[MtnTime2896]

I have a situation I can't wrap my head around.

One of the others is in love with someone. And I don't feel the same way about this person, I love them but not like that. I'm also not gay, so that's making this more difficult. They love each other, help each other and are both happy. He hasn't been truly happy in a very long time, so I don't want to come between that. At the same time, it's making me very uncomfortable.

Here's another obstacle: My friend also has alters and it's one of hers that's in love with mine. How we became such good friends is because of our struggles with MI and because we both understand where we have come from. All of them are our friends.

I don't know what to do. Try and stop it (a part of me doubts I can), or just let it continue. Their host is ignoring it because it makes her uncomfortable. But I need to talk to her about this because I'm just as uncomfortable. I don't want to be selfish and take away something that helps both of them. What do I do here?

[Amyjay]

It seems like it is an exceedingly messy situation all around.
I can't advise you what to do but I can tell you what I would do in that situation and that is stay the heck away from anything like that.

Are you stable? Is she stable? Are all of your selves in agreement with this relationship or are some of you against it and some of you ambivalent? Are all of her selves in agreement with this relationship or are some of her selves against it and some of them ambivalent?

I think relationships work out better when there are clear boundaries. Im the situation you mention - 1 alter in you and 1 alter in her are in love but the other alters are uncomfortable or against it - how on earth are you going to figure out the boundaries of what is okay at what time and with whom?? How on earth do you protect yourselves???

[MtnTime2896]

The only thing we all agree on in this situation is that we're happy they're happy. Hers feel the same way as I understand it. While I'm happy they're happy, I'm not comfortable. And you made a good point in asking if either of us are stable. The truth is, I know I'm not. My flashbacks and dissociation are out of control. And I don't think she's stable either. Neither system sleeps a lot because the other one is usually having nightmares. We aren't okay, neither of us and haven't been for some time. We've always maintained our friendship through it all and I don't want to lose that. I don't think I can handle losing that.

Edit: I do have an alter who is very against it. He doesn't trust anyone (even friends), let alone in a romantic relationship.

[amandalouise]

complicated situation maybe maybe not. think about how your whole life has been. not just today.

DID type alters have their own sense of agency based on who and what they are, how much control they have and so on. this doesnt just start today, yesterday or later on in the future. this begins with the very first traumatic even that resulted in that alters creation.

my point to figure out how to handle this situation look back on your whole life time since that first altered state of mind / creation. how have you and your system handled such things as having friends, dating and love before.

that will answer how to best handle this situation now.

Another suggestion reread your past posts, you may find information in your past posts either in your own started threads or replies to others that will explain to you how you and your alters care, like, and love others, and express this and what you all do when you all are with your friends, when one likes or cares or loves others....

for me when I took this same issue to my treatment providers thats what they said to do, look inside and see how since before I was 5 years old my system handled such things as liking, caring, loving others, dating, intimacy... its not like I and my alters never liked another person, its not like in my whole life time that I and my internal system over cared and expressed caring for another person.

Then my treatment provider asked me to think about something.... if I based my relationships with others on the shared experience of having DID, and having each others alters, play, date and so on what does that mean....

my answer is in order for this to happen one or more of us had to have been dissociated so that the resulting alter that took control would be the one that was in love with someone elses alters.

example if Rainy was in love with someone elses alter then I and my other alters would have had to be triggered by a thunder storm. .........And..............the friend with the alter in question would have had to also at the same time be triggered by what ever that alters trigger was...

lets put a name in her to show this...

Rainy is out because I and everyone else in my system is upset and triggered by thunder storm.

Peter (alter in someone elses system) is out because Jake (friend who Peter lives in) is dissociated because Jake is triggered by their work problems.

now you have Amanda is upseet and triggered by the storm, rainy took over and Amanda's friend Jake is upset about something at work so Peter took over.

Do I really want to cause myself to be upset and triggered and have Jake cause himself to get upset and triggered by what ever peters sense of agency trigger is just so that Peter and rainy can have an affair.

nope. I also never tell another person with DID to make their self worse just to let their alters play with each other.

All the different elements of dissociation on all sides have to line up, and the key element is having each other be so traumatized (triggered) either negatively or positively to the point where both in the situation are dissociated into the correct altered states of mind for two alters in love to be together to begin with.

the odds of this happening more than just an accidental, once in a blue moon during the week let alone a whole life time of both persons with DID...

yea my opinion is that you dont have much to worry about, unless you and this other person are purposely causing yourself to have your dissociation problems.

(which of course means you probably dont have to worry about having the diagnostic label of DID much longer if you have so much control over your system that you can purposely cause the right alter to come out at the right time and this other person has the same amount of control. with that much control usually .......here in NY ........the diagnosis gets changed to fictitious disorder imposed on self due to causing one self to have their dissociation symptoms.)

my point is to breath and relax. since the odds of this developing further is extremely thin, because so many elements in this has to line up perfectly, it will probably fizzle out on its own, Unless you help it along by purposely causing your self more pain and triggers that has to do with this alters sense of agency.

[dlantern]

Basically, you just have to explain what is happening be honest. I think the main things is you explained a conflict and then you have to know what else is next those in toxic relationship will not work.