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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 12:10 PM
  #1
i went out trying to relax and blow some steam off thinking that being around some other people and having some fun would make me feel better and it kind of backfired... bad...

i was dissociating a great deal.. and didnt know what to do...
didnt know how to tell anyone around me or how to react...
i was gone for like 5 days and it just got worse because i didnt have my meds i think... plus getting high and not sleeping very much..

i tried to fight it really hard and stay grounded but i couldn't... and i think they started talking about me, cross talking like right in front of me because i was getting so dissociated i couldnt really realize what was going on or respond it was making it worse... making me paranoid... thinking that everyone was thinking bad about me or thinking i was crazy or something... like they were planning to do something to me and i couldnt relax...
couldn't focus... had voices inside my mind that were odd... mixing with outside conversations and the outside conversations not making alot of sense and being really confused like i wasn't able to process the information...

it felt like my mind divided greatly or walls went up...

was triggered bad by something that happened while gone, and then having another thing happen and then i think expecting something else or not sure what was going on...

so confused... now i think they are going to think that i am insane or have multiple personalities and i dont really even know what happened... just really hoping that i didnt black out because i haven't been able to get a clear answer out of anyone yet... they are like gangsters you know so its not easy to be out with them i guess...

i screwed up so bad... but its not my fault... i couldn't do anything to control it, i tried to make it stop and i feel so ****** about it...
i wanted to behave so differently but i couldnt do anything... visual distortions and everyting was ruining my ability to function...

think maybe i became psychotic even... im just scared that maybe i do have multiple personalities and now all of them know and i dont even know about it yet...

its all so blurry and i know they had to been talking about me but i was so dissociative i couldn't focus...

i just feel like i remember hearing them talk about my eyes and that they were darting back and forth...

feel like they took pictures of me and laughed at me...

feel so ******... i tried to lock in on a strong point of who i am but everything was so melted... i was so... disoriented... i dont know what to do... how am i going to fix this?

i cant have them thinking that i am weak... i feel so pathetic...
i couldn't even **** a girl because my mind was splitting so bad...
i think a few girls even were all over me but i dont really remember... i just kind of feel like at some point that was happening and they were trying to get me laid or something... but maybe i was hallucinating that...

i dont know what happened... i cant do this, how am i supposed to do this... how do you do this...?
i ****ing hate this... i am sick of it controlling me... sick of not being a person...

****ing sick of this ****... and its getting worse... like i try harder, i am better, but when its bad, its really bad... i just wish i did not forget my meds... maybe things would of been different... maybe i wouldn't of freaked out so bad... maybe i would of found a lover or new love... now i just made myself look ****ing insane and think that everyone wants nothing to do with me now...

im sick of this... makes me wish i was dead... because how can i make this better...

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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 03:42 PM
  #2
im just so confused as to what happened...

ive never had it happen like that before... i know i was high and it probably didnt help...

i just was not able to be here... function... respond...
lost control...

i have a big mess to clean up...

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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 06:28 PM
  #3
Hi. I don't much about your situation, so I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing.

Do you have a therapist you can talk this through with?

Is it possible someone got you to take some drugs that have caused this?

Don't worry too much about what people think. They'll almost certainly assume you'd taken something recreational.
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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 07:12 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue View Post
Hi. I don't much about your situation, so I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing.

Do you have a therapist you can talk this through with?

Is it possible someone got you to take some drugs that have caused this?

Don't worry too much about what people think. They'll almost certainly assume you'd taken something recreational.
I was taking same thing everyone else was as far as i know...

Left and forgot my medicine, effexor and topamax, so went 5 days without that.. and bein high and triggered because of something that happened and someone special that accidentally ended up there i haven't seen since i was a kid...

I did meth, weed, and might of some opiate but im not sure... they might of drugged me without tellin me what was in it..

I was having alot of visual distortions...
Like being in a tunnel.. not really able to see... like seeing through multiple eyes... different parts looking different like a mosaic... hearing was not processing..

I am seeing new therapist on the 10...

But im scared because i stopped thinking i had D.I.D. and thought it just borderline personality stuff... but this experience really scares me and i think i ****ed up my reputation...

I just froze or became this part that was terrified to be involved but i was there just not awake or able to do anything because i wasn't understanding or under control...

I was triggered when i saw the girl get assaulted.. havnt felt like that in so long...
My mind went in so many ways because of the situation... and im still trying to put it back...

I felt like i wanted to push out the good parts of my personality.. the strong and fun parts..
But they were all shut down or something... all that was present was ****ed up individual that didnt know what the hell was going on.. or what to do...

I shoulda been able to do something but i was doung all i could to keep from blacking out or passing out ...

I am lucky to have made it home without getting shot or beat the **** out of i think... but maybe just as bad... maybe now no one wants anything to do with me

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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 07:43 PM
  #5
im trying to put the days together but i cant...

its like i became in a trance... or hypnotized..
withdrawing from the medication probably didnt help... and i think freaking out and being paranoid about what they were thinking about me made it really bad...

i may have been raped even and i wouldnt of known it...

i just hate myself so much right now... trying not to have suicidal thoughts because i just want to be happy and not have these problems... i dont wanna kill myself... but i dont know how to make it go away... and i feel like no one understands and no one will help or anything and im all alone and no one is ever gonna be by myside with this what ever it is... and i just cant take it anymore...

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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 08:39 PM
  #6
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I am lucky to have made it home without getting shot or beat the **** out of i think... but maybe just as bad... maybe now no one wants anything to do with me
I am seriously worried for your safety, not just because of the obvious danger you put yourself in, but mostly because you worry about what they think of you. You want them to like you but these people do not sound like they care about you, respect you, or want you to be safe. I hope that you choose not to have any more contact with them because I want you to be safe.

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Default Nov 08, 2017 at 09:34 PM
  #7
likely not taking meds for five days caused some kind of withdrawal reaction which affected the chemicals in your head. then combined with the different drugs you did and lack of sleep, it probably created a huge storm in your head and made things out of control like that.

it might be best to stay away from situations like that in the future if you know people are using drugs and you aren't that stable to begin with. i have done that before and know the outcome is never anything good.

if you are concerned about a dissociative disorder, also stay away from things like weed and, really, any drug, because a lot of them can cause that type of reaction in general. that is what people seek when using drugs, to detach, dissociate, etc. in various ways. also, it would be hard to get a proper diagnosis if you are using drugs and/or alcohol because it doesn't give an accurate picture of your symptoms and can mask things or look like things that might not be correct.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 07:27 AM
  #8
You're not alone. The people here understand. Please don't think about hurting yourself.

I agree that these people don't sound cool. What kind of friend would let you get raped? In the future, honestly, think about finding a different crowd, where doing drugs isn't compulsory.

You're overestimating the need to be embarrassed by the way you acted. You were out of it. A bad trip. From their point of view, they won't know what caused it, too many factors involved.

Take care.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 09:28 AM
  #9
Well.. they kind of are family..

I just am having a hard time dealing with it...

It disturbed me not to be in control and to have so many things happening inside my mind...

Now they know that its bad probably and i put alot of energy into trying to hide whatever is wrong with me...

But im just not able to shake that D.I.D. feeling, paranoia, that maybe i do have it... i was in conflict and it was causing like freezing... not able to go one way because too many ways trying to be all going and fighting for dominance..

Ending up looking like an empty shell of a person going through some kind of system reboot or internal distress about which way to be... like i know i act different all the time but i couldnt do anything ... was frozen... hypnotized.. in a trance.. something.. with a lot going on inside the mind..

Telling me to do this
Say this, dont do this, ect and that the other people were talking about me.. but i just feel confused because i dont know what really happened like what was maybe just in my head and what was real...

I fought so hard to stay awake because i was scared that if i didnt something else would take over again and i might would of ended up in jail..

Im also scared of what i may have said while asleep because i talk in sleep pretty bad when my mind gets bad...

I just dont know what to do because i had convinced myself theres no way i have d i d... now i just dont know again... i just dont feel right...

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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 09:33 AM
  #10
elevatedsoul,

My son is on effexor and his withdrawals begin after missing his first dose,so I can't imagine the shape he would be in if he didn't take it for 5 days.

What you have written here sounds like a combination of withdrawals and then the meth,etc that you did,it sounds nothing like DID or even dissociation to me(I'm no doctor though).Becoming "psychotic",eyes darting back and forth,etc is why I say that,those aren't really symptoms of DID or dissociation but they can be symptoms of withdrawal or being really messed up on drugs.

I don't think you should worry about what anyone thought of you.I'm sure they were just thinking "lol,man he was really wasted" I'm sure there's probably been times you have laughed about someone who,at a party,gathering,whatever,was super wasted and acted bizarre.I know I have.And if they did take pictures and laugh,well that's usually what people that are partying together do,especially when there's always that one person in a group that gets overly wasted.

Don't beat yourself up over it.Just be careful,take your meds and stay away from hard drugs so it doesn't happen again.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 09:42 AM
  #11
I know we cannot diagnose here but it does not sound like DID at all to me, but rather side effects from hard drug use and psychiatric drug withdrawal. DID is something that only develops in very early childhood, not out of the blue in adulthood. I know it can be reassuring to look for that label that explains your problems, but this isn't the one.

As RubyRae said, take your meds as prescribed and stay away from hard drugs.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 09:49 AM
  #12
Elevated soul... yes Im going to say this... here we go again. no Im not saying this to be mean. Im saying this so that you can see whats going on because you said you are scared and dont know what is going on.......

if you reread your past posts you will see you have this same pattern in your posts where you are on track and doing ok, your doctors get you stable and on a treatment plan that starts to take care of some of your problems.

then you start asking questions about diagnostics and other peoples experiences with things you admit in your posts that you havent been diagnosed with yet.. basically researching online and on members...

then you take a break from posting and come back with posts loaded with how you went out, got drunk and high, cant remember what happened, add in the dangerous things, suicidal things. then after someone posts they are afraid for you, you post things like Im ok, everything is fine its just this or that.....then when no one answers you posts get more erratic and suicidal... (including things that later you say didnt happen), then when people do express their worry over you, your posts start saying dont worry, Im ok its just this or just that. and denying this or that, then we all have to point out to you in your posts where you said this or that happened...

my point I used to do this same cycle all the time, my doctors get me started on a treatment plan, then I throw it all to the wind and then complain to my friends how I messed up, how something strange is happening to me, and how maybe this or that happened while I was under the influence, but with no proof that the unremembered idea of something happening to me happened. denial when confronted... the whole works....Ive been there and done that...

heres the thing.... my having DID was to protect me not cause me problems. that meant that if I was out drinking and out with friends that were doing things my alters kept me safe. they prevented future rapes, not caused me to be raped, they were there to prevent someone from slipping me bad drugs, they were there to help me get home when I could not do so.... in other words they were there to do the things I could not do for myself since before I was 5 years old. it was this part of what DID was in me that enabled my doctors to see my pattern of self sabotaging and diagnose that pattern as other things then my DID. kind of like the rule for DID is the problems cant be because of other things. (you can read the actual DID rules at your library in the diagnostic books)

anyway by removing everything that was not DID and not dissociative symptoms like i thought they were, my treatment providers saw my pattern for what it was, my acting out, my going through the same cycles over and over again, Im not saying it was easy, it wasnt, I had to have patience and work with my treatment providers not against them. I had to choose to stay away from the drinking, I had to stop using mental disorders as an excuse of why I was drinking.

you already know doing drugs and alcohol keeps messing you up and makes you have dissociative like problems. (you have said this many times in your past posts) so why do it. like me you may have to sit down and look closer at why you keep doing the same things over and over again. only you can find your answers and make things so that you get better or stay in the same problems over and over and over and over again.

the good thing about psych central is there is always going to be people reading and replying to posts, it may not be the same people reading and replying because people do get better and move beyond staying stuck in the same patterns, which means they focus more on reading and posting to others like them that are moving on, not staying stuck in the same patterns over and over, but with thousands of members joining every day theres always going to be people here at the very least reading your posts and some will reply... thats evidence that you are not alone and never will be alone in this...

but even then its still up to you to decide whether you want to keep drinking and keep doing drugs, which causes you (by your own admission many times in your own posts, not making a diagnosis here) to not remember things, have hang overs, lime loss and other drinking and drugging problems that may or may not be dissociation depending on what your own treatment providers call it.

I chose to move on from that cycle of being around friends that drank to oblivion and did drugs around me... you are going to have to make your own choices.

when you decide to move beyond this cycle there is help.....

there is a board for addictions maybe you can find someone there that can tell you more about how they got unstuck from drinking and doing meth and weed.

your doctors can also get you into detox like they have before.
your doctors can also help you to get into alcohol and drug treatment programs.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 09:55 AM
  #13
I also wanted to add that instead of beating yourself up,stressing over this and trying to put a mental illness label to it,see it for what it was.

I have done so many humiliating,stupid,bizarre things in the past while drunk.Dancing on a table out in public...should I try to label it as a different personality or see it for what it was,that I was super wasted?

You are overthinking this.And I can guarantee if you tell a professional about it you will not get a DID diagnosis because of it.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 10:10 AM
  #14
Thanks...

I know i wouldnt get a dx from it..

I always am hard on myself and only wanted to go out to try to have fun because ive been having such a hard time and i kinda screwed it up...

I only worry about the d i d because i have been through a lot of things they say can cause it... and ex t said i dissociate alot but when i asked her about d i d she just said it may or may not be one thing is certain you have developmental childhood trauma...

Im scared to write too many details i dont want to give away my identity if any of them found me on here

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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 10:26 AM
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. I know i wouldnt get a dx from it.
I guess I'm wondering why you would even think it has anything to do with DID to be honest or why you would even worry that it means you have it.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 11:35 AM
  #16
Because of the experience.. what i felt, heard, seen, didnt see, didnt hear..

I am very forgetful... and it just awoke some fears...

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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 12:20 PM
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Because of the experience.. what i felt, heard, seen, didnt see, didnt hear..

I am very forgetful... and it just awoke some fears...
But.....but....you were on some heavy duty drugs and most people would attribute what you experienced to the drugs(and not taking their meds) rather than jumping to the conclusion that it might be DID.

That would be as logical as doing acid and hallucinating and then being concerned about psychosis or another mental illness without considering the obvious.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 12:27 PM
  #18
I have never experienced it like that before...

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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 12:33 PM
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I have never experienced it like that before...
Just as not each acid trip would be the same,withdrawals or even the meth,etc experiences can and are different.Just the same as each strain of weed gives a different type of high,some are a body buzz,some a head buzz,some make you zone out,others give you energy.

So having a different experience does not equal DID.

I think you should probably talk about all of this when you go on the 10th to ease your fears.
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Default Nov 09, 2017 at 12:45 PM
  #20
I know, its just stupid thought i had of explain how i experience daily life..

Its not the first time... feeling like this.. of thinking it might be d.i.d.

Im really depersonalized and shaken up...

I dont think im alive or a real person...
Because i just dont see anyone else having problems like this .. so i know something not right...

Im just scared because i got stuck and dunno what was goin on... think they think im insane because i was acting so bizarre.. now i dunno what to do because the whole world is going to think i am...

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