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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 02:42 AM
  #1
I am somewhat integrated. But I still have the inner world I was introduced to over a decade ago.

I am not sure if integration is a goal anymore. I still need my last few alters, and we all need our inner world.

It is nice inside. We have 7 lands. It is not scary anymore underground or in the dark forest. The inside people are there as a team, and we all still collaborate.

The world is still scary, so I need my different selves.
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 10:10 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by lillib View Post
I am somewhat integrated. But I still have the inner world I was introduced to over a decade ago.

I am not sure if integration is a goal anymore. I still need my last few alters, and we all need our inner world.

It is nice inside. We have 7 lands. It is not scary anymore underground or in the dark forest. The inside people are there as a team, and we all still collaborate.

The world is still scary, so I need my different selves.
Im also integrated.

I did not have an internal world. my DID was the more typical dissociative related where my alters were out based on my dissociating because of triggers, and the resulting alter that took control was the one that dealt with that trigger. there was no internal world for them to hang out in when they were not out, it was more like one moment I would be feeling triggered, have my dissociation symptoms of being numb, spaced out feeling like I am sinking then the next thing I knew it was a different day or time and I was doing something different then the last thing I remembered doing.

Rainy was only out during times when there were rain storms or other storms, or depressive times, Thelma was only out to handle my dating/ intimacy issues, red was only out during times when I was triggered into anger....

the only internal world I had was what my treatment providers called using my imagination, daydreaming. which is different than having an internal dissociated world. But I can imagine it must be hard to have not one internal world but 7 different lands internally. a friend of mine only has one and she tells me that its so hard sometimes to keep whats what on that internal world straight. in her internal world its one land with four "countries" she gets triggered and has these dissociative symptoms and her dissociating automatically puts her in an indian reservation frame of mind, she has these other dissociative symptoms and lands in the woods, has other dissociative symptoms and lands on a mountain summit, and had completely different dissociative symptoms and lands on a ferry crossing a lake. but its all one land so to speak. seven truly amazing that you are able to have 7.

question you don't have to answer just a curiosity for me since I didn't have any internal lands, is your 7 lands like this where its based on what your dissociative symptoms are or is it something more complex and how does your system keep these 7 lands straight from one another.

your not knowing if integration is a goal for you... for me there wasn't a choice. it wasn't a goal or something that I could choose to do or not to do. it was just a normal process that my brain did called flight or fight / dissociation due to extreme trauma before age 5 that caused my alters to come into being. so the integration was just a normal part of the healing process for me

you can read the whole thing in my integration thread but please take care when reading that thread of mine. it contains some basic medical / mental health terms and definitions and answers how my dissociative alters were created and more I marked the thread with the trigger because many are not ready for such terms, honesty and topic of integration since you are integrated some of your alters Im assuming you already know some of whats in this thread of mine because you have gone through it yourself...here is the link to my integration thread...…

Integration

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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #3
Welcome, lillib. I am fascinated by how you have "mostly integrated" but have held on to a few alters. you say you still need them though, so it makes sense that these last few have not integrated. Me and my system have integrated a couple of parts, I believe, but there are some I simply couldn't imagine being without.
We have an expansive internal world where the alters "live" and the more we discover the more I believe we have quite a few very fragmented alters too. It is so sad that young children can be so damaged by the very people they rely on for life. ;(
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #4
I love my inner world, I love my alters - we're keeping everyone always. Good hearing from you lillib.

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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 08:29 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
Welcome, lillib. I am fascinated by how you have "mostly integrated" but have held on to a few alters. you say you still need them though, so it makes sense that these last few have not integrated. Me and my system have integrated a couple of parts, I believe, but there are some I simply couldn't imagine being without.
We have an expansive internal world where the alters "live" and the more we discover the more I believe we have quite a few very fragmented alters too. It is so sad that young children can be so damaged by the very people they rely on for life. ;(
@Amyjay - thank you! Indeed, it is sad when young children can be affected by trauma, to the point that life all around feels unsafe (at least when there aren't any protectors around).

**trigger warning**

My father served in WWII as a merchant marine, so he wasn't considered a veteran (but nowadays they are). Sadly, he was never treated for his war-related injuries, and it had affected us kids. His brother (my uncle) was a pedophile and harmed me and indirectly my sister. Still, I was resilient enough I suppose, though I did block out most of it until much, much later, after I had experienced military sexual trauma.

I had a best friend who was murdered by some man when she was around 15 years of age (I was about 13 going on 14). I miss her so much. Her story is still in the archives of the newspaper. We both went by different names, but we both also dissociated a lot, since she was in an abusive home, too. I suppose we 'trauma bonded," if that is the correct term.

Sometime after that, I went on to college and graduated from the police reserve academy. I wanted to fight the bad guys, but more importantly, I wanted to be tough. Little did I know at the time that I had a couple of male alters inside to help me with the physical training and the "red man attack" - which was part of our training where we had to fight off a potential hostile suspect. Back then I was brave, but today I'm not.

I'm not brave today because of what happened to me in the military. Unlike the relatively ethical police training I had, some superiors in the marines sexually harmed us. From that point forward, I was too afraid to do anything if I couldn't even trust the people I was serving with or under.

Years later, I was involved with a man who wound up beating me, choking me, etc. It took a while to leave, but I left, but not before I was rruined even more. Because I lost time, and because I didn't know that I had both PTSD and DID at the time, he didn't believe me when I said that I couldn't remember certain things or where I was. I was harmed for that.

Then comes the therapy abuse, years later. A church pastor was initially nice, but then certain things about what she had said, and what the congregation had said, were so judgmental that I had to get out. I'm not a sinner for being agnostic, so I recanted my being born again and decided to simply believe that if there is a creator, that he loves me no matter what, and knows my truth, even if the church doesn't.

Then, when I went to get treatment after getting diagnosed with DID, the therapist suggested I meet with her four or more times a week, which broke my piggy bank. By this time, I was already diagnosed with PTSD, but I felt I could never talk about my military experiences, so I focused solely on what I could recall from childhood and adulthood. I was too afraid to go to the VA for many reasons, so I just went on disability and sought treatment from the private sector. The therapist invited me to her home and her office on separate occasions, but at her home, she wanted me to go with her into her bedroom. I felt gross. Then when we watched movies she knew I was triggered by, she met the alters who were upset that her only reason for triggering me purposely was to meet the alters. I felt alone and unwanted. I felt strange. I didn't know how to deal with lost time and the changing attitudes of the therapist. The therapist's roommate got jealous and threatened me on my voice mail, at which time the therapist suggested that she'll just admit me into a trauma treatment facility until she could deal with her roommate. Thankfully, the trauma treatment facility helped me to leave that unethical therapist and heal somewhat from the traumas I experienced in her home coupled with learning how to manage my dissociation through internal family systems treatment, grounding techniques, and CBT.

Trying to find a new therapist who treats DID was tough, but I had help in short-term treatments. I learned how to converse with and work with my alters, and shortly thereafter, I was introduced to their inner worlds. It was chaotic at first, but then we learned to work with one another.

I was misdiagnosed with so many things prior to that time, but today, PTSD remains a constant, so I simply go with that. The VA has my records, so they know that DID is in my charts somewhere, but today, since integration, or since I really don't trust them to help me with the rest of my integration, and since they aren't fully trained with dissociation, I focus on the PTSD stuff and simply allow my alters to help me as needed - without their knowing.

I don't lose much time anymore - maybe a few hours if I've been retraumatized by a rational trauma that had happened, but for my irrational fears (such as needing to sleep with the light on because I never know who will break down my door and harm me in my sleep) - that I cannot shake. My inner world helps me to find a safe place when I cannot self-hypnotize on my own. I finally sleep, but for only two or three hours at a time on most days. Some days, when I'm so exhausted, I sleep all the way through 7 or 8 hours. When I wake, I'm exhausted though.

Just recently I got chronic fatigue syndrome - or the worsening version of it. Since my honorable discharge, I've been fatigued over the littlest things. Still, I learned to use my gritty personality and persevere through. But that takes a toll when all you do is work, work, work, or converse with your internal alters.

I moved out of state two months ago because the violence in a different state in the mid-west got too bad - too many gang-related gunfire. I used to be tough decades ago, but today, I'm cautious and scared. I've lost courage.

I cry sometimes, but I muster through without emotion most times. When I do let down my guard, it's when I'm alone.

Anyway, I need my protectors and internal helpers and inside (safe) world. They help me when I'm scared or when I need strength. Until I can find a long-term therapist I can trust, I'll just deal with 'surface issues' or the issues I'm not too afraid to talk about. Most therapists I've met are nice, but I can tell that what is hard for me to recall from memory is hard for them to hear, which lets me know that I'm vicariously traumatizing my therapist. I even had one person tell me I burned him out, which made me feel like I needed to be silent about the really bad traumas. That's what makes therapy so hard and frustrating - when I haven't established enough trust to say anything and everything that I really need to in order to heal. And that's one of the reasons why I need the remaining alters.

But yes, it began in childhood and got worsened in the military and thereafter with succeeding traumas.

I know blaming the victim is not right, but I do blame myself for making poor choices. I am more intelligent than that, but I was poor, homeless at times, and desperate. There's not many resources to turn to, so it's a risk for most people at that low-level SES. Some fare well, but others do not. Victimization becomes the norm in poverty.

I'm so glad that I'm no longer in poverty anymore, but I'm so afraid I'll wind up going back. Being homeless is a trauma in and of itself.

I wish you and your system all the best! I'm so glad to hear from you!

Lillib
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #6
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I love my inner world, I love my alters - we're keeping everyone always. Good hearing from you lillib.
@yagr - I'm so glad to hear you love your inner world and alters. It's good hearing from you, too!

By the way, integration for me hasn't meant that I lost my other alters that have integrated with me; rather, it's like we all fused together, one by one. It wasn't easy though, and sometimes it was painful to feel what they felt, think like they thought, know what they knew, and remember what they remembered. For the ones that remain, I don't remember what they know, and what they went through for me still feels like it is their story. Anyway, I accept what is, and I'm happy where I'm at - relatively speaking.

From what I've heard, not everyone needs to integrate. You can find healing and happiness just like you all are - all of you - and your safe inner world.

I hope nothing I said triggered, but I'm sorry if it did. Thank you for replying to me and saying hi.
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 08:39 PM
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Im also integrated.

I did not have an internal world. my DID was the more typical dissociative related where my alters were out based on my dissociating because of triggers, and the resulting alter that took control was the one that dealt with that trigger. there was no internal world for them to hang out in when they were not out, it was more like one moment I would be feeling triggered, have my dissociation symptoms of being numb, spaced out feeling like I am sinking then the next thing I knew it was a different day or time and I was doing something different then the last thing I remembered doing.

Rainy was only out during times when there were rain storms or other storms, or depressive times, Thelma was only out to handle my dating/ intimacy issues, red was only out during times when I was triggered into anger....

the only internal world I had was what my treatment providers called using my imagination, daydreaming. which is different than having an internal dissociated world. But I can imagine it must be hard to have not one internal world but 7 different lands internally. a friend of mine only has one and she tells me that its so hard sometimes to keep whats what on that internal world straight. in her internal world its one land with four "countries" she gets triggered and has these dissociative symptoms and her dissociating automatically puts her in an indian reservation frame of mind, she has these other dissociative symptoms and lands in the woods, has other dissociative symptoms and lands on a mountain summit, and had completely different dissociative symptoms and lands on a ferry crossing a lake. but its all one land so to speak. seven truly amazing that you are able to have 7.

question you don't have to answer just a curiosity for me since I didn't have any internal lands, is your 7 lands like this where its based on what your dissociative symptoms are or is it something more complex and how does your system keep these 7 lands straight from one another.

your not knowing if integration is a goal for you... for me there wasn't a choice. it wasn't a goal or something that I could choose to do or not to do. it was just a normal process that my brain did called flight or fight / dissociation due to extreme trauma before age 5 that caused my alters to come into being. so the integration was just a normal part of the healing process for me

you can read the whole thing in my integration thread but please take care when reading that thread of mine. it contains some basic medical / mental health terms and definitions and answers how my dissociative alters were created and more I marked the thread with the trigger because many are not ready for such terms, honesty and topic of integration since you are integrated some of your alters Im assuming you already know some of whats in this thread of mine because you have gone through it yourself...here is the link to my integration thread...…

Integration
@amandalouise - thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'll try to answer as many questions as I can. I don't know how to do the multiple quote reply thingy yet. I tried. So I will go through and re-read your reply so that I can answer your questions.

Give me a few minutes to do so, and I'll reply again with broken-down quotes to make it an easier response. I may have more than one reply to you to answer each question (perhaps paragraph by paragraph). I will answer in a few minutes once I take a small break. I had no idea so many people would reply to me. It's kind of cool though. It's nice to feel accepted.

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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 08:59 PM
  #8
@amandalouise

"Im also integrated.

"I did not have an internal world. my DID was the more typical dissociative related where my alters were out based on my dissociating because of triggers, and the resulting alter that took control was the one that dealt with that trigger. there was no internal world for them to hang out in when they were not out, it was more like one moment I would be feeling triggered, have my dissociation symptoms of being numb, spaced out feeling like I am sinking then the next thing I knew it was a different day or time and I was doing something different then the last thing I remembered doing."

I remembered those times with some of my alters, but not all. One time at work, I felt the room going dark and me sinking in, and then I literally blacked out. Someone else took over to finish my work, drive me home, and tuck me in. I woke up in my bed, called in sick the next day, and freaked. I eventually returned to work but could not recall what was done or what I needed to still do. I eventually managed, but I also eventually quit.

After integration, I was able to handle undergrad college and volunteer research work. I still had a few alters with me, but nowhere near the alters I used to have.

It's interesting that you say you didn't have or recall an inner world. I'm so sorry you were triggered so much. Not everyone needs an inner world. There's so much on the outside - in real life - to enjoy. I do try to enjoy it when I can.

Maybe for me an inner world is an escape that I have not learned to let go of yet. Life is scary to me, but I don't want to be afraid. I'm just afraid. But I'm okay with where I'm at for now. I'll eventually get better - I keep telling myself.

Anyway, thank you for sharing this. I'll reply to your other paragraphs soon.

But before I do, I was wondering if you struggle with more PTSD symptoms after having integrated. For me, I have. It's like my dissociation gets better but my PTSD gets worse. But... I have been able to use coping skills to help me deal with PTSD without meds. I don't sleep much, but I do eventually calm my nerves.

As for the last few alters of mine, I really need them when I go out in the real world. I stay at home most days. But when I do get out, I try so hard to face it alone. I just can't. So technically, I'm not fully integrated - just mainly co-conscious with my last few. But I had fused with many of the others.

Lillib
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 09:15 PM
  #9
@amandalouise

>>>>"Rainy was only out during times when there were rain storms or other storms, or depressive times, Thelma was only out to handle my dating/ intimacy issues, red was only out during times when I was triggered into anger...."

My reply to the above: It sounds like you had a very protective system. All those parts of you are parts of you, and it sounds like your integration has shown your strength in being able to identify them, why they were there, and what those parts (and you) went through. I'm sorry you went through the pain of past traumas, but I'm glad you were able to integrate.

>>>>>"the only internal world I had was what my treatment providers called using my imagination, daydreaming. which is different than having an internal dissociated world. But I can imagine it must be hard to have not one internal world but 7 different lands internally. a friend of mine only has one and she tells me that its so hard sometimes to keep whats what on that internal world straight. in her internal world its one land with four "countries" she gets triggered and has these dissociative symptoms and her dissociating automatically puts her in an indian reservation frame of mind, she has these other dissociative symptoms and lands in the woods, has other dissociative symptoms and lands on a mountain summit, and had completely different dissociative symptoms and lands on a ferry crossing a lake. but its all one land so to speak. seven truly amazing that you are able to have 7."

My reply to the above: Yes, it's a little tough for me to have seven different lands within one internal world. - sorry for the confusion (it's not 7 different internal worlds, but 7 lands within just one internal world; all 7 lands connect, but there were gatekeepers at the outskirts of each land - but after integration, no need for gatekeepers anymore - yay).

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's triggers. I can understand how she has a different land within her inner world to house her different alters who helped her when specific things in the real world were scary or harmful.

In my inner world, there's a meadow, a forest, a darker forest, a maze/labyrinth, a core center for the baby, an underground, and the "body" (which is more like an inner world than my physical body). They all housed certain alters for specific reasons. When I integrated with a few, the inner world grew lonely at first and then brighter later. It was strange, but a good strange. It housed all of our memories - before I was able to know them and after I got to know them. After fusion and integration with them, I could see why they felt the need to go back inside to their safe place when another alter took over for them - all without me knowing it (at first). Needless to say, I had dealt with so many traumas and so many different kinds - especially growing up in an unconventional military family with a WWII "veteran" from the merchant marines (my father) and his wife (my mother) who was Japanese. It was hard being a mixed race when my father would have his own sorts of flashbacks and then hurt my mom, and then hurt us kids, and then say negative things about Japanese people. My father is white. To experience racism from my own father was hard, but to not know who I was or what I represented as a mixed race, was even harder. And my poor mom, who didn't realize she was neglecting us when she didn't just leave or when she couldn't fight him back. It was like we were all entrapped, but my mom was strong enough to persevere somehow. My mom doesn't want to admit it or talk about it, and neither does my sister. My other family members from my dad's side, whom I met years after my father had passed away, when I was in my 20s and 30s, had experienced some of the same things - and we didn't grow up together (they're much older). If only they recognized him as a veteran, and the harms that happened to both him and then to us, maybe the VA could had helped him and, by extension, us. But research back then was not there for the things he had went through, and then the things we had went through.

I still don't know all of it. Just what the alters had told me or what bits and pieces of flashbulb memories I can recall before I dissociated.

I think there were a number of alters to handled a number of different traumas. I don't know them all, but I know enough.
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 09:49 PM
  #10
@amandalouise

>>>>"question you don't have to answer just a curiosity for me since I didn't have any internal lands, is your 7 lands like this where its based on what your dissociative symptoms are or is it something more complex and how does your system keep these 7 lands straight from one another."

My reply to the above: At first, the lands were connected, but the alters were scared of the gatekeepers protecting each land. The lands were on a grid, but would turn when needed to allow alters to go out from one land when the other alters weren't able to handle what was going on anymore. Some of the alters, themselves, dissociated.

During co-consciousness, I got to know my protectors and persecutor-turned-protectors. It was then I got to know their internal worlds, but I didn't know them all at first, and they didn't know them all either. Only Casper, a ghost, knew all of them. I think they adopted the name from a 70's or 80's cartoon named Casper (the original cartoon series). I suppose they were that young when the trauma happened, and somehow there was someone there to help protect us from being accused of lying or for not paying attention in school. There used to be two alters to handle school - a girl and a boy. I was bullied in school for having acne at a very young age (age 7) and for starting my period at age 9. An alter named Gloworm would handle the periods, and her internal and external helper named Gloria would help with homework - mostly creative stuff. Gloria was funny, too. Gloworm was always scared of baths, but she took over when the periods came. They lived in the meadow, a rather peaceful land. The dark forest contained the persecutors-turned-protectors, Delilah and Damion, the mastermind, and some other fragments. They represented our internalized anger from the abusive people in our lives. There were many others I could name and describe, but we eventually all learned to work with one another, and I (the host) was able to fuse with them once I realized that they weren't harmful to me, there wasn't any good need to self-stigmatize, and that I wasn't a "bad" person because I had these alters. They were there to protect me, and to contain the anger. The protector alters from the persecutors within and outside remain with me now, and they are very helpful and wise. They live in the meadows, but they visited the underground and the forest (the non-dark one) often. Echo and Tabitha lived underground, and many littles lived in the Meadow with other teens, adults, and fragments. The evil queen and evil king, along with Princess lived in a castle in the forest (the non-dark one), as did Fantasy. The evil king and evil king represented my mother and father as internalized alters who held onto the betrayal wounds they had experienced, and the Princess received the brunt of those traumas. Fantasy was there to be close to people on the outside, or to handle sex with a significant other. The maze led to the core, and the maze was filled with different alters, including animals and shapeshifters and many fragments to protect the baby in the core. No one was to ever harm baby. Never. The baby was pure, innocent, never harmed. When I sleep well, I knew that the baby in the core slept well. When things felt unsafe and when insomnia got the better of me, I knew the protectors were guarding the baby, and the caregivers inside comforted and protected the baby when the baby cried. The baby held my preverbal wounds, and sometimes my emotions that I was too afraid to express. Sometimes, in treatment, I would weep so much like a baby, and it was then that I knew that I met the baby when I envisioned that part inside during times I would cry in treatment or at home by myself. The baby is still with me; we never truly fused or integrated. Sadly, I have a hard time expressing emotions, so I imagine them inside. Only once in a while I feel safe enough to cry, but most times I fear crying because I remember getting hurt for crying on different occasions in real life.

Every part of my inner world was a safe place for the alters, and was there because the alters themselves could not handle all the traumas on the outside; they needed to dissociate, too. They also needed to hide more and more secrets. They also, at times, felt like they failed, so they needed others to help them, so they found neighbors, I guess, and learned to travel.

As a host, I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I was living in a fantasy world as a schizophrenic with voices and hallucinations on the inside. I had no idea for many years - since I was very young - why I would fantasize. At first, I thought I would be a writer or something, but there's so much inside me that wanted to fight the bad guys. I chose to try to fight the bad guys, but I always reserved my love for writing. I was about 5 or 6 years old when I started having these thoughts after having kept my "imaginary friend" Michelle from the age of 3. I don't think Michelle was intended to be an alter; I think she was initially an imaginary friend, but then she stayed, and she remains with me still. There's a teen Michelle as well, but they barely got to know each other a decade ago. Little Michelle was there to keep me company. When I was about 5 or 6, I had a very creative imagination, and I remembered in real life - me as the host - wanting so bad to escape from my home, run away, and find a really happy place. I remember imagining it, and then feeling depressed when reality and trauma kicked back in as usual. I was gritty though, and knew I would survive this, because I watched He-Man and She-Ra and thought that one day I could be as strong as them for some reason. I don't have alters named He-Man or She-Ra, but they are old-fashioned cartoons from the 80s or 70s, I think. I believe, on a psychological level, that I must have dissociated a lot as a child, and that my creative mind unconsciously created alters to protect me. I don't know how or why, but I know enough from the painful things the poor littles would say happened to them. And then some of the memories I could remember in real life (not recalled) made sense, even though I dissociated and only remembered very little.

I'm not sure how else to answer your question, but that's the best I can do for now. If you have specific questions, you can ask me and I'll try to answer.

>>>>"your not knowing if integration is a goal for you... for me there wasn't a choice. it wasn't a goal or something that I could choose to do or not to do. it was just a normal process that my brain did called flight or fight / dissociation due to extreme trauma before age 5 that caused my alters to come into being. so the integration was just a normal part of the healing process for me"

My reply to the above: Integration was a choice for healing and wholeness, for me, but it didn't happen on a conscious level, I think. It took time, and it happened after much inner dialogue with my alters. Initially, I didn't think integration was possible, and initially, my alters thought that the therapist wanted them to die. It took a while for us all to figure out what that means, and it's such a relatively new treatment method that I don't think any of us knows what that means still. For me to choose whether or not to integrate the last alters - it's me, the host, who is now afraid. It's almost like a role-reversal of sorts. It's almost as if I am afraid of feeling full-on PTSD run amok. I'm afraid of having a nervous breakdown and never coming out of it, or of going completely insane from fear. I fear so much now after having been integrated with some of the other alters. I learned so much about what had happened to me, or about the perceptions of child alters and my mind trying to fill in the blanks. I tell myself that I'm not in harm's way anymore, but then something in today's time would reinforce old fears, such as when I heard gunshots nearly every week where I used to live. Thankfully, I moved to a safer location - out of state - quite recently.

>>>>>"you can read the whole thing in my integration thread but please take care when reading that thread of mine. it contains some basic medical / mental health terms and definitions and answers how my dissociative alters were created and more I marked the thread with the trigger because many are not ready for such terms, honesty and topic of integration since you are integrated some of your alters Im assuming you already know some of whats in this thread of mine because you have gone through it yourself...here is the link to my integration thread...…"

My response to the above: Thank you for sharing your link and your story with me. I will read it soon (probably not tonight, but very soon - like this weekend).

I'm also open to any advice you have to offer, or how well life has been for you since integration, or how much you've had to struggle initially when you integrated and then found out how much better life is. Anything. It helps to know that there's a light at the end of this tunnel, that I won't suffer like this every day, almost every hour.

Lillib
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Thanks for this!
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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 11:26 AM
  #11
Hi there lillib. Thanks for sharing so much info about yourself,your system and inner world.

I am also integrated.I also had an inner world but not until I was in treatment/therapy for DID. Developing/creating the inner world was very helpful for me during the whole process.
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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 11:40 AM
  #12
Thank you so much for explaining about your internal world with 7 lands you have an amazing internal system

PTSD yes I have a type of PTSD called Acute Stress disorder, America does things differently than some other coutries, here we don't have the ……..diagnostic labeling...…….called Complex PTSD. the problems and symptoms exist but the diagnostics are more individualized where each person can have CPTSD but its called different things depending upon how the problem affects that persons life. my individual combination of CPTSD symptoms and how they affect my life adds up to acute stress disorder. in short what that means is I have a history of long term trauma that rears its head then fades out for a bit then rears its head again then fades out then rears its head....and the duration is short term each time it happens. something in the present may remind my brain of something in the past which brings on flashbacks, panic/ anxiety/ attacks, nightmares.

related to my alters no because all my alters have been integrated and have been now for 10 years, as you will see when you read my integration thread. I had / have a great treatment provider who helped me through the process each time the memories/ emotions/ events that was dissociated/ became my alters were back in my conscious awareness (not dissociated any more)

for a time yes it was a bit of a struggle knowing and feeling everything that was dissociated (in other words was my alters sense of agency) but now no I do not have trouble with storms now that everything that was Rainy is integrated. in fact I have more understanding and control then I did when everything that she was, was dissociated. for example when it storms I actually know why storms used to be so upsetting and why I had my dissociative symptoms, I can say to myself that was then this is now, look at how beutiful that over there looks in this storm. wow that was a nice bolt of lightening. storms no longer cause me problems because everything Rainy was, is now who and what I am, those are my memories now.

the PTSD thing for me is like walking down the street I may see someone that looks or smells like my abusers which for a moment like non dissociative people who have gone through abuse will do, have that quick moment of anxiety, and that situaiton may cause me a few nights of nightmares.

but because I am integrated I now while fully aware have all the information and skills needed to handle situaitons that would have other wise sent me into dissociating .

someday once you are fully integrated you will understand this part of the process better. I say once you are, not in the frame of mind of disregarding the fact that you dont want to fully integrate, but more because at some point in a persons life, and that point is different for everyone, they reach a point of no return where they have healed so much that their brain whether they like it or not does its automatic functions called flight or fight, instead of flight (dissociation) the brain refuyses to switch over to the unconscious storage called alters. why because while fully aware a person has all the knowledge, information and skills.

I think of that point like doing math. at frist when one doesnt know how to add, subtract, multiply divide, the brain does its thing of panic, and run away from doing the homework and math class (derogotory word of choice) but then by the end of that school year what happens, hey math class is so cool I know how to add, subract, multiply, divide, I dont panic anymore I dont avboid it, I just do it like this, and someone comes along who is having trouble with it now Im the one saying here do it this way. then the next school year begins and with out a thought to the world adding, subtracting, multiply and dividing comes naturally with no brain action of flight, just fight (see math equasion and pencil in hand and doing it. no problem at all)

one thing people do when they have DID is hit the internet, researching, joining online groups and what happens, their brain is accumulating all the information and skills about DID and how to handle things. they enter therapy and do CBT, DBT IFS and other therapies and they say I never want to integrate all my alters, but because they have accumulated all this information and questions and answers and therapy this and therapy that the human brain does what it naturally does. puts everything together, what was dissociated becomes undissociated. just the natural process whether we choose or not.

you can see this even in your post to me where you said the integration happened unconsciously. you didnt plan for it to happen it just happened. someday near or far even though you say full integration is not your "goals" it will happen for you unconsciously/ naturally. I think you already know that other wise you would not have said it happened for you unconsciously.

thats how it happened with me, I had absolutely fought the idea of integration as you will see in my integration thread. but it happened with out any planning on my part, nor wanting it to happen. my brain just did its natural brain functions and when my brain had all it needed in the way of skills, and knowledge to do so, it stopped routing my functions through to the dissociative storages that many call alters.

Last edited by amandalouise; Oct 02, 2019 at 01:07 PM..
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Default Oct 16, 2019 at 04:30 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by amandalouise View Post
Thank you so much for explaining about your internal world with 7 lands you have an amazing internal system

PTSD yes I have a type of PTSD called Acute Stress disorder, America does things differently than some other coutries, here we don't have the ……..diagnostic labeling...…….called Complex PTSD. the problems and symptoms exist but the diagnostics are more individualized where each person can have CPTSD but its called different things depending upon how the problem affects that persons life. my individual combination of CPTSD symptoms and how they affect my life adds up to acute stress disorder. in short what that means is I have a history of long term trauma that rears its head then fades out for a bit then rears its head again then fades out then rears its head....and the duration is short term each time it happens. something in the present may remind my brain of something in the past which brings on flashbacks, panic/ anxiety/ attacks, nightmares.

related to my alters no because all my alters have been integrated and have been now for 10 years, as you will see when you read my integration thread. I had / have a great treatment provider who helped me through the process each time the memories/ emotions/ events that was dissociated/ became my alters were back in my conscious awareness (not dissociated any more)

for a time yes it was a bit of a struggle knowing and feeling everything that was dissociated (in other words was my alters sense of agency) but now no I do not have trouble with storms now that everything that was Rainy is integrated. in fact I have more understanding and control then I did when everything that she was, was dissociated. for example when it storms I actually know why storms used to be so upsetting and why I had my dissociative symptoms, I can say to myself that was then this is now, look at how beutiful that over there looks in this storm. wow that was a nice bolt of lightening. storms no longer cause me problems because everything Rainy was, is now who and what I am, those are my memories now.

the PTSD thing for me is like walking down the street I may see someone that looks or smells like my abusers which for a moment like non dissociative people who have gone through abuse will do, have that quick moment of anxiety, and that situaiton may cause me a few nights of nightmares.

but because I am integrated I now while fully aware have all the information and skills needed to handle situaitons that would have other wise sent me into dissociating .

someday once you are fully integrated you will understand this part of the process better. I say once you are, not in the frame of mind of disregarding the fact that you dont want to fully integrate, but more because at some point in a persons life, and that point is different for everyone, they reach a point of no return where they have healed so much that their brain whether they like it or not does its automatic functions called flight or fight, instead of flight (dissociation) the brain refuyses to switch over to the unconscious storage called alters. why because while fully aware a person has all the knowledge, information and skills.

I think of that point like doing math. at frist when one doesnt know how to add, subtract, multiply divide, the brain does its thing of panic, and run away from doing the homework and math class (derogotory word of choice) but then by the end of that school year what happens, hey math class is so cool I know how to add, subract, multiply, divide, I dont panic anymore I dont avboid it, I just do it like this, and someone comes along who is having trouble with it now Im the one saying here do it this way. then the next school year begins and with out a thought to the world adding, subtracting, multiply and dividing comes naturally with no brain action of flight, just fight (see math equasion and pencil in hand and doing it. no problem at all)

one thing people do when they have DID is hit the internet, researching, joining online groups and what happens, their brain is accumulating all the information and skills about DID and how to handle things. they enter therapy and do CBT, DBT IFS and other therapies and they say I never want to integrate all my alters, but because they have accumulated all this information and questions and answers and therapy this and therapy that the human brain does what it naturally does. puts everything together, what was dissociated becomes undissociated. just the natural process whether we choose or not.

you can see this even in your post to me where you said the integration happened unconsciously. you didnt plan for it to happen it just happened. someday near or far even though you say full integration is not your "goals" it will happen for you unconsciously/ naturally. I think you already know that other wise you would not have said it happened for you unconsciously.

thats how it happened with me, I had absolutely fought the idea of integration as you will see in my integration thread. but it happened with out any planning on my part, nor wanting it to happen. my brain just did its natural brain functions and when my brain had all it needed in the way of skills, and knowledge to do so, it stopped routing my functions through to the dissociative storages that many call alters.
@amandalouise

(((safe hugs)))

Thank you so much for sharing that. I meant to respond and re-read your post, but I've got to get ready for a medical appointment today at the VA.

What I wanted to share before I return to this post and give you a proper reply is that I hope to one day be at your level of integration and symptom management! You are very intelligent! It's comforting to hear your responses and others here on the boards. I've met so many wonderful people (very diverse) on the PC forums. It's awesome to hear stories that inspire, even though those stories come with trauma and sad feelings. Thank you for sharing!
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Default Sep 02, 2020 at 11:40 AM
  #14
Hi I’m the host and my inner world is a Mansion, they are rooms for each of my alters were they live, it’s big and black and has a American flag, on it and a plum tree and six sets and one for me where my alters go and talk about things to help them There are stars and a moon and a sun sometimes some of my old alters integrated with me dont remember them will I still black out to and still have amnesia but I know what my name is and birthday, and my age, and my parents, and my therapist, and doctor, is but that’s all cant remember anything els I still some times don’t know how old I am
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Default Sep 02, 2020 at 11:43 AM
  #15
But I’m trying to help my memory some I don’t know my age right now, my alters are nice my new ones and my others they tell me my age so that’s nice of them, Im seeing my therapist today

Thanks for reading
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Default Oct 16, 2020 at 12:31 AM
  #16

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