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Old 01-14-2019, 12:02 PM #1
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Help Need help

This is Tyler. I've been on here before but it's been a while.

S isn't in a good place. We have another alter, Star, who keeps telling her that one of our abusers was actually a savior and that we betrayed her. S is wanting to contact our abuser. I really can't go through that. The things this person did won't leave me alone. She isn't a savior, she's a sick sadistic, uncaring *****.

Excuse the outburst. I just can't have us getting hurt again. What do I (or we) do?
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:53 PM #2
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Default Re: Need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by S leigheas View Post
This is Tyler. I've been on here before but it's been a while.

S isn't in a good place. We have another alter, Star, who keeps telling her that one of our abusers was actually a savior and that we betrayed her. S is wanting to contact our abuser. I really can't go through that. The things this person did won't leave me alone. She isn't a savior, she's a sick sadistic, uncaring *****.

Excuse the outburst. I just can't have us getting hurt again. What do I (or we) do?
only you know what you can do and cant do about this. suggestion think back to other times when this has happened, how did you handle it then. one thing about DID is that everything that comes with it has been going on since very early childhood, getting the diagnosis only puts a name on what has always been happening, so when you have problems like this all you need to do is look back at your life and see how you and the others have handled the situation before. Im taking a guess here that there is probably someone in the system that does have the sense of agency of handling the abusers, especially if the abuser is a family member. so my other suggestion is maybe since you seem to know about your system of alters just ask everyone who handles this situation if its not part of your sense of agency.
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Old 01-14-2019, 01:13 PM #3
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I'm so sorry you're struggling Keep reminding yourself the terrible things this abuser did - so that you'll know you don't want to get through this again. Try to keep Star under control, if you can. I'm so sorry, I wish I had better advice to give you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if there's something I can do to help. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 01-14-2019, 01:20 PM #4
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I agree with the above. Can you talk to your T about this? Thanks for sharing with us here. I agree that you need to stay away from this abuser. Im sending safe hugs (feel free to pm me)
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Old 01-14-2019, 04:07 PM #5
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Default Re: Need help

This dynamic is really common. We have it in our system too. It's a current focus for us in healing.

Our T explains it to us like this: In childhood, it was necessary for one or some of the alters to be positively attached to the abusers. We had to eat breakfast with them every morning, no matter what went on in the night time. There needed to be some part of self who was able to do that, to sit down with them and smile and appear like everything was okay.
And T is right, that is how it was for us. Our father became very violent and abusive if he didn't think we were displaying the respect and adoration he felt he was due. We absolutely needed to have parts of self that could smile at him and respect him and play that part when it was needed. If we weren't able to do that, he would have exploded in rage and abused us more.
For us, the only way those parts could do that job was if they didn't know anything at all about the abuse. They had to have no knowledge of any type of abuse at all. The only father they saw was when he was being "normal" and "socially acceptable" and non-abusive. One alter in particular still believes that no abuse occurred and any parts that believe it did are lying and deceitful and horribly awfully ungrateful for all the "wonderful things" the father did.

I understand the way for us to heal this rift in us is for the one(s) who only know the "good" father to learn about the abuse, and for the ones who only know the abusive father to develop an understanding for the reasons why it was important for some alters to not know about it, for whatever reason it served the developing child at the time.
It's hard. It's definitely not an easy process and there is a lot of resistance on both sides. It seems to be easier for us to first develop our understanding, compassion and gratitude for the ones who helped reduce the amount of overall abuse by "not knowing" and being able to act as though nothing was wrong. That was such an important job that saved us a lot of extra suffering. We can see that it also enabled the "overall child" that we were to experience some times of "normality", like just sitting down and eating breakfast with the family without being aware of the overall terror that was our life.


What really isn't helpful for us is just asking our system who deals with what and then trusting them to do their job, because in us that just serves to maintain the separation and dysfunctional ways of relating to the world. The dissociative dynamic that enabled one part of us to eat breakfast with the family (just as one example of action - there were many more) served it purpose back then but is not appropriate in our life today. Now we are adult and we want to learn to do things differently, as it seems you do.

So we are learning that the job of the alters who were/are positively attached to the abusers was actually protective. In childhood, for us, it helped reduce the overall amount of abuse we received and also allowed us to experience some aspects of "normality". The more we think about it the more we see this to be true.


Every part is there only for a very, very good reason. If they didn't help in some way, they just wouldn't be. Sometimes it appears as though they hurt rather than help but in the end every single part is a helper. Even Star, even if you are not sure how just yet.
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