Shock

I faintly recall glimpses of when I was electrocuted in a garage. It's not a new memory; this flashbulb memory has been with me since I was a kid.

I've always wondered if my father, being a WWII merchant marine, was victim to any testing, as he was in psychiatric hospitals long before he met my mom (his wife) and had us kids. I wondered if his erratic behaviors and abuse at times were reactions to potential MK-Ultra experimentation. I wondered why his brother (my uncle) was so screwed up and harmed me sexually, and then rewarded me later with coins and this triangle and eye symbol, which I later found out was on our dollar bills and called Illuminati.

It sounds all bogus, but those were my memories for years before I tried looking them up once the Internet/World Wide Web was born. I went downhill from there, losing time, and dissociating. I wasn't really experiencing SRA as much as I was experiencing the effects of SRA from my father and his brother. Thankfully, such abuses didn't last that long, or at least in my broken memory, they didn't.

Nevertheless, I wonder. The dark alters who turned protector alters before they integrated with me only knew of the anger and internalized pain they felt from those glimpses. Those are the only dark alters I know of. Since I'm not fully integrated, who knows. But maybe I only received a milder version of all this type of abuse than others, who have experienced more direct abuses.

It scares me to think of all the images that raced through my mind over the years - images that possibly represent memories, not just psychotic-like features. It's debilitating. Sleep made it better.

These are things I've described to only two therapists in my lifetime - both with experience with treating DID. I've never revisited that chapter, and probably never will. I'm ashamed of those memories and thoughts. They are horrifying. Cult-like. Lots of sexual abuse, but not always with penetration.

"Stay strong," they told me. I used to hate that word, strong.

Now I live by my strengths. Gee, I wonder where I got that from? But I transformed something negative into something positive, so that is what matters.

What matters now is my well-being.

ADDING ON, EDIT:

Claire, a "secretary/analytical" alter has since been interested in what happened to my dad. She's wondered why he never received diagnoses, why he was acting out in bizarre ways, why he hated experiments, and why he changed personalities himself a lot.

Articles like these point to the issues my father may have been victim to: What We Know About the CIA's Midcentury Mind-Control Project
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Smart News
| Smithsonian

My father met his first wife in one of those institutions. My half-siblings were eventually all removed from them and placed immediately into foster care. Both my dad and his first wife (not my mom, whom he had met years later) were screwed up and highly abusive to their kids. Although they were responsible for their actions, hence, the CPS involvement at the time, their disabilities largely may have stemmed from post-experimental traumas affiliated with MK-Ultra at the time (hyphen inserted to make it harder to index).

Claire tried to explain this to me, and to some of the other alters in our system. It was almost as if she had a conspiracy theory going on, yet this is one of those conspiracy theories that did come true. Further, it would explain why it was hard for our system to manage around Easter time.

It's scary to read, as it brings up a lot of hard feelings and strange flash memories. My father hated substances, yet he was an alcoholic. He constantly accused his former children of taking drugs, and he absolutely despised LSD. I couldn't understand why he was always preaching his fears about what others can do to us in terms of torture and death. Overprotective father was an understatement.

He later divorced his wife and had had another, but his twins were quickly adopted at birth. Years later, he married my mom and had us kids. We were the only kids who lived with him throughout our childhood without any CPS involvement. Strange how we all survived through that, but my dad was kind when he wasn't intoxicated, and he was a loving dad at times, too. It was just hard when he was scary and threatening, such as when he beat my mom and then cornered me in my bedroom before I blacked out. An alter must have taken over, but those are the memories and alters who remain hidden, I suppose.

My uncle may have been involved in those experiments as well. I cannot remember who electrocuted me and maybe another part of me (an alter) in the garage, but it wasn't in our house. I knew it was outside of our house where the shocks occurred, and it was from someone in our family. My father invited his family in, but then later realized that they were abusing us, so we moved frequently and got away from them all. We were isolated. Despite my dad's best efforts, the effects of whatever WWII and experimentation caused him to abuse us without his realizing. He meant well, and then he didn't mean well. It was confusing. It was painful. But I loved him and was angered by the lack of support he had received from doctors who were supposed to help him. No one helped him, and he trusted no one to help him.

I was drugged when I was a child, and I was in and out of hospitals as well. No one suspected anything abusive. Everything was about my illnesses. I puked a lot. There were black scabs at one point. I laid naked on the couch because I was told it would calm my fever down. I was about 7 years old, or maybe 9, I cannot remember. I received my period at the age of 9. Blood reminded me of death. Everything became a trigger.

If only someone validated my father's pain and helped him. If only they treated my father for his psychiatric injuries, maybe us kids would not have been abused, and maybe we would all be fine.

I don't blame anyone today, just ignorance. I'm scared of authority figures for a vast majority of reasons, but I don't want to look insane. I'm not insane, just hurt. And, I want the world to be a safer place without violence. I believe research can help, but all the wacky science in the past leads me to believe that ethics were far from their practices. At least today they have ethics, but they still lack accountability. We need accountability to maintain peace and safety, even within the ranks of classified experimentation. They could have still had safety protocols of some sort.

I have to remind myself that today's science is safe. I believe it is. I just wished that they would acknowledge the special populations whose family members were affected by their own torture. When speaking about military families and veterans, they should have included WWII merchant marines as well as those who were affected by governmental experimentation. It wasn't just them that were harmed; us family members were, also.