Background: Had my back literally screwed back together in August..10 screws..Hugh success. So coming off pain medications. Not fun actually rather rough but Doc took me down low as possible. T is seeing me a couple times a week instead of once a month. Everything well organized..meds, supplements, list of symptoms expected daily, weekly etc. Alter who takes care of body present & accounted for. Then all hell broke lose..body pain uncovered earlier abuse memories, dissociated in T's office today, can't tell physical pain from emotional, affecting alters as well. Wondering if it's worth it. One little blue pill will stop it all. Really not into "benefit in the long run" T talked about.

[TrailRunner14]

(((warm hug))) to you Cavaliers.

I hope you are in a better place now!

we have a really bad stomach ache today.

never learn to slow down on the overeating, only ourselves to blame.

we hate it too. stomach aches feel horrid.

so why do we do it?

[Claritytoo]

It's 2am and I am wide awake. I have been having difficulty sleeping for about two months. I know that is not good. I have to try to not be on the computer at the end of the night and see if that works. I am not right and I need to talk to someone but I don't have anyone. I will try to find a therapist in my plan and someone from outside my neighborhood. I am not sure I will tell them my dx. They may figure it out as we go along and that would be fine. I want to start new in therapy.

we're feeling good.

tomorrow is our body birthday, and as you know we don't celebrate that date- we prefer diffrent dates later in the year

still, we hope the good mood lasts and we get through it- as it's usually a difficult day

[toomanycats]

I'm getting a tiny bit more comfortable with possibly thinking about considering that this might be 'real.'

I have therapy today, and I'm scared of going, because the last couple of weeks it's been like all hell broke loose in my head. But, over the weekend, I feel like everything pulled together - I feel normal (for me) today. I'm scared of what's going to happen when I go back to therapy and potentially hell breaks loose again.

next person to say happy birthday to us.....

we swear they will regret it

it's not today, well technickly it is because it's when the body was born, but for the final time, we don't!, celebrate!, in!, january!

get a grip!

[Claritytoo]

I have stopped taking two coffees a day and I seem to be able to fall asleep sooner. So that is good. I am having big changes in my mood from day to day. Some days I am ok with my life but other days I am in a deep struggle to find the right path. I want to see my grandsons. My son is not talking to me. His ex wife can't go against my son's wishes. I feel like getting in my car and driving home and seeing my grandsons regardless of what anyone wants. But I am not sure that is good for my grandsons. WHAT DO I DO?????????????? I don't have anyone to ask for help. So these thoughts roll around in my brain over and over and over again. AAAAAHHHHHHHH. I just want to see my grandsons. why is that so difficult.

[TrailRunner14]

I’m so tired of this.

The triggers that happen and I loose myself in my own devises.

People make bad choices and poor decisions. They are silent as they gather themselves up and try to come to terms with what they did.

All is well right now but I’m hanging on and holding my breathe waiting for it to happen again.

Does it end? Does it finally get too much to deal with?

I lost time last Friday and bad things happened. It was too much and I went away.

It’s taken very much for me to try and feel like myself again.

I don’t know what to do with this.

He’s being good and making good choices for now.

Do I trust it and him?

I want to but I can’t.

I’ve found an Alanon group close and I’m going next Thursday night. It’s a promise to myself.

I have to say this.

His is anger and mine is numbness.

Is there a difference besides the safety of it for me?

I think it’s a good place for me to be next Thursday.

[Solnutty]

Sometimes it’s like the tide comes in, and the water covers over everything, and I sorta feel normal. It’s a numb kind of normal, but it’s simple at least. Other times the tide goes out, and the swells churn around the rocks, and then everything under the water becomes visible, and I’m reminded that I’m very broken. At least it’s more interesting and not numb. I can’t say I prefer either one.
The tide is going out.

[avlady]

I like the tide analogy!

[Amyjay]

I feel like my tide is in but I am flooded with feeling that I can't numb. I am awash. I lie on my bed and I can't get up. I sleep amongst the nightmares.
I am coming to know a part of self who went to father-and-daughter nights at the club, a part who saw the public daddy as a king and herself as a princess. She has been hated and rejected by us. Because of her adoration for him. She was a traitor.
But for some reason now I am coming to see her just as a purposefully protected part of a little girl who was so neglected abandoned and abused that, just for those nights, those once a year events, she was able to feel loved, she was able to feel special.
For some reason that washes me out with sadness and all I can do is lie on my bed and cry.

[toomanycats]

Last night, I had an odd experience. I had been wondering about my sense of two child parts - they are very similar, and so, I've kind of gone back and forth on "is it one or two?" And... it was quite clear last night that there's 2 and that one of them is a bit older than the other.

It was really obvious for a time - I suppose that the older one (who is less often there...) made herself quite obvious. And, she brought memories with her that were 'new' to me. (I put that in quotes because my experience of recovering memories is always more like "remembering to remember" if that makes sense. It's different from like my mom telling me something I've lost -- when I recover memories/a part shares memories, it's not as stark feeling? It's more like that moment when you remember something you'd just had in mind but forgotten. I don't know.)

Well, I'd actually forgotten about this entire experience from last night until just now as I was vacuuming and thinking too much (ha)... only now I can't even remember the memories that were shared...

[Jeff1234]

UNDIAGNOSED??? If you are still undiagnosed and you know something is really wrong, you need to make sure and look into dysautonomia/postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). This basically means that your autonomic nervous system is not functioning properly. The reason why I am saying this is because I spent 4 months trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I saw 10 different doctors and they all said everything was fine. Over those 4 months I experienced a long list of symptoms. These included severe shortness of breath (sometimes triggered by eating, but it wasn’t because it blocked my throat or anything), major tremors, major brain fog, declined mental acuity, dizziness, imbalance, diarrhea, constipation, severely clogged ears, insomnia, stiffness in my neck and back. Be sure to see a doctor who knows about this because part of the reason why local doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me is because they didn’t/don’t know about dysautonomia/POTS. I had to end up going to the Mayo Clinic in another state to diagnose me. I say this because there will be others. I too was once reading forums such as this one I’m making now, desperately searching for answers.. A lot of people never go back and post what was wrong with them when they figure it out. I made a commitment to myself that I would, so that maybe I could help people who are in my past situation. God bless you all.

it was loud in the head this afternoon (mainly natalie). actually quite scary- she is the scarriest insider she is so loud.

things have calmed down now though

having a nice morning so far.

our only goal today is to shower, but doubt we're going to do that until the afternoon (we were going to do it this morning, but being lazy and sitting in front of the music channel!)

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I feel like my tide is in but I am flooded with feeling that I can't numb. I am awash. I lie on my bed and I can't get up. I sleep amongst the nightmares.
I am coming to know a part of self who went to father-and-daughter nights at the club, a part who saw the public daddy as a king and herself as a princess. She has been hated and rejected by us. Because of her adoration for him. She was a traitor.
But for some reason now I am coming to see her just as a purposefully protected part of a little girl who was so neglected abandoned and abused that, just for those nights, those once a year events, she was able to feel loved, she was able to feel special.
For some reason that washes me out with sadness and all I can do is lie on my bed and cry.

I have a part who loved an abuser, and I can relate to the hatred and sense of betrayal. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad we’ve gotten to know her better. She’s very sweet and kind, and has an uncomplicated outlook on life. It’s easy for her to enjoy life and that has been refreshing for us. She felt awful when she realized some of her actions hurt us badly in the past. She doesn’t have a single malicious thought in her (side of the) mind.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

I have a part who loved an abuser, and I can relate to the hatred and sense of betrayal. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad we’ve gotten to know her better. She’s very sweet and kind, and has an uncomplicated outlook on life. It’s easy for her to enjoy life and that has been refreshing for us. She felt awful when she realized some of her actions hurt us badly in the past. She doesn’t have a single malicious thought in her (side of the) mind.

Thank you.

I can see that this one isn't "bad". She just feels like a little girl who feels loved and special. We have been having flashbacks from her. There is nothing bad about them. But I suppose they are still flashbacks. A snippet of her with him in the wine shop, the smell of wine, the feeling of her emotional state "I am important, I matter." At the hotel for the father-daughter dinner, feeling "big", ordering a drink - anything she wants. The smell of the new carpet, the other daughters, playing in the hallway by the hotel rooms.
It was simple stuff, there was nothing sinister there. Just a little girl feeling special and important when her daddy took her to these public events.
She was just a little girl who knew nothing of the other-times.

what ever time was lost yesterday must have been spent... well, interestingly

we are now proud members of the Hedgehog Welfare society (I don't know about proud, most of us know nothing about Hedgehogs), but we are and we're going to fix it today- aqa not be a member anymore

it's so strange. none of us ever expressed an interest in Hedgehogs

on the plus side, we were all present and correct in time for the launch of the new crime channel which we wanted to see anyway

so yay