The Other Half

I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), which can, at times, have its benefits such as: A wider perspective but the lack for empathy. Overall, I could be considered a high functioning and productive member of society. However, there's one small problem... my other personality is a high functioning sociopath. Her exterior is the same as mine, except for the beam of hatred being directed at anyone, constantly anger due to past events, a laundry list more of other flaws. The worse part of all of that is: her manipulative nature and high intelligence. Awhile ago, I lived with my aunt and she was 'trying' to be manipulative and I played along knowing full well what she was trying to do, until a week later and became bored playing cat and mouse with a child.

I saw through every move she tried and failed at, and I became insulted, I guess, by her poor decisions to practically imprison me in her house obligations. I felt insulted because she gave those who resisted being manipulative a bad name. To be honest, I could go back and have her wrap around my finger, I don't however because it is a waste of time and boring to me.

Once I began to think of the ways I could manipulative my original persona returned and I'd just about forgotten all of it. I guess as a safeguard it is just something my mind does. Every time I look at people I see them as bridges, no matter how silly or dumb hey be, they become like potential in my eyes. Honestly, I strongly dislike both halfs of myself, my original because it is capable of being a functioning sociopath and my other half because it is sociopath, exactly what I don't like.

My other half says it is the result of a painful past that I refused to forgive but only forgot because I shifted it away, and that I should accept it as a part of me. That it is in pain everyday, constantly reliving it while I carry on. But how can I accept a part of me, much less love, that I don't want to be?

Wow. That sounds like a handful for anyone to deal with. Are you in therapy, by any chance?

I just recently diagnosed with DDNOS. Misdiagnosed as Bipolar for 7 years! I’m just now discovering the voices are my alters so I’m new to this and learning as I go. I have a specific alter I believe is a sociopath and it is hard to deal with and to own up to because it’s terrifying. She is full of hatred, likes to manipulate and will manipulate, she thinks of horrible things and she wants to be in control but I fight back and don’t allow her to. I describe her as evil to my therapist, that’s the easiest way to put it. All the energy she takes up being evil is draining and I, MYSELF, do not want to be a sociopath, I don’t want to hurt people.. So I feel like it’s an internal battle most days and I do my best to avoid people who would trigger her. Which is people in general 🤦🏻*♀️ I wish she would tone down, not necessarily go away because she keeps us safe in certain circumstances. She has one of my abusers terrified of her so that I don’t mind. He’s a nasty nasty “man”! 😒 I wish you luck and just always remember you’re the one in control, don’t let them win over and do bad things. Much love ❤️