[Amyjay]

Having a bit of a day today. Started off with only 3 hours sleep, broken by nightmares. Woke up to a facebook video post from my birth family posted last, about a huge get together yesterday with my mother, my siblings, my two nephews from overseas who I have never met, all my cousins and their children, a gathering of about 30 people in all that happened only a two minute drive from my home... posted with a message from our birth mother - "so grateful to spend time with all my family". So many responses from the family members mentioned about how much they loved the day, how grateful they are for family. So many happy children playing in the video, so much laughter.

We weren't invited. We had no idea this was on. Our two kids - also her grandchildren -weren't invited. I won't tell them or let them see the video because it will crush them.

I just want to unfriend her because the hurt of this video on our birthday of all days - the day our "real" mother also rejected us and told us "this is your day to think about why your real mother didn't want you" - is too much to bear.

**** childhood abuse, **** CEN, **** families.

We’re just getting off a 2 week stretch at work and I feel very tired. Been feeling rather withdrawn for awhile now...we are more robotic then anything else, nobody wants to really front outside of the house.

The realization that we are perceived as a lying judgmental hypocrite kinda hurts the system. This isn’t on purpose... just a difference of opinion or mindset of all those involved that comes across as inconsistent, contrary, and just plain bad....and there is nothing that we can do about it.

Frustration prevails.

Just noticed that my FB name has been changed. I hope nobody notices.

deffenetly more downs than ups lately

been surviving but it really isn't good enough

one of the recurring themes for me lately is abandonment- and I'm not just talking about childhood abandonment from my parents and friends, but also in the present- I can't help wonder sometimes.. am I good enough?

or am I that bad people just want to block me out for what ever reason.

[Gr3tta_0]

I often talk quietly to (???) while doing tasks, and the other day at work i realized the conversation had become far too animated to be taking place in the workplace. I promptly shut my mouth, but i don't know what happened after that until I'm home.

I wonder why i have no friends, although I'm not sure if I'd like to have any or not. 😟

I have no and want of no friends. My mouth utters a lot of sayings that just happens...and a quick glance around to play it off because I is ever present and aware at once....
How does a person truly live this away?

No control of mind, body and thought yet aware?

I would try to say bye cruel world but there is always resistance and a stop.

I am helpless.

Sorry to OP...off subject.

I always feel like I’m watching life go by as a bystander.

Got this nasty cold, too much mucus and miserable.

The other day the guys mercy killed a hurt possum at work and the littles almost cried out. I didn’t think that we could do such a thing...but as they said, it had to be done.

in a lot of chronic pain.

I showered today but that's my limit

rest of the day's just gonna be tv and trying to feel greatful I made it through another week.

still in a lot of chronic pain.

getting dressed today was an absolute nightmare and I lost my patience with my back on several ocasions (I know, I'm so bad!)

music on now and just chilling. probably should do something and make the most of the day... but do what, exactly.

it's not like I really want to do anything

yesterday I ordered takeout from the newly opened pizza place. it was nice, I had meat feast with chicken wings

after dinner I watched WWE main event (most of it was good, though I wasn't too kean on the last part)

discovered a new group yesterday called bts (and a new type of music, K-POP) which I think is awesome.

sleep didn't happen for me yesterday and nor did rest

chronic pain not letting up at all and back's really stiff

not much to do today... watch a bit of tv I missed last week (if I can be bothered), and cook something for dinner.

ffeel okay, just the pain sucks. it really, really sucks

[dlantern]

Tooday there is a fight within about how those pushed too soon always end up struggling with superiority. I think though in the end some things are really are too soon too much. I am checking in with that a raw up close way to think about stardom and fame.

yesterday I was listening to someone on blah therapy who had bipolar and she was telling me that no one understands her and she's sick of people judging her.

I told her I don't do that kind of thing and we got to talking about celebrities with bipolar and what an inspiration they were

she then asked me what my coping methods were and I told her I like to journal, to listen to music, and to watch cartoons.

she goes... you're 25 and you like cartoons?

and diss connected

so the fact I'm too old for cartoons is more important than being understood.... okay. personally I will always watch cartoons, no matter what anyone says.

I am feeling depressed today because.... well... it is a regular, boring day

and when I say regular and boring, it doesn't even cut it

their is nothing happening today. it's almost like this day wasn't meant to be in the calendar or something

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

yesterday I was listening to someone on blah therapy who had bipolar and she was telling me that no one understands her and she's sick of people judging her.

I told her I don't do that kind of thing and we got to talking about celebrities with bipolar and what an inspiration they were

she then asked me what my coping methods were and I told her I like to journal, to listen to music, and to watch cartoons.

she goes... you're 25 and you like cartoons?

and diss connected

so the fact I'm too old for cartoons is more important than being understood.... okay. personally I will always watch cartoons, no matter what anyone says.

I am feeling depressed today because.... well... it is a regular, boring day

and when I say regular and boring, it doesn't even cut it

their is nothing happening today. it's almost like this day wasn't meant to be in the calendar or something

Hugs for you Raging vortex. I have had the same reaction about watching cartoons from other people. I found a fantastic way that stops that judgement.. I say "I like cartoons, did you know that when cartoons first were made they were not made for children and with children in mind? if you look up the history of cartoons you will find that they were actually for adult entertainment first before they were for children, and I can see why, they are great for advertizing a product in commercials, and distracting adults from their stressful day and got to admit they are quite funny how they take real life situations and poke a bit of fun at them. makes those daily chores a bit easier to handle."

this usually gets the other person to admit they too sometimes watch cartoons but didnt want to admit it because they didnt want to seem childish.

Its ok raging vortex to like cartoons and you enjoy them all you want. I do. you are not alone. lol

Dealing with parts that want off meds that think we are not bipolar. May also be that being caged as a singleton kept us down and out.

today an old friend came to visit me which was nice. she baught me some more lipstick (red lipstick). I also got a delivery from my friend sophie. she ordered me an amazon alexa, because she knows how much I like music. I've been having a lot of fun this afternoon exploring it's many features (I still have to email her and thank her for the gift)

The last few nights now I’ve heard parts discussing, conspiring and planning getting off meds. My pillbox is in disarray and the desire to take them is dwindling. I guess we are going to be med free here soon.

Originally Posted by raging vortex

yesterday I was listening to someone on blah therapy who had bipolar and she was telling me that no one understands her and she's sick of people judging her.

I told her I don't do that kind of thing and we got to talking about celebrities with bipolar and what an inspiration they were

she then asked me what my coping methods were and I told her I like to journal, to listen to music, and to watch cartoons.

she goes... you're 25 and you like cartoons?

and diss connected

so the fact I'm too old for cartoons is more important than being understood.... okay. personally I will always watch cartoons, no matter what anyone says.

I am feeling depressed today because.... well... it is a regular, boring day

and when I say regular and boring, it doesn't even cut it

their is nothing happening today. it's almost like this day wasn't meant to be in the calendar or something

Eff them. I watch cartoons and prefer them over the mayhem of modern day.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, raging vortex I love cartoons as well! It's an hobby like many others. Don't listen to what other people say! Keep watching them, a lot of people do after all, like this thread has shown. You're definitely not alone in this. Sending many hugs to everyone