[kbonnieboo]

I suppose I always knew there was more than one me. Heck, I gave us names - I thought jokingly - in college. I'm now 48. But when I finally got myself to a trauma specialist in July instead of another one of a long series of regular therapists who diagnosed me with all kinds of things, we soon began to realize what was really going on.

I don't like this diagnosis. It makes me feel crazy in a way major depression or bipolar disorder or PTSD or anxiety disorder or ADHD never did.

Yet I know, finally, it's correct.

Before we diagnosed or I even knew what my therapist suspected, he asked me to imagine a room and invite all parts of myself to it. Three people came and it was easy. However, when I realized this wasn't just an exercise and those identities were real, they wouldn't come anymore.

Yet, for awhile I would still hear them talk to me, and I started to recognize some of their voices.

The holidays are pretty triggering to me, though, and for the last couple of weeks I have been in a fog. I don't know who's in charge. Often I think no one is in charge and my brain is a big, blank space.

This is a problem, because the one who is excellent at my job is NOT in charge or anywhere nearby. I need her back. Whoever's around lately can do my job, but they're not great at it. I need my expert.

But I don't hear any other voices and the inside of my brain is a fog.

So before I start asking how to get to know my system and get it to cooperate ... have any of you ever been able to call up someone specific? Specifically if you don't know anything about them...even their name?

Do I have to clear our this murkiness to find her?

By the way, I'm Bonnie. Nice to meet you.

Thanks for your real story.... we hope that you are doing well sweetie....the holidays are almost over thank God.

Our system is different in a way that we are co-present, co-conscience and co-hosting. We function as a group like a crew on a ship....most decisions are done in vote, compromise, or advisement...of course we have our rogues. How did we get like this? A lifetime of trying to stay incognito and “normal”- so we learned to work together to pass.

To be able to co-operate...one must be able to openly communicate with the other members of the system....trust needs to be achieved through honesty and desire to be complicit. Not everyone has to be on board, but enough to maintain assemblance of a timeline....like we go to work, do life and people GOOD ENUFF to not be TOO embarrassing (still them moments lol)....

We also have like a ‘life theme”- a character with likes and dislikes borrowed from here and there: a public image.

Can your Others be afraid of being rejected, mocked, belittled, dismissed, or anything that would make them hide? They have feelings too and wish to not be invalidated also.

In our mind, it’s so active with so many thoughts and ideas that are off topic and others working in conjunction with each other.... I actually thought that I was supersmart...lol...but I eventually began to realize that the voices were all different sounding in dialect, gender, age, tone, tenor, and intensity...like a classroom of people. We fell apart for years but have managed to reground ourselves again in the know.

My understanding that their is no real trick to this...but therapy. For us it was natural that we worked on it for years because in the beginning (40 years) it was quiet and lonely in here.

About calling up an alter specifically...it’s a lot to name calling in here. Since ittakes many of us to deal with just a day....triggers, situations, events, people, needs require certain parts to step up to do their job for the moment.

I seriously can’t see us integrating (a bunchoftheothers are scared) due to the amount of alters and fragmented pieces of memory....so co-operation is the best that we are going to get out of us.

Welcome to this forum and glad to read about yourselves.