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Betty_Banana
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Default Nov 12, 2019 at 06:44 PM
  #1
There's really not much out there about life after full integration.There's info about integration and about the process but not much about life afterwards.

Or have I just overlooked all of it or haven't searched in the right places?
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Default Nov 13, 2019 at 07:04 PM
  #2
I don't know any good resourses, but am willing to share my experience.

I was really afraid of losing the ability to dissociate. It served me well over the years. I'm still able to, if need be. Happily I rarely ever need to now.

My alters were afraid they would die or vanish if we/I integrated. Don't know if it is like this for anyone else, but they/we are all still here. The person the outside world sees (what I consider "me") is able to tap into my inner selves as needed. My Little One is/was a terrified 5 year old. I've learned if she starts getting upset I need to look at my life to see why she feels threatened. Or if I feel my inner moorings starting to slip, I need to pay attention to what's causing it.

Again, I don't know if this applies to anyone else, but I view myself as similar to a puzzle block I have. It's made out of clear plastic. Each piece can exist on its own, but they all fit together to make the block. My parts are still all there, but I/we function together as a whole.

Does any of this make sense?
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Default Nov 13, 2019 at 09:08 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by lizardlady View Post
I don't know any good resourses, but am willing to share my experience.

I was really afraid of losing the ability to dissociate. It served me well over the years. I'm still able to, if need be. Happily I rarely ever need to now.

My alters were afraid they would die or vanish if we/I integrated. Don't know if it is like this for anyone else, but they/we are all still here. The person the outside world sees (what I consider "me") is able to tap into my inner selves as needed. My Little One is/was a terrified 5 year old. I've learned if she starts getting upset I need to look at my life to see why she feels threatened. Or if I feel my inner moorings starting to slip, I need to pay attention to what's causing it.

Again, I don't know if this applies to anyone else, but I view myself as similar to a puzzle block I have. It's made out of clear plastic. Each piece can exist on its own, but they all fit together to make the block. My parts are still all there, but I/we function together as a whole.

Does any of this make sense?
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's interesting that yours are all still with you and you can tap into them.And that you dissociate if you need to.

It's not like that for me,there's no one inside,nothing to tap into and I don't have a dissociative disorder anymore and only have normal dissociation.

Do you still have a DID diagnosis? Just curious since you still have insiders yet you all work together so seamlessly it doesn't sound like a "disorder".I don't have the diagnosis anymore, only a PTSD diagnosis.

I wish there was as much info,especially books about life after integration. There's like a gazillion books about DID and even some about integration but not about life afterwards.
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Default Nov 14, 2019 at 02:20 AM
  #4
A question, Betty -can you recognize your alters in aspects of your own self now? Or is it like they never existed at all?
I do wonder if a couple of our alters have integrated. One we were talking about in therapy the other day... when I realized we hadn't seen that part of us around for quite some time now. And then I was overcome with emotions and memories that previously would have been hers. It was odd. I wondered if she might have integrated, thus I was feeling and remembering "her" stuff.
It was odd. I suppose I didn't think of any part of me as being "her" still. There was just the awareness that the feelings and memories that I was experiencing used to be hers.
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Default Nov 14, 2019 at 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
A question, Betty -can you recognize your alters in aspects of your own self now? Or is it like they never existed at all?
I do wonder if a couple of our alters have integrated. One we were talking about in therapy the other day... when I realized we hadn't seen that part of us around for quite some time now. And then I was overcome with emotions and memories that previously would have been hers. It was odd. I wondered if she might have integrated, thus I was feeling and remembering "her" stuff.
It was odd. I suppose I didn't think of any part of me as being "her" still. There was just the awareness that the feelings and memories that I was experiencing used to be hers.
For me personally it's like they never existed at all now.It just seems and feels like that although logically I know it wasn't always that way.

For awhile after integration I did recognize and compare things to how they used to be.Like the first time I counted a high amount of cash and was able to do it I was thinking "wow,I used to not be able to do this,I would get triggered by a large amount of cash and switch into a child that didn't know how to count". Or if I was really mad about something I would think wow,I used to not even feel anger because it would trigger the one that dealt with it,etc etc etc

I rarely even think about it anymore really.But,just recently I was talking with someone about something from childhood,nothing traumatic or anything. I thought to myself wow,I used to not even know that,a different part did. It was just a bit surprising to realize I knew and had that memory.

IDK if a part of you has integrated or not.I think you will eventually figure it out if it has.I had times where my parts blended with me and I would feel their feelings and have their memories and then they would unblend again.That happened mostly towards full integration,and it would happen more and more.So I can't even guess what this is for you.

It sounds like a good thing though.
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Default Nov 14, 2019 at 10:53 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
There's really not much out there about life after full integration.There's info about integration and about the process but not much about life afterwards.

Or have I just overlooked all of it or haven't searched in the right places?
my opinion a little of both...

1, you are right there is not much out there.....
2. yes you might not be searching in the right place..

you know how I am always putting in my posts that the answers are all inside you and to contact ones own treatment providers....

that's where you will find what you need for after integration...

you have posted many times that you are integrated. So just playing the other side of the coin to maybe jog your creativity for a moment... how have you been managing since being integrated so many months or years ago?

it is those things that will work for you after integration....

for example....

you read my integration thread... so you know the process I went through and how my treatment providers and I addressed my having DID and what all aspects of the disorder is...

After integration this all came into play and still does....

I frequently post that my alters are still there just in a different way....

the reason I word it that way is because for me its not like they never existed...

my alters didn't leave, die or no longer exist. for if that happened I would not be here. the proof that they are still here is in the fact that I can feel a full range of emotions now, I can do things with full awareness of doing them when I couldn't before when I was not integrated.

when it rains sometimes I go out with my umbrella and think hi rainy thank you for all that you did for me when I was unable to do those things for myself. I can feel the things that used to be just hers but is now mine to feel.

Betty if you are integrated your alters still exist just in a different way. the proof of their existance is your existence. you are here able to post so obviously no alters of yours have died, because you have not died.

where to look for after integration info... inside you and to your treatment provider...

example if your after integration problem is understanding emotions, with your treatment providers help you can research things like "emotions" what are emotions, how to express emotions.... if your after integration problem is loneliness because you no longer hear the others then you and your treatment provider can research "lonliness" how to live after DID,

life after integration is all about learning how to manage ones own bills, banking account, learning how to cook and clean on your own, learning how to recognize emotions, triggers, problems …. inside your self now that those things are no longer dissociated...

one of my siblings summed my after integration life in a great way....As I watch you going through life after integration its like seeing you and the world in fresh eyes, the wonder, the innocence, the learning, like a baby learns to walk first by learning how to roll over, push up on to hands and knees, pull one self up along the furniture and venturing out one step at a time, so are you.

after integration there was so much therapy work, physical work, .. in some respects being integrated actually is harder and more traumatizing and frankly for some gathers more attention from some of my treatment providers than not being integrated did.

example when I wasn't integrated I wasn't feeling angry, wasn't feeling suicidal and rarely self harmed. why because my DID was dissociative / trigger related. any time I encountered a trigger the alter whos job was to handle that trigger took control and handled it. I didn't have to self harm, and all that to ease the pressures, escape the problems.

After integration bam emotions every which way, feeling my life was out of control, suicidal, needing to find ways to escape meant self injury.... because the alters were not handling the triggers any more. I wasn't dissociating to that extreme any more and had to learn how to handle everything with out the use of dissociation.

life after integration is one heck of a ball of melted wax called grounding, and learning about those things that most children, teens and adults normally learn about in life... even now I am constantly calling my treatment provider and saying ok new problem how do I ……. I need your help with this ….

my point betty is look at your own life, find your triggers, find your emotions, find your way through being self caring, self nurturing... like my treatment provider told me....if your friends and family came to you with this problem what would you tell them... how would you teach them to find their triggers, use grounding, learn what emotions are, learn how to take care of their basic needs and wants...that's life after integration. just like before integration you had a problem and either reached solutions to your problem or you contacted your treatment provider.

that's how I have been finding my way through this giant ball of wax that Im trying to mold into a beautiful candle named life.

another tip reread your past posts. you have shared many examples of your life after integration that can help you in the hard times. sometimes when I need help with my post integration issues I come to psych central and read my past posts, they sometimes jog my brain into creativity and action where my post integration issues are concerned.
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Default Nov 14, 2019 at 07:22 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by amandalouise View Post
my opinion a little of both...

1, you are right there is not much out there.....
2. yes you might not be searching in the right place..

you know how I am always putting in my posts that the answers are all inside you and to contact ones own treatment providers....

that's where you will find what you need for after integration...

you have posted many times that you are integrated. So just playing the other side of the coin to maybe jog your creativity for a moment... how have you been managing since being integrated so many months or years ago?

it is those things that will work for you after integration....

for example....

you read my integration thread... so you know the process I went through and how my treatment providers and I addressed my having DID and what all aspects of the disorder is...

After integration this all came into play and still does....

I frequently post that my alters are still there just in a different way....

the reason I word it that way is because for me its not like they never existed...

my alters didn't leave, die or no longer exist. for if that happened I would not be here. the proof that they are still here is in the fact that I can feel a full range of emotions now, I can do things with full awareness of doing them when I couldn't before when I was not integrated.

when it rains sometimes I go out with my umbrella and think hi rainy thank you for all that you did for me when I was unable to do those things for myself. I can feel the things that used to be just hers but is now mine to feel.

Betty if you are integrated your alters still exist just in a different way. the proof of their existance is your existence. you are here able to post so obviously no alters of yours have died, because you have not died.

where to look for after integration info... inside you and to your treatment provider...

example if your after integration problem is understanding emotions, with your treatment providers help you can research things like "emotions" what are emotions, how to express emotions.... if your after integration problem is loneliness because you no longer hear the others then you and your treatment provider can research "lonliness" how to live after DID,

life after integration is all about learning how to manage ones own bills, banking account, learning how to cook and clean on your own, learning how to recognize emotions, triggers, problems …. inside your self now that those things are no longer dissociated...

one of my siblings summed my after integration life in a great way....As I watch you going through life after integration its like seeing you and the world in fresh eyes, the wonder, the innocence, the learning, like a baby learns to walk first by learning how to roll over, push up on to hands and knees, pull one self up along the furniture and venturing out one step at a time, so are you.

after integration there was so much therapy work, physical work, .. in some respects being integrated actually is harder and more traumatizing and frankly for some gathers more attention from some of my treatment providers than not being integrated did.

example when I wasn't integrated I wasn't feeling angry, wasn't feeling suicidal and rarely self harmed. why because my DID was dissociative / trigger related. any time I encountered a trigger the alter whos job was to handle that trigger took control and handled it. I didn't have to self harm, and all that to ease the pressures, escape the problems.

After integration bam emotions every which way, feeling my life was out of control, suicidal, needing to find ways to escape meant self injury.... because the alters were not handling the triggers any more. I wasn't dissociating to that extreme any more and had to learn how to handle everything with out the use of dissociation.

life after integration is one heck of a ball of melted wax called grounding, and learning about those things that most children, teens and adults normally learn about in life... even now I am constantly calling my treatment provider and saying ok new problem how do I ……. I need your help with this ….

my point betty is look at your own life, find your triggers, find your emotions, find your way through being self caring, self nurturing... like my treatment provider told me....if your friends and family came to you with this problem what would you tell them... how would you teach them to find their triggers, use grounding, learn what emotions are, learn how to take care of their basic needs and wants...that's life after integration. just like before integration you had a problem and either reached solutions to your problem or you contacted your treatment provider.

that's how I have been finding my way through this giant ball of wax that Im trying to mold into a beautiful candle named life.

another tip reread your past posts. you have shared many examples of your life after integration that can help you in the hard times. sometimes when I need help with my post integration issues I come to psych central and read my past posts, they sometimes jog my brain into creativity and action where my post integration issues are concerned.
Thanks for your reply.

I know that my alters didn't leave or die of course.My definition of an alter is an "alternate personality " and for me personally no,they're not still with me,there are no alters.I have different sides to myself as everyone does but not alters.I said it's like they never existed meaning I don't experience life as I did before with DID,I don't experience the alters in any way whatsoever anymore.It's all just me,I experience everything as just ne,there's no them or they,just me.All the thoughts, feelings, memories etc are all me and belong to me.I would never talk to one,say hi and thank them for all they do for me because there's no one there to say that to.

I get what you're saying though,that they're still there but in a different way because all those different alters were me to begin with.And technically that's true but the point I was trying to make is I don't experience alters anymore.I dont consider them still there at all and I don't know what wording to use to explain it besides saying it 'seems and feels as if they never existed" because that to me is the opposite of what I experienced with DID.I dont remember what life was like before DID of course to compare a before and after so this is the best explanation I can give.

I know alters didn't die or leave or disappear or any other silly thing like that.But to get
technical, they were never real people to begin with,there was never other people inside my body.I was suffering from a mental illness due to abuse.So really,how can they still be there when they were never really there to begin with?That's my perception,my belief about it.

When I make a batch of brownies I mix all the separate ingredients together,put them in one at a time and mix them all together. I bake those ingredients together and boom,I have a pan of brownies.I don't think of it as flour,sugar and all the other ingredients, it's just a pan of brownies. That's basically how integration has been for me.

I appreciate hearing about other people's integration experiences and after integration,I also appreciate my own,knowing it's my experience. And actually, that's why I started this thread,because I'm curious and interested in other experiences of life after integration.I guess I should have stated that in my first post in this thread.And I wish there were books about it and other info because it's interesting to me.

...And also because sometimes I feel alone in this.People assume integration is a cure all and then you live happily ever after.It's not like that for me,it's hard having to face and deal with everything. I wish there was info and people saying hey,you're not alone,I understand completely.
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Default Nov 15, 2019 at 03:40 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
For me personally it's like they never existed at all now.It just seems and feels like that although logically I know it wasn't always that way.

For awhile after integration I did recognize and compare things to how they used to be.Like the first time I counted a high amount of cash and was able to do it I was thinking "wow,I used to not be able to do this,I would get triggered by a large amount of cash and switch into a child that didn't know how to count". Or if I was really mad about something I would think wow,I used to not even feel anger because it would trigger the one that dealt with it,etc etc etc

I rarely even think about it anymore really.But,just recently I was talking with someone about something from childhood,nothing traumatic or anything. I thought to myself wow,I used to not even know that,a different part did. It was just a bit surprising to realize I knew and had that memory.

IDK if a part of you has integrated or not.I think you will eventually figure it out if it has.I had times where my parts blended with me and I would feel their feelings and have their memories and then they would unblend again.That happened mostly towards full integration,and it would happen more and more.So I can't even guess what this is for you.

It sounds like a good thing though.
Thanks for your thoughtful and relevant response!
And don't worry, I wasn't asking you (and wouldn't dream of asking you) if you thought that part had integrated in me. The only ones any of us can be experts about is our own selves, right?
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Default Nov 15, 2019 at 08:23 AM
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Thanks for your thoughtful and relevant response!
And don't worry, I wasn't asking you (and wouldn't dream of asking you) if you thought that part had integrated in me. The only ones any of us can be experts about is our own selves, right?
Yes,exactly,we can only be experts about ourselves.I think that's a huge thing for those with DID,those going through integration, etc.,staying true to their own personal experiences. It's what helped me heal from DID and no longer having the diagnosis.All the things I talked about in therapy,all my experiences were/are mine.It wouldn't have been/be helpful to tell my therapist how I thought/think it should be or what I had read or heard anyone else say,of course.

I knew you weren't asking if a part had integrated. I was just making sure you knew I wasn't trying to tell you whether it had or not but that I had similar experiences. That's how I feel it should be,share experiences without saying that's how it is or should be for anyone else.
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Default Dec 24, 2019 at 06:52 PM
  #10
I found the movie Sybil to show a good life after integration.
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Default Sep 21, 2020 at 02:59 PM
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It's been awhile since I posted in this thread so I decided to bump it up.

(I just want to add that MY integration/after integration is and was MY OWN personal experience.
It's not something that is exactly the same for every person. )

I would love to hear others thoughts and experiences with integration, especially after integration. Just out of curiosity.
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Default Sep 21, 2020 at 03:33 PM
  #12
I’ve read these forums for years and joined to comment on a thread of yours ages ago. I want you to know I really appreciate your insight and thoughts. What you’ve shared about your experience integration has been really helpful for me.

I don’t have a lot to share about my experience as I think It’s still very early in the process for me. I think what I struggle with the most is adjusting to the how to aspect. Hard to explain... I often find I feel like I am relearning how to live in the world and if can be frustrating and exhausting.

I’m thankful for your post.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 03:47 PM
  #13
Thanks Winterwater

I appreciate it!!
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Default Oct 10, 2020 at 08:25 PM
  #14
I don't know that our front ones have "integrated" but it sure feels like we are in process of integrating. Time seems so long these days. Weekends go on forever instead of disappearing in a blink. We are often very self-confused... when we talk about another front one in therapy we get confused about saying "her" or "she" as it feels like self. We now often feel like we don't know who we are, whereas we used to be quite certain of our individual selves, and each knew quite well what was our individual "me" and what was "other". Our memories are mushed - what used to belonged to "other" now feels like mine.
It's all very weird and slow and confusing.
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 08:23 PM
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I don't know that our front ones have "integrated" but it sure feels like we are in process of integrating. Time seems so long these days. Weekends go on forever instead of disappearing in a blink. We are often very self-confused... when we talk about another front one in therapy we get confused about saying "her" or "she" as it feels like self. We now often feel like we don't know who we are, whereas we used to be quite certain of our individual selves, and each knew quite well what was our individual "me" and what was "other". Our memories are mushed - what used to belonged to "other" now feels like mine.
It's all very weird and slow and confusing.
I can relate to what you're saying.

I could especially relate to you saying time seems so slow. After I reached full integration I told my T that I felt bored and had to find ways to pass the time. Before integration I always felt like I was chasing time but could never quite catch up to it.

I understand your confusion,Hang in there.
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Default Oct 16, 2020 at 05:54 AM
  #16
Yes, I have always felt that I couldn't catch up time or get enough of it too. It always just "went" and I have always had such a sense of panic about time.
But now it is dread. for having so much of it. It's near the start of the weekend and I have no idea what to do with so many hours. I have never experienced this before recently.
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