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Account Suspended
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: You'll never know
Posts: 940
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Nov 10, 2019 at 10:03 PM
#1
Even my intrusive thoughts are dissociated. I see my alter's pain and faintly feel it myself. I see my alter's memory, not my own. But it hurts me, too.
I experience "vicarious trauma" through my alters, but if my alters went through the rest of the abuse, and I only remember fragmented pieces of it happening to me, that becomes scary - almost too much to handle. I don't wanna go to therapy. It winds up being more painful whenever the therapy subdues my/our emotions, disbelieves DID/alters, doesn't understand the role of every alter, and doesn't hear my own voice apart from the alters' voices. I also feel victim-blamed and victim-shamed sometimes. It adds to the weight I'm already experiencing from the trauma. Why subdue what I'm trying to share? Why focus solely on coping skills when the way for me TO COPE is to share what I've experienced, share what my alters have experienced, share what intrusive thoughts are. I've contained them long enough! It's easier to share them online here. But it's also painful to be alone in my apartment while feeling all these emotions and seeing all these alters inside my head getting upset. I'm not schizophrenic or psychotic, but it feels that way sometimes - and it may sound that way to others. If my alters are me (which I know they are), then the body I have housing all of us struggles to feel emotion or express it. It's easier to envision it inside, but to put words to it instead. The betrayal wounds are even more painful. Why? --that's the question we keep asking ourselves. Why did this happen to me/us? Why did my life fall apart afterward? Why did I lose so much from this? Why am I still here? Why am I still feeling all of this, as if it just happened yesterday? Why do these feelings arise around the same time every year? Why can't I remember for myself? Why can't I just have only PTSD? Why can't I just have no mental illness for that matter? Why?     
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 Fuzzybear
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
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Nov 11, 2019 at 02:26 AM
#2
I think it depends on the therapy. We do not feel traumatised by our therapist. There are some really good ones out there.
In our therapy we are learning the abuse has already happened. It is over. We don't have to relive it over and over again. It's done. Our T helps us learn ways to keep the past in the past, and our feet in the present. And also to bring the ones who are stuck in the past into the present with us. It is done. It is over. They don't need to live through that loop anymore. Life is different now. We are finding this is so much better than getting triggered all the time and finding ourselves hijacked from within. Maybe one day you can find a way into the present for all of you too. |
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| Betty_Banana, Fuzzybear, Lilly2
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 Betty_Banana, Lilly2
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Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
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Nov 11, 2019 at 10:04 AM
#3
Quote:
I didn't have to face/deal with all of it before,if I was severely triggered I dissociated it away.Not anymore though. |
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| Lilly2
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Fuzzybear, Lilly2
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,325
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Nov 11, 2019 at 12:54 PM
#4
((( safe hugs )))
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