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Default May 22, 2019 at 07:53 PM
  #1
Hi PC friends,

I'm trying to comprehend some pretty big topics. I understand that there is a continuum for dissociative disorders and that each of us has a uniquely developed "system." I also understand that I am not going to be able to "figure it all out" overnight...but I think some part of me is soothed by defining terms, so I can be more in the know about what can feel like a giant topic.

What is co-consciousness? Is it possible to have an awareness of some parts but not others?

Is there a difference in the term "parts" or "alters?" Everyone has parts. So at what point does it cross over into alters? What is the difference between feeling "fragmented" or having alters?

Amnesia. So I don't remember a giant chunk of my childhood. And over the years, I have "lost time" and gone into trance/zoning out/dissociation. But I have not had the "suddenly I was in San Francisco" thing or completely not knowing what year it is. I would say it's more like, I know that I graduated from here, and that I did this or that, but I don't associate that as me. Like I did some videos and I almost can't bear to look at them, because it feels like I am watching someone else. I know it is me. But I can't connect with the experience of being in the videos.

I very often have that horrible experience of not knowing how to do something, like understand numbers or balance my checkbook, where I have known how to do that in the past. Or like drawings I have done that I can not actually do other times.

Internal dialogue vs "hearing voices." Not recognizing myself in the mirror, but knowing it is "me." Or seeing a "me" in the mirror that I feel like I haven't seen for a while.

I scored very high on the DES and MID assessments. Yet, I feel this crazy sense of denial. Like "that's not me" but it is.

Did you tell your significant other or family about DID? And are there "degrees" of DID?

If you are willing to share any of your experiences while you were first in the discovery process of your own DID, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have this giant tremendous task in front of me...at times it makes perfect sense. At times I am in complete denial and think I am making things up in my mind. And at times I want or need to know more...so that I can almost stop obsessing about "knowing more."

Hope this made a drop of sense...and again, I know all of our experiences are different. I feel so alone. (And yet not, ha ha.)

Ugh.

FearLess47

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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:09 PM
  #2
Co- consciousness is where a alter is out but you are aware of that and not losing time.

Everybody has parts but alters are parts that have dissociated.

Fragments only hold different pieces of things. They may be limited in what memories they hold or how distinct they are.

Yes, there are degrees. Some people may not do much switching or losing time. Some may have had major surgery and dont even remember.

Hearing voices is like if I heard someone say its dark but it was coming from outside of me like hearing someone speak to me thats not there. With DID they are coming from within you.

I told my mother and my sister. I have not told my dad yet.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 11:18 PM
  #3
Thank you for sharing, Dnester!

I don't think I understand the difference between fragments and alter parts?

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Default May 23, 2019 at 12:52 AM
  #4
My advice is to not get caught up in the latest lingo. The DID language has changed quite a bit since 1990 when I was diagnosed and it will continue to change. Describe your inner process in your own words with your own understanding of how you function in the world. It's a more powerful expression of how you see yourself, your experience, and the disorder. If your therapist wants to attach psych jargon to your process, that's fine. However, the words don't change or validate your inner experience. I think they just get in the way of clarity. The less we see ourselves as a collection of jargon, the easier we can relate to ourselves as unique individuals with our own unique coping strategies.

I've dealt with DID since I was four. I understood time did funny things when I was in kindergarten. Living in a situation where I was surrounded by schizophrenics, I also learned that reality was unpredictable as well. I went through treatment never using the term "protector", "critic", "fragment", "alter" ...etc. I shared my head with 7 other people who had names, ages, and unique sets of memories, skills, and deficits. It was my description of my inner process that helped me relate to myself. It was intuitive. I never jargoned up. I learned to understand what was going on inside me in an evolutionary way. I'm sure the hospital where I was admitted for a year and my psychologist had their own terms, but they always used my understanding rather than lingo when treating me. They were right. Imposing yet another kind of reality onto me would have been destructive.

Last edited by sophiebunny; May 23, 2019 at 02:00 AM..
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Default May 23, 2019 at 01:17 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
Hi PC friends,

I'm trying to comprehend some pretty big topics. I understand that there is a continuum for dissociative disorders and that each of us has a uniquely developed "system." I also understand that I am not going to be able to "figure it all out" overnight...but I think some part of me is soothed by defining terms, so I can be more in the know about what can feel like a giant topic.

What is co-consciousness? Is it possible to have an awareness of some parts but not others?

Is there a difference in the term "parts" or "alters?" Everyone has parts. So at what point does it cross over into alters? What is the difference between feeling "fragmented" or having alters?

Amnesia. So I don't remember a giant chunk of my childhood. And over the years, I have "lost time" and gone into trance/zoning out/dissociation. But I have not had the "suddenly I was in San Francisco" thing or completely not knowing what year it is. I would say it's more like, I know that I graduated from here, and that I did this or that, but I don't associate that as me. Like I did some videos and I almost can't bear to look at them, because it feels like I am watching someone else. I know it is me. But I can't connect with the experience of being in the videos.

I very often have that horrible experience of not knowing how to do something, like understand numbers or balance my checkbook, where I have known how to do that in the past. Or like drawings I have done that I can not actually do other times.

Internal dialogue vs "hearing voices." Not recognizing myself in the mirror, but knowing it is "me." Or seeing a "me" in the mirror that I feel like I haven't seen for a while.

I scored very high on the DES and MID assessments. Yet, I feel this crazy sense of denial. Like "that's not me" but it is.

Did you tell your significant other or family about DID? And are there "degrees" of DID?

If you are willing to share any of your experiences while you were first in the discovery process of your own DID, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have this giant tremendous task in front of me...at times it makes perfect sense. At times I am in complete denial and think I am making things up in my mind. And at times I want or need to know more...so that I can almost stop obsessing about "knowing more."

Hope this made a drop of sense...and again, I know all of our experiences are different. I feel so alone. (And yet not, ha ha.)

Ugh.

FearLess47
not sure but I think you may have asked these questions before...

co consciousness in mental health terms means to be aware of both what is going on outside your body and inside your body.

yes people can be co conscious of some alters and not others.

what is the difference between parts and alters. that depends upon your own location, what therapy approach your own treatment provider is using but in general...

a "part" is normal for human beings to have... its your normal patterns of behaviors, thoughts, feelings / emotions.

example of parts is that everyone has times when they criticize their self, call their self names or put their self down. this is called being the part known as the internal critic

another example someone who attends church is being the part of their self that is religious,

someone who likes to sing its said that they are in touch with their singing part of them selves.

in normal every day life human beings experience being many different parts of their self...I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, co worker, an avid reader, camper, .... these are all parts of me and my normal personality.

an alternate personality is a part of someones personality (their trauma's emotions, feelings, and more ) that has been dissociated.

the new definition of fragmented in america is when human being has times when they feel incomplete, that something is missing in their life, example my memories are fragmented. they are incomplete, there are many gaps in my memories where I cant remember things.

anyone whether they have a dissociative disorder or not can be fragmented.

amnesia with DID does not mean the memory is gone. it just means the memory is stored unconsciously / dissociated. eventually the memories are gained back through therapy. its not like if you get into a car accident and have damaged brain cells so the memories are forever gone.

I never had the problem of not knowing how to do things. any time I couldnt do something an alter would take control to handle that triggering thing that I did not know how to do. thats part of what DID is. maybe you can ask inside to your alters that you are co conscious with and find out who in your internal system manages things like that which you cant or have trouble doing. DID is something where it doesnt just come on like a cold or flu so if you are having a problem today its something that has been handled all through out your life by the alters. so just ask your alters who takes care of those things and ask them to help you.

internal dialog and voices that come with having DID are one and the same in the new definitions.

not recognizing myself in the mirror ...never had that problem. even though there was alters in my body its all one body so when I looked in the mirror all I saw was my own body. its not like DID morphs a persons body when they switch alters like you see in those old movies. if it was that simple it wouldnt take 10 plus years for people to finally get their diagnosis. doctors and therapists would see right away..... example I have an adult body but rainy was a child. the human body cant morph into the non puberty stage and cant morph into shrinking to the height and weight of a 5 year old child. I had long hair as a child, my adult body has short hair, my eyes dont change colors by their self my nose stayed the same... in other words its all one body so looking in the mirror all a person will see is their own body. the old movies showed differences in the movies to get the point across that its a mental feeling of being different. I can ttell you how many times someone would ask me what do you look like as rainy, does your hair suddenly change colors and your body shrink to a 5 year old, 10 year old...

my suggestion when you are looking in the mirror and you feel like you dont recognize your self check in/ ground yourself my touching your hair, forehead lips, eyes nose and mouth. this will help that feeling go away.

given you have replied in my integration thread you already know the answer to how I discovered I was DID so wont bore you with that again, you can just reread it any time you want to

Hopefully I didnt miss any of your questions.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 07:10 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by sheltiemom2007 View Post
My advice is to not get caught up in the latest lingo. The DID language has changed quite a bit since 1990 when I was diagnosed and it will continue to change. Describe your inner process in your own words with your own understanding of how you function in the world. It's a more powerful expression of how you see yourself, your experience, and the disorder. If your therapist wants to attach psych jargon to your process, that's fine. However, the words don't change or validate your inner experience. I think they just get in the way of clarity. The less we see ourselves as a collection of jargon, the easier we can relate to ourselves as unique individuals with our own unique coping strategies.

I've dealt with DID since I was four. I understood time did funny things when I was in kindergarten. Living in a situation where I was surrounded by schizophrenics, I also learned that reality was unpredictable as well. I went through treatment never using the term "protector", "critic", "fragment", "alter" ...etc. I shared my head with 7 other people who had names, ages, and unique sets of memories, skills, and deficits. It was my description of my inner process that helped me relate to myself. It was intuitive. I never jargoned up. I learned to understand what was going on inside me in an evolutionary way. I'm sure the hospital where I was admitted for a year and my psychologist had their own terms, but they always used my understanding rather than lingo when treating me. They were right. Imposing yet another kind of reality onto me would have been destructive.
I really like this post and I agree with it.I never went into therapy talking about a protector or any other lingo that was being used.I did try to learn it by searching online forums but all it did was confuse me,especially since people tend to have their own definitions and there was so much misinformation out there.

There was a young alter who's job was to pretend to be an adult(I knew this after becoming co-conscious).I searched online trying to figure out what the term for her would be and found so many different things, everything from an age slider to a poser.I was confused about it until she talked to my therapist.She told him "I'm not really an adult'" and he said "that's ok,you are who you are'"And that was true and the most simplistic description of something I was trying so hard to find a term/label for.

I didn't worry about using proper terms and lingo after that.I described my experiences instead.And even now after being integrated I still don't know what all the terms mean ,I read some here that I have no clue what they mean.It seemed important at first when I was first diagnosed and trying to understand but it really didn't matter when it came to healing from it.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 10:42 AM
  #7
Ahhhhhh, yes. Thank you sheltiemom2007 and Betty_Banana. Something just clicked. I need to let go of this obsessive researching of terms. It is causing way too much confusion and anxiety in me and that is the last thing I need right now.

I see things like "host" and "fronting" and am like WTF does all of that mean.

It doesn't matter. I am me. Thankfully I have a T who has no attachment to labels and terms. She said the treatment approach, no matter what, is the same...and to trust my own experience and language.

Sigh--thank you! I think I need to put down the private investigator cap and just let myself be.


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Default May 23, 2019 at 05:44 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
Ahhhhhh, yes. Thank you sheltiemom2007 and Betty_Banana. Something just clicked. I need to let go of this obsessive researching of terms. It is causing way too much confusion and anxiety in me and that is the last thing I need right now.

I see things like "host" and "fronting" and am like WTF does all of that mean.

It doesn't matter. I am me. Thankfully I have a T who has no attachment to labels and terms. She said the treatment approach, no matter what, is the same...and to trust my own experience and language.

Sigh--thank you! I think I need to put down the private investigator cap and just let myself be.


FearLess47
LOL,yes put down that cap.I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on stuff like that which in the end didn't really matter.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 07:33 PM
  #9
off it goes

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 08:38 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
Hi PC friends,

I'm trying to comprehend some pretty big topics. I understand that there is a continuum for dissociative disorders and that each of us has a uniquely developed "system." I also understand that I am not going to be able to "figure it all out" overnight...but I think some part of me is soothed by defining terms, so I can be more in the know about what can feel like a giant topic.

What is co-consciousness? Is it possible to have an awareness of some parts but not others?

Is there a difference in the term "parts" or "alters?" Everyone has parts. So at what point does it cross over into alters? What is the difference between feeling "fragmented" or having alters?

Amnesia. So I don't remember a giant chunk of my childhood. And over the years, I have "lost time" and gone into trance/zoning out/dissociation. But I have not had the "suddenly I was in San Francisco" thing or completely not knowing what year it is. I would say it's more like, I know that I graduated from here, and that I did this or that, but I don't associate that as me. Like I did some videos and I almost can't bear to look at them, because it feels like I am watching someone else. I know it is me. But I can't connect with the experience of being in the videos.

I very often have that horrible experience of not knowing how to do something, like understand numbers or balance my checkbook, where I have known how to do that in the past. Or like drawings I have done that I can not actually do other times.

Internal dialogue vs "hearing voices." Not recognizing myself in the mirror, but knowing it is "me." Or seeing a "me" in the mirror that I feel like I haven't seen for a while.

I scored very high on the DES and MID assessments. Yet, I feel this crazy sense of denial. Like "that's not me" but it is.

Did you tell your significant other or family about DID? And are there "degrees" of DID?

If you are willing to share any of your experiences while you were first in the discovery process of your own DID, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have this giant tremendous task in front of me...at times it makes perfect sense. At times I am in complete denial and think I am making things up in my mind. And at times I want or need to know more...so that I can almost stop obsessing about "knowing more."

Hope this made a drop of sense...and again, I know all of our experiences are different. I feel so alone. (And yet not, ha ha.)

Ugh.

FearLess47
Hi! Here's my experiences, I really hope they help!

Co- Consciousness:
For me I'm often in co-consciousness. To me it means when I might feel like I'm on auto pilot, I'll speak, do everything seemingly as normal but it's kind of like someone else is controlling it, not me. Someone familiar, and almost me, but I'm shoved a little further back from the front, and it's harder for me to keep a train of thought, essentially like I'm 'dulled' I think it's when you're still present, and when you're aware of what a part or an alter is doing, to some extent even also in control. Piloting the ship together.

Parts VS alters:
I think parts and alters are terms that lots of people use differently. I know I refer to them as 'parts' because I have DDNOS. It's kind of like my parts are me from various points in time, and with various changes in outlook/behavior. Still very much me, not separated enough for me to consider them alters. (I really hope that makes sense )

Amnesia:
I'm exactly the same! A large chunk of my childhood is just gone but a lot of my memories feel like a movie I watched, not like something that happened to me. The 'I know it's me but I somehow can't connect this to me' is a good way to put it!

Not knowing how to do stuff:
I can understand that- sometimes things that should make sense just don't, and sometimes things I feel like I shouldn't be able to do all that well I can do better than I expected.

Internal dialogue VS hearing voices: That's something that's puzzled me for the last couple of years. If I'm particularly excited or distressed I'll sometimes whisper things to myself that I didn't intend to, and if I'm in a trauma state and half asleep I'll sometimes hear voices outside of my parts, which are just vivid, awful memories, but day to day it really just feels like a big, uncontrollable internal dialogue, it's really confusing.

Telling people:
I told my partner, but I can understand why some people might keep it to themselves while they're figuring things out.

First processes:
Like so many people I had all the standard symptoms growing up and thought they were normal, I didn't really find out what was happening until I got physically sick for no physical reason. Turned out they were dissociation episodes. Honestly going through the 'figuring it all out' stage the hardest thing to really move through was knowing that I'd been so hurt my personality had to shatter to protect me. That was definitely the hardest emotional aspect. Also, I too like to have the defined terms down, to really solidify things in my brain, but sometimes that can get way too much all at once Needing to take it one day at a time is super frustrating, but I found it was quite a long process to get to a place where I felt even slightly settled in what things meant and what exactly is going on. Still not entirely there yet!
I hope this helped a bit. I'm sorry for the massive post!
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