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Anonymous42119
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Trig Oct 10, 2019 at 01:04 AM
  #1
Possible trigger for those who aren't ready to integrate or who are afraid of it or who choose not to integrate. This is my processing as of tonight...

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Amyjay
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 02:12 AM
  #2
You have learned so much, and grown so much, and healed so much. It sounds like you live and breathe your healing every day. You honor those who - all together- got you to where you are today. You continue to do it together still. Thanks so much for sharing your process with us.
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 02:32 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
You have learned so much, and grown so much, and healed so much. It sounds like you live and breathe your healing every day. You honor those who - all together- got you to where you are today. You continue to do it together still. Thanks so much for sharing your process with us.
@Amyjay

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful response! It isn't easy, but in my pain, I do feel like I'm getting better, despite feeling feelings or recalling memories I'd rather not see. I try to share here to process that which I was sometimes afraid to process in therapy, though I have processed a lot in therapy in the past. I miss having a therapist to process this with. Most of my therapists in the recent past (at the VA) were there to help with specific things (one therapist for smoking cessation, before he retired; one therapist for general check-ins on an as-needed basis; and one therapist who tried brainspotting on me and stated that one of my alters flung the headphones to the ground, or that I dissociated - I don't remember, but I wound up leaving that therapist for some reasons - some I can remember, and oddly some that I cannot).

Now that I've moved to a new state where I don't know anyone, I am eventually going to get my treatment team set up again through the VA here. The Vet Center is separate from the VA Hospital, but I'm kind of scared to even disclose my DID. They'll see it in my VA records, but they usually don't believe it anyway, and they're usually not trained, so I take what I can get - unless by some miracle someone there does read my records in their entirety and assigns me to a therapist who is trained in DID. I doubt it though. Most therapists at the VA are either short-term newbies or long-term "adjustment" counselors.

So, in my spare time by myself, I utilize the skills that worked in the past and continue to use them until I can feel safe enough to share them with a therapist who can help me with the rest. I don't know what I'm doing, but I feel that the internal family systems therapy helps me the best, so I stick with that (and try to blend in affirmations, CBT, and whatever else comes to mind). I try it all. I want to heal, and I want all of my parts to heal. The PTSD is the hardest, as is the crying spells I have whenever I consider the deep betrayal wounds that I feel. I do this alone, and I'm okay with that, but it would be great to have a therapist I can process this all with, and to see what in the world I'm not doing correctly, LOL. Maybe there's a next step or two that hasn't been done to help me with the rest. I don't know. That kind of stuff is not made public. In a way, I'm trying to be my own therapist, but that's not always helpful when I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Nevertheless, I try.

If any of this is helpful to those who are able to read it, I'm glad. Maybe what you see here is not what your T would recommend, especially if I'm doing it all wrong. And that's okay. Every system is different and requires different treatments. I just am trying to do what worked for me when I had DID treatment in the past, and I've been doing it daily for the past decade or so.

Thank you for reading.
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