How do you know?

I am working with a new T, we are on session 5. Other T’s in the past have suggested I might be DID but no one ever did anything more than mention it. Last session I remember T saying something about the look on my face and then I get all cloudy and broken up memory. Then he was quietly doing gaze. I don’t know how long we were doing it but I got really uncomfortable as soon as I caught it and I looked away. He moved on like nothing happened. Now I don’t know what to do. This week has been harder with a ton more anxiety than usual and other symptoms going haywire. Do I ask T what happened? Do I let him bring it up? I feel so bad for T. When I asked to work with him I explained I had been in therapy before but still had things that were not where I wanted them to be. I thought that with all the counseling in my past this should be pretty easy... but it is like I never accomplished anything in all those other years (which may be entirely possible). But I feel like hitting him with DID is unfair? Like I should have warned him? But I don’t know if a part came out or not and I don’t know his experience with DID. He lists trauma as one of the things he works with but it is not like he specializes in it yet alone DID. If he was doing gaze with a little he can’t be totally clueless right? I am not even sure if I am or ever was DID because the other Ts that mentioned it had other motives and ultimately were unethical with me. I know there are a few other things he has noticed but not “called me out on” yet and I am not sure why. If he doesn’t think I am ready or thinks I don’t know. I don’t want this to be added to that small herd of elephants standing in the corner.
T is really good with me and I trust him SO much even though it has been a short time. I have wondered a lot this past two weeks about if he would have been able to reach me as a kid had I been sent to him. I was so scared that anyone who tried to help ended up giving up. I don’t thing he would give up on someone who was hurting though. I just don’t think he could.

I'm so sorry, Omers Please don't geel guilty about it. It's not your fault if you have DID. Of course it doesn't depend on you. I'd suggest to just be honest with your T and tell him how you feel about this, since it's bothering you so much. It's important to be open and honest with him. If he's not able to treat DID, I think he will just tell you right away. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. After all, you've said you trust him. I know it's hard. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

first thing that jumped out at me was that you and the therapist had a bit of time where you and the therapist was quiet, and the therapist was looking at you (your word gaze) and when you noticed it made you uncomfortable. this is normal.

I have had many therapists in my life where we have had quiet moments where the therapist was just sitting their waiting and looking at me. when I asked one of my therapists about this they told me this happening is not a mental disorder thing. its a normal therapy thing where there is quiet moments in therapy where sometimes the therapist and client are quietly thinking and waiting. sometimes therapists use these moments to notice whether a person has good hygiene, is sitting calmly, whether silences make them uncomfortable or whether they are content with their own thoughts and quiet, whether they have certain body language/ habits and mannerisms. whether they are aware of their surroundings (noticing pictures, decorations, carpeting/flooring) my point these silences tell therapists many things about their clients that most do not even realize. some therapy offices even have video equipment in the lobbies to document how a client is in the lobbies vs how they are in the therapy sessions. (not to mention camera's and other security devices in lobbies ensures clients are safe in a day where some mental disorders can cause someone to act out violently or some stranger coming in off the street violently acting out)

my suggestion is if the silent moments caused you to be uncomfortable let your treatment providers know about it. they will explain to you why they were looking at you and why they were sitting quietly during your session.

as for why your therapist hasnt "called you out" for dissociative behaviors. they dont usually do that. in the words of my treatment providers they spend time documenting behaviors from the first session. these are called part of the session notes. they compare these things from session to session. example if you didnt show any dissociative symptoms during your first session when first sessions are usually very stressful and triggering just meeting a new therapist but then in session 3 or 4 start showing dissociative symptoms when things are quiet and calm, that raises some questions that a therapist may have to think about and evaluate and discuss with their staff meetings, why is this person suddenly showing this or that symptom....

there is also diagnostic questions that are thrown in to normal therapy sessions. you dont realize they are checking out your responses, body language, tone of voice, attitudes and so on when they ask seemingly normal questions. example if you are answering questions this way but showing that instead it can raise flags and questions that need to be checked out before they confront someone on their behaviors during therapy.

I have even had therapists who was a parent and did what parents do... choose their battles by ignoring negative behaviors and give attention to the positive attention getting ways. the idea behind this therapy approach is that instead of acting out the client looks for ways to be independent and look for positive solutions to their problems instead of acting out to get others to confront them about their negative behaviors. this works with any kind of mental disorder including dissociative.

my suggestion if you are having a problem with the fact that you are showing your therapist certain symptoms and behaviors either consciously or while dissociated talk with your treatment provider. they will explain why they havent confronted you about it (your word called you out about it).

My T is in private practice rather than in a clinic type setting. I am sure that he still gets some kind of peer supervision but I don’t think they are as intrusive with him as they would be ina clinic type setting. He also has over30 years experience which is a huge plus. I know he is very attuned to my body language, posture, tone of voice and that sort of thing but I don’t see him as the ‘big brother’ spy cam sort. Frankly I don’t think he needs to be with his skill set. I do know that he frequently uses Ericsonian language patterns and light trance work with me so I may have just gone deeper into trance. I left him a message letting him know I was having a hard time and I thought it might be related to that time in our session. We will see if he responds or if there is space to bring it up Monday. He is very directive with me so it may or may not make it onto the agenda depending on how concerned he is by it.

I wouldn’t sweat it. It happened, so what? If it happens again, so what? This is just you being yourself. If you go in there trying to regulate and control your behavior in trying to hide something that you feel is embarrassing...then you are taking away and screwing yourself from therapy.

A time or two I would just freeze in space and daze out because what I was saying wasn’t sounding like me and I’d get confused and freeze- then I’d just laugh it off and maybe make a comment like “wow, what was that?”....”how long did that take?”....: it’s a symptom and don’t be hiding symptoms.

If things like that didn’t happen, you wouldn’t then be in therapy. I would just say “hey, that time I blanked out in front of you the last time is bothering me...” and go from there. It’s unhealthy to worry, stress, fret, melt down over something that happened. You just might be making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Good luck.

I hope your T will reply soon, Omers. I think it's important to discuss this with him if it's bothering you. So good on you for doing that! Be proud of yourself. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Thanks MickeyCheeky,
I doubt he will get back to me before Monday. If I call him and leave a message he always gets right back to me but I dislike phones and could not stand the idea of hearing his voice without seeing him. I emailed him letting him know what was going on. He doesn’t usually respond to email unless it is something he deems super important or I tell him I need a reply. I know it is not my job to take care of him but two weeks ago he did a really intense training then flew home late the evening before an over booked week of clients he missed the week before. His weekend is much needed and well deserved. I am uncomfortable but OK. If it were to get any worse I know I can call... or maybe even convince my husband to call and then hand me the phone when it beeps for voicemail.

I understand what you mean, Omers. Stay safe and take care of yourself. I hope you'll feel better soon. Sending many hugs to you

I’m sending hugs and support

Met with T yesterday. We briefly discussed last week but his priority was very much on how to help me manage the feelings rather than look at possible causes. We talked a little about all the different feelings that could be coming up and things that could come up just because I have someone I feel safe with. Then we started EMDR for the first time. I think he is feeling a little rushed to get my internal support system strengthened because I have such a rough history, things are not going so well at home and I have no external support. So if it was a part I don’t think he is too worried about it he is more worried about building me up. Which makes sense to me parts or not.

Remember that you can talk to your T about this if there's something in particular you'd like to talk about, Omers! I believe it is your right to do that. You are the client, after all. You're the one who's paying him. So if there's a topic you'd like to focus on, try to talk to him about this. I hope you'll feel better soon. He sounds like a good therapist. I hope you're liking him. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

lMickeyCheeky, I have to laugh. Typically after my sessions with T I email him and let him know what stood out to me, what I was feeling, needs that were met or went unmet... I sent him one this morning from yesterday and read his reply just before coming over here to PC. To quote T “One day you will be confident enough to say these things up in session. When you do I will affirm you then as I continue to affirm you now in writing”. Then I came here and read your reply.
Yes, I have an amaizing T and have told him many times what a privilege it is to be able to work with him. I have worked with so many bad T’s (good people who cared but just not good at their job) and I see SO many people on here with T’s that are trying their best but just don’t have “it”. He is very, very good and very special. I could not have asked for a better T if I got to put them together myself.
I am feeling much better. I have been fired by two T’s with REALLY bad timing and had three give up on me (and tell me as much). Knowing that his concern is strengthening me emotionally right now let’s me know that he is not worried if I am DID or not. If I am it is just part of the package of “me” and we will do the same work and discuss parts when or if needed.

I'm so happy for you, Omers! It must feel so good when you're able to find a therapist you like. Good for you! I hope he/she will be able to help you. Remember to share everything you need to share, or feel like sharing. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you