Desperate and scared

I haven't posted for a long long time so here I go possible triggers in what I posted plus I'm using talk type which isn't very good. Around about 10 years ago I had a breakdown I became suicidal with weekly attempts gradually lessening over the year then I had an episode whilst in hospital after self-harming very minor just a few layers of skin deep cut.

The science tap the green to go into hospital because I thought this can't be right I need help I need to find out why I'm doing this that's when things got crazy I had a massive self-harm I realise now I don't know if you remember doing the self-harm what I did was insert the underwire of my bra into my abdomen all the way major surgery obviously then for the next 4 years 5 years

I would get depressed self-harm same thing again abdomen get depressed again self-harm this will continue until I finally had two out of county admissions to private hospitals due to bed shortages in my county. I received daily sometimes twice daily CBT they help me get control of the depression and anxiety and also the suicidal. I had a couple of relapses in 2 years far less than before then my dad was a suicide my sister's didn't allow me to grieve join the funeral because they're sister's will be having diazepam all day without fail shortly.

Ater I got back from the funeral I had a massive disassociation although I did realise it was that and I self harmed but I don't remember self-harming what I remember is sucking a feeling awake sitting on my bed with massive pain in my abdomen having to call ambulance and everything else that associated with hospital this happened twice more.

I started getting really depressed and suicidal it came out of blue the episodes and beforehand I was pretty normal mood wise I have plans for the future big slightly complicated by changing educational requirements for college but still got plans for the future. Finances we're good no problem stressing out on that life was pretty good except for this disassociation and then the self-harm join it these were happening in every couple of months to 6 months for the last 4 years.

The worst one was back in November where I was to 1 cm away from dying from the injuries not something you want to hear afterwards. I'm pretty scared I don't know when these episodes are gonna come. Last one was about 4 weeks ago thankfully no surgery that time but still I have no mental health support they insist I have borderline personality disorder but I don't have almost any of the traits other than generic self-harm depression suicidal thoughts.

Mental health team don't have taken any consideration the trauma I suffered between the age of 5 and 10 which I have no memories of doing that. And the abusive relationship I had for 10 years of an ex husband who was physically emotionally financially and sexually abusive.

I've never used drugs I've never drank alcohol more except birthdays and Christmas and I don't have one or two glasses not enough to get drunk. My mood is becoming bad again because of the anxiety of not knowing when my dissociation happen I cannot pin down what triggers it.

I am an intelligent woman who knows how to research and understand psychology in terms of myself both my parents have mental health problems so I understood about finding resources on the internet. That is why I have self diagnosed, or try to, what it has been or having complex post-traumatic stress disorder and disassociation.

I don't know I am alone in arguing my case with mental health team cannot afford private. Cannot get insurance to look at private and my situation is indeed spiralling out of control.

I don't know where to look what to do what to say. I hope I get better help. After the help of the general medical services at the hospital. then mental health services last time refused to admit me to hospital, even though I was contemplating suicide, and sent me home.

I did make an attempt to take my life, but thankfully not enough to do any permanent damage but it was a couple of days before I told anyone. That's what it's like where I live. There is no support even to the general mental health problems. There is not enough beds so people get sent out of county.

If there were no youth beds or children's beds, they have to go out of county with no provision for families to be near them and no community support.

Not only that but more cuts being made. If you or someone like me who doesn't fit into a neat little box applies, you don't get any help.

I need help I got a horrible feeling going to disassociate soon. The stress of worrying about me not having support and the fact I have a hernia that needs repair, but they can't operate until they you're sure I have spent health support which I won't get.

Stress stress stress that seems to be the path and yet in my everyday life my stress levels outside of my mental health and physical health on minimum. I need psychotherapy, inpatient psychotherapy and someone to look at my case

Hello khushalib: Thank you for sharing your struggle with us here on PC. At the beginning of your post you mentioned having not posted for a long, long time. However, this appears to be your first post here on PC. So perhaps where you posted previously was on another website? Anyway... welcome to Psych Central. We're glad you're here.

One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the self-injury forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/self-injury/

Please note the "Sticky" toward the top of the page: "Things to do instead of hurting yourself".

You might also want to check out the hospitalization & in-patient treatment forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/hosp...ent-treatment/

And then here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of dissociation:

In-Depth: Understanding Dissociative Disorders

The Psyche's Way Out of Pain: Dissociation

5 Dissociative Symptoms: Coping With Trauma | Caregivers, Family & Friends

https://psychcentral.com/resources/D...upport_Groups/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I’m sending hugs

(I also live that same side of the “pond” and have not found adequate help... easy to access. )

I don’t really fit into a neat little “box” either = no “help” ... it’s scary bad

I am also an intelligent woman and able to research...


I hope you find pc helpful

Hello and welcome to you. Those episodes of self harm sound intense and scary. I am not certain from your post... do you mean to say you are not aware of them at the time and "come to" later to find yourself with the injuries? Some of them very serious by the sound of it. I have experienced coming to with minor self harm injuries, but nothing so serious as what you describe. It must be terrifying, especially as you are not able to find any adequate support or help for yourself.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find some help here.