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Old 04-25-2019, 11:26 AM #1
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Default I am having a hard time.

There is a little perfectionist in me that wants to "ace" recovery and "get it over with" and yet I know that is not possible or how it works. In fact, this is all quite new to me...and scary sometimes, as some pieces of my life puzzle start to make sense. I wonder, am I going crazier? Or, are the mysteries (notes, drawings, abilities) starting to emerge.

I'm afraid no one is going to really know how to help me. I'm afraid of opening Pandora's box. I'm afraid of my desire to rip the bandaid off, get this integration party started and voila...live life. It is silly. I know. As it is like unraveling a ball of different colored threads...in their own time. Not my clipboard schedule.

I am seeing my (soon to be old) T today in a couple of hours and I am bringing a pencil drawing I did 8 years ago. It is of a little me. I keep it on my display shelf in a frame, but hardly "see" it...and certainly have always felt "Well I didn't draw THAT." So I was embarrassed for anyone to see artwork because they would tell me to paint them something, and I felt I had absolutely no idea how.

It's still very difficult for me to grasp that perhaps there is an artist inside...she is just not accessible all the time.

Really just venting. Expressing my Fear. Reminding myself to Fear Less.

Thank you for being willing to discuss.
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Old 04-25-2019, 09:21 PM #2
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Default Re: I am having a hard time.

Hi there FL47.

I get what you're saying.I understand all your fears and the untangling of all the messiness inside.It's pretty daunting,isn't it?I had an artist inside too and was pretty amazed of some of the drawing that I took to therapy with me.The good thing though is all of those talents I had before are still with me after integration.I'm an aritst,a writer,a musician,and many other things that before only happened at specific times by specific alters.

How did therapy go?Did you take in the drawing?
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Old 04-25-2019, 11:22 PM #3
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Default Re: I am having a hard time.

I hope your therapy session was helpful, FearLess.
Isn't it so weird how dissociation works? We too have an alter who is artistic and musical, and we also feel like we simply cannot do the artworks that "she" has done. She has given a lot of artworks and creations as gifts to others over the years and I can't tell you how many times we have admired some possession of somebodys only for them to say some version of "Whatever do you mean - YOU made that, don't you remember??!" We know the cause of this (dissociation and amnesia between alters) but we still find it completely baffling. We marvel at the workings of the mind that allow us to have absolutely no memory of the making of the thing or even seeing it before, and yet we don't believe the people that have said this to us are lying. It's just baffling. Not in a bad way - we just find it utterly and completely fascinating.

@Betty_Banana, you give us hope that one day we might actually be able to discover and utilize the one artistic bone in the body!

There's a lot more than could be discussed about your post here, Fearless. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I will return later.
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Old 04-25-2019, 11:48 PM #4
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Default Re: I am having a hard time.

Waaaaahh I had a whole response written out and it disappeared, Will elaborate tomorrow....Thanks for the encouragement. Got to get up early for yet another procedure at the hospitals .
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Old 04-26-2019, 12:18 AM #5
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Default Re: I am having a hard time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
Waaaaahh I had a whole response written out and it disappeared, Will elaborate tomorrow....Thanks for the encouragement. Got to get up early for yet another procedure at the hospitals .
Oh no! So sorry.
I hope your procedure goes as well as it can!
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Old 04-26-2019, 08:03 AM #6
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Default Re: I am having a hard time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
Oh no! So sorry.
I hope your procedure goes as well as it can!
Thank you! I am going into the surgical center for a minor procedure (nerve blocks in my spine) but they are putting me under. Although I am so tired of surgeries and hospitals, I am going to do my best to go in with an open mind this morning. Reminding myself, "I am going here on purpose." "This may provide pain relief." Etc. Instead of immediately dissociating from the experience. I shall try...

Yesterday my former therapist and I said goodbye. She is leaving the practice where I've been going for 4 years. We had a good session and I was already kind of aware that she might be leaving. So it wasn't devastating, but weird. I will be working with the new trauma therapist who I met this week. It is a long drive. But she has worked with DID clients and I hope can actually help me wade through this mysterious river of me.

(I am looking forward to the idea that perhaps I will actually know how to draw and paint and listen to music and teach again...and still keep my darkish sense of humor and clipboard. Ha. What a concept.)



Happy Friday all...

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