had tummy ache since sunday (eating out of date chicken)
been getting better ever so slightly, but then I can't sleep so recovery is doubly slow

yesterday I ate a full meal and didn't feel awkward after (you know what I mean), so I think it's getting better

life still at a standstill too

stories going up in the littles thread more often now for those who read it.

my back is killing me today

litirally, I spent the morning picking up falling clothes from my wardrobe, and if their's one thing bad backs can't stand is leaning down to pick things up (it's ashame that my grabber can't pick up clothes)

that aside, I'm actually glad that today shouldn't be too stressfull

the last few days i've been planning for meetings, been anxious about meetings, (yesterday I had a really intense meeting), i just need a break from the anxiety

it's not over yet (because their's more meetings to come), but for now I can hopefully start to relax (even though my version of relaxing is sitting in a chair in terrible pain)

no anxiety though. that's the main thing

I went out today to get some fish fingers for dinner.

also while I was out grabbed a copy of harry potter and the chamber of secrets (which to be fair, is now the only harry potter book I still have any interest in), I still like harry potter and the magical universe, but hmm, I guess I have a long way to go before I'm classed as a hard core fan

I also grabbed a shower today

taken it's toll though, because once again my back is killing me, I am nautious (probably from the extreme pain) and I'm out of breath

I was thinking earlier about how old I felt/ feel

I'm falling apart peace by peace

at least my physical body is

feeling depressed

had breakfast and did my usual alexa games (5/15), that's pretty bay

back killing me as usual and can't think of many reasons to be greatful today. litirally the only thing that crosses my mind is that their's a nice breeze outside. it's lovely with my window open feeling the breeze

last night was so loud outside

gave me a bit of a headache (which thankfully is all ready going)

I feel depressed today, but figure it has a lot to do with it being sunday

I have never coped well with sundays. I don't know what it is about them, they just don't work for me

yesterday was a quieter night

it was really nice and apreciated, wasn't able to sleep- but I helped someone out on blah therapy and played an online game of cards (and fully got rid
of my head ache, so I don't have any today)

today I went to the shop to buy some energy drink and some sweets and feeling calm so far

just going to finish here and catch up on some tv shows

I recorded the new series of 8 out of 10 cats and I love that show

[lucidity11]

when i was 19 i fell in love with my sole mate. but it wasn't the right time so we parted ways. It was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I loved him to this day. I just found out he has died of natural causes. It doesn't feel real. I keep thinking about the things I wanted to tell him but never did. I know I will get though this but it will hurt me for rest of my life.

Originally Posted by lucidity11

when i was 19 i fell in love with my sole mate. but it wasn't the right time so we parted ways. It was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I loved him to this day. I just found out he has died of natural causes. It doesn't feel real. I keep thinking about the things I wanted to tell him but never did. I know I will get though this but it will hurt me for rest of my life.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

we've all had that experience- someone dying too soon before you could say everything you want

that happened with my grandfather

Possible trigger:

I remember only too well... getting a call at 3 in the morning from the hospital to tell me he was dead

it was a massive shock

I seem to be on imaginary vacations again (urg)

first thought this morning was one of sadness and a lot of emotion- not to mention hurrying around trying to get ready for a flight

(you know, the flight I didn't even need to catch in the first place)

I don't know why I do this

[lucidity11]

This man I once loved with my heart, soul and mind. This man who has been a part of me without ever knowing. This man who’s love I clung to for all my life. A man who had moved past me and lived. A man who may on his finale days realized what true love was and followed making his way to another life. May he finally rest and be at peace in this other life.

even though I've not felt suicidal today, I have had a very difficult day (or morning I should say) having a meeting with a person about end of life care.

well, I've always been saying I want to tell someone what I want to happen, and today was it

and yes, it was difficult- though the guy listened and told me that he understood, the fact I was even talking to a guy (not a girl) freaked me out

the afternoon's been better, but very draining. after all those thoughts and an intense conversation, I didn't want to do much

sat down and watched life in peaces

now I'm hungry though. want my sausages

[Fuzzybear]

Hello...

yesterday after dinner I took a walk to the shopp

it was nice in the cool air, and rather quiet too

baught some lucasade

came home and watched young sheldon which was actually quite funny, for once in my life I enjoyed watching it (I don't often enjoy it, his voice annoys me) but the whole saga with the sandwich made me smile

despite it being a quiet night without flashbacks I didn't get rest. back was far too painfull to lie down.

today I am feeling horrible. it's the start of brittish summertime (well it's not, but it's what they say when the clocks go forward)

I hate the longer hours of light, I hate the warmer weather, I hate the ****ing bugs because I'm alergic, from now until november life's basically a ****ing screw up

today in the UK it's mothers day.

I don't have a mother, (or a mother that wants anything to do with me), so today's hard

made slightly easier though by the fact that comercials for it arn't everywhere like most years. just sucks that in sted of going out with my mother like most individuals, I'm staying in doing **** all.

yesterday I had a panic attack because I only had 5 peaces of chicken for dinner (all that was in the house), and I can't cope with odd numbers

I also really dislike my new body spray, the smell of it does not apeal (does not smell that womanlike)

for much of yesterday, I mainly had a sense of shame

thinking about my life and how little i've accomplished- despite coming a long way in terms of age

I can't help it, my life totally sucks- and their's no getting away from the fact that actually, a lot of my life has just been wasted.

today was okay, despite getting nothing done. I felt a bit better emotionally, still very depressed though

(and I read some of my harry potter book). it's very rare I actually get reading done- guess I don't enjoy it as much as I used to

(remembers her school days of reading book after book after book)

[childofchaos831]

I've read quite a bit of my Harry Potter book today too. I used to read all the time also but I haven't finished a book in forever. I'm actually going to finish this one. I've read them all, just going back and reading them all again.

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I've read quite a bit of my Harry Potter book today too. I used to read all the time also but I haven't finished a book in forever. I'm actually going to finish this one. I've read them all, just going back and reading them all again.

I'm not sure I'm going to reread any after chamber of secrets because it's the only one that really keeps my attention

anyway I want to read some material by robbert galbraith (JK rowling's other name)

I have a random thought:

is JK rowling a man or a woman

difficult when she uses 2 names lol

so far today it's no sleep and really bad back pain

oh and burned breakfast which I've come to realise is not the worst thing in the world.

burned toast actually tastes quite nice