advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Laurel1562
Member
 
Laurel1562's Avatar
Laurel1562 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Blue Springs
Posts: 65
5 yr Member
114 hugs
given
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 02:05 AM
  #1
One of my sisters, who is a walking trigger factory for me, is visiting this weekend to celebrate my middle daughter's graduation from nurse practitioner's school. I know she is coming for my daughter and I am happy for this as well as proud of my daughter.

However...my status as having DID or at least having named parts became apparent while in EMDR examining the trigger of hating being left out of things, specifically being not invited to things, especially being the only one not invited to something. This when I became aware of Little Billy (5) who I now know was introduced by Sandi (7).

So, while talking to my sister, she said her daughter is also coming which is cool because she is somewhat close to my daughter, but my sister announced she was hosting a girls' night out with her daughter and mine, but she did not invite me. Mind you, I know this weekend is about my daughter, but my sister seemed to go out of her way to tell me about this girls' night out and clearly did not invite me. This type of thing is typical for her and is a trigger for my older sister as well as my younger brother.

My littles, especially little Billy, are in a bad state right now and we could really use some support. My husband has been great, but he's sleeping now and he has his own stuff and my T is out of town and this is not enough of an emergency to bother him.

SCREAM!

__________________
DID, Bipolar, ADHD, Me, myself and I!
Lamictal 200mg
Laurel1562 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky

advertisement
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 06:55 AM
  #2
I'm so sorry you're struggling, Laurel1562 Yeah, that didn't seem very nice of your sister. I'm sorry you're triggered. Try not to take it too personally - hopefully, at least your daughter will be happy and have fun there, although I understand you'd feel hurt by not being there with her. Please take care of yourself. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, let us know how it goes
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Laurel1562
amandalouise
Wise Elder
 
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,133
15 yr Member
884 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 08:52 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurel1562 View Post
One of my sisters, who is a walking trigger factory for me, is visiting this weekend to celebrate my middle daughter's graduation from nurse practitioner's school. I know she is coming for my daughter and I am happy for this as well as proud of my daughter.

However...my status as having DID or at least having named parts became apparent while in EMDR examining the trigger of hating being left out of things, specifically being not invited to things, especially being the only one not invited to something. This when I became aware of Little Billy (5) who I now know was introduced by Sandi (7).

So, while talking to my sister, she said her daughter is also coming which is cool because she is somewhat close to my daughter, but my sister announced she was hosting a girls' night out with her daughter and mine, but she did not invite me. Mind you, I know this weekend is about my daughter, but my sister seemed to go out of her way to tell me about this girls' night out and clearly did not invite me. This type of thing is typical for her and is a trigger for my older sister as well as my younger brother.

My littles, especially little Billy, are in a bad state right now and we could really use some support. My husband has been great, but he's sleeping now and he has his own stuff and my T is out of town and this is not enough of an emergency to bother him.

SCREAM!
Sorry you are going through this...

Question.... how has your system handled this kind of situation in the past....

reason I ask this is because...

you are obviously an adult (your post says you have a daughter that is graduating nursing school )

DID and having dissociative type alters begins in very early childhood, my locations mental health statistics/demographics (reports by mental health treatment providers to the government and state/ county health reporting agencies) by this standard it means an adult whether they knew and had the diagnosis they were DID/had dissociative alters since the body age of before 5.

in a normal persons life time a person has many situations in childhood on up into adulthood when they find out there is an event that they have not been invited to example birthday parties, teenage get together's, dating, pool parties, weddings, memorials, school events like dances and other completely normal things that children teens and adults deal with knowing something is going on that they have not been invited to or have purposely been left out of. even between neighbors there are get togethers and such where one may not be invited to go to.

if I remember right (havent checked out your past posts yet) you went through a very fast healing process of not knowing billy was there to knowing and developed co consciousness with billy with in days and hours....... and in this post you seem to know a lot about your alters and what is going on...

my point is since you have co consciousness and such with your alters you can look back at your lifetime and also ask inside to billy and the others and
find out how you and your system has handled these things in the past. this will tell you what you need to do now.
amandalouise is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
Laurel1562
Member
 
Laurel1562's Avatar
Laurel1562 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Blue Springs
Posts: 65
5 yr Member
114 hugs
given
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 11:25 AM
  #4
Quote:
if I remember right (havent checked out your past posts yet) you went through a very fast healing process of not knowing billy was there to knowing and developed co consciousness with billy with in days and hours....... and in this post you seem to know a lot about your alters and what is going on...
Co-consciousness is not the same as healing. There are plenty of systems that have co-consciousness, but they are not integrated or healed. We are in the beginning process of treatment for DID and have a long road ahead of us.

Quote:
my point is since you have co consciousness and such with your alters you can look back at your lifetime and also ask inside to billy and the others and
find out how you and your system has handled these things in the past. this will tell you what you need to do now.
My system has never dealt with this situation well; we are always thrown into a crisis. We recall a party back in third grade when we were not invited. We asked someone about it, because we didn't know what to do and we were given bad advice. As a result, we got an invitation and attended the party, but were confronted and asked why we invited ourself. Long story short, this situation has been replayed in our mind innumerable times, always trying to figure out what we could have done better--how we could have dealt with the pain. Still haven't figured it out. It is torturous.

To repeat what I said earlier, it was through exploring this trigger that little Billy came out in therapy. In the week following, I was informed (I think by Athena) about more alters. Chaos ensued, with alters popping up and going away like Whack-a-mole, or a roulette wheel. I assure you, co-consciousness is not the same as healing. It is just a different type of system. And there is not complete co-consciousness for all alters and I loose time on occasion.

Co-consciousness is a gateway for beginning to get co-operation between alters and is needed, I guess, for integration-which we do not want by the way, preferring eventual cooperation, but if parts integrate naturally, that is fine. We are so far from healed it's not funny. And this situation with my sister is raising havoc--putting us back in what we have always experienced as an intolerable situation.

__________________
DID, Bipolar, ADHD, Me, myself and I!
Lamictal 200mg
Laurel1562 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
amandalouise
Laurel1562
Member
 
Laurel1562's Avatar
Laurel1562 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Blue Springs
Posts: 65
5 yr Member
114 hugs
given
Unhappy Dec 05, 2018 at 11:37 AM
  #5
Please forgive my blabbing, but I'd like to share what my experience of co-consciousness is like for sake of clarity. It does not mean cooperation. It means that I am aware of an alter or alter. Sometimes I experience it like I am sitting in the back seat of a car while someone else is driving. Sometimes it is like watching the body being hijacked and I feel like I am behind a transparent wall, watching, but unable to change what is happening. Sometime it is hearing a thought in my head giving their opinion. Sometimes it is hearing arguments in my head between alters. I am not able to read my alters minds, nor have I met them all. As I have said before, we are in the beginning of our therapeutic process. And there is a spectrum of systems, each one being different. Perhaps in yours, Amanda, co-consciousness was a great leap forward in healing. For me, it has not been.

__________________
DID, Bipolar, ADHD, Me, myself and I!
Lamictal 200mg
Laurel1562 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
amandalouise
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 11:56 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurel1562 View Post
One of my sisters, who is a walking trigger factory for me, is visiting this weekend to celebrate my middle daughter's graduation from nurse practitioner's school. I know she is coming for my daughter and I am happy for this as well as proud of my daughter.

However...my status as having DID or at least having named parts became apparent while in EMDR examining the trigger of hating being left out of things, specifically being not invited to things, especially being the only one not invited to something. This when I became aware of Little Billy (5) who I now know was introduced by Sandi (7).

So, while talking to my sister, she said her daughter is also coming which is cool because she is somewhat close to my daughter, but my sister announced she was hosting a girls' night out with her daughter and mine, but she did not invite me. Mind you, I know this weekend is about my daughter, but my sister seemed to go out of her way to tell me about this girls' night out and clearly did not invite me. This type of thing is typical for her and is a trigger for my older sister as well as my younger brother.

My littles, especially little Billy, are in a bad state right now and we could really use some support. My husband has been great, but he's sleeping now and he has his own stuff and my T is out of town and this is not enough of an emergency to bother him.

SCREAM!
Maybe you could plan some kind of fun activity while the girls night will be taking place.Like go shopping for new crayons and coloring books or watching a good movie while having candy and other snacks.Make a big deal out of it and maybe that will help.Kids are easily distracted in real life,it tends to work when they're inside kids too.

Last edited by Betty_Banana; Dec 05, 2018 at 12:00 PM.. Reason: Spelling
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Laurel1562
amandalouise
Wise Elder
 
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,133
15 yr Member
884 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 12:44 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurel1562 View Post
Co-consciousness is not the same as healing. There are plenty of systems that have co-consciousness, but they are not integrated or healed. We are in the beginning process of treatment for DID and have a long road ahead of us.


My system has never dealt with this situation well; we are always thrown into a crisis. We recall a party back in third grade when we were not invited. We asked someone about it, because we didn't know what to do and we were given bad advice. As a result, we got an invitation and attended the party, but were confronted and asked why we invited ourself. Long story short, this situation has been replayed in our mind innumerable times, always trying to figure out what we could have done better--how we could have dealt with the pain. Still haven't figured it out. It is torturous.

To repeat what I said earlier, it was through exploring this trigger that little Billy came out in therapy. In the week following, I was informed (I think by Athena) about more alters. Chaos ensued, with alters popping up and going away like Whack-a-mole, or a roulette wheel. I assure you, co-consciousness is not the same as healing. It is just a different type of system. And there is not complete co-consciousness for all alters and I loose time on occasion.

Co-consciousness is a gateway for beginning to get co-operation between alters and is needed, I guess, for integration-which we do not want by the way, preferring eventual cooperation, but if parts integrate naturally, that is fine. We are so far from healed it's not funny. And this situation with my sister is raising havoc--putting us back in what we have always experienced as an intolerable situation.
sorry I should have explained myself better... here where I am the term healing doesnt mean a person is cured or integrated. it means making progress, things are looking up, something positive is happening where it wasnt before.

I was in the frame of mind of remembering your posts where one day you discovered billy was there when you did not know who they were and that billy was there, then you progressed rather quickly in your posts to being able to communicate with billy. thats what I meant by healing and co consciousness. you made positive moves forwards from not knowing this alter at all or even existed then discovered they were there then .... thats what the healing journey is here in my location for DID and dissociative alters. here where I am if a person isnt healing they would still be stuck back in the situaiton of not knowing they have dissociative problems, not knowing they have alters and not becoming co conscious... see what I mean..

here where I am developing co consciousness where previously there was none is called healing/ making progress.
amandalouise is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
amandalouise
Wise Elder
 
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,133
15 yr Member
884 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 12:51 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurel1562 View Post
Please forgive my blabbing, but I'd like to share what my experience of co-consciousness is like for sake of clarity. It does not mean cooperation. It means that I am aware of an alter or alter. Sometimes I experience it like I am sitting in the back seat of a car while someone else is driving. Sometimes it is like watching the body being hijacked and I feel like I am behind a transparent wall, watching, but unable to change what is happening. Sometime it is hearing a thought in my head giving their opinion. Sometimes it is hearing arguments in my head between alters. I am not able to read my alters minds, nor have I met them all. As I have said before, we are in the beginning of our therapeutic process. And there is a spectrum of systems, each one being different. Perhaps in yours, Amanda, co-consciousness was a great leap forward in healing. For me, it has not been.
I actually had very little to no coconsciousness with most of my alters. co consciousness is not a necessary element here where I am in terms of healing. it is part of the healing journey for some but here where I am healing just means making progress, not staying stuck. looks like you and I, our locations and treatment providers just have a difference of definitions of what the term healing means.

I tend to think about it like a cut or broken bone. even though the bone is still broke and you can still see the cut, progress is being made to help that bone or cut. it is healing from the moment of the damage thanks to how the body takes care of itself.. mental problems are healing the moment a person takes the steps to see their problems and do something about the problem. Doesnt mean the problem is going to be fixed cured over night, just that positive changes are happening.
amandalouise is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Laurel1562
Member
 
Laurel1562's Avatar
Laurel1562 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Blue Springs
Posts: 65
5 yr Member
114 hugs
given
Smile Dec 05, 2018 at 01:52 PM
  #9
Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful answers. I have missed reading and posting here, but we have been avoiding this forum because it has been triggering and we have had to avoid dissociating and falling apart due to family obligations. Thanksgiving was almost too much, but we made it through. I have been feeling so alone and you all make me feel valued and your support is so amazing.

__________________
DID, Bipolar, ADHD, Me, myself and I!
Lamictal 200mg
Laurel1562 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
amandalouise
Laurel1562
Member
 
Laurel1562's Avatar
Laurel1562 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Blue Springs
Posts: 65
5 yr Member
114 hugs
given
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 01:57 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
Maybe you could plan some kind of fun activity while the girls night will be taking place.Like go shopping for new crayons and coloring books or watching a good movie while having candy and other snacks.Make a big deal out of it and maybe that will help.Kids are easily distracted in real life,it tends to work when they're inside kids too.
Betty, these suggestions sound wonderful. I think the little ones would really enjoy them!

__________________
DID, Bipolar, ADHD, Me, myself and I!
Lamictal 200mg
Laurel1562 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Anonymous46969
Guest
Anonymous46969 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dec 09, 2018 at 04:20 PM
  #11
However...my status as having DID or at least having named parts became apparent while in EMDR examining the trigger of hating being left out of things, specifically being not invited to things, especially being the only one....SCREAM![/QUOTE

How rude, inconsiderate, & 28 other not as nice words!!

As a performance dog competition trainer, I learned a concept called dumb handler. When you want dog to figure out what the right thing to do is, handler pretends not to understand wrong behavior. If your sister were the dog, you the handler/mom would tell your daughter how much you are looking forward to girls night. Get dressed and prepare to go. Give your sister the opportunity to chose the right behavior

Congratulations on raising such a successful, intelligent daughter.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Laurel1562
Member
 
Laurel1562's Avatar
Laurel1562 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Blue Springs
Posts: 65
5 yr Member
114 hugs
given
Trig Dec 20, 2018 at 05:50 PM
  #12
Alright, here's how it turned out.

First I took Betty Banana's suggestion and had a movie night with treats. My hubby and youngest daughter and I watched a movie they swear I watched with them years ago and of which I have absolutely no recall. I used to think they remembered wrong, but now that I know I have DID, I no longer trust my memory. Watching it, none of it seemed familiar (although during one scene I started to dissociate--felt fuzzy headed--and got an instant headache). I asked them again if they were sure I had watched it and they said 100%. I asked what about 200% sure? And they both said yes. My husband even remembers us laughing about Robert DeNiro's character (we watched Stardust). So we had a lot of fun, but to be confronted with another instance of amnesia, was a bit of a bummer.

As for the rest, here is a total rant about it. Please forgive its length.

So…this is what happened:

It was as bad as I had feared. My sister rubbed it in my face all they were going to do and still did not invite me. She also claimed at the celebration dinner for my daughter that she had “invited” our older sister to the graduation event. Poor Amara felt bad that she was so bad at inviting. And then when I said that I had talked to my older sister about it, my sister and my niece made snooty faces at each other, apparently mocking me. Good thing I had appealed to my “crew” to not act out at the dinner for my daughter’s sake or it could have gone pretty terribly. Although, it would have felt satisfying to see Jimmy (super angry protector alter) to let loose on her! Oh yeah. But not good for my daughter’s celebration. 😉

Now my husband had advised us to let my sister know after the girl’s night out how I felt that I wasn’t included. I didn’t want to say anything in advance because if she changed her mind we would feel we were there because we complained and not because we were wanted. Here are the texts from the day after the girl’s night out.

Me: Hey sis, I love you so much. I need to share something with you. In the process of my therapy we had begun using EMDR to deal with certain triggers. We were dealing with the trigger of how hard it is for me to be excluded from things and this is when I learned I had parts. That being said, I want you to know, and I emphasize that you did not do anything wrong, that I was hurt and triggered when I wasn't invited to girl's night out with you, Caitlin and Amara. I repeat, you didn't do anything wrong. When you said you had invited Kris to the graduation and to stay with you at your hotel, I assumed she would have been included in the girl's night out with you as well. So I felt hurt again, excluded and worthless. This is so hard to share. I think all of our Mother's children hate being excluded because of how she rejected us and made us feel like worthless pieces of ****. Right? So you are not responsible for how I feel when I was triggered. I am responsible for my feelings and they will remain a focus in my therapy. I love you so much and because I know you love me and have been in the same position I have been in and can identify with my emotions, I felt it was safe to share mine with you. You are very important to me and always will be. I love you. 💓
[Needless to say I lied when I wrote she hadn’t done anything wrong, because we felt she had! Teehee]

Her: No I did not it was girl time for Caiti [my niece, btw] and Amara that's why we stayed Saturday we originally we're leaving Saturday [A week or so before she came out, she told me on the phone about the girl’s night out and told me I had done a good job with Amara. It seems she went out of the way to tell me all they would be doing, all the while making it clear I was not going to be included. Also, if it was Caiti and Amara time, why was she there? She failed to see that as inconsistent!]

Me: I'm confused. What do you mean by you did not?

Her: Caiti wanted to stay to spend Saturday with Amara we asked Krissy if she was coming if she was she could stay at the hotel had nothing to do with Caiti and Amara time [Total lie. She clearly said at the dinner to my daughter that she had invited my other sister. She said it in such a way as to imply no one else had invited Kris so she had to. My daughter even apologized in so many words claiming she was so “bad” at not inviting people to her graduation. Score another for my sister. I wanted to smack her. I was quite hurt and Sandi and Suzy were triggered. Luckily my husband noticed and comforted us.]

Me: I'm confused, still. Are you saying you did not participate in the Caiti and Amara activities? I would have loved to spend more time with you. 🤗

[At this point she called me and repeatedly told me it was not all about me, had nothing to do with me, but was all about my daughter who just got her master’s degree and didn’t feel like she accomplished anything and felt like she was a piece of ****. She also said my daughter doesn’t feel like I appreciate her (in so many words). So I am left with the impression that I neglect my daughter but that she and her daughter are the ones able to make her feel special. She did throw in a “I’m sorry you feel left out,” or something to that effect, but the major tenor of the phone rant was that it was not about me. So I am left with the impression that I am a narcissistic, neglectful mother, unlike her and her daughter. And she left completely unaddressed the idea that we both know that my other sister had she shown up would have been included in the girl’s night out. Oh, yeah and she hung up on us.]

When the call was over, my littles were triggered and our hands were shaking and we were completely freaking out. We believed what she said and we felt so bad. We felt we were bad, very bad, so we texted her back.

Me: I'm sorry I yelled at you. I love you. I had no idea Amara felt that way.

Me: Thank you for helping her feel special. 💓

Her: I love you too

Me: I have so much to learn from you. Thank you for being such a good sister. I wish I was a better sister to you. You deserve it. [I would barf here, but little Sandi means well when she inspires my words.]

Her: No we are family I love you

A few hours after the call I realized my sister had gaslighted me, trying to reframe what had happened over the weekend and somehow making it all my fault that I was hurt. I have to give her this: she is masterful. I had used I statements to share a trigger which I did not blame her for and I am left with the impression that she and her daughter care more about my daughter than I do. She does this not just to me but to my other siblings also implying special bonds with their children which contradicts what their parents say about their own children. She needs to be seen as the rescuer, caretaker, and if anything is wrong it is with you and never her.

She is the kind of person who when you are the focus of attention is pretty amazing. She makes you feel really good, but if you are not her special focus, you might as well not exist.

Well, I gave her what she wanted. I ended up apologizing and then worshipping at her altar. OMG!. I really think she is unable to feel empathy. She is unable to see that although she was there to make my daughter feel special she proceeded to send me the message that I wasn’t. Including me in the events with my daughter does nothing to take away her specialness. The more the merrier, right?

I think she is not able to show caring to more than 1 or 2 people at a time. Anyhow, after this I conclude 100% that she is not safe. I was wishing she was, but as past experience has shown, she is not.

Now, my sister did send me a text apologizing for being “ugly.” And after my older (and safer, kinder) sister talked with her, she did call me and apologize for hurting my feelings. That may sound nice and to some degree it was, but she didn’t really grasp how it hurt me and she will continue to engage in excluding behavior in the future. My alter Sandi, who is 7, trusts so easily and forgives so quickly, will be hurt again and again by my sister. We need to learn how to set good boundaries with my sister to minimize our hurt yet still leave the door open for an improved relationship with her in the future.


__________________
DID, Bipolar, ADHD, Me, myself and I!
Lamictal 200mg
Laurel1562 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Betty_Banana
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 22, 2018 at 04:39 PM
  #13
It sounds like your sister is unlikely to change the way she is and does things.It might be best to just accept that she is who and how she is and limit your contact with her.

It's sad though to have to do that but sometimes we have to put ourselves first.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Laurel1562
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:58 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.