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RubyRae
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 01:35 PM
  #21
No,it wasn't a stupid thought.And yes,I know you have wondered whether you have DID many times before.I'm not saying you don't have it,I'm not saying/guessing what your diagnosis should be,I am just responding to this specific thread and what you have talked about and described here.

And I just don't think you should put so much merit into this experience and let it get you so worked up like you are.I don't think you should use a drug induced state as a symptom or proof of any illness or disorder.It's just not logical or even rational to do that.

So what if anyone thinks you're insane.If they're true friends then all you gotta do is explain you didn't take your meds for 5 days and you realize that plus doing the other drugs really messed you up and they will understand.And true friends won't want you doing those drugs with them anymore because they will be more concerned with your well being rather than wanting you to get high with them.

I still think you need to talk about all of this on the 10th to ease your fears.Nobody here can diagnose you,and I guess we shouldn't try to tell you what something isn't based on what you say either.Your best bet is talking to a professional.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 03:20 PM
  #22
Something wrong i cant express myself. Because its like all compartmentalized and in conflict and i cant function good because its not working in agreement... trying to follow one path but there are many present that i get lost on going in different directions of the goals i desire sometimes opposite goals even which i think maybe what kinda was happening.. felt like a standoff stand still,., frozen...

I dont know if any you will understand what i mean..

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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 03:46 PM
  #23
I think you were just over-stimulated, to be honest. The mind can freeze when it's overloaded.

Your brain might have been needing a quiet night in, but you forced it to party instead.

If you count how many stimulating factors there are in this situation - your original condition, withdrawal from the meds you were taking for it, rec drugs, alcohol, noise, dodgy people doing unsafe things, obsessing about what people think - no wonder your poor head had to shut down.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 05:02 PM
  #24
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Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
I have never experienced it like that before...
Have you ever gone without your effexor for that long before?(5 days).

As I said,my son is on effexor and has withdrawal symptoms after the first missed dose.He went 2 days without it once and was a complete mess,was completely out of it,walking around looking like he was lost in a daze.His gf and I both made him take it because he wasn't doing well at all.

So I am assuming you were already in bad shape from not taking your effexor,plus your other medication,you were experiencing withdrawals and then did meth,smoked weed and did some kind of opiate on top of it.

That was a disaster in the making from the get go.

And now it has you thinking/worried you have DID.

Ok,so just for the hell of it,let's say you are right and it's DID.

What would that mean to you and for you?What would that change for you or in your life,both good and bad?What would your next step be?
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 07:43 AM
  #25
I have been wanting and tryin to figure out what is wrong with me for a long time...
Just to understand..
Been trying to hide my problems all my life... so being so exposed makes me feel really bad..

I cant do anything different from what i have been doing... trying to survive and deal with whatever symptoms i have.. and keep going to my doctors...

I feel like you are mad at me because i say things like this. Like if i have this or that problem.. i just want to understand what is wrong with me so i can learn to cope...

I want to learn to be a real person..
Someone solid that is not going to be changing all the time like normal people...

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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 07:49 AM
  #26
I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

I have also kept my mental health issues to myself, on the whole. But I'm starting to think that might not be the best way to go.
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 09:35 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
I have been wanting and tryin to figure out what is wrong with me for a long time...
Just to understand..
Been trying to hide my problems all my life... so being so exposed makes me feel really bad..

I cant do anything different from what i have been doing... trying to survive and deal with whatever symptoms i have.. and keep going to my doctors...

I feel like you are mad at me because i say things like this. Like if i have this or that problem.. i just want to understand what is wrong with me so i can learn to cope...

I want to learn to be a real person..
Someone solid that is not going to be changing all the time like normal people...
I am definitely not mad at you.I'm sorry if that's what my communication style makes you think and feel.I'm just a blunt,straight forward person and I don't coddle or sugar coat anything.I don't think I would even know how to if I tried.

I do get frustrated with you though.Because you get something in your mind and then run with it,run it into the ground,then take off running with the next thought that comes along.Over and over and you are not able to see how often you are creating many of your own problems.My replies in this thread were meant to help you see that,help you see that what you experienced is most likely not what you are convincing yourself it is.

And yes,you can do things different.When you start seeing your new T you can go in,share all your experiences,all the things you struggle with and allow them to actually help you.Figure out what it is together,accept what they diagnose you with and work with them on getting better.

I know it''s hard for you to not research things,to not self diagnose,to agree with what MH professionals tell you or want you to do.This time you could do it differently.You could trust them to help you get better and put your all into working on yourself.I don't feel you have whole heartedly given your all into it before and I feel if you would this time things may really turn around for you.

And tbh,sometimes to me it seems ypu feel the need to get a dx that reflects your amount of hurt,pain and struggling.Like maybe you feel certain illnesses aren't representative or equal to your suffering.That you feel it can't be just PTSD or just anxiety or just whatever because you are suffering way too much.I feel instead of searching or guessing or trying to figure it out you will do and feel much better to just allow a professional to help you regardless of the diagnosis.Healing is what matters,not the label you are given.
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Default Nov 11, 2017 at 10:31 AM
  #28
yes.. healing is what matters...

its not that i dont think its not ptsd, its just that no one seems to understand what i am going through...

i talked to the therapist yesterday briefly...

she said she had worked with some others that had d.i.d. so that made me feel a little better about maybe being able to figure it out...
she said it may not be full developed identities though whatever that means, i think she said that atleast... i was really struggling...

im just having a really hard time getting myself to come up from out of this underwater feeling...

really disconnected and detached... not sure who i am...
feel like i keep changing from different people... really confused.. embarrassed...
scared...

its scary because other it makes me feel like it might be strokes... brain disease... dememntia... something like that...because my mind is slipping...
and im just getting scared more and tired more and more...
making me just not want to live like this more... cant keep going like this...

wtf is thiss...
to be a box. with call cards in it...
but the box is not functioning or making calls to the cards to come out.. so end up with this place holder that cant do ****...
like the box is locked... broken... all the cards scrambled... numbers lost, box making the wrong calls...

i just want to be someone, a person that can handle life, need to make this stop...
dont know why it bad now.. or did it ever get better?

i dunno whats going on...

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Default Nov 11, 2017 at 12:17 PM
  #29
I'm glad you were able to talk to the therapist,even if just briefly.

I hope you have found someone that can help you and find some peace and healing so that you're not constantly struggling.
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Default Nov 11, 2017 at 02:49 PM
  #30
i just want it to be over..

and im trying so hard not to think like i want to hurt myself you know

but i just dont know how it can get better really... im scared it cant and wont because i really have been trying hard to overcome...

i just want to make it all go away

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Default Nov 11, 2017 at 03:17 PM
  #31
Your poor head can't think that far ahead right now, by the sound of it.

Don't project into the future. Break things down to the small things you can do now.

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Default Nov 11, 2017 at 08:46 PM
  #32
Yeah..
I have a lot of trouble with thinking period..,

Its like im having flashbacks alot... but sometimes they are like altered, or not even real...
Just made up dreams that i fall into in the mind...

Stories are alive in my mind... its out of control...

I am feeling a little better right now, for this moment, i got my blood pressure med and gabapentin today...
Hoping tomorrow it will help more... i just dont want to end up taking handfulls of gabapentin trying to keep it down...

Im just really confused, which is nothing new i guess...
But i just feel more confused.... because my head feels like its swirling with these personas and i cant pull one out... i wanna get rid of all of them and just be me... atleast then i would be one consistent person instead of this weird dude... emo... emotionless... gangster...crybaby... ****up... perfectionist... suicidal depressed optimist... or whatever... constantly shifting and hiding from the world

I just feel so empty and null.. scared to face any more of this because of judgements and not having support from anyone... i need understanding so bad... i need to be understood and supported...
I just want to make it all go away ��

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Default Nov 13, 2017 at 07:03 PM
  #33
**** this ****...

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Default Nov 13, 2017 at 07:10 PM
  #34
Elevated, do you need to call the Crisis Line?
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Default Nov 13, 2017 at 07:24 PM
  #35
no...
i can't talk anyway so wouldn't do any good..

i can't end it all for some reason so don't worry... the bloody pain endures..

looked all over for razor blades last night though... couldn't find any...

doesnt really matter, wouldn't of changed anything anyway...

im just losing my mind... starting to get to where sometimes i "hear" things...

only happeneds a few times... but sometimes i don't notice it...

im disgusted with myself... with this life..

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Default Nov 13, 2017 at 08:01 PM
  #36
i wish i knew lots of just right things to say to make it better. i know it dont work that way but i think it should. i like tryin to fix everything n make it better n if i could do that i would but best i got is im here carin about you ok? i hope to you get to pullin thru this faster then slower to.

NiKKi

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(dx list: DID/PTSD, ASD, GAD, OCD, LMNOP)
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Default Nov 14, 2017 at 05:04 AM
  #37
Don't be disgusted with yourself, Elevated. The people here understand. We're all carrying some burden too, but it doesn't mean we won't ever be happy.
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Default Nov 14, 2017 at 10:04 AM
  #38
I am fine now

This is one of the reasons i don't like talking, simply because nothing makes sense.
I don't know my thoughts or feelings and go through such dramatic shifts...
Talking just makes me look like a liar or manipulator.
I just am so disconnected that i don't understand either and know how frustrating it must be for other people trying to deal with me.
Thats why i try to keep everyone at a distance and dont let anyone in; that way they dont have to be bothered.

The bad thing is something will probably happen before the day is over to cause me to lose my balance
balance...

I wish that i didn't have to think about these things and that i could just be normal without falling apart upon being triggered

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Default Nov 14, 2017 at 10:20 AM
  #39
You don't come across as manipulative.

Keep talking to us, anyway. We're all in the same boat; trying to move steadily to the end of the day.
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Default Nov 14, 2017 at 01:04 PM
  #40
Sorry that you're still struggling so much ES.

You have said before that you were diagnosed with Bipolar but you would not and do not accept that DX.But when I read this I thought of you....

https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar...tment-effects/

You do seem to have rapid mood swings.Have you contacted anyone to let them know you are/do?
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