Then vs now

Have you ever happened on something that you did 20 years ago and have that …….wow..... moment?

that's what happened to me this past week. I was up in the attic, going through some stuff that I hadn't seen for years. I was looking for a very special Christmas ornament that had gotten misplaced in a rush years ago when NY went through a natural disaster that had taken my and my wifes previous home. when it was safe to come collect our things we put our things in mesh bags, laid them out on a friends lawn to dry then after everything was dry we repacked things away, placed them in a storage unit until we had bought our new home a few years back. everything from the storage unit went straight to the attic to be gone over as we needed things. This way our living area would not be a mess of containers in the way. over the past few years we have been visiting the attic more and more clearing out those packed containers as time allowed. putting up our chrismas decorations it dawned on us that a very special ornament was missing.

While going through the containers to find out if that ornament was gone forever or if it was just misplaced I came across a plastic bag with papers inside them. the papers were worn and water damaged but still readable. On one was a website address, log in and password. I brought it down and went to the computer.

the website address turned out to still be an active site. the log in and password turned out to still be usable. it was an old online journal back in my first year of college when I first found out that I had DID. I was so surprised at how back in my beginning days of figuring out my having DID, the way I wrote was so very much different than how I write today.

in my beginning days my focus was not narrowed to just one or two problems. but yet writing from an integrated persons point of view my writing tends to focus more on one or two problems.

In my beginning days my problems were not centered on the same problem or problems over and over again, my problems were so many that I had to reread what I had wrote many times in order to understand what that entry was about. back in those days I had so many dissociation symptoms on a daily basis..

Examples...

"In therapy last week my therapist asked me to keep track of how many times I felt my Dissociation symptoms. When I was talking he wrote things. then he gave me what he wrote. every time I said a dissociation symptom he wrote it down. numb unfeeling cant remember, space cadet sinking. He wanted me to keep track this week how many times it happened. I felt mental numb / unfeeling 28 times (then details of every time I noticed feeling mentally numb/ unfeeling, 5 pages worth) I felt like I was sinking into the floor 13 times (details in every part of my life that week when I felt this way) cant remember 87 times I didn't remember something, looked up and was doing something different from what I was doing (details in all different areas of my life that week when this happened.)… "

one journal entry on my DID symptoms was so vast and so many symptoms that it took up a whole 70 page notebook just for that one week of journaling about my dissociation symptoms. There were a total of 52 notebooks that were 70 pages each and each one was just for one weeks worth of journal writing. the wording of the journal entries did not contain any professional words like "dissociation" "I dissociated" "when I dissociated" " when I switched" the wording was that of someone who knew nothing about DID, dissociation. it was more "me feeling this or that" focused.

From an integrated persons point of view when I write a journal entry about my weeks worth of dissociation problems, the entry is much more organized and focused on one main problem that I had this week and problem solving based....

Example....

This week I felt so dissociated. The dissociation symptom I had was depersonalization. I felt like I was slowing moving downwards or side ways into the floor or walls. I was in Macy's when a drunk person passed me. When I felt dissociated I found a quiet area between a couple displays, reminded myself to breath, then I did a short grounding exercise. When a store employee saw me he asked me if I was alright. I smiled and told him yes just taking a short break from the stress and crowd. Thank you so much for asking.

with the holiday stress and problems and with new years just a few days away, finding those journals this week put this whole journey into perspective for me. It was a very eye opening experience to see just how far I have come from being a "beginner writing about my DID" to what and how I am now writing about my DID and dissociation problems from an integrated point of view of being an integrated person looking back on those days.

I could not resist but to come on here last few days rereading my posts here to see if I could pin point whether I was writing my posts from my "beginners" point of view or from my "integrated" point of view and wording.

My posts here its very clear I was and am writing them from the point of view of an integrated person point of view of the days gone by.

Now that I have been doing this going to all the sites Im a member of and rereading all my posts to see the progression of my posts from beginner posting style and wording to integrated posting style and wording I have noticed a pattern. that all my posts for the past 10-12 years here on psych central and other places clearly shows the wording, concepts, problems, solutions of an integrated person.

this does have one downfall. I have a friend who asked me to go through their journals, they are trying to put theirs into book format. Like me they grew up on the reservation where the native language is most used. they want my help in translating, (imagine that I have come so far in mastering the written English language that someone else wants me to translate their written work )

this person also is an integrated person but I did not know this until I read their journal entries that they had already translated and rewrote and recognized the differences in writing from a "beginner" and integrated. I asked her if she was trying to convey the feeling of being a beginner or if she was trying to convey being integrated looking back. She smiled and said "how did you know?" I explained I too was integrated from DID and see in others writing the pattern now that I see it in my own the differences in wring patterns of a beginner and that of someone much farther in their journey then they are letting on, in other word shes trying to be what she was not any more. I showed her how to translate her journals with out losing the tone, wording and so forth of a beginner since shes trying to convey the "beginning" for the first section of her book. luckily she took my ability to recognize "beginner writing" in me and her writing as a positive, not many would feel the same way.

and yes I found our special ornament. when each child was born my wife and I had their first picture after birth picture and their last sonogram picture made into a picture preserved keep sake christmas tree ornament to be passed down to them for their first adult Christmas tree.. the oldest childs special ornament was missing. since we put up the others this year on the tree we wanted to put the oldest childs ornament up on the tree too.

merry Christmas/ happy holidays everyone that celebrates. I wish you all the holidays go well for you and that you will find your …….Wow...… moment in your healing path as well.