[TrailRunner14]

I know I’ve asked this before but it’s still there and I’m still struggling with it.

I know that there is a “me” but I’m having a hard time sorting that out.

*** THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING ***

I have a trauma memory as an infant that goes black after a certain point.

A part of me actually drew this infant in session with my counselor present.

I can feel that part at times and I know she is real.

If the trauma and dissociation started at such a very young age and continued with other parts being made, how can there be a “me”?

How am I not just a vessel holding all of these parts who shift in and out?

How can there be a me when the real me was shattered from infancy and continued to split to handle what she could not?

Does that make sense?

I kind of think that you come into this world as you, basically, and you are shaped and taught and nurtured into who you really are.

If that doesn’t happen and you wind up as a shattered mess, where do you find the original me?

I feel like I’m a passenger in the car and different parts are continually shifting in and out of the drivers seat.

It’s so easy for me to visually see that analogy. I don’t know what to think of that.

Does that make sense?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I know I’ve asked this before but it’s still there and I’m still struggling with it.

I know that there is a “me” but I’m having a hard time sorting that out.

*** THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING ***

I have a trauma memory as an infant that goes black after a certain point.

A part of me actually drew this infant in session with my counselor present.

I can feel that part at times and I know she is real.

If the trauma and dissociation started at such a very young age and continued with other parts being made, how can there be a “me”?

How am I not just a vessel holding all of these parts who shift in and out?

How can there be a me when the real me was shattered from infancy and continued to split to handle what she could not?

Does that make sense?

I kind of think that you come into this world as you, basically, and you are shaped and taught and nurtured into who you really are.

If that doesn’t happen and you wind up as a shattered mess, where do you find the original me?

I feel like I’m a passenger in the car and different parts are continually shifting in and out of the drivers seat.

It’s so easy for me to visually see that analogy. I don’t know what to think of that.

Does that make sense?

yes it makes sense and I had the same confusion and questions.... here is what my own treatment providers told me....

right now at this moment think of what you just did. maybe that was open the fridge or close a door or something more detailed watched a movie or what ever....

if you can take that moment and can say that it is you that is doing all this vs saying thelma is watching a movie, then you know that it is you..

her point there is a line that never crosses. that line for me was when I felt numb, spaced out,and disconnected from my body or what was going on. that moment where I could say rainy is crying, thelma wants to do this or that, Red is angry.

that moment when I am perceiving the alters as separate identities from me.

suggestion.... maybe read your past posts and notice when you have pointed out things like when your alters were in control they did this or that, when you posted that when you were thinking or doing something and you felt or heard or otherwise knew an alter was wanting something different.

I cant go any more in detail because explaining the rest of what you are asking requires information that can only be gotten from your own treatment providers, the mechanics so to speak on how to tell you from each of your alters. your treatment provider can help you to discover what is you and what is your alters, in other words what exactly got you diagnosed with DID and how your alters were created, what kind of system you have and more that only your treatment provider can explain.

[Amyjay]

TR I am coming to grips with the fact that all of these parts are me. There IS a me. It is us. All of us. We are "me" even though I see myself as "me" and I see them as "them". We are me.
We have dissociative identity disorder. My identity, my sense of me, my sense of my self is dissociated and disordered. It is in parts. This is Me. I am Me. They are Me. These parts are Me.
The one who ran away every chance she could is Me. The one who shut down and checked out is Me. The one who loved her daddy and felt like a princess on those daddy-daughter nights is Me. The one who hated her mother fiercely is Me. I, who functions in the world not perfectly but good enough is Me.
I think of myself as the "real" Me but I am beginning to realize I am not. All of these parts are Me. I am only one of them. We are all Me.
There was one child born and that child became what she needed to be. A cluster of "I"s who altogether made up her Me.
That is where I am, what I am beginning to understand about Me.

Ummm, I feel like a life and it takes all of us to live this life even in our own way. Core??? A central CPU that lives life through the alters with out no real person? A nobody but a consciousness shared to create the illusion of a singular life?

I am me....but who is me? It's not like I totally disappear to wake up later. I change to another Other....that other takes over and becomes me. It's a daze and a ride. Then I'm the next one. The lights are always on....but never the same color light.

i feel insane at times, but not crazy.