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toomanycats
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Default May 08, 2019 at 08:22 AM
  #1
This is primarily a question for those who consider themselves integrated -- could you possibly explain the difference between integration and co-consciousness?

My system is extremely covert (I guess that's the term) in that it is designed to appear invisible -- even to me. I very rarely completely lose time, and all of my Parts respond to the same legal name & will tell you they are "my" age if addressed by the outside world. We all use "I" and "me" in dialogue -- I only use "we" online and am really just starting to use it in therapy, but with great trepidation. Speaking about "my system" at all is really difficult -- as I said, there are Parts that do not want me to know about it DEFINITELY do not want me talking about it...and denial of it all is a HUGE part of it for me...

What exactly even is integration? Do you stop having a billion arguments and conversations internally (and, ok, sometimes out loud)? Could I possibly actually already be considered integrated given that I'm basically always co-conscious?

This is definitely that "am I just making this up" part coming back up again...
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Default May 08, 2019 at 09:17 AM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanycats View Post
This is primarily a question for those who consider themselves integrated -- could you possibly explain the difference between integration and co-consciousness?

My system is extremely covert (I guess that's the term) in that it is designed to appear invisible -- even to me. I very rarely completely lose time, and all of my Parts respond to the same legal name & will tell you they are "my" age if addressed by the outside world. We all use "I" and "me" in dialogue -- I only use "we" online and am really just starting to use it in therapy, but with great trepidation. Speaking about "my system" at all is really difficult -- as I said, there are Parts that do not want me to know about it DEFINITELY do not want me talking about it...and denial of it all is a HUGE part of it for me...

What exactly even is integration? Do you stop having a billion arguments and conversations internally (and, ok, sometimes out loud)? Could I possibly actually already be considered integrated given that I'm basically always co-conscious?

This is definitely that "am I just making this up" part coming back up again...
toomanycats,
Thank you for posting this question. I have been wondering this exact same thing and will be interested to hear other's feedback. From what I understand, there is a large continuum of how this presents for each individual. I have only just recently started saying some of these words out loud and it is a very weird feeling. In fact, my T asked me to reframe that yesterday and instead of "weird" to think of it as "clever."


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Default May 08, 2019 at 10:29 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by toomanycats View Post
This is primarily a question for those who consider themselves integrated -- could you possibly explain the difference between integration and co-consciousness?

My system is extremely covert (I guess that's the term) in that it is designed to appear invisible -- even to me. I very rarely completely lose time, and all of my Parts respond to the same legal name & will tell you they are "my" age if addressed by the outside world. We all use "I" and "me" in dialogue -- I only use "we" online and am really just starting to use it in therapy, but with great trepidation. Speaking about "my system" at all is really difficult -- as I said, there are Parts that do not want me to know about it DEFINITELY do not want me talking about it...and denial of it all is a HUGE part of it for me...

What exactly even is integration? Do you stop having a billion arguments and conversations internally (and, ok, sometimes out loud)? Could I possibly actually already be considered integrated given that I'm basically always co-conscious?

This is definitely that "am I just making this up" part coming back up again...
first main question....

Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanycats View Post
This is primarily a question for those who consider themselves integrated -- could you possibly explain the difference between integration and co-consciousness?
the simple explanation is that related to DID integration is the normal brain process of taking whats stored in the unconscious "storage tanks" called alternate personalities and combining it with the conscious "storage tanks" (your normal way of being) theres a lot of physical and mental stuff involved with this that you can read in my integration thread here ...

Integration

being co conscious is when people with DID are aware that their unconscious "storage tanks" (alternate personalities) exist, times when they are aware that they are functioning on / as these alternate personalities. Sharing some of what is going on when their alters are in control, hearing their alters...

your post kind of confuses me because according to your post you have DID and you dont have DID. you have co consciousness and you dont have co consciousness, you have integration but you dont have integration

let me show you what I mean...

you say your parts are invisible to you (no co consciousness) but yet you posted things you know about your alters. (consciousness)

DID is a dissociative disorder where there is memory loss (time loss) but you say you dont have memory loss/ time loss and you know what is going on with your parts.

question....Are you by any chance doing IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy with your therapist....... this is a therapy approach that is for everyone whether they have a mental disorder or not, some people with dID can use this approach others cant because the type of parts are different, and its on the idea that everyone has parts that are kinds of separate but yet not. the parts associated with this kind of therapy are a bit different than those with DID type parts. in this therapy approach a person doesnt lose time, is aware that they have different parts of their self, basically everything that you posted about.

if you are your post would make more sense to me because in this therapy approach yes a person can be both co conscious of their parts and not lose time and integrating at the same time.

my suggestion is talk with your therapist, they will explain to you whats going on in your body based on what and how your system is set up, your diagnosis and treatment plans. they will be able to explain to you whether what you are going through is co consciousness or integration or both.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 07:37 PM
  #4
No. I have a DID diagnosis. I even got a second opinion from an expert in the field, and he confirmed the diagnosis.

My system is designed to appear invisible -- even to me. What I mean by this is that my Parts will always respond to my legal name, provide my legal age when asked, etc., and also that one of them seems specifically driven to keep me in doubt of their existence. The psychiatrist who I recently saw (who confirmed my diagnosis -- the original diagnosis being made 10 years ago...I've spent a good decade trying to ignore it/run from it/deny it/whatever) explained that "denial of my own experience" is a big part of DID. Which, I guess, makes sense...given that the dissociation is in and of itself a method of avoiding one's own experience for survival.

I am almost always co-conscious. I do have some complete amnesia for my childhood -- entire important people just deleted out of existence. It is very rare, now, for me to experience such total amnesia. Instead, what more often happens is that "I" am shoved to the back and end up powerless while another Part (or alt...sorry, I struggle with the terms, because it becomes "TOO REAL"... it's hard to explain. It's all a part of the seeming NEED to deny my own experience)....anyways, I end up shoved to the back while someone else takes over. I am still there. I don't black out. Sometimes, I can literally feel their emotions. Sometimes, I can't and it's like I feel nothing while they are expressing INTENSE feelings out loud (they might be yelling at someone in intense anger while I feel nothing; they might be sobbing in pain while I feel nothing emotionally). Often, they express beliefs or thoughts that I don't agree with at all. My own memories of things they say, etc. are foggy -- as if I am remembering something that happened a long time ago or to someone else even though it just happened and I WAS there. But I don't black out. TOTAL amnesia is very rare for me -- like so rare that I can pretty well explain it away most of the time.

The psychiatrist says that MOST people with DID present with "micro-amnesias," which he describes as not being able to recall what was just being said in a conversation or being able to recall things, but they are foggy/as if it happened to someone else. This is the story of my life.

BUT...like I said...I am almost always co-conscious. I hear the others in my head. And, they often seem to hear what's going on out here.

I'm curious as to how this compares to integration. Do you stop having separate voices in your head? Do you stop having conversations in your head? Or, do you just start thinking of all of the separate voices as being your own thoughts?
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Default May 09, 2019 at 08:35 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by toomanycats View Post
No. I have a DID diagnosis. I even got a second opinion from an expert in the field, and he confirmed the diagnosis.

My system is designed to appear invisible -- even to me. What I mean by this is that my Parts will always respond to my legal name, provide my legal age when asked, etc., and also that one of them seems specifically driven to keep me in doubt of their existence. The psychiatrist who I recently saw (who confirmed my diagnosis -- the original diagnosis being made 10 years ago...I've spent a good decade trying to ignore it/run from it/deny it/whatever) explained that "denial of my own experience" is a big part of DID. Which, I guess, makes sense...given that the dissociation is in and of itself a method of avoiding one's own experience for survival.

I am almost always co-conscious. I do have some complete amnesia for my childhood -- entire important people just deleted out of existence. It is very rare, now, for me to experience such total amnesia. Instead, what more often happens is that "I" am shoved to the back and end up powerless while another Part (or alt...sorry, I struggle with the terms, because it becomes "TOO REAL"... it's hard to explain. It's all a part of the seeming NEED to deny my own experience)....anyways, I end up shoved to the back while someone else takes over. I am still there. I don't black out. Sometimes, I can literally feel their emotions. Sometimes, I can't and it's like I feel nothing while they are expressing INTENSE feelings out loud (they might be yelling at someone in intense anger while I feel nothing; they might be sobbing in pain while I feel nothing emotionally). Often, they express beliefs or thoughts that I don't agree with at all. My own memories of things they say, etc. are foggy -- as if I am remembering something that happened a long time ago or to someone else even though it just happened and I WAS there. But I don't black out. TOTAL amnesia is very rare for me -- like so rare that I can pretty well explain it away most of the time.

The psychiatrist says that MOST people with DID present with "micro-amnesias," which he describes as not being able to recall what was just being said in a conversation or being able to recall things, but they are foggy/as if it happened to someone else. This is the story of my life.

BUT...like I said...I am almost always co-conscious. I hear the others in my head. And, they often seem to hear what's going on out here.

I'm curious as to how this compares to integration. Do you stop having separate voices in your head? Do you stop having conversations in your head? Or, do you just start thinking of all of the separate voices as being your own thoughts?
thank you so much for clarifying your post for me. it makes sense to me now

your questions..short answer is yes I stopped hearing separate dissociative voices of my alters. but I still have those normal everyone has them voices like taking to myself, thinking and having thoughts and arguements with myself.

let me show you what I mean..

take two glasses of water one cold and one hot. they are completely separate but when you combine them (integrate them) they become one and the same.

now when looking at the water after they have been poured together you see and taste no difference everything that was the cold water is still there and everything that was the hot water is still there. the two just combined.

thats what happens with integration of alters. everything that they were mixes in with a persons normal way of being.

the conscious personality that is me when I am awake and fully aware
the unconscious (in other words dissociated) personalities that are functioning when I was having my dissociation symptoms

they both combined into one conscious personality. there is no need to hear separate voices nor is there any need for switching into alters because all I need to do now is think about things like normal people

example when rainy was not integrated with me and a storm happened. I would have my dissociation symptoms of feeling numb spaced out disconnected then rainy would be in control, change out of the wet clothing, and get something warm to eat and do something comforting. sometimes I would hear her talking but very rarely.

with what was rainy integrated back with my normal personality I have the ability to breath and relax when a storm would happen, change out of my wet clothing, get something to eat and do something that would comfort me. I would not hear rainy talking because shes not seperate from me any more.we are one whole personality now.

the way my own treatment provider explained it to me is that how and what rainy used to talk is now part of how and what I talk about. there is no difference anymore because we are one now. then she had me do an experiment. tape record my voice. and listen. I can pick out certain words, phrases and tones that used to be rainy that is now added back in with how and who I am again

thanks to integration my voice is no longer lacking emotions and such and isnt limited according to what was dissociated and what wasnt.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 01:15 PM
  #6
Thank you - I do have another question...
Does integration come with a recollection of all of your "big" memories? Or, are some things just lost forever? For example, there are significant people from my past who I do not recall at all & only know they exist because family told me about them years later ...nor am I aware of any Part/alt that recalls them, though the prevailing theory is that someone, somewhere deep in there likely does, but I have zero access to that Part. Does integration come with remembering such significant things/people, or might one achieve integration and still have amnesia?
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Default May 26, 2019 at 01:43 PM
  #7
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Thank you - I do have another question...
Does integration come with a recollection of all of your "big" memories? Or, are some things just lost forever? For example, there are significant people from my past who I do not recall at all & only know they exist because family told me about them years later ...nor am I aware of any Part/alt that recalls them, though the prevailing theory is that someone, somewhere deep in there likely does, but I have zero access to that Part. Does integration come with remembering such significant things/people, or might one achieve integration and still have amnesia?
memories are individualized by that I mean if you and I did the same event what you remember of that event may turn out to be different than my memory of the event... why because I am not you and you are not me. you and your brain will remember things as how ever you and your brain remembers things and mine will remember what and how it remembers.

let me show you an example...

if you had a room full of people an apple and tell them to eat it. then ask everyone in the room what they remember about the apple...

one may say how it felt in their hands, another may say they remember the smell, another may say they remember the crunch, and others may say the taste.

each one of these people remember what is important to them at the time they ate the apple and how it applies to their individual body and life.

my point is I cant tell you whether you will remember and how inside you. I can tell you that I now have what memories that were dissociatively stored in each of my alters according to how my brain remembers people/ places/ things.

and what I cant remember I dont dwell on that, why because it is normal for humans to not remember every last detail and person/ place and thing in their lives. Ask any non mentally physically challenged person if they remember every single detail of their lives including all the people they have encountered in their lives and the answer will be of course not.

most poeple only remember a portion of their relatives from their past and childhood. thats why there is things like photos, documents like family trees in bibles and other books, family tree documents on their walls, in museums and so forth. its a way to remember family members and connections to them.

my suggestion maybe you can talk with various family members who can share with you photos and interesting family stories so that you can make photo albums and family tree's. maybe you can contact your family church, many churches have murals and family tree documentations as part of their members that have attended those churches.

you can also do internet searches on your ancestry.

my point theres many ways that you can find connections to those family and friends from the past, whether or not you end up gaining back the memories about them.

and remember its completely normal not to remember everything so its normal to have memory gaps. what makes it a dissociative memory problem is that it goes beyond the normal forgetfulness...
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Default May 26, 2019 at 07:06 PM
  #8
It's not family.
It's my mom's ex boyfriends.

Ty.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 07:11 PM
  #9
Also, to the best of my knowledge, none of my Parts have memories to which I don't have access at this point (although, I guess I wouldn't know what I don't know, but I am co-conscious basically all of the time...perhaps I am already what you would consider "integrated" then). I have recovered memories a couple of times in the past.
It sounds like the way my dissociative disorder manifests is pretty different from yours. And/or I'm already integrated to some extent. Except I would still say that they are quite separate and distinct and are not me.
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