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fightingon
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Member Since: Oct 2019
Location: Yorkshire
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Default Oct 08, 2019 at 10:15 AM
  #1
Hello all! First time here. it’s a long one - but I need answers. Appreciate you reading however done a little TLDR, to mainly encourage you to read all, that’s why it’s at the top, 'cuse the ramblings. 😉

TLDR
Accidentally overdosed a supplement, containing THC, causing these thoughts
Never really felt myself, not understood why I’m here, constantly searching for more.
Bullied at school, my stomach played up when I was bullied and super anxious about going in that day, sometimes I got the day off, sometimes I didn’t - just dependent on how ‘bad’ I looked judged by my Mother.
Struggling through chosen career, ‘pretending’ to be a chippy, apparently, (please read on - chancer)
Fear with not making my family proud, I feel the pressure is on me to have children, partner etc, because my brothers a bit awkward and been seen for his success, not raising of family

I’ve been ill these past 2 weeks, with ‘stomach illness’
Collected my thoughts, sudden realisation of who I am. Is this me?
I don’t feel any discomfort in my stomach anymore, funnily.
Yet, I’ve a doctor’s appointment for morning - for the 3rd time in 2 weeks, better cancel that...
No second thoughts,, I'm going to have the rest of this week off, to get my head in check.
Please, please read the full... I NEED THINGS TO CHANGE.

School History


Primary School

Back in Year 4; I moved schools and had various medical issues, I had to walk around school with headphones due to making my ears hurt badly. This caused embarrassment and further questions / attention when I returned to school. I always remember the questions, and then the taunts and even counsellors getting involved to check I was ‘faking’. I didn’t try to make friends.
I remember one kid, always stays with me.
Asked “Why did you leave your last school?”
“Because I was stabbed in the neck with a sharp pencil”
“OK, so if I stab you, will you leave?"

And then proceeded to try. I called for a teacher, and he let go. Wait - this was before these illnesses. Oh, and had ‘stomach’ issues to have the time off..

Secondary School
I was about to leave secondary school, nothing untoward had happen except the verbal comments sometimes, and the odd punch (We’re kids, right, bound to happen). I was debagged, a few saw, the rest heard. “Oh, I heard”, I even had the guy who did this to me, say “I wouldn’t have done that if I had known” - Small **** joke.

Anyway, I shrugged this off. We were all released on study leave, it was my last year.

Job History
I tried to setup my own company, contracting, maintenance and repairs. I was in my middle 20s, and now 5 years on, in this moment. I realise I was out my depth. "Chancer” - Been called that plenty of times in the Construction Industry, bah one for another day.

I paid my board money during this, but my mother did far more for me than expected. Gave it 5-6 months, then started working for someone. I appreciate it but haven’t paid her back, yet. If I do make it big, she’ll be first to get the share.

I feel everything I try; I jump from... Past 3-4 years I’ve had numerous of occupations, shopfitter, joiner, call centre, labourer, maintenance assistant. I seem to struggle to hold a job down, I hate to do things wrong, make daft mistakes sometimes…

I’ve been with this company nearly a year and I like but I feel it’s “getting to that stage” - it’s odd that just within 2 months, I underestimated a job and cost the company 2-3 days’ work without pay to cover my wages. I’ve only, tonight put the correlation together with this to.

I feel I want out of construction, it’s full of sharks, and back-stabbers... mainly how I feel about my colleagues, maybe it’s a side effect of the THC, but it all seems to make sense right now.

Family
Like any son, with morals. I want to make my family proud. I realised, tonight. My mother struggled a lot raising me, with my various health problems when growing up. She was ill a lot when I was first born. I feel I haven’t repaid her gratitude without going to university, you see my brother, was top of the class at University, and then within the 1st year of him graduating - they employed him to teach, wow. That still impresses me now.
My brother helped me through school all the way. I had no interest, although tried. I used to behave in lessons and be a good student. I left however with 14 A-C GCSEs, didn’t do too badly. He helps me draft letters and such to this date, I need to snap out of this.

Dating
I’m scrolling on dating apps, get close to people - stringing them on a little, but crafty. When it comes to the crunch, “It’s me, not you” phase - and leave, after sex. Sucks! I need to change this, so ******. I’ve never ‘ghosted’ though. I’m scared, maybe of commitment, or my small ****?

Summary
Lately, I’ve been ill and depressed. My stomach has been playing up - IBS, this used to happen at school when I was getting bullied.
Not sure if it’s a way of my body telling me, things aren’t going smooth, please find an alternative.

What’s different? I didn’t get ‘high’ while writing this, although consumed some THC through a tincture. I’m going to stop taking this supplement from tonight, depending on your reaction I’ll even throw away.


Questions
Please help why I feel like this continuous feeling?
Have I suffered denationalisation from the courses of antibiotics from my medical issues?
Is it boredom, lack of achievement?
Do I require counselling?

My mother describes it as scared of commitment, commitment to job, commitment to girls (I date, but don’t get ‘close’ to people, when they get close, I tend to push them away, intentionally?!)

I went to counselling - 1 session, the ‘introductory’ she mentioned I could be an Over Sensitive Person*. I remember, she leant me a book, but I distracted myself from reading and handed back waiting for a text message off her as prompt, posting through her letterbox. I didn’t reply to the follow up texts afterwards or leave review on her page. ****, I just feel ****** about that also.
*That everything I do, or act, is how people ‘represent me’ I feel it’s true, after tonight.

EDIT: Sudden realisation, I’ve been off work (2 weeks, 1 sick, 1 holiday) I’ve tonight, put the correlation together I’ve subconsciously been job hunting.

Am I ****ing high, or is this the real me?

Noticed, I've followed in my father’s footsteps, he was always in his shed when I was growing up, he aspired to be a carpenter but ended up driving instead, limited opportunities when he was young around these parts (35-40 years ago)
Note, he didn't have a father growing up.
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Default Oct 09, 2019 at 12:07 AM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by fightingon View Post
Hello all! First time here. it’s a long one - but I need answers. Appreciate you reading however done a little TLDR, to mainly encourage you to read all, that’s why it’s at the top, 'cuse the ramblings. 😉

TLDR
Accidentally overdosed a supplement, containing THC, causing these thoughts
Never really felt myself, not understood why I’m here, constantly searching for more.
Bullied at school, my stomach played up when I was bullied and super anxious about going in that day, sometimes I got the day off, sometimes I didn’t - just dependent on how ‘bad’ I looked judged by my Mother.
Struggling through chosen career, ‘pretending’ to be a chippy, apparently, (please read on - chancer)
Fear with not making my family proud, I feel the pressure is on me to have children, partner etc, because my brothers a bit awkward and been seen for his success, not raising of family

I’ve been ill these past 2 weeks, with ‘stomach illness’
Collected my thoughts, sudden realisation of who I am. Is this me?
I don’t feel any discomfort in my stomach anymore, funnily.
Yet, I’ve a doctor’s appointment for morning - for the 3rd time in 2 weeks, better cancel that...
No second thoughts,, I'm going to have the rest of this week off, to get my head in check.
Please, please read the full... I NEED THINGS TO CHANGE.

School History


Primary School

Back in Year 4; I moved schools and had various medical issues, I had to walk around school with headphones due to making my ears hurt badly. This caused embarrassment and further questions / attention when I returned to school. I always remember the questions, and then the taunts and even counsellors getting involved to check I was ‘faking’. I didn’t try to make friends.
I remember one kid, always stays with me.
Asked “Why did you leave your last school?”
“Because I was stabbed in the neck with a sharp pencil”
“OK, so if I stab you, will you leave?"

And then proceeded to try. I called for a teacher, and he let go. Wait - this was before these illnesses. Oh, and had ‘stomach’ issues to have the time off..

Secondary School
I was about to leave secondary school, nothing untoward had happen except the verbal comments sometimes, and the odd punch (We’re kids, right, bound to happen). I was debagged, a few saw, the rest heard. “Oh, I heard”, I even had the guy who did this to me, say “I wouldn’t have done that if I had known” - Small **** joke.

Anyway, I shrugged this off. We were all released on study leave, it was my last year.

Job History
I tried to setup my own company, contracting, maintenance and repairs. I was in my middle 20s, and now 5 years on, in this moment. I realise I was out my depth. "Chancer” - Been called that plenty of times in the Construction Industry, bah one for another day.

I paid my board money during this, but my mother did far more for me than expected. Gave it 5-6 months, then started working for someone. I appreciate it but haven’t paid her back, yet. If I do make it big, she’ll be first to get the share.

I feel everything I try; I jump from... Past 3-4 years I’ve had numerous of occupations, shopfitter, joiner, call centre, labourer, maintenance assistant. I seem to struggle to hold a job down, I hate to do things wrong, make daft mistakes sometimes…

I’ve been with this company nearly a year and I like but I feel it’s “getting to that stage” - it’s odd that just within 2 months, I underestimated a job and cost the company 2-3 days’ work without pay to cover my wages. I’ve only, tonight put the correlation together with this to.

I feel I want out of construction, it’s full of sharks, and back-stabbers... mainly how I feel about my colleagues, maybe it’s a side effect of the THC, but it all seems to make sense right now.

Family
Like any son, with morals. I want to make my family proud. I realised, tonight. My mother struggled a lot raising me, with my various health problems when growing up. She was ill a lot when I was first born. I feel I haven’t repaid her gratitude without going to university, you see my brother, was top of the class at University, and then within the 1st year of him graduating - they employed him to teach, wow. That still impresses me now.
My brother helped me through school all the way. I had no interest, although tried. I used to behave in lessons and be a good student. I left however with 14 A-C GCSEs, didn’t do too badly. He helps me draft letters and such to this date, I need to snap out of this.

Dating
I’m scrolling on dating apps, get close to people - stringing them on a little, but crafty. When it comes to the crunch, “It’s me, not you” phase - and leave, after sex. Sucks! I need to change this, so ******. I’ve never ‘ghosted’ though. I’m scared, maybe of commitment, or my small ****?

Summary
Lately, I’ve been ill and depressed. My stomach has been playing up - IBS, this used to happen at school when I was getting bullied.
Not sure if it’s a way of my body telling me, things aren’t going smooth, please find an alternative.

What’s different? I didn’t get ‘high’ while writing this, although consumed some THC through a tincture. I’m going to stop taking this supplement from tonight, depending on your reaction I’ll even throw away.


Questions
Please help why I feel like this continuous feeling?
Have I suffered denationalisation from the courses of antibiotics from my medical issues?
Is it boredom, lack of achievement?
Do I require counselling?

My mother describes it as scared of commitment, commitment to job, commitment to girls (I date, but don’t get ‘close’ to people, when they get close, I tend to push them away, intentionally?!)

I went to counselling - 1 session, the ‘introductory’ she mentioned I could be an Over Sensitive Person*. I remember, she leant me a book, but I distracted myself from reading and handed back waiting for a text message off her as prompt, posting through her letterbox. I didn’t reply to the follow up texts afterwards or leave review on her page. ****, I just feel ****** about that also.
*That everything I do, or act, is how people ‘represent me’ I feel it’s true, after tonight.

EDIT: Sudden realisation, I’ve been off work (2 weeks, 1 sick, 1 holiday) I’ve tonight, put the correlation together I’ve subconsciously been job hunting.

Am I ****ing high, or is this the real me?

Noticed, I've followed in my father’s footsteps, he was always in his shed when I was growing up, he aspired to be a carpenter but ended up driving instead, limited opportunities when he was young around these parts (35-40 years ago)
Note, he didn't have a father growing up.
your question...….Am I ****ing high, or is this the real me?
Im sorry but we can not answer that only you can answer that question.
but if you re read your own post it looks like you already answered that when you posted "What’s different? I didn’t get ‘high’ while writing this, although consumed some THC through a tincture. I’m going to stop taking this supplement from tonight, depending on your reaction I’ll even throw away."

Im sorry but we cant tell you whether to give up THC or not either, you will have to make that decision by your self and with your own treatment providers.

since you are new you may have missed the disclaimer at the bottom of the page that tells you we don't diagnose or treat mental disorders.

my suggestion is if you look at the bottom of the page you will see this....

"The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here. "

in other words you will need to contact your own treatment providers in order to get your questions answered as to what is going on with you and if you are high on THC or not.

What else Can I tell you.... if you google dissociation disorders like depersonalization/ derealization disorder, dissociative amnesia, DID and others you will find that the problems have to be not because of doing drugs like THC. / medical marijuana. its one of those diagnosis rules for having dissociative disorders that your treatment providers can help you with. your own treatment providers will be able to tell you whether your problems are THC related or are dissociative related.
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Smile Oct 09, 2019 at 12:49 PM
  #3
Hello fightingon: I'm sorry I don't think I can be of any help with regard to all of this. (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can share.) However I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Oct 09, 2019 at 03:02 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello fightingon: I'm sorry I don't think I can be of any help with regard to all of this. (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can share.) However I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
Thank you for the warm welcoming!
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