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Rive1976
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Trig Feb 15, 2020 at 12:28 PM
  #1
I realized I have done some crappy things but it's not who I am. Quite the contrary actually. I've never lost time that I can remember. I love animals. I'm the first person to feed a stray, care for a wounded animal, I love animals and give them lots of kisses and hugs. I would give them food if it meant I didn't eat. Sometimes in my past I have been very different. I have smashed a kittens paw in the cage door. I have stood there and debated letting a black widow bite my dogs( I used to have) foot. I have gotten excited about 25 kittens having to get euthanized when in other instances I would be absolutely devasted by that and crying. I'm wondering how I would know if this switch in identity would be some kind of personality disorder versus some kind of dissociative disorder. Any advice would be great. TIA
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Default Feb 15, 2020 at 01:45 PM
  #2
I wish I had some insight about what you ask, but sadly I don't. Do you think that perhaps a consultation with a professional therapist might help you in your quest for answers?

I think that if people are honest and truthful, everyone would admit to having been both kind and cruel to others in life including towards animals.

I don't remember much about my childhood but I remember asking my father to get rid of insects in the house that I was scared of. I still eat meat although I realize that livestock is often treated cruelly and inhumanely. At the same time I remember feeling very badly when as a I child I noticed other children stepping on ants just for "fun."

Life is a journey. It seems like you have more insight into things than many people. If you are afflicted with a mental health problem you are less responsible for your actions than others.

Sometimes people labeled as "cruel" have gone on to become great humanitarians. The German Industrialist, Oskar Schindler was once a Nazi and responsible for many deaths. But later in life he rescued many people.

Although we cannot change the past, we can often change or at least influence the future. I don't know what the last chapter or your book will be . . . or mine. Hopefully we will all become as kindly as possibile given the limitations we face, including the limitations imposed by our mental illnesses which are often huge impediments to our freedom.

Each of us are hemmed in by limitations. None of us are infinite beings with infinite knowledge and power and perfection. It is perhaps rare that our deepest desires are not twisted this way and that by things we did not choose and which impede the full exercise of our free will. How often do people act with full knowledge and full freedom of will without any impediments? How often do we do things that we will with 100% of our being . . . with all out hearts, minds and strength?

If we are called to be compassionate to others in their weakness and falls, are we not called to be the same towards ourselves? How can we be people of mercy and compassion if we do not have mercy and compassion for ourselves?

I'm a newcomer here on these Forums, but I see you have many posts here and I'm absolutely positive your posts have helped so many people. Sometimes even sharing negative experiences is so helpful in that it shatters the terrible isolation and loneliness that people feel trapped in their own personal anguish and pain. These kinds of sharing are healing and even life saving.

I think it would be a mistake to think that saving lives is something that only critical care workers do or something that is only done in once in a life history making feats. There is a quiet, uncelebrated life saving going on and I think you are one of these heroes.

Wish I knew what else to say. Apologies to you if anything I have said has made you feel bad. Hopefully others here will have more profound and better thoughts for you! -- Yaowen
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Default Feb 16, 2020 at 01:34 PM
  #3
It is a mighty good thing to work on the issues, so that you may buy/work(occupational/socialization) for animals or do certain things. I have went on this journey and it is quite revealing and I am proud of myself for knowing just a little bit more about my history.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 03:43 PM
  #4
I have Antisocial Personality Disorder with heavy psychopathic traits, so whether what I experience counts as dissociation seems to depend on who you talk to. It's not my diagnosis, though.

Nonetheless, for the sake of comparison, I also feed stray animals. I give a lot of money to homeless people, and I donate to charities. I love animals, and tend to have a very calming effect on them. Most people who know me in person consider me friendly and nice. I've been told that I'm the kind of person you would want your daughter to date.

I'm also an under-handed scumbag and a sadist. I lie pathologically, and I'm incredibly self-centered. I've harshly abused friends, significant others, and pets. Most people who get close to me have told me that I'm sick, or that there's something seriously wrong with me. Oddly enough, only one of them has ever actually called me a sociopath, but I've been called a manipulative and predatory control freak.

Neither one of these is more me than the other. They're just two sides of the same coin. I don't consider myself a nice or a mean person. When I'm nice and benevolent, I'm not faking it any more than when I'm mean and malevolent.

Now, in your case, kids are often really cruel. Despite my diagnosis, I have been told by my psychologist that (s)he hates when they diagnose kids with Conduct Disorder, because most kids are just being kids and they grow out of their troubling behavior. So if this is something you did when you were young, or even a teenager, it's possible that it's not that out of the ordinary.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 08:47 PM
  #5
I was diagnosed almost a year ago with DID but I am starting to think that I have some sort of personality disorder instead. I do have voices. They are more like thoughts though that sound like kids. The reason I don't think it's DID is because I don't see them. They don't tell me their names. I don't dissociate (besides when talking about uncomfortable things in therapy but that's only happened a hand full of times) Also because when I started noticing this bad person I was 14. When I was young I was very sweet and caring. I noticed at 14 a side that thought tragic things were funny. I can feel my facial expressions change but it's foreign to me because I don't want to smile about a house fire. I didn't really do anything mean until I was in my mid to late twenties. Then I did those mean things I previously wrote. I don't know if it's the same "person" that thinks tragic things are funny and has done those mean things. I just don't know what is going on with me. People that I have talked to on other forums say it doesn't fit them and people on the personality disorder forums (elsewhere as well) say it doesn't fit them. I'm just feeling so lonely. I just know when I do those things it doesn't feel like me. It feels like a sadistic person.

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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 12:36 AM
  #6
I'm not a mental health professional or a psychologist, so don't take what I'm saying here at face-value, but I have known people diagnosed with schizophrenia who report almost the exact same thing. Hearing voices, inappropriate emotional responses to stimuli, command hallucinations, etc. DID is the new over-diagnosis now. Before that it was depression, and before that it was ADHD. You might want to get a secondary or even a tertiary opinion on your diagnosis if you can. It might help elucidate your issues, if not surmount them.
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