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Trig Jun 01, 2019 at 07:08 PM
  #1
(*trigger warnings for discussions of trauma and dissociation*)

I am really hoping someone can help me, here. Apologies in advance - this post will likely be lengthy.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months, and were good friends before that for nearly two years. It's very much looking like this will be a forever relationship, and I want to be the best support I can possibly be for him, especially if we're going for the long haul, and we both believe we are.

We've both discussed our mental health and psyches with each other at length several times. I am currently in therapy and on meds for chronic depression and GAD. We are both very open and supportive of one another's emotions and thoughts, as well as constructive when we cross a line.

He has talked about how as a kid at about 6 or 7 his best friend moved away, and it hurt him very deeply, and he hated the sadness, so he "decided" not to feel sadness anymore for any reason, and he didn't experience that emotion again for years. Later on, he got so angry at another kid that he blacked out for several seconds, and next thing he knew he had that kid in a chokehold. That scared him, and he didn't like not being in control of himself, so he decided not to feel anger anymore. And he so didn't. Repeat this process for other emotions - joy(he got depressed when it inevitably faded, & blamed the joy), love(rejected by his first crush and she cut him out of her life), fear, etc. - when something traumatic happened, he simply "decided" to not feel them anymore, and completely suppressed them from his psyche.

In his own words, he said to me, "I basically turned myself into a sociopath. I didn't feel anything. Something horrible would happen, like one of my classmates died in a car accident and everyone was devastated. They would see I wasn't sad, and they would be shocked and ask why. My response was," and he adopted a nuetral face and tone of voice, "'Why would I?'"

He proceeded to tell me this went on until about 10th grade, when another girl showed up who befriended him(which he said that he had no attachments to friends, but he was easily able to mimic normality by this point) somehow cracked through his suppression.... but the emotion associated with his attraction to her manifested itself within him very, very differently this time. This time, it was a *literal* voice in his head.

Soon after that, other voices(emotions) joined in, one after the other.

In response to me asking at one point why he hadn't asked me out(I was actually the one to ask him, lol) he said this: "It's... very loud... in here," he said to me. "Like on our first outing" (which was just before we were officially dating, we just went to 'hang out') "half of the voices were saying 'Ask her out!' but the other half of them were *screaming* 'NO!' I couldn't even think, so I froze."

This was about 3 months ago.

Now he says, "It's actually been very quiet lately.... Especially when I'm with you."

"Like the voices are unified in what they want?" I ask.

"Yeah, and there's not really anything negative to say."

So, with all of that being said, here's the reasons why I suspect he has DID:

One, the rage blackouts he's mentioned. The one I mentioned when he first suppressed rage/anger is just one episode. He's mentioned that since his emotions came back, he's had one rage blackout(he thankfully didn't hurt anyone, came out of it before that happened), and an episode where he got very close to blacking out(he said he could feel himself "separating" inside) but didn't.

Two, the way described his decision to just stop feeling something the "first" time made it sound way more to me like he already subconsciously knew how, just that that was the first time he *remembered* doing it.... Which makes me suspect there are things he doesn't remember... Which completely and utterly breaks my heart, but, I digress, sorry...

Anyways, point is, I'm no expert at all. All I have are suspicions. I've never seen anything that could be a "switch". It may just be dissociation without separate identities, suppressed memories, or even schizophrenia. I don't know, and I'm not asking you for helping "diagnosing" him or whatever.

What I really want, if you can, is advice on how to best support him. I've even asked him at one point, "Do you think you have DID?" and his answer was, "Hm... Not quite. I may have gotten close, but no."

The only thing I'm mostly certain about is that there's something else there that he doesn't remember.

How do I best support him? Just continue to be there for him and don't push? And in the event of flashbacks(which he has actually had one that he asked that I "please don't ask" him about) what's the best thing to do, there?

I just want to be the best support I can possibly be. My heart hurts to see him in any kind of pain, and I know that's not something that just goes away and I know I can't "fix" it, I just want to try my best not to make anything worse.

If you're able to give me any advice at all, please do. I'm sorry this is so long.

Thank you ❤

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 08:01 PM
  #2
I think the most supportive thing to do is suggest he seeks professional help and just be there for him and don't push .
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 08:38 PM
  #3
Thank you for your response ❤

Yeah, I've suggested a couple of times that he see a therapist - the first time he was completely disinterested, which was only a few months into our friendship(he'd talked about being depressed). The second time was right before we started officially dating, and he seemed much more open to it, but his financial situation is complete and utter crap, so he said he can't until he makes more money.
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 09:31 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaAnne63 View Post
(*trigger warnings for discussions of trauma and dissociation*)

I am really hoping someone can help me, here. Apologies in advance - this post will likely be lengthy.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months, and were good friends before that for nearly two years. It's very much looking like this will be a forever relationship, and I want to be the best support I can possibly be for him, especially if we're going for the long haul, and we both believe we are.

We've both discussed our mental health and psyches with each other at length several times. I am currently in therapy and on meds for chronic depression and GAD. We are both very open and supportive of one another's emotions and thoughts, as well as constructive when we cross a line.

He has talked about how as a kid at about 6 or 7 his best friend moved away, and it hurt him very deeply, and he hated the sadness, so he "decided" not to feel sadness anymore for any reason, and he didn't experience that emotion again for years. Later on, he got so angry at another kid that he blacked out for several seconds, and next thing he knew he had that kid in a chokehold. That scared him, and he didn't like not being in control of himself, so he decided not to feel anger anymore. And he so didn't. Repeat this process for other emotions - joy(he got depressed when it inevitably faded, & blamed the joy), love(rejected by his first crush and she cut him out of her life), fear, etc. - when something traumatic happened, he simply "decided" to not feel them anymore, and completely suppressed them from his psyche.

In his own words, he said to me, "I basically turned myself into a sociopath. I didn't feel anything. Something horrible would happen, like one of my classmates died in a car accident and everyone was devastated. They would see I wasn't sad, and they would be shocked and ask why. My response was," and he adopted a nuetral face and tone of voice, "'Why would I?'"

He proceeded to tell me this went on until about 10th grade, when another girl showed up who befriended him(which he said that he had no attachments to friends, but he was easily able to mimic normality by this point) somehow cracked through his suppression.... but the emotion associated with his attraction to her manifested itself within him very, very differently this time. This time, it was a *literal* voice in his head.

Soon after that, other voices(emotions) joined in, one after the other.

In response to me asking at one point why he hadn't asked me out(I was actually the one to ask him, lol) he said this: "It's... very loud... in here," he said to me. "Like on our first outing" (which was just before we were officially dating, we just went to 'hang out') "half of the voices were saying 'Ask her out!' but the other half of them were *screaming* 'NO!' I couldn't even think, so I froze."

This was about 3 months ago.

Now he says, "It's actually been very quiet lately.... Especially when I'm with you."

"Like the voices are unified in what they want?" I ask.

"Yeah, and there's not really anything negative to say."

So, with all of that being said, here's the reasons why I suspect he has DID:

One, the rage blackouts he's mentioned. The one I mentioned when he first suppressed rage/anger is just one episode. He's mentioned that since his emotions came back, he's had one rage blackout(he thankfully didn't hurt anyone, came out of it before that happened), and an episode where he got very close to blacking out(he said he could feel himself "separating" inside) but didn't.

Two, the way described his decision to just stop feeling something the "first" time made it sound way more to me like he already subconsciously knew how, just that that was the first time he *remembered* doing it.... Which makes me suspect there are things he doesn't remember... Which completely and utterly breaks my heart, but, I digress, sorry...

Anyways, point is, I'm no expert at all. All I have are suspicions. I've never seen anything that could be a "switch". It may just be dissociation without separate identities, suppressed memories, or even schizophrenia. I don't know, and I'm not asking you for helping "diagnosing" him or whatever.

What I really want, if you can, is advice on how to best support him. I've even asked him at one point, "Do you think you have DID?" and his answer was, "Hm... Not quite. I may have gotten close, but no."

The only thing I'm mostly certain about is that there's something else there that he doesn't remember.

How do I best support him? Just continue to be there for him and don't push? And in the event of flashbacks(which he has actually had one that he asked that I "please don't ask" him about) what's the best thing to do, there?

I just want to be the best support I can possibly be. My heart hurts to see him in any kind of pain, and I know that's not something that just goes away and I know I can't "fix" it, I just want to try my best not to make anything worse.

If you're able to give me any advice at all, please do. I'm sorry this is so long.

Thank you ❤
first thing you need to know is that he is the same person he has always been no matter what the diagnosis.

second though its tempting for loved ones to try and find answers to why someone behaves the way that they do, its best to leave the diagnosing and such to that persons own treatment providers and remain who and what you are, their loved one, best friend and other side of his relations couple. by trying to self diagnose him with DID or a dissociative disorder you may end up doing more harm to you, him and your relationship...

for example here in america black outs due to rage disqualifies someone as having Dissociative disorders and qualifies that person for another disorder called Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

another example in your post you stated he said he decided not to feel so he didnt feel. here in america this would disqualify a person for having a dissociative disorder. why because many religions, and some meditative practices and self hypnosis, and some cultures teach things like being able to block out emotions and feelings, not let them harm you.

my point is just because someone does these things doesnt mean we as their loved ones should be trying to label them as mentally ill.jumping on the diagnosis wagon can actually hurt someone.

my suggestion is not worry about his mental disorders, take care of your own mental and physical health and let him do the same for his, just be his girl or guy, friend, loved one. thats all you can really do.

and if at some point he wants you to be involved in his mental health he can invite you to attend his medical and mental health appointments where you will find out what is actual disorders are and how you can best support him.
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 01:49 PM
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 09:14 PM
  #6
DID is difficult to diagnose. It is best that you leave it to professionals, a therapist or psychiatrist, to make that decision. If his behavior is not injuring you in some way, either physically or emotionally, and you are committed to him...hang in there and encourage him to get help. If you are being harmed, please, leave the relationship.
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 09:36 PM
  #7
I would be very wary of looking at him as a patient to diagnose, which is what you are doing with your post. I would get some therapy on this too, for yourself, and leave his therapy up to him.

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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 08:50 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by amandalouise View Post
first thing you need to know is that he is the same person he has always been no matter what the diagnosis.

second though its tempting for loved ones to try and find answers to why someone behaves the way that they do, its best to leave the diagnosing and such to that persons own treatment providers and remain who and what you are, their loved one, best friend and other side of his relations couple. by trying to self diagnose him with DID or a dissociative disorder you may end up doing more harm to you, him and your relationship...

for example here in america black outs due to rage disqualifies someone as having Dissociative disorders and qualifies that person for another disorder called Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

another example in your post you stated he said he decided not to feel so he didnt feel. here in america this would disqualify a person for having a dissociative disorder. why because many religions, and some meditative practices and self hypnosis, and some cultures teach things like being able to block out emotions and feelings, not let them harm you.

my point is just because someone does these things doesnt mean we as their loved ones should be trying to label them as mentally ill.jumping on the diagnosis wagon can actually hurt someone.

my suggestion is not worry about his mental disorders, take care of your own mental and physical health and let him do the same for his, just be his girl or guy, friend, loved one. thats all you can really do.

and if at some point he wants you to be involved in his mental health he can invite you to attend his medical and mental health appointments where you will find out what is actual disorders are and how you can best support him.
Thank you for your response 😊❤ and absolutely I know he's the same person, even if he did have a dissociative disorder or any other kind. Like I said even before we were in a relationship we were really good friends for close to two years, and we worked with each other at the same job every day and had lunch together and stuff. I love all of him, even the parts I may not know yet. Those parts are part of what makes him *him*, even if he keeps them hidden.

I know you're right. My mind is really analytical so I'm always trying to analyze things, but you're right, when it comes to mental health I shouldn't, it's way too complicated to even attempt to draw conclusions, especially when I'm no expert.

Mostly I just wanna be the best support I can, caring about someone to this degree is really new to me, not sure how to approach it most of the time... I guess like making sure I'm not crowding him but still being open and supportive and reassuring of my love for him no matter what? I don't know, really. Kind of making it up as I go, which is part of why I'm floundering because I'm a major planner.

I hope I'm making sense...

Thank you again for your response. That's a really good reminder for me to keep things in perspective. ❤

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Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADD/ADHD
- Escitalopram 10mg (no affect on MDD; major affect on GAD)
- Buproprion 150mg (major affect on MDD; slight affect on ADD)

Major genetic history with heart failure - can't take stimulants.
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