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Angie84
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Scotland
Posts: 43
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#1
I hurt myself late Tuesday night. I drove to the local hospital and was then sent to the main hospital by ambulance. I received treatment and had to stay there until I was reviewed by psych. So after 24 hours waiting (giving me time to hurt myself again), I saw someone from the psych liaison team who said she'll discuss what's happened and how I'm feeling with my own psychiatrist. I never lie when I talk to the specialists as I think it's unfair to them as it just wastes their time. Anyway, 5 hours later the liaison psych person came back and said I was okay to be discharged home and that my psychiatrist will see me next week. During our chat earlier that day she asked if I'd be safe at home (as I'd be alone) and I told her I wouldn't buy that I don't want to be safe either. She asked if I would go into hospital if my psychiatrist suggested it and I told her I didn't want to be admitted and I'd still find a way to harm myself whilst there anyway. So after my second talk with psych I mentally couldn't cope with the thought of travelling home, so I went into the toilet on the ward and hurt myself again, determined to just bleed out there. But the nurse unlocked the toilet door from the outside and caught me. So I discharged myself from the ward as I told them there is no point caring for the wound and I'm now on my way home. I'm just too exhausted to carry on. Sorry for the saga, I just need to vent to people I don't know.
Last edited by TheWell; Apr 26, 2019 at 08:25 AM.. Reason: Remove mentions of harm |
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SlumberKitty
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#2
I wish I had more to offer you than hugs...but hugs is what I have.
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Angie84
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Rive1976
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#3
Stuff like this makes me so angry. I dont understand why nobody wants help anybody. They should of kept and searched you. Thats what they do where I live. Please be safe and go back or somewhere else if you need to. I think you should go to the doctor or back to the hospital and restitch your wrist before it gets infected. I know things are tough. I dont want you to hurt yourself again or worse. Do you have a friend or family you can stay with so at least you are not alone?
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Angie84
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#4
I’m very sorry this happened
It seems there isn’t much love or even compassion in those places I was under the impression their job is to help people I live in the same forest __________________ |
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Angie84
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Scotland
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#5
I could stay with in in-laws but I don't want to be safe, I want to be in a position where I can harm myself if I want to. There is no point getting it stitched again as it was scar tissue that I cut so the stitches weren't holding anyway. I have paper stitches that I can put on if I want to.
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#6
If you dont want to be safe, I suppose no one can stop you. But i am sorry youre feeling so bad.
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#7
I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling so much.I am wondering if it's ok if I ask a few questions.
How the heck did you drive yourself to the hospital after hurting yourself? Why did you go to the hospital in the first place if you don't want to be safe or admitted? I'm really not trying to sound uncaring or heartless,just trying to understand.The title of this thread is "sent home to kill myself",like you are upset about it yet you don't want anyone to help you or do anything for you.You weren't "sent" home,you discharged yourself.Were you hoping they would admit you against your will?What exactly were you wanting? hugs Last edited by TheWell; Apr 26, 2019 at 08:29 AM.. Reason: Removed mention of method |
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Amyjay
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#8
Angie, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I can sense the ambivalence in your post... you don't want help, and yet you are silently screaming out for it .The sense I get is that you really wish want need someone to just care enough to stop you. But at the same time you need to reject all help... and there could be so many reasons for that - you don't feel worthy of receiving it, you don't feel worthy of asking for it, you are driven by so many different conflicts about wanting to hurt and or punish self/wanting to stop the pain/wanting someone to take it all away/ wanting needing someone to just care/wanting peace/needing to harm. It sounds like a truly terrifying place to be. I am sorry you are hurting so intensely.
How are you doing now? Has the swirling mass of emotion calmed down any since you posted? Have you managed to find any calm for yourself at all? |
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#9
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Anonymous46969
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#10
Please post and let us know how you are doing. We care. What you said reminds me of where I was. I didn't understand what was going on. Luckily, my T did. I needed someone, anyone, even a complete stranger, or a professional just doing their job, to care what happened to me. To know how awful & scared I felt. I didn't understand what was going on. Need somebody to even pretend they did. Hospitals & mental health pros are suppose to be those kinds of places.. Suppose to be. Please post again soon. Many of us have been in your muddy waters before.
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TishaBuv
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#11
Sadly, that is the way they treat you in the hospital.
Hang in there and keep posting. There are many caring people here! __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Angie84
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Scotland
Posts: 43
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#12
Quote:
Last edited by TheWell; Apr 26, 2019 at 08:28 AM.. Reason: removed mention of method |
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Anonymous55879, Betty_Banana, Calla lily12, unaluna
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Member
Angie84
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Scotland
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#13
Thanks everyone for your replies, especially the ones that seem to get it. I think it really must come down to wanting someone to care. The specialists involved in my care do tell me that they care what happens to me, but my difficulty is believing it, after all it is only words, I am unable to believe or feel what they say as being true. I can't say I'm feeling much better today, and I still don't know what will happen, all I feel just now is that I want to run away but I know that won't help as it's some of the people in my head that I want to run from.
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FearLess47
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#14
Echoing cavaliers...let us know how you are doing now...are you safe(r)? You are not alone.
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FearLess47
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#15
Quote:
DID is a condition of extreme hiddenness. Until it is not, and we are no longer able to hide it. Perhaps you can ask Viktor if there is any way he can give you a little space. Or even ask him what he needs. Is there a compromise that does not lead to SH? That he is important and a part of you, but that you got this for now and could really use some compassionate support, elbow room to breathe and a chance at life. FearLess47 |
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Angie84
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Scotland
Posts: 43
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#16
Quote:
Thanks for your reply. My psychologist says exactly what you have said regarding Viktor. Logically I know it makes sense but every time she mentions it I get freaked out and feel worried and kind of scared. There's also a fear that he might leave me. |
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FearLess47
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FearLess47
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#17
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FearLess47 |
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Member
Angie84
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Scotland
Posts: 43
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#18
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FearLess47
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#19
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I was somewhat shocked to learn recently that I have become my own bully. And my own mommy dearest. My T asked me what their "purpose" was and I am very annoyed by that question still, as I don't quite understand it yet or see how there is ANY positive purpose. And I say something like, "they're purpose is to destroy me" or to "take me down, keep me struggling." A giant battle within my own self. I have not yet come to an understanding of how these roles have helped me survive. At this point, I am still in a place where I want them annihilated. I see no loving "purpose." But I know that this may change over time...as I begin to understand the bigger picture. I may be totally wrong, but it seems that something in you wants you to heal, and live and survive. Hang on to that. FearLess47 |
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Calla lily12
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#20
Hi Angie . I can see your ambivalence and understand it. Is there a way to get Vicktor to be more of a protector than a punisher? He sounds very strong and if he was willing, could be a huge help to you rather than a threat. Are there any inside with whom Vicktor communicates with?
I totally get the way you're feeling...wanting to die,.....not wanting to die....questioning living and the effect Vicktor has on all of that. Please let us know how you're doing. Sometimes someone showing they care is enough to stall the suicidal actions. I wish you had experienced that compassion at the hospital. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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FearLess47
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