When and how did you realize time was random?

I was 4 years old when I understood that I could go from Monday to Thursday and have Tuesday and Wednesday disappear. I remember going to bed on a Thursday dreading a math test, waking up on what I thought was Friday only to find the Sunday newspaper sitting on the kitchen table. I got the math test back the next week, 100%. My name on the paper but I had no memory of taking the test or the entire day.

I always knew as a child that time was random and played tricks on me. I never understood why. I thought everyone must be like this.

I always thought everyone had people in their head and that it was normal. It wasn't until I started seeing my first pdoc that I realized hearing voices of the people that live inside your body with you was not only abnormal but that it was rare to have those people at all. When I was diagnosed with DID, I went into shock for a bit. I didn't know how to take it. My normal wasn't normal. It was pathological. It was a disorder. When the pdoc asked if I ever heard things that other people couldn't hear, I actually resonded, "ya, doesn't everybody?" It was strange to think that I was different.

I also thought that losing time was normal and everyone experienced it. It's one of those things that if we don't talk about it, we never know it's not the norm. But since we think it's normal, why bring it up, you know?

Were taught that time is linear. That it goes in a straight line, constant. But for us, the people that dissociate, that constant aspect isn't there. Time is still linear, but it skips around sometimes. Friday turns into Sunday. Tuesday turns into Saturday. No recollection of what happened to the days in between. The days still happened, we just can't remember.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I remember always being very accepting of now. I didn't think anything of time or how it worked. I remember just taking life as it comes. I never had to worry about anything but NOW. I didn't have to worry about anything that was before. I only ever had to worry about where I am and what I am doing right NOW. All I ever had to do was see where I am and what I am doing and carry on from there. Time was never an issue for me. Time is always right here and now. Wherever I am, there is the time.

One alter has very clear memories of her role. She was a body checker. Her role was to see where she was, check everything was okay around her, and attend to the body. If there were injuries she dealt with them. She took care of the body.
And everything after that was always now... the only thing we have to worry about. Days and times didn't matter. Didn't give them a second thought. The only thing that mattered was the now that I was in.

I don't know the age, but I do remember being like "I can make time disappear!"
I don't have any such dramatic stories about waking up days later though that I recall. I mostly realized I could retreat into an inner world and hours/days would fly by as long as I lived there.
According to my parents, I also swore that I'd sometimes go to bed in one house & wake up in a different house (my parents were divorced). I don't remember this, and I don't remember if I actually said it was days later or not.

I never gave time a thought. you see I became DID before the age of 5 with the very first alteration where my brain used its flight or fight dissociation process to take from my conscious awareness the traumas that I could not handle (for more of this you can read my integration thread.

my point is I grew up this way so to me it was just normal not to remember things, even with my family I was the one known for having a great memory. they didnt know I was switching from alter to alter, they just knew I was very good at multi tasking and knowing whats what.

for me it was like someone who had never known a Rhinopithecus existed so how could they feel anything about not having one.

plus its normal for human beings to forget things, no one remembers every single day in their life, every single school year in their life. ...

my point is if these things were so noticable and affecting my life and thoughts on it, it wouldnt have taken many many years to get diagnosed with DID to begin with. to me and those around me my memory problems were not a memory "problem".

Sometimes it surprises some that knew me when I was not integrated because they never saw anything different in me and I never acted or had any strange thoughts. I actually had to explain to them tha thaving DID doesnt make one less capable, it makes one more capable.

By this I mean what i couldnt remember was still in my brain and all that needed to happen was switching from my conscious awareness to my unconscious awareness. it wasnt something that I could control, I couldnt say now Im going to be rainy so that I could remember this or that. it was if I needed to remember something my brain automatically switched me to being rainy and rainy would do with the memory what was needed.

I mean I didnt get diagnosed with DID until I was an adult in a college class that required as a class assignment to have formal testing and enter therapy as a way to prepare the students that planned to stay in the mental health field what being in therapy was like. if missing memories was such a big deal for me I would have been diagnosed much sooner as a child if I mentioned something like I couldnt remember my while such and such grade.

my point -- it was normal and not a problem and I didnt give it any thoughts and such about it. I was just like any other human being who didnt remember every single moment in their lives.

When I became aware that I knew what part of the day it was by the sun I realized that time was man made and not a natural event. Like someone made it up.and we all said ok.

I am time obsessed. I melt down without a watch. I'm obsessed with being on time. I need to know plans well in advance. Especially when events are supposed to start. Even integrated, which brought with it continuous time and continuous memory, I'm still terrified of losing even a minute of time. I cannot live in the now. It's impossible. Time is just too fragile to me. I need to keep track of it carefully.

I'm glad I asked this question. It's really helpful to see how other people with DID deal with the thorny issue of lost time.

That sounds like you are a super contender for the super power game! I love it! A real super power with a drawback - you still physically age during those lost days, so you cannot travel into the future...

A Rhinopithecus? Is that a precursor to man with a huge nose?

That sounds like you were very happy. Is that so?

no they are monkeys in asia with very small noses, they sneeze alot and are one of the animals my children studied this year in their "blocks" my children go to a school where they study all their subjects (math science, reading and ...) in blocks where they have a main topic (Rhinopithecus) that they apply all their class work to. one of my children made a comment that before they knew the Rhinopithecus existed they didnt miss or want one and now that they have studied it they would love to have some. which is why I thought of this when I was posting about not having a problem with not remembering things.

Happy? No. That is no way to live at all! I bounced around from here to there with no control over my self or the situations I found myself in. Life was chaotic, completely unpredictable and I was helpless to do anything at all about it. I had no control over staying or going. Life happened of its own accord and I had no say or control or influence over anything that came before or anything that was to come afterwards.
There were times when I TRIED to control it. I remember there were times as a child when I TRIED to "stay". But I learned that I couldn't, that I didn't. So I just worked with what I had, which was (for my personal experience) the ever-present NOW. (Which in actuality if you haven't picked it up yet was "seldom".) But whenever I was, wherever I was, that was MY now and that was all I focused on.

But no, I was certainly not "happy".

I am curious about our two responses to this now. One does seem happy, I can see why someone thought that reading over it. The other does not.
Oh well. I honestly don't know how to figure out my own responses to things sometimes!

Here's my best guess.... not caring about it made it Not A Problem. It was actually a huge problem - life really can't be lived properly if you don't have control over your own being. But we just didn't have control over that. Maybe not thinking about it at all was a way to try to cope with the lack of control?

But it was a huge problem and caused us failure in every aspect of life.

ETA, which leads to another problem which causes us a loss of relationships... that we are so often accused of lying. One alter will say one thing and another alter will tell the same person something completely different. People frequently believe we are lying. I don't mean about DID or abuse stuff, we don't really talk about things like that with anyone except T. But I mean boring, mundane every day life stuff that no-one would even bother to lie about anyway. That kind of stuff bothers me much more than not-thinking about missing time!

I guess my interpretation came from the wording, which sounded carefree somehow, and quite poetic. And that poetic aspect made me forget about the everyday practicality of time bound activities, ideas about regularity etc. The fact that society demands time-observance and rewards you with quality of life.

And the second reason for my misperception was maybe that so many people feel so harassed by time that they turn to all sorts of practices like meditation and mindfulness to reach that magic state of NOW. You know "in the here and now" and such...

So here I hear from a person who has that build in - sounded very attractive to me. I want to commend you on your language.

I'd love to compose an electronic music track with your text spoken over it. Like, very 80's !

@Amyjay, I also love the "Body Checker" I really do.

And, who knows, maybe she is a very bossy, fussy, unpleasant person? Or is she as caring and observant and exact as she sounds? Also interesting about her: she sounds like she was constant, or at least, regularly appearing.

About the loss of relationships - maybe you could develop a note-taker part? Is that possible, developing a part out of necessity, or is that completely not under your control?

Do you remember ever a part or alter developing spontaneously - or were they all there from the beginning?

And: do you mind my questions?

I think (for me) reading @Amyjay living in the "now" made me feel a bit jealous at first. Because for me, time is a huge neurotic obsessive thing. Must be early. Must write notes. Must plan. Must think ahead. Must figure out before. Etc...And so my T and pdoc have both said to me that the most important thing for me to learn, is to be in the here and now. This present moment.

But I knew that your "dealing with this minute right here" was because of the unpredictable nature of this certain set of super powers.

I have a planner, a clipboard carrying, must know, must list, must maker senserer inside....and she hates not knowing the time. What day it is. Etc. And if someone asks me for a piece of information like "Hey how was your event yesterday?" If I am not aware of WTF they are asking me about, I have to kind of go through the card shuffler in my mind and ask "anyone? anyone? what event might this person mean? what day was yesterday?" Then I usually can answer. But feel totally disconnected to having been at the event at all.

Sending love to all....yesterday, today and tomorrow.
FL47

A monkey with a small nose that sneezes a lot? I want one!
I once had a hamster that sneezed a lot. Quite cute. With his tiny human paws he would even cover his nose when sneezing!

This is all very fascinating to me. You see, I have huge problems with not letting go of the past, remembering things, brooding over memories. Feeling guilt. Comparing the dire present with a happy past, etc. I would really wish to be able to disconnect, or to face every day as a new, fresh person, facing a new, fresh event.

six years old

I can understand that desire. It is a mixed thing for me. I remember very little from childhood. And when I think about it, I cringe. So I never want to see old pictures, reminisce, talk about old times. And yet...I'm also trapped by obsessing over the future. Making lists. Worrying about what if's. Thinking about tomorrow even if I have won the lottery today. Still, worry, fretting.

So in this moment, here. I am often confused. My life is good now, I remind myself. Yet...I am still so compartmentalized, that "now" doesn't relate to "then" or "later." Yet.... Yet... Working on it....


FearLess47