Alters shutting personality down in hurt feelings.

In our system, we function as a group living life day by day, moment to moment aware and ready to switch as life sees fit. So as a group (us) we come across as a carefree person that enjoys life and has little inhibitations...until people start shaming us, growling at us, ridiculing us....

One by one each alter that got embarrassed quits fronting causing our outward appearances to change and feelings of hurt surge within, but we struggle on.

We hate this because now we feel like we are uncontrollably conforming to other people’s opinions of us as people pleasers....being unintentionally manipulated (or is) to fit what they say and want...much as our father did to us our whole life. We over care as to what others think of us until we are a jungled mass of hurt leading to a breakdown.

We have a real narcissist azz at work who growls at our wit that now when we are around him, most of us shut down leaving us devoid of character. This pisses me off to the point of either hurting him (which most wont do) or mostly hurting ourselves as per our norm. So like a good little soldier we just carry on feeling strangled when in their presence. We hate this, but the hurt others refuse to front in fear of them getting their feelings hurt again which is our feelings which also has us getting also mad at ourselves. This has often led to name calling and ridicule about out and within. We are very sensitive.

Maybe this is the want behind integration or at least it should be... but we are so adverse that most don’t, the hurt ones want to hide, and we live on less as a person with a pulsating hurt deep within.

How does one bring us together specifically from within without any outside help?

Unfortunatey I don't have a lot of advice to give to you, AlwaysChanging2. Just wanted to let you know that I've read what you wrote and that I care about you. I'm so sorry you're going through. I hope you'll feel better soon. Sending many hugs to you

for me I didnt try to bring everyone together with or without help. I just accepted that each of my alters had their own sense of agency (who and what they were, their job, purpose, and that they were there for a reason, and how much control they had was what they had)

I didnt try to change any of them or try and make any of them conform. they just were who and what they were and thats how they would always be.

I accepted the fact that before I was diagnosed they handled everything in such a way that we all survived to reach that point of adulthood. if they could handle things before I was diagnosed they sure as heck had everything they needed to make sure I and everyone inside me survived after diagnosis. that diagnosis didnt change anything other than put a name on whats always been there my whole life.

because of how I looked at things and how my treatment providers shared this same views on what my DID was, what and who my alters were and such, there was no competing, hurt feelings from each other and what each other was doing.

before I was diagnosed each of my alters had their own things that they did to protect me and everyone based on the triggers that caused me to dissociate.

example if someone (I or the alters) were being ridiculed, embarrassed, intentionally or unintentionally being manipulated by others the alters or I would dissociate (feel numb spaced out disconnected, )and the alter who's sense of agency was to handle these feelings and situations would take control and handle it.

maybe you can ask inside to see which one of your alters handled those feelings of embarrassment and manipulations any other time in your life.

I mean people dont get through elementary school, jr high and high school and various work/careers without having to deal with at one time or another being embarrassed or manipulated or being forced to conform to society rules and ethics and such...since DID begins in very early childhood and experiencing embarrassment and such is part of almost every aspect of life, childhood and adult you can fall back on looking back on your life and paying attention to how these feelings and situations have been taken care of all your lifetime.

Another thing you can do is maybe look back on all your past posts here. according to your profile you have been a member for many years. maybe you have either posted about this situation before about your self and your own system or have replied to someone else giving them ideas from what has helped you.

I don’t really have advice. I just wanted you to know I’ve read this and I’m sending hugs (if ok)

Grrrr at the N Azz

If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the fire.

We wrote this post in regards of being corralled into being like a robot, isolated, withdrawn, without any hint of personality,... everywhere.

Always reacting to other people’s comments and attitudes and not being able to be an established individual.

Once this happens...how do you get it back? Fear plays a lot in this, fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, fear of being chastised, fear of being judged, .... then we have this fear of being noticed, fear of being recognized, fear of fame,....

Soon this downward spiral of not wanting to offend anyone turns into a prison of oppressed and exille much like how we was when we were a kid.

It’s no fun being a robot not allowed to express its self.

Where’s my yellow brick road?

I found somewhere interesting to express myself only the other day. And then that place vanished, poof.

That prison of exile and oppression... in the “FOO” grrrrrrrrrrrrrr I can relate.

Each host in time has their own personality...but it’s all them. Trying to be as a group is very difficult not having a host to hide behind. It usually takes one negative comment to bring us down affecting a change to “people please” even though we are dying not to. We can’t seem to stand up to how we are and how we be...to be our own character.

This to our system is devastating...everyone screaming unfair! Then a champion amongst us arises to the forefront till the facade wears thin and it crumbles. This is why we can’t do long term relationships in life...it is tiresome.

I'm so sorry, AlwaysChanging2 I hope you'll feel better soon. Sending many hugs to you

Thank Mickey...these are just a glimpse of how and why we are the way we are, reiterating something that we have known and spoken of our entire life but is powerless to change any bit of it.

This is our dilemma in a nutshell. Just musings, really.

We most likely have published something here on those same lines before, after all, after a few years you can run out of something to say and sound like a broken record reflecting to a whole new audience with a mix of the old members that says nothing because I’m sure they’ve heard it before which is fine.

We’ve studied some psych for years and a little in college till we broke down and left shortly, so in short- we know ourselves quite well. We can fix almost anything in life (machines)...but we can’t fix ourselves, lol.