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RavenGirl1990
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Trig Nov 18, 2020 at 03:23 PM
  #1
Hi,

I have been in therapy on and off. I currently have an appointment tomorrow. Anyway in 2017, I had a lot of suicide ideation going on and currently on and off. I ended up in placement and then the state hospital. I didn’t find any of it helpful. I also have a history of being inconsistent with meds when I am on them. I am not on any right now.

TriggerIn 2018, my mom threatened to call the cops on me after finding some suicide notes in one of my note books. So I went to the hospital reluctantly and manipulated the staff and got released. I basically said I get suicide ideation on and off and that I also had a safety plan. Though I never followed it. My mom was upset and said “you think this is funny.” Cause I had a smile on myself.

I can’t count how many times I had to go to the hospital. Trigger Since I had placement that one time I have always downplayed or manipulated staff about my suicide ideation.

People have a tendency to overreact if I bring it up. That is why I don’t talk about it. And I felt that placement was more of a punishment. Logically I know others see it as just a safety thing, but I don’t see or feel it to be that way.
Like when you were a kid and done something bad. That is what it feels like to me and it makes me bitter. Anyone feel this way of placement?

Why would I do this? Does anyone else do this? Trigger And any safety plan I have had I never followed, I never reached out to anyone. And now if I have suicide ideation I still don’t reach out.
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Trig Nov 18, 2020 at 04:01 PM
  #2
I've told a number of mental health professionals, over the years, that if I were rational enough to call someone I wasn't really in danger. But if I were really in danger (which I have been more than once) the last thing I would be likely to do was to call someone.
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Default Nov 20, 2020 at 02:22 PM
  #3
When I have been the most suicidal, I rarely reach out for help, though, mid-attempt, I thought “oh, crap. This was a bad idea” and got myself to the ER for medical treatment. One time I flat out lied to my pdoc about ideation when I had significant intent.

Possible trigger:

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Default Nov 20, 2020 at 02:44 PM
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Down Play

most respectful regards

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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 01:36 AM
  #5
I have been inpatient more times than I can count! I found a t that helped me see I have the power to avoid the hospital. He helped by telling me to stand up and go outside for a walk. Or in therapy language, opposite action.

From my perspective, the only way to escape suicidal ideation is to get to the other side. To work through the pain, discomfort, anger, or what ever started the suicidal ideation. In my experience, I found I have unresolved grief from a move when I was 7. Our experiences have led us to this point of wanting death, and we have the power to escape the trauma of the past, ending the cycle of mental health concerns.

Again this is my view after 15 years of finding my way through. I am not "out" of it, I am working to resolve, which doesn't happen overnight!!
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 02:35 AM
  #6
[“B]Trigger[/B]In 2018, my mom threatened to call the cops on me after finding some suicide notes in one of my note books. So I went to the hospital reluctantly and manipulated the staff and got released. I basically said I get suicide ideation on and off and that I also had a safety plan. Though I never followed it. My mom was upset and said “you think this is funny.” Cause I had a smile on myself. “

No one really wants to be there. I write all my thoughts down, it helps me. Even if it’s my darkest secrets. I don’t think you should feel bad for writing your feelings. I go through every thought about how I could change things. The things I can’t change and have no control over are the ones/people that make me think that way. I hope it gets easier for you.
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