Who am i

I was a daughter, the oldest to be exact. I taught my mother how to be a mother. Then I was and older sister to 4 other sisters, we were poor and my parents had an addiction to opiods. I was never a child, I became a provider, a sergeant mother to my sisters. All I knew was work and school and raising 4 little girls who looked to me for so many answer. Then I became a mother myself, then a wife. And suddenly I became, numb, empty. My days consisted of caring for my family and never myself. I watched myself day in and day out care for people who couldn't see that I wasn't okay. I became psychotic, I started using amphetamines convincing myself it was only to have more energy to care for my family. Until the day I found myself 6 states away from thsm, fleeing for what felt like my life. I abandoned my son and husband, I have not settled in one area since. 20 states in less than a year. I just keep going, running and hiding. I don't remember why I left, how I met the man I was fleeing with, or what my son looked like. And it's been so long since ive seen or contacted them. But I keep wandering, trying to find what feels like home again. If I never find it, who am I? Who am I without being a daughter, a sister, a provider, a mother, a wife? When someone,asks me who are you, what do I tell them? I am me? I am nothing now? Or maybe I'll tell them I am lost, come find me. I spent long enough searching, wont someone else take a look for me?

Oh man,what an awful situation.I can so... relate to this.I have been all over the internet to make sense of my entire life and how I feel lost now.Oh my,Oh my......We both went through a hideous form of child abuse called parentification.Useless parents choose one of their children to play the role of an eternal slave.Usually the oldest is scapegoated. I am the oldest in my family.My mother was never a mother. We are programmed since childhood to be these robots who are there to do servitude to eveybody.They do not exist as human beings. They are lost souls.I know how you feel.You are desperately trying to find yourself.You can PM me if you want to share your feelings.I am here to listen.

Im sorry you are going through this. unfortunately here no one can as you ask "take a look for me" we don't diagnose each other here.

what we do here is the same as if you had a friend over for coffee or a chat. we post about our lives and problems and sometimes those who may have the same problems may post replies, we can also share what our own treatment providers are calling things in ourselves and what we are doing to help ourselves and make suggestions. but for diagnosis and treatment like the disclaimer at the bottom of every page says, you will need to contact your own treatment providers.

what I can say is that I have had dissociative problems (feeling numb, spaced out....) and I have had dissociative fugue episodes where I ended up on different locations (not due to running away or fleeing ). My dissociative fugues were dissociative related. by that I mean each episode of my dissociative fugue could be literally traced back to a specific trigger that caused it. upon coming out of the fugue state, though I was confused the trigger came back to me. example one time while feeling numb and spaced out I ended up at the air port. the reason I ended up at the air port was because the trigger was traveling on an air plane over holidays.

my suggestion is look at all the different places you end up on and find the common denominators (what they all have in common / the trigger) this helps because dissociation since 2013 is considered a normal response to a trigger. find the trigger you find the answer to how to stop it from happening again.

another suggestion is contact your medical doctor and your (or a ) mental health treatment provider who can actually diagnose and get you treated for what ever this turns out to be. for some people with this kind of problem the solution is medications depending upon the root of the problem.

another suggestion... a good drug treatment program. sometimes drugs like amphetamines can cause things like dissociative side effects, memory problems and as you call it running away/ fleeing.

Maybe you are all of those things. All of those experiences helped form you. But maybe there is more, in addition to those... the Self you haven't yet become, your own self, the self that only you could be.
Maybe you are all those things you used to be, plus this space of the essence of you that is still waiting for you to bud and flower and grow into it, a space that is still waiting to be filled.