[umbley]

This is my first time posting here, though I’ve visited many times to read through the various threads.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past three years, twice a week. I started seeing him after I quit my job and could not manage to find meaning in anything. I lost my insurance recently when my husband was laid off, though, and we’ve reduced to once a week, pro bono, for which I’m grateful. I like my therapist and feel comfortable telling him most things (except for what I’m about to tell you).

My therapist doesn’t believe in giving out diagnoses, but he is fairly convinced that terrible things happened to me in my childhood and the way he talks to me leads me to believe that I might be considered to have DID (he talks about parts, about compartmentalization, separation of emotional and non-emotional being, and so forth). Sometimes it seems like he has some wild theories about what might have happened to me. I don’t know what I have said or done to suggest to him there might be any truth to these, and am alternately intrigued and alarmed by them.

I currently have a job with a lot of responsibility and manage it fine. I also have nightmares fairly consistently, have had some periods of confusion, depression/suicidality, extreme busy-ness, extra-marital promiscuity and high risk behavior, childishness, secretiveness, feelings of being unreal, and so forth.

Sometimes I am convinced that there are distinct parts to me. Sometimes the whole idea sounds preposterous. Sometimes I truly believe that bad things happened and know there is a darkness inside of me. Sometimes I just can’t fathom that idea at all. I’m not sure if I’m losing time.

I feel like I have been drifting for years. I try to push forward on my professional life and the next thing I know, I’ve changed direction. I take on part-time jobs that strike me as amusing and suck me in, only to recall a few months later that I had actually planned to buckle down and get serious about another interest of mine. I set goals for myself that seem to dissolve the moment I touch them. It drives me crazy, because I know I’m capable of more and not living up to my potential. I’m all over the place and no place at all.

Anyways, I feel like I’m stuck because I can’t remember any trauma. I’m trying. I’m open to the idea. I just don’t remember anything of that nature. Except sometimes, there are maybe glimmers. I’m worried that I’m wasting my therapist’s time – especially now that I’m not paying for my sessions. He says I just have to be patient and let it come, but that’s the problem: it hasn’t come to me. I don’t know how to find those memories. And I do know that something is wrong; happy well-adjusted people don’t act like this. My siblings aren’t happy well-adjusted people either.

Is there something I can do on my own to dig any potential memories out? My siblings can’t help; I’ve tried that route. Can I self-hypnotize? Can I trigger myself somehow? Is there a book or approach that might be useful? I can’t expect my therapist to provide free services forever, so I’m just trying to help the process along and trying to learn what I can about it on my own time. Thanks, in advance, for your suggestions.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by umbley

This is my first time posting here, though I’ve visited many times to read through the various threads.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past three years, twice a week. I started seeing him after I quit my job and could not manage to find meaning in anything. I lost my insurance recently when my husband was laid off, though, and we’ve reduced to once a week, pro bono, for which I’m grateful. I like my therapist and feel comfortable telling him most things (except for what I’m about to tell you).

My therapist doesn’t believe in giving out diagnoses, but he is fairly convinced that terrible things happened to me in my childhood and the way he talks to me leads me to believe that I might be considered to have DID (he talks about parts, about compartmentalization, separation of emotional and non-emotional being, and so forth). Sometimes it seems like he has some wild theories about what might have happened to me. I don’t know what I have said or done to suggest to him there might be any truth to these, and am alternately intrigued and alarmed by them.

I currently have a job with a lot of responsibility and manage it fine. I also have nightmares fairly consistently, have had some periods of confusion, depression/suicidality, extreme busy-ness, extra-marital promiscuity and high risk behavior, childishness, secretiveness, feelings of being unreal, and so forth.

Sometimes I am convinced that there are distinct parts to me. Sometimes the whole idea sounds preposterous. Sometimes I truly believe that bad things happened and know there is a darkness inside of me. Sometimes I just can’t fathom that idea at all. I’m not sure if I’m losing time.

I feel like I have been drifting for years. I try to push forward on my professional life and the next thing I know, I’ve changed direction. I take on part-time jobs that strike me as amusing and suck me in, only to recall a few months later that I had actually planned to buckle down and get serious about another interest of mine. I set goals for myself that seem to dissolve the moment I touch them. It drives me crazy, because I know I’m capable of more and not living up to my potential. I’m all over the place and no place at all.

Anyways, I feel like I’m stuck because I can’t remember any trauma. I’m trying. I’m open to the idea. I just don’t remember anything of that nature. Except sometimes, there are maybe glimmers. I’m worried that I’m wasting my therapist’s time – especially now that I’m not paying for my sessions. He says I just have to be patient and let it come, but that’s the problem: it hasn’t come to me. I don’t know how to find those memories. And I do know that something is wrong; happy well-adjusted people don’t act like this. My siblings aren’t happy well-adjusted people either.

Is there something I can do on my own to dig any potential memories out? My siblings can’t help; I’ve tried that route. Can I self-hypnotize? Can I trigger myself somehow? Is there a book or approach that might be useful? I can’t expect my therapist to provide free services forever, so I’m just trying to help the process along and trying to learn what I can about it on my own time. Thanks, in advance, for your suggestions.

first my suggestion is take a deep breath.
second understand that just because a treatment provider uses wording like parts, compartmentalizing, separation of emotional and non emotional and so on does ..........not.......... necessarily mean you have DID.

something you may not be aware of.... in may 2013 america (USA) changed over to a whole new system of mental health care including definitions, diagnosis's, diagnostic criterias right on down to how to talk about and use various therapy approaches.

my point its normal now to talk with people about how they have their own coping ways and that some of those ways regardless of mental disorder is a person naturally and normally able to separate their emotions from their physical reactions and feelings. using the normal coping skill of organizing their thoughts and behaviors and emotions (other wise called compartmentalizing their thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions...events in their lives)....

my suggestion is actually ask your treatment providers what they mean when they use wording and phrasing that you may not understand.

you stated your therapist seems to have wild theories about what happened to you... if you mean he is telling you that things have happened to you that did not, thats called therapist causing someone to have false problems and false memories, its actually a disorder where a therapist can get arrested and prosecuted for.

my point is if this was me and a treatment provider was making wild theories where I did not disclose anything about to, I would be walking out the door and then reporting them to my states mental health board that over sees and investigates this kind of thing. Here in the USA we have very strict rules on what treatment providers can and cant do during therapy.

on the other end of this if you did disclose what ever the treatment provider is trying to talk about its ok to tell them you are not ready to discuss that yet and you would like to go slower.

your confusion on whether you have distinct parts related to dissociative disorders .... well theres an easy way to solve this one.. you can help you get set up with psychiatrists and medical doctors and so on to do all the different tests.

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by umbley

This is my first time posting here, though I’ve visited many times to read through the various threads.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past three years, twice a week. I started seeing him after I quit my job and could not manage to find meaning in anything. I lost my insurance recently when my husband was laid off, though, and we’ve reduced to once a week, pro bono, for which I’m grateful. I like my therapist and feel comfortable telling him most things (except for what I’m about to tell you).

My therapist doesn’t believe in giving out diagnoses, but he is fairly convinced that terrible things happened to me in my childhood and the way he talks to me leads me to believe that I might be considered to have DID (he talks about parts, about compartmentalization, separation of emotional and non-emotional being, and so forth). Sometimes it seems like he has some wild theories about what might have happened to me. I don’t know what I have said or done to suggest to him there might be any truth to these, and am alternately intrigued and alarmed by them.

I currently have a job with a lot of responsibility and manage it fine. I also have nightmares fairly consistently, have had some periods of confusion, depression/suicidality, extreme busy-ness, extra-marital promiscuity and high risk behavior, childishness, secretiveness, feelings of being unreal, and so forth.

Sometimes I am convinced that there are distinct parts to me. Sometimes the whole idea sounds preposterous. Sometimes I truly believe that bad things happened and know there is a darkness inside of me. Sometimes I just can’t fathom that idea at all. I’m not sure if I’m losing time.

I feel like I have been drifting for years. I try to push forward on my professional life and the next thing I know, I’ve changed direction. I take on part-time jobs that strike me as amusing and suck me in, only to recall a few months later that I had actually planned to buckle down and get serious about another interest of mine. I set goals for myself that seem to dissolve the moment I touch them. It drives me crazy, because I know I’m capable of more and not living up to my potential. I’m all over the place and no place at all.

Anyways, I feel like I’m stuck because I can’t remember any trauma. I’m trying. I’m open to the idea. I just don’t remember anything of that nature. Except sometimes, there are maybe glimmers. I’m worried that I’m wasting my therapist’s time – especially now that I’m not paying for my sessions. He says I just have to be patient and let it come, but that’s the problem: it hasn’t come to me. I don’t know how to find those memories. And I do know that something is wrong; happy well-adjusted people don’t act like this. My siblings aren’t happy well-adjusted people either.

Is there something I can do on my own to dig any potential memories out? My siblings can’t help; I’ve tried that route. Can I self-hypnotize? Can I trigger myself somehow? Is there a book or approach that might be useful? I can’t expect my therapist to provide free services forever, so I’m just trying to help the process along and trying to learn what I can about it on my own time. Thanks, in advance, for your suggestions.

As my T always tells me....let it come in it's own time. Don't force it. If there's something that needs to come out, it will. when you are ready. You shouldn't try to self hypnotize.
I'm sure T wouldn't see you pro bono if he/she didn't want to. Ask T what his theories are. and trust the process.

Sorry to say that your life experience kinda sounds like mine....drifting, bouncing off the walls directionless with a goal in mind (mine?) and going off on tangents.

As far as initial trauma as a baby- that’s something that I feel like I will never know being too young to remember even if I could. It just has to be a traumatic event to a child’s mind to initiate the prevention of integration...repetitive? Idk. I was raised with very abusive parents and that there pretty much cinches it for me.

But then again....was I born this way???

Self-hypnosis I did try...I’d always fall asleep, lol.

Or the Others would just go blah blah blah.

I’d just not stress over it and let it flow instead of pushing it. I’ve heard that your mind might give it up when it’s ready to.

[umbley]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

first my suggestion is take a deep breath.
second understand that just because a treatment provider uses wording like parts, compartmentalizing, separation of emotional and non emotional and so on does ..........not.......... necessarily mean you have DID.

- Thanks for this. I've been reading up on family systems/parts therapy and it sounds like these are useful approaches in a variety of contexts.

you stated your therapist seems to have wild theories about what happened to you... if you mean he is telling you that things have happened to you that did not, thats called therapist causing someone to have false problems and false memories, its actually a disorder where a therapist can get arrested and prosecuted for.

- He's not putting words in my mouth, really, but asks questions, makes comments to try to open it up for me. We sort through my nightmares and feelings and find patterns in them. I always thought dreams were just dreams, and that feelings were fleeting and unrelated to what's real. He suggests that my dreams are re-playing a version of personal history, and that version is incredibly dark and brutal. It's weird, to think these images might have any basis in reality. I thought everyone had dreams like this, but they're quite disturbing, in the light.

your confusion on whether you have distinct parts related to dissociative disorders .... well theres an easy way to solve this one.. you can help you get set up with psychiatrists and medical doctors and so on to do all the different tests.

- Ha. Yes. It sounds so easy. I haven't been able to make myself go to a medical doctor in many years. I went maybe a few times as a child, then just for emergency room visits a couple times after that. I don't think I could ever see another therapist. I can't tolerate the feeling of being exposed, inspected, and laid bare. It's sort of miraculous that I found this therapist and was desperate enough to take a chance on those initial sessions.

[umbley]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

As my T always tells me....let it come in it's own time. Don't force it. If there's something that needs to come out, it will. when you are ready. You shouldn't try to self hypnotize.
I'm sure T wouldn't see you pro bono if he/she didn't want to. Ask T what his theories are. and trust the process.

Thanks. Patience is hard.I hope that's true.

[umbley]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Sorry to say that your life experience kinda sounds like mine....drifting, bouncing off the walls directionless with a goal in mind (mine?) and going off on tangents.

As far as initial trauma as a baby- that’s something that I feel like I will never know being too young to remember even if I could. It just has to be a traumatic event to a child’s mind to initiate the prevention of integration...repetitive? Idk. I was raised with very abusive parents and that there pretty much cinches it for me.

But then again....was I born this way???

Self-hypnosis I did try...I’d always fall asleep, lol.

Or the Others would just go blah blah blah.

I’d just not stress over it and let it flow instead of pushing it. I’ve heard that your mind might give it up when it’s ready to.

Thanks. That's food for thought. I wish I could understand more. My parents divorced when I was five. I've only heard different versions of the past, and it's never the same. My dad is dead. I didn't like being around him when he was alive, but I can't think of a specific reason for this. My mom is in her own world and paints her own pictures of things and can't see anything else.

Two of my siblings have received (and rejected) diagnoses of schizophrenia, and I struggle to follow their threads of thought sometimes. My two other siblings just shut down on talking about the past. They either don't remember anything or want to move on. It feels like I'm talking to robots. The past is a slippery thing. I guess the present is as well.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by umbley

- Ha. Yes. It sounds so easy. I haven't been able to make myself go to a medical doctor in many years. I don't think I could ever see another therapist.

You don't need to see a doctor to move forward, you could ask your therapist to administer the SCID-D, which is a structured interview for dissociative disorders, as a starting place. That might help clarify things. However, I don't think that talking about parts and compartmentalization necessarily means he is thinking you may have DID. Internal Family Systems is a school of therapy that talks about this kind of thing a lot, and that's meant for the general population.

I think it's reasonable to put possible trauma aside for a while, and simply focus on communication with your parts. This is helpful whether you are a singleton doing therapy along the lines of Internal Family Systems, or if you are indeed someone multiple (with DID). I had a very fortunate childhood, but still had younger "parts" (in a singleton sort of way) whose feelings I dealt with accepting in therapy. If it does turn out that you have DID, you would be building relationships and one of your parts might eventually share with you what happened in your early childhood. If there are protector parts inside, they may not like that your T is trying to help you remember trauma -- they may feel like the whole reason they're there is to protect you from that, so the T becomes, in a way, kind of their enemy. So -- focusing instead on building relationships seems like a safe and helpful way to go (just my thoughts -- worth what you paid for them! ). Revealing trauma need not be the goal and I don't think you should feel like you're wasting your T's time if you're not discovering it.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

You don't need to see a doctor to move forward, you could ask your therapist to administer the SCID-D, which is a structured interview for dissociative disorders, as a starting place. That might help clarify things. However, I don't think that talking about parts and compartmentalization necessarily means he is thinking you may have DID. Internal Family Systems is a school of therapy that talks about this kind of thing a lot, and that's meant for the general population.

I think it's reasonable to put possible trauma aside for a while, and simply focus on communication with your parts. This is helpful whether you are a singleton doing therapy along the lines of Internal Family Systems, or if you are indeed someone multiple (with DID). I had a very fortunate childhood, but still had younger "parts" (in a singleton sort of way) whose feelings I dealt with accepting in therapy. If it does turn out that you have DID, you would be building relationships and one of your parts might eventually share with you what happened in your early childhood. If there are protector parts inside, they may not like that your T is trying to help you remember trauma -- they may feel like the whole reason they're there is to protect you from that, so the T becomes, in a way, kind of their enemy. So -- focusing instead on building relationships seems like a safe and helpful way to go (just my thoughts -- worth what you paid for them! ). Revealing trauma need not be the goal and I don't think you should feel like you're wasting your T's time if you're not discovering it.

[umbley]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I think it's reasonable to put possible trauma aside for a while, and simply focus on communication with your parts....Revealing trauma need not be the goal and I don't think you should feel like you're wasting your T's time if you're not discovering it.

This is good advice. Thank you. I can see that I've been too focused on that part, perhaps because it seems like the most tangible place to look. Appreciate your thoughts.