[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I am really struggling today. I had to leave work because it was the best thing to do. I was triggered and switching and couldn't ground myself. When I got home I was on a very distressed roundabout of switching that involved SH. Since then I am calmer but very dissociated.
I am lost inside all this hurting. I can't find sleep or relief. I just want it to end. I'm done.

I'm here and hearing you.

I'm so sorry you are so distressed.

Are you ok?

[Amyjay]

I am not really okay but I suppose I am okay. that is an adult talking through this. This is trauma right? This right here is the trauma. i read somewhere recently that trauma is not the actual events or incidents, the real trauma occurs when the distressed child is uncomforted unsupported and has no way of calming the nervous system down, no way of self-regulating (too young, self skills not learned through previous experience), no way of finding or experiencing safety. The trauma occurs when the child is stuck there with no hope of resolution or rescue and no way out.
So this right here right now is trauma. This is the experience of the hopelessness, the intolerable-ness, the inescapable-ness, the aloneness and isolation of never-ending pain.
Here it feels like this is all that has ever been known and all that will ever be, because this is what always is.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I am not really okay but I suppose I am okay. that is an adult talking through this. This is trauma right? This right here is the trauma. i read somewhere recently that trauma is not the actual events or incidents, the real trauma occurs when the distressed child is uncomforted unsupported and has no way of calming the nervous system down, no way of self-regulating (too young, self skills not learned through previous experience), no way of finding or experiencing safety. The trauma occurs when the child is stuck there with no hope of resolution or rescue and no way out.
So this right here right now is trauma. This is the experience of the hopelessness, the intolerable-ness, the inescapable-ness, the aloneness and isolation of never-ending pain.
Here it feels like this is all that has ever been known and all that will ever be, because this is what always is.

What would help that little one feel safe and ok in a good way?

I have a blankie and a favorite chair that I curl up in with it.

I feel safe there and I go to sleep.

Is there somewhere like that for you?

[TrailRunner14]

I read what you said about where you are right now. I wanted to let you know that I heard you and I respect how you feel.

My intention was to try and help to calm the little one that is distressed. The trauma you spoke of.

(((friend)))

[Amyjay]

I am feeling much more grounded today and very disconnected from the trauma of yesterday. I am trying to remember it though because it revealed some really important stuff. But thank you for hearing and responding to us yesterday Trailrunner. It was comforting to be heard.

[dlantern]

Doing well as expected really wish some folks would relax stop front jumbling and hounding as if they don't know what running is we are represent in some areas to where it seems a lot of folks at least got said hey too....It was one of those aggravating moments of on the journey healing from dissociative identity disorder ptsd the infinite mind knowledge

[Solnutty]

Here's something funny that happened.
I've been unable to do my homework for days. I just haven't been able to focus at all.
Today I opened my assignment and heard in my head, “I’m angry!”
And I thought, “Why are you angry?”
“Because I have to do this ****!”
And I thought, “You don’t have to do this ****. I have to do it. You can go hang out inside and do whatever you like.”
And then I had one of those relaxing shudders that I get sometimes and now I can do my homework.
I have no idea who that was, but hey, whatever.

[Kiya]

The psych ER I often end up at met a new-to-them alter; my boy tommy. He gets treated very differently than my girl of the same age (10). I'm a girl and yet tommy gets treated different (better) even tho he's in a girl's body. Huh.
He even SH'ed me in the lobby and nothing even happened. Weird. That wouldn't have been the case for the rest of us.

[TrailRunner14]

So many things are on my plate right now. External and internal issues are colliding. It’s very unsettling.

we had a really lucky escape today

we were really anxious because we had to talk to someone on the phone this afternoon who we didn't know, and we were fritened to talk to him

fast forward a few hours to this afternoon... and he never called

score.

okay, so it was quite an important call, and we sort of needed him to call us anyway, but we were glad we didn't have to take it too

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Kiya

The psych ER I often end up at met a new-to-them alter; my boy tommy. He gets treated very differently than my girl of the same age (10). I'm a girl and yet tommy gets treated different (better) even tho he's in a girl's body. Huh.
He even SH'ed me in the lobby and nothing even happened. Weird. That wouldn't have been the case for the rest of us.

((((((((( all of Kiya )))))))))

(Psych ER and other psych stuffs )

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((((( all of Kiya )))))))))

(Psych ER and other psych stuffs )

Thank you fuzzy idiot dr tried to send me home after 2 hours of being there. I couldn't make it clear we weren't safe. Even injuring in their own lobby didn't mean anything to them. What world is this...

[TrailRunner14]

We are headed to my mom’s for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Such mixed emotions. Last year was not a good experience. I’m encouraging myself to set some respectful boundaries and stand my ground.

It’s scary.

I called her to double check the menu with her. She tells me that she has made a gluten free cake for me.

Great!!

First issue and it’s not even tomorrow.

I don’t eat cake. I don’t like it. She has always tried to make me eat deserts and I do not like them.

She makes a gluten free cake FOR ME and now I feel like I have to eat it.

Do I eat a piece out of respect and appreciation for her kindness in thinking of me.

Or

Do I see it as manipulation, stand my ground and tell her, “Thank you, but I don’t like cake!”

I feel like she trying to make me do something I don’t want to do.

*** Trigger ***
She likes to tell people that when I was a baby, I wouldn’t open my mouth when she tried to feed me. She smiles and says that she would pinch me and make me cry so I would open my mouth. She enjoys telling that story.

It feels like she is pinching me now.

[Amyjay]

That is a tricky one Trailrunner. It is okay to not eat the cake. It is okay to be grateful for the thought but decline the offer because you "have never really eaten cake or desserts". Just because it is gluten free it doesn't mean that other cake eaters can't enjoy it - it's not like it is going to go to waste. Unless it is a truly crappy gluten free cake, in which case why on earth should anyone including you be obliged to eat it!
It is TOTALLY okay to say "that was very kind and thoughtful of you and I am sure many guests will enjoy it, but I don't feel like cake right now, thank you. " Big smiles. Big cheesy you would such a **** to get angry at me right now because I am being so polite no matter how you try to spin it smiles. Big I am not swallowing one bite of your guilt trip smiles.
We don't celebrate thanksgiving in my culture and I am so sad about that because it sounds like so much love and fun.

[Amyjay]

I think I trust my T.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I think I trust my T.

That makes my heart smile. I hope that it’s a good ground to go forward.

Thank you for hearing my cake dilemma.

I won’t go into all of the ins and outs of it.

I left her house with cake in a take out box.

We got home and my husband ate it.

She called me yesterday and told me that she was happy with our time together.

I came home and drank heavily. Just saying.

We brought a ham that my husband smoked and it didn’t turn out well. It was overdone.

We apologized then and I apologized when she called.

She told me that everyone makes mistakes and we are all human and make mistakes. She said that if you don’t make mistakes you aren’t human.

Hum.

It almost felt like she was giving a reason for her dysfunction.

I didn’t know what to say or how to respond.

I changed the subject.

As usual when I don’t know how to reply.

I want to think it was an apology for many things, but that’s just probably me wanting rainbows and butterflies. Who knows.

I do know that God is good. He has a plan and purpose for this monkey circus that I’ve lived through.

Again.

I’m happy that you have found trust in your therapist.

It makes all the difference when you find someone to trust that you can share your feelings and hard places with.

I’m happy for you!!

struggled a lot witgh flashbacks yesterday afternoon.

also still having a lot of problems with the number 11 (I posted about this in the other mental health forum, it's still a real issue!)

can't get more than 10, 20 minits sleep at a time

doctor's actually told me he's got no idea what to do anymore re our sleep.

he's tried us on litirally everything (and that's how you know it's bad!)

Possible trigger:

don't really want to be here

it's almost december and we don't want to accept it- we don't want to accept that 2017 is almost over and we've done **** all with our lives

why us

why

Possible trigger:

why can't we just sink with the titanic or something

oh right

because it went without us..... grrrrrr.

and now we're binging on candy.

you know, the healthy lot we are

[Amyjay]

I can't today. I don't know yet how to live a different life. Maybe the need is just to be a different person. I don't want this.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I can't today. I don't know yet how to live a different life. Maybe the need is just to be a different person. I don't want this.

Hug friend.

Thank you for your encouragement earlier.

I’m with you.