was in the high end of things. I was surprised. Oh, did I mention I have basically no support, no relationships that I feel free to discus this with anyone? Yeah, that too. I'm not really looking for answers just wanted to write this out. I think it helps me deal with my insanity.

I understand you, loud & clear. Good luck with everything. And welcome to PC, Gazzelle!

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I struggle with a similar problem, except that I've never known why exactly I get depressed. I completely understand how you feel though; it's hard to find support, especially from friends and family. You can't really understand it unless you've experienced it yourself or you happen to be very understanding. Sending love and prayers.

Welcome to pc Gazzelle

I take it "hand slapped" is a very big understatement.

Sounds like you have never had anyone to trust. Im really sorry!!

Thanks for the message. I guess knowing where the depression originates does give me something to work on. It took along time to get to that point though! It must be hard getting depressed and not knowing the source.so I'll send some good thoughts back and I'm hoping you can manage it. I'm not good with expressing emotional thoughts so thats as good as it gets!

Yeah, trust isnt easy for me. Some of the crazy stuff people have said when i tryed to open up to them you wouldnt beleive! Everyone has problems, though, so im ok with it, just tough keeping everything inside.

It seems to be a common issue here on this forum. I suffer from it as well. A lot of us have issues that most people just don't know how to handle. It seems so normal to us because we grew up the way we are. It's hard for others to just sit and listen. I remember one time my wife even asked me to describe my abuse and I thought I was giving her pretty generic examples and about a minute in she said, "ok stop!"

The hard part is when people get upset with us. As if we are bad for having problems. They push us away and the cycle continues.

Come here and pour out your heart!! We can take it! We've heard the worst and we are not afraid to listen and try to help.

Take care!

I really appreciate your comments. Your right, it's different when you live through things. I don't honestly remember a lot stuff I think is there , never mind talk to someone about it. I don't know, I'm not making any sense, your comment struck a nerve. I still have a hard time talking or writing about this stuff, I feel like I'm weak in some way and burdening others when everyone has stuff to deal with. It scares me, what maybe I don't know about myself. What I do know is bad enough! Anyway I'm rambling senseless while I'm trying to eloquently explain myself!