Just sorta talking (sad)

What am I, what are we, really? Just a coping mechanism? Some mysterious supernatural forces?

Nah, all of this isn't anything other than someone "normal", better word is average or maybe they're within the mean of society. The DID has never been what I thought made us different. The PTSD, however, yeah I really believe that.



I'm angry anymore, and that isn't like me. It's as if one of our littles has taken the burden of my sadness. Now I'm left with rage, mostly towards myself.

I'm trying to change and be better for the others, but I feel like an outcast. What do outcasts do? More than anything, I settle for staying hidden in this apartment and trying to stay invisible.

I'm eating better now, so that's something, I guess. I'm being medicated for my mood, not the psychosis, but it's a start. The dx being discussed is schizoaffective disorder, but I'm not sure I buy that. Been misdiagnosed too many times. The DID and PTSD, no doubt, just not sure of anything else.

@Só leigheas

DID is such a controversial diagnosis. I have DID and PTSD, but DID often gets misdiagnosed by professionals who don't believe in the incidence/prevalence of DID, who don't believe in the treatments for DID, who conduct research on DID as having symptoms of psychosis and believe that anti-psychotic treatments are the cure, and/or who believe that DID is still an Axis II (multiple personality) disorder, as in many different personality disorders in one.

What I'd say, don't believe the hype. You know you best. Explain to your T's what your symptoms are. If, after explaining, they still decide to add on a new diagnosis or even change your diagnosis, then ask why. Request a second or third opinion.

I went from being social to having chronic fatigue syndrome and not being so social. I stay in my home and alone most days. I don't think I have social anxiety, especially since one therapist at the VA told me that she doesn't think I have social anxiety either. I do fear and avoid things that remind me of past traumas (hence, the PTSD), and I used to lose time in the past. However, once you get some treatment for DID and are co-conscious (i.e., no longer losing time), and if you have to seek a new T after your initial DID diagnosis, the new T may not take your history of DID into account and instead may look at your co-conscious symptoms as something else. Such a lack of continuity of care is what gets most people with "managed" DID a misdiagnosis, as opposed to a continuity of treatment. There haven't been many studies on this issue or problem. Most studies are on those with untreated DID, or with those who still lose time and overtly switch. There's a lack of research and therefore treatment for those who have "managed" DID, albeit unresolved because of the existing co-consciousness (i.e., lack of fusion/integration).

Given any misdiagnoses or false judgments, it is not surprising that you would feel anger. That dynamic of being misdiagnosed by a person in power is similar to the traumas we had experienced when a powerful other had misjudged us in so many disorganized and terrorizing ways that it affected our developing identities. The lack of authenticity we were supposed to have with the ability to express who we are and our feelings was hindered by powerful others telling us that we are supposed to be someone we are not; such reinforces the trauma and retraumatizes us.

It is my belief that those with DID, like us, do NOT lack a sense of self; instead, we've compartmentalized and hidden our sense of self. There are differences among the types of dissociation, and one that involves dissociative identities, well, they may be dissociative, but they are not lacking, hence the personalities that peer through whenever we need them to protect the body.

You are not alone. I mean, maybe we are physically alone in our own homes, but you know what I mean. You're among friends who struggle with similar things, and we all want safety.

You have a right to your feelings! You have a right to speak up for what you need! You have a right to feel safe!

I accept you as you are.

There sure is a lot to be angry about, isn't there.
But - haven't you been hurt enough?
The question is - how can all that rage be turned into something helpful?

I've been trying hard to figure that out.

My POV is that you are angry for a reason and you have to figure out what it is and acknowledge it. Then, you have to find meaning in life which is so hard for so many people with mental illness.

I found this podcast very helpful (Inside Schizophrenia: Motivation in Schizophrenia) - even if you don't have schizophrenia because lack of motivation is a feature of so many types of mental illness. Unfortunately, many people with mental illness do not have the support that Rachel has so they find themselves totally disconnected and alone. It is sad. I am sorry that you deal with sadness in your life so much.

Do you have good days sometimes? Do you have any goals?

I agree with @TunedOut and @Amyjay

Their advice is actually helping me with my sad anger.

Anger is such a hard emotion.

Tuningout, there are good days. Goals, I don't know. I do and I don't. Just don't see any point anymore.

grrrrr misdiagnoses and false judgments. Anger is ''normal'' when professionals do that imho..
(and the medication for mood isn't an option for me - btw that yawning emoticon is not about anyone on pc)
hugs
(sorry about the grrr post, I hope it doesn't trigger)