Why did you decide to integrate

Do you ever wish you hadn't?
What were the reasons you did?

Following

Personally,I really don't understand those that say they "chose" or " decided" to integrate. If you read the thread on integration that amandalouise has you will understand why I say that. It's a process not a thing where you just say ok,I think I will become integrated and boom it happens.

After my diagnosis I just wanted to get better, whatever that took,whatever that meant. Who wouldn't want to get better? DID seems to be like the only mental illness that people say they don't want to recover from.I don't understand that at all,I honestly don't. Maybe it's because the way the disorder presents itself those that suffer from it really believe there's different people inside of them? IDK but from my own experience it was that I didn't understand what integration actually was or meant that made it seem something to be afraid of.

I think some embrace DID as something special,a unique and different way of being that sets them apart from other people or something. Or as a way to get attention, proof of that is all the other forums out there that people use to flaunt ,brag,compare,etc.and all the wanna- be DID'ers out there.Do you ever see forums like that for BPD,schizophrenia,depression or any other mental disorder? I haven't.

Do I wish integration hadn't happened? Of course not,why would anyone wish they hadn't recovered? I do get frustrated at times though because actually having to deal with things,having to feel everything with no shut off valve can be hard at times.Plus there's just not much info out there about it or very many people to connect with that can relate to what it's like to basically live your life in one way and then have to adjust to another way.

Also,I notice there's different definitions used for what integration is.For some it means cooperation and coconsciousness for example.,different than my definition and experience So I suppose it depends on what your definition is.

I guess my reply didn't need to be so lengthy but IDK, I just have many thoughts about it from a personal perspective.

My question to you is why wouldn't you want to integrate? What would be reasons to stay mentally unwell? What would the benefits be? It served you well in childhood and helped you survive but in what ways is it beneficial as an adult?

I feel that if I integrated for one new ones are popping out all of the time. I don't even have a handle on who they are so I couldn't possibly integrate as of yet. Also, I am afraid I would be in less control if I integrated. I'm certain that was part of the reason they were created. For control over things I felt helpless against.

I doubt they're actually "new" ones popping out,just new to your awareness.

You're still at the beginning of your treatment I don't really think you should even worry about integration right now.

I don't think alters are created to control anything but instead created due to things out of a child's control.A way to cope with overwhelming trauma.I think you may have it backwards.

By saying I think you may have it backwards I mean integration is being in control of yourself whereas having the disorder causes loss of control.Switching into different alters isn't exactly being in control is it?

Working towards integration is a long process. Personally my system and I are years off full integration, though I can sense that us at the front are moving closer together as we share more, understand more and are increasingly co-conscious with each other.
But, there are still many parts of this system that we don't know and I am certain there are still some that we don't even know of, yet.
We definitely do want to integrate though. Why? Because I want to fully own my own life, my own story, and my own mind. I don't want to experience alters "taking over" my life. I want to experience my life, and I want to be able to experience the full range of life's experiences.

I think I split because I wouldn't been able to deal with conflicting feelings about myself and someone else. So me splitting did give me some control. I think I have more control as these separate alters and I'm afraid if I integrated them it could be dangerous.

Ok,if you say so.I don't want to disagree or debate what you say your truth is.

One thing though,are you sure you're using the word control in the right context? It's not really " control" when you're doing and saying things you don't want to.It's not control if you are switching into different alters when triggered. It's not control when you are clearly struggling so much so often.Doesnt that sound more like being out of control?

Do you mean you split off as a way to cope?

There's a huge difference in controlling and coping.

You don't have to answer/respond, just giving you something to think about.

Also,why this sudden concern about integration? Really,you would be better off not even worrying about that right now.

Yes, that's what I mean as a way to cope. I'm just thinking about integration as a possible thing in the future not interested in it at all right now.