hey AC2,

nice to see you post.. hope you're okay after yesterday (the whole alter reliving the night before thing)

crossed my mind to check on you a few times

so far I have spent today trying to find some french music to burn to a cd for a friend

I found some.. 16 tracks, I can't stand it personally- but I do hope she likes it, I went out my way to find some for her

feeling quite low mood wise at the moment

going to cook later

roast dinner day...

yesterday I heard someone talk behind my back,

fuming.. she was just saying how she hates our name

wow?

good for you

It’s Fourth of July week...I’m hoping that we take this weekend off. It seems like everytime someone asks us if we are going to work, we say yes.

that's scary.

not that it's 4th of july this week, but how quick it's come

2018 feels like 1 big blur

[Betty_Banana]

I don't know if this post belongs here or not but since it's about dissociation hopefully it does.

There was a bunch of chaos and drama happening at my house last night that I had to deal with.It made me feel so upset and anxious I thought I might faint.I got through it but then I couldn't get to sleep last night because it kept replaying over and over in my mind.Having to face and deal with life without being DID is a challenge sometimes.When it's major stuff like last night I hate how it makes me feel and how I react.Maybe it will get easier as time goes by but maybe it won't either.Life has been really stressful lately and the automatic dissociation isn't there anymore.A couple of weeks ago I started trying to make myself dissociate and the closest I could get to it was that in between when you're trying to go to sleep and you start drifting off and you're half asleep half awake.When I would start falling asleep I would force myself awake.It was nothing like dissociation though.It makes me realize how much I relied on and how automatic dissociating was for me before integration.When things got rough it was automatic.Now when things get rough I have to rely on all the tools I learned in therapy to get through situations.I wonder if eventually it will become automatic and get easier.My therapist said it all just takes time and practice and I hope he's right.

Originally Posted by raging vortex

that's scary.

not that it's 4th of july this week, but how quick it's come

2018 feels like 1 big blur

Yes, I was just thinking that the other day. It’s like time just shoots forward and the past is just...well, blank.

I feel alone in a time desert.

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

I don't know if this post belongs here or not but since it's about dissociation hopefully it does.

There was a bunch of chaos and drama happening at my house last night that I had to deal with.It made me feel so upset and anxious I thought I might faint.I got through it but then I couldn't get to sleep last night because it kept replaying over and over in my mind.Having to face and deal with life without being DID is a challenge sometimes.When it's major stuff like last night I hate how it makes me feel and how I react.Maybe it will get easier as time goes by but maybe it won't either.Life has been really stressful lately and the automatic dissociation isn't there anymore.A couple of weeks ago I started trying to make myself dissociate and the closest I could get to it was that in between when you're trying to go to sleep and you start drifting off and you're half asleep half awake.When I would start falling asleep I would force myself awake.It was nothing like dissociation though.It makes me realize how much I relied on and how automatic dissociating was for me before integration.When things got rough it was automatic.Now when things get rough I have to rely on all the tools I learned in therapy to get through situations.I wonder if eventually it will become automatic and get easier.My therapist said it all just takes time and practice and I hope he's right.

I think that if I quit dissociating....I would miss it. There are parts of life that we can’t deal with- parts, situations, events, scenarios....anything that causes the flight, fight or freeze actions to initiate or emotional upheaval, even personal interaction with other people can cause confusion and entrapment.

To learn to deal with such situations without dissociating... that would be so uncomfortably weird.

Maybe give it time so that confidence in being in control will make it feel right and “normal”.

90* and climbing outside. I was going to wash the car, but I am going to wait till later today. I got to drive our car...it was so much fun. The guys took off our vanity plate holder with a drill and is going to touch that and the front spoiler up too with paint.

I want to wear shorts outside but I burned our skin and legs with the IPL machine trying to get rid of the spider web veins and hair leaving square blocks of hyper-pigmentation. We need some sun to tan in around those spots so that they blend. Maybe this evening.

[MoxieDoxie]

A triggered flashback dissociated damn MESS!

After an incident with my H this morning that left me in a dissociative fog with anxiety I get to school all the long doing breathing exercises to calm down only a couple hours later the instructor makes an announcement that the reason one of the other students has been missing class a lot is because his younger sister committed suicide and he had to go to the west coast with his family to take her off of life support. Everyone is around him hugging him crying while I just floated off into a flashback and in a frozen state looking like an insensitive cold fish to his issues. I could not even get up off my seat.

I just do not think that is something that should have been discussed with out considering what might be going on with other people who do not feel parading their mental issues or family issues for all to see.

today I got an early birthday present.

it's really cute actually- it's a soft bunny rabbit keychain with a golden heart attached.

I love it. I really love it

Oh my, we stayed up to midnight last night drinking and it seemed like a good idea at the time...

Then Cleo wanted outside 3 times....

Our work alarm sounded at 6 a.m....

so today our mother decided to email us again trying to convince us to emigrate with her to africa.

I wish she'd just stop... the only reason she wants me to go over their is so that she can continue her abuse towards me

the email she sent me this morning was very nasty- blaming me for being alive, and all that crap

I just ignored it

best thing to do I think

but not a great start to the day

in pain this afternoon

a lot of pain

I feel I may have lost some time too because it seems a little late and I've no idea what happened to some of the day

but then I'm not sure what bit I lost

Off work today for 4th of July. Not interested in fireworks, but need to fix and spot paint apartment to get back deposit.

Thinking waffles this morning.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Off work today for 4th of July. Not interested in fireworks, but need to fix and spot paint apartment to get back deposit.

Thinking waffles this morning.

what do waffles taste like?

in england we only have potato waffles, which are eaten for dinner.

but I guess you mean something else

have been in lots of pain for the majority of the day

not sure about most of what happened this afternoon

didn't enjoy dinner that much (mainly because their wasn't what I wanted, and had to eat the wrong thing)

mood okay though for the time I do remember

Originally Posted by raging vortex

what do waffles taste like?

in england we only have potato waffles, which are eaten for dinner.

but I guess you mean something else

Made like pancakes out of a flour batter but in a waffle iron for the little square shapes that holds butter and syrup.

It’s also was bacon, sunny side eggs, grits, jelly toast: breakfast + lunch = brunch.

Everything for everybody instead of eating two different kinds of burgers at once.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Made like pancakes out of a flour batter but in a waffle iron for the little square shapes that holds butter and syrup.

It’s also was bacon, sunny side eggs, grits, jelly toast: breakfast + lunch = brunch.

Everything for everybody instead of eating two different kinds of burgers at once.

waaaa?

jelly toast?

quiet morning

then this afternoon I am going to get myself a drive through mcdonalds. I guess partly to make up for the shockingly bad food yesterday (I mean it wasn't that bad, I guess), but still. it would have been nice to have the food I wanted in the house

and partly to treat myself. having a hard time with family stuff... so some time in the war museum and some mcdonalds will be my treat