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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#1
****trigger warning (mention of sexual impulses)****
I have talked about this before. I wont go into details but I have bad sexual impulses. They can be towards anyone. Sometimes when they are really bad and I am fighting not to act I will get in a literal psychical fight with my body. I want to act and I dont want to a my body fights against these two wills. It kind of looks like I am having a fit. It happened the end of last week. The group home administrator lives in the building. She has two dogs and only me and two other people are allowed to visit them. She just doesnt trust people wont hurt them. I love animals. Anybody that knows me will tell you that I am a animal lover and I spent 10 years of my life as vet assistant. I often go into her room and play with the dogs. Sometimes I even snuggle up with them and take a nap. Well this particular day I was watching whatever channel that she had put on and before I knew it the show had mentioned SA and I was triggered and had the impulse to touch the dog. Instead of touching the dog innapropriately I raised my hand above the dog so my hand would be away and then kind of went through some jerking movements in a literal fight with my body not to be bad. This has been going on since I was 7. I just dont know why. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#2
I think that's something you should discuss with the psychologist you're seeing.It's not really something any of us here can help you with or even say that it's a dissociative thing for sure.
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MickeyCheeky
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FearLess47, MickeyCheeky
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Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2009
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#3
Quote:
in me I never had this kind of thing happen with my DID or OSDD or any other dissociative problem. my switching into and out of alters was mental as in mental disorder not physical as in twitches, jerking and odd behaviors. in fact the reason why it took so many years for me to be diagnosed was because my dissociative problems were mental not physical. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Betty_Banana, FearLess47, MickeyCheeky
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Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: Logan
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#4
SAA is a good resource with a specialty focus on the topic. I read also that is quiet common, sexual addiction?
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#5
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#6
I would like to add that not everybodys experience is the same with anything. I can see why my therapist thinks this is a dissociative thing but coconscious. Normally people would have two impulses (speaking as if they are normal) either to touch the dog innapropriately or not to. There wouldnt be any fighting about it. No conflict. Either you would do it because you wanted to ot not do it because you didnt want to. Not conflicting feelings in one body about not wanting and wanting to do something.
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#7
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im not dissociative and I have conflicting feelings all the time.Just last night my son asked my husband and I to do something for him and I was really torn over what to do.It wasn't as simple as either doing it because I wanted to or not doing it because I didn't want to like you're saying.When I thought about doing it I had a different set of feelings than when I thought about not doing it. It was a real struggle to make a decision. And as far as impulses and compulsions,sometimes I get the urge to do things like stick my finger in an electeical outlet.I know it's a strange and dangerous thing but I have to really fight to not do it.I've had this from a young age, it's not a dissociative thing,I don't even have a dissociative disorder anymore and it still happens.What you're describing sounds more like that,a strange compulsion that you have to fight against doing. It has never been an actual physical struggle though, it's always been an internal one.Even when I was dissociative and had alters it was all just an internal thing and not anything that looked like I was having a "fit" or anything.DID is not actual real,physical people inside one body, it's a mental disorder so I don't understand why you have physical fights with yourself like that.Are you sure it's not just that the compulsion is so strong that you are having to stop yourself from doing it? There's been times where I have started to put my hand towards an outlet and have had to yank my hand back and think nope,not doing it. |
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amandalouise, MickeyCheeky
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amandalouise, MickeyCheeky
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Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2009
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#8
Dnestor...
not sure whats going on with you but I can tell you I did some more checking on this idea that one hand / arm doing bad things and the other restraining it. so far what I have discovered is there is no such thing in any mental disorders with this kind of thing happening where someone reaches out to do something bad and then the other side restrains or prevents it from happening by jerking the arm / hand away. there is things like made up stuff like old 1950's where the belief was that schizophrenics had two people in one body one good and the other bad and they would fight for doing good things and bad things. but even that has been proven to be false now in 2019. there are also none of my contacts with treatment providers that know of any physical health problems that cause a person to physically have one hand/ arm getting ready to do something bad and the "good arm hand" stop them or struggle to stop the bad hand from doing bad. I personally think you can relax, that what ever is going on is not dissociative related. Im taking a wild guess that this is just a situation where like normal people you started out to do one thing and then changed your mind and did another. also something to consider. if this was a DID thing you would have been doing this all your life time where every time you did anything with the "bad behavior hand" every time you picked up a glass or plate or your clothing or in school your pencils, paper books, at work out on dates you name it. if this was a DID thing you would have been doing this all your life. you would probably not be having such a struggle getting diagnosis's. you would have a juvenile record and adult record and the courts would have stepped in to find out why you doing such dangerious and harmful things and have had your DID diagnosis for most of your life time DID has been recognized and diagnosed in people way back in the 1920's to present, in the 1980s it was a very popular diagnosis for adults and children who could not control their behaviors, and had trouble controlling their behaviors, you are in your 40's so if this was a DID thing you would have had your diagnosis's longer then what you have posted.) my suggestion is not worry about it, its normal for people to start out doing a bad thing and then change their minds and do good instead. most dont do it so dramatically but its normal thing to happen for some one to reach for something then think better of it. |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
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#9
Quote:
Like Betty_Banana says, normal people experience internal conflicts every day. Part of them wants to do one thing and another part doesn't. It is normal to have different parts of the self, and conflicting feelings about something. The world is never black and white, human experience is never black and white. I have conflicts within my own self - yesterday I did not want to go to work at all but I also didn't want to have to call in sick when I actually wasn't. I really didn't want to go to work, I was struggling badly. But after going back and forth about this conflict I made the decision to go because I did not want to lie to my employer in order to have a sick day. That wasn't with me and another alter, that conflict was entirely mine, within my own self. It wasn't dissociated. "I" was the owner of both sides of the conflict. I didn't want to go to work AND I didn't want to call in sick. I had no choice but to choose which action to take. From what you have written you had the impulse to touch the dog and you also didn't want that to happen. You experienced the conflict of both sides as you fought your own impulse. It must be an uncomfortable impulse to be sure. |
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Betty_Banana
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
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#10
I have had this problem since I was little. I did show strange behavior but my moms fix for strange behavior was get better or your going to the orphanage. So I dont have any charts. Just a couple months span when I was 8. Then I was pulled out of therapy and driven to the local orphanage and said you either get better or get out. My mom still let me live with her butshe yelled at me for my strange behavior. I was made fun of for it and told I was bad.
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amandalouise, Anonymous40127, Betty_Banana
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amandalouise
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#11
I personally think you should be careful about all the info you are getting online from different forums and being so easily influenced Dnester.It's really only adding to your problems and confusion rather than helping.
If we, the members here,are saying conflicting emotions are normal and members on another forum are saying that's just a dissociative thing,how do you know who's right and who's wrong, what's true and what's not? I personally think(I am saying personally because it's just my own opinion and you can take it or leave it) you would do so much better by presenting yourself,your struggles,symptoms and even all your concerns to your treatment providers.It shouldn't matter what you read online, what anyone else experiences or doesn't experience or even what anyone says,none of it's really going to help you.What is going to help you is making the decision to get the help/treatment you need instead of trying so hard to figure everything out yourself. I am saying this because I did notice this same topic elsewhere and you were given different replies/info than you got here.Then you posted something that you read there as if it was for sure right Then went back there and posted what you read here.That can't be helpful for you at all.It has to just make it all even more confusing for you and has to be causing even more problems for you.And that's why I am choosing to not give my input anymore.I don't want to add to this harm that's being done,that you're doing to yourself with all of this I wish you well on your healing journey. Hugs |
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amandalouise, Rive1976
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amandalouise, FearLess47
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#12
I think it does not have to be related with dissociative disorder. What I perceive from your situation is, that it's completely normal to "fight" against your body when you don't want to do something but your MI tries to make you do it against your will.
You got triggered. You already knew touching an animal is inappropriate. Your trigger created a psychological stimulus, which in turn created a desire to touch the dog. You knew that was bad. So, I think that the answer lies in body language. You had an impulse to touch the dog (you lent forward), you knew you should not do this (you lent backward) and so the cycle continued for a while with the addition of other things such as movement of arms, and legs and the rest of your body parts. Should you tell your therapist this? Yes I think so. But should you be worried? Obviously not. Now, I am not a psychologist so I have no idea about the mechanism behind dissociative identity disorder, but I don't think it's the driving force behind your jerkiness. |
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Rive1976
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#13
Quote:
you are relatively new so wanted to point out something... though its a risk everyone takes when posting online some sites do have rules about this kind of thing. which is why I do change my answers to these questions and sometimes what I post will conflict from website to website. I mean if someone is going to do this then obviously they want different style of answers so I just give them answers that they may want to hear but may not actually go with DID. sometimes I will admit to a problem but the reader doesnt know that, that problem of mine is not a dissociative one, that it may be part of any one of my mental disorders. example on one site I did say that my body goes through jerking and such but neglected to inform the members on that site that I have a neuromuscular disease that causes this not a dissociative. my point is dnestor you may want to check out the rules of all the sites that you are a member to make sure that this cross posting of yours and others that you are doing doesnt violate the rules and accidentally get you into trouble, and you might want to rely more on your own treatment providers instead of relying on your researching on the internet. there is no promise that what you are finding on the internet is true, real or you may not know another posters full medical / mental history so you may not realize what they are posting goes with a different disorder or disease then what you think it may go to. I think your confusion and struggles will settle down if you follow what your treatment providers said... not to rely so much on the internet forums all around the net, and follow your treatment plans. only your treatment providers can really help you with all this stuff. all else well because the internet is all around the whole world you are going to find all this conflicting information and theres no promise that the information is real. even the information that I supply is different in some locations and treatment providers. |
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Betty_Banana
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Poohbah
Member Since Dec 2011
Location: Long Island NY
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#14
I must say I am familiar with this behavior. Before I knew I was DID I would have unusual sexual thoughts and impulses. I can remember having an impulsive thought and immediately having a firm argument in my mind. I recall being instructed not to act on the impulse. I remember there was no return argument in support of the impulse. It was just thoughts in my mind giving me all the reasons why it was a bad idea. I left the area to relieve the impulse. I thought I was going insane. These impulses seemed to come out of no where. I have realized over time and after accepting my DID diagnosis that the impulse was a part. That I believe this part had been triggered in that moment. I feel this part was fractured. It did not have depth. The part was the impulse. No thought, no logic, no other reason for being. In that moment I felt aggressive, dominant and wanting to attack. I have had this impulse since I was young but managed to avoid acting on it. I think once I understood that impulse was a part I wasn't fearful of it. I felt like I could acknowledge it and help it to understand that that behavior was not who we wanted to be in the world. We have a firm understanding of who we want to be and how we want to act. That would be for us to be helpful, kind, compassionate and intelligent. We do not want to be anything like the family we were raised in. We do not live a life of violence, aggression, hatred, anger, negativity. We are able to protect our self and stand our ground when needed. That doesn't mean we don't have bad days but on the whole we have a good life.
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Rive1976
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#15
Quote:
Thanks for this. My psychologist tells me to go in and tell my part that those are not acceptable things to do. That we would be in time out for a very long time and to not act on those things. I am still having a hard time with the whole people have normal conflicting feelings and those that might be a part. I to have been instructed to leave when my impulses get overwhelming. There is no agrument in my head either. Its just out of the blue. Im fighting so hard not to act on this impulse that I do want to act on or else I wouldnt have the impulse. My body goes to do the impulse. My body is welling up with anxiety. Like for example last night at the group home someones grandson came in. I watch the front desk. He asked to use the phone I was sitting by. My impulse was to touch my knee to his privates. So I sat there because he didnt know how to use the phone. I moved my knee away from him feeling this horrible anxiety that at at any moment I woukd lose control and actually touch my knee to his privates. All my impulses are like this and when I was a child I did act on my impulses sometimes. It has been like this for me since I was 7. Its all very confusing. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Dec 2011
Location: Long Island NY
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#16
Personally I have never thought about touching a child. I would never do to a child what was done to me. Ask your dr about the possibility of an interject.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,740
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#17
Possible trigger:
Last edited by atisketatasket; May 26, 2019 at 11:11 PM.. Reason: added triggers |
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