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Angie84
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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:09 AM
  #1
I have already posted this on the complex PTSD forum but it seems much quieter there and have not yet had a response. I thought I'd try here as since I developed dissociation due to complex PTSD, I thought others may have had similar experiences. I have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD, however this is not a well known condition in the health board I'm in, intact it's not even in the book that psychiatrists and psychologists use for diagnosis. My psychologist and psychiatrist have been working with me for just over a year and we have been working on 'phase 1' of the recovery process of being stable and be in a place of safety both mentally and physically. Despite the efforts made, I continue to have suicidal thought and have had several close calls. Now they have given up on phase 1 so we're moving onto 'phase 2' looking at the traumatic events and trying to reprocess them. I am currently an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital, but it's only for 1 week for respite. I had my first trauma session yesterday, and all we did was a timeline of my life to see how far back it went and where it peaked and dipped etc. This has affected me more than I thought it would and I'm really struggling, despite talking to the staff on the ward. I even cut myself tonight, they gave me my car keys and knew how I was feeling, but I still got them so hospital isn't a safe place, and my home situation is complicated with constant triggers so I'm not safe there either.
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FearLess47
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Default May 12, 2019 at 01:30 PM
  #2
Hi Angie,
I wish I had some advice. This is a tough situation you are in...I just wanted to send you positive thoughts. If trauma work is done too quickly, it can definitely kick up some stuff. Keep fighting for yourself.
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Default May 12, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #3
Yikes, sorry they are doing this, Angie. I hope they proceed very, very carefully if they intend to wade into trauma territory without any safety nets in place. It seems highly counterintuitive to do that when you are not stable (and goes against established treatment guidelines).
I guess the only advice I would give would be to take control of your own therapy if trauma treatment is too overwhelming for your system, and tell them you do not want to do any more stage 2 work.

It really is super, super important to get a good hold on grounding skills, staying in the present and to establish safety in your life before diving into the muck. Anything else is foolhardy. In my own treatment I am still working on stage 1 skills, two years in. Although we are making progress it is painfully slow. Whenever I ask my T about beginning trauma processing she kind of laughs and says "Oh no, you're really wanting to jump right ahead, aren't you?" Looks like I'm stuck in stage one for a bit longer.

For you, if you are inpatient and trauma work is destabilizing you to the point of self harm I would say that is a clear sign you are not ready for trauma work. I would tell them.
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Default May 13, 2019 at 01:02 PM
  #4
Thanks for your replies. I really struggled all weekend, self harmed again yesterday whilst on the ward and got discharged today. I didn't really care about being discharged, but one of the nurses on the ward advised me to contact my T as I was still struggling with flashbacks. So as soon as I left the ward, I called the psychologist's secretary and it seemed to really upset me, I guess it brought back the appointment as well as the flashbacks. Anyway, I broke down in tears (I haven't cried for many years even when I felt I needed to). I called the ward as I didn't want to walk through the hospital looking like I'd been sobbing, so just wanted to give my face a wash and look a bit more presentable. However, I was told that I was discharged so couldn't go back, not even to compose myself. My child part was most definitely present at this time, and really felt neglected and alone so I ended up having to walk through the hospital in floods of tears. It was awful. I never want to go back there!
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Default May 13, 2019 at 04:40 PM
  #5
That sounds very stressful and overwhelming, Angie84. Were you able to get through to your T?

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Default May 13, 2019 at 08:20 PM
  #6
Ye, she phoned me back late this afternoon. I appreciated her calling me, but by that time, my vulnerable child had gone again and I went back to just shutting everything out.

I feel like I can't go back to therapy, or to the hospital in general. The vulnerable child that was so upset and distressed and was just turned away humiliated, which brought up so much from my past that I don't think I could face going through that again.
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