reverting to a younger age

hello. a new issue has come up in therapy recently. she told me she thinks i have a disorder "similar" to DID but not quite. she couldn't recall the name and i'm lost as well. she recommends that i see a psychiatrist, but i obviously can't right now due to the pandemic. quarantine will last quite a while so i wanted to post somewhere to ease my mind since i can't stop thinking about it.

i've dissociated since i was as young as 8 years old, but i don't recall experiencing anything beyond dpdr. however it seems to have worsened as of late (i am now 18 and i started noticing this when i was 16.) when my therapist asks me some questions, especially about my childhood, i am unable to answer. i freeze up and have a panic attack, then i revert to a childlike state. i go back to anywhere from age 9 to age 13. i am aware of what happens and don't experience any amnesia, but it's like the current me is watching younger me from the sidelines.

i didn't think this experience could be recreated outside of therapy...but then i had sex for the first time. i regressed when my boyfriend touched me. i just stared at the ceiling and cried, refusing to speak or look at him.

i know i can't be diagnosed over the internet, but it would be nice to know if, at least, anybody relates to what i am experiencing or can offer any advice.

Dear Carnival Doll,

I do not have knowledge or experience of what you describe, but I hope that others who do will see your post and respond to it. The human brain is so mysterious and it is difficult to know why it does what it does to us. So very sorry that I could not be helpful to you.

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen

Hi!

These days it is commonly thought that dissociation is a spectrum. On one end, there is extreme dissociation resulting in distinct personalities with no co-consciousness whatsoever. On the other end are fairly common experiences such as daydreaming or driving a car on autopilot, not remembering much of the trip home but just realizing "Oh, I'm home already".

Like you said, diagnoses can't be made over the internet and honestly there is no hurry to make a diagnosis. What *really* matters is your experience, how it affects you and that's what you can work with your therapist. At least you know you have a child part that comes up when touched a certain way (such as when your boyfriend touched you in an intimate situation).

In situations like that, you could talk to your younger self like you would to a child that age, and comforting them that everything is okay. One thing that I really found fun and grounding with my therapist, is throwing a ball back and forth, but every time you throw the ball you have to name a color you see. You can also throw a ball (or a small beanbag, or anything like it) by yourself. It's also quite fun for a child part. You can look up other grounding exercises online and find ones that you think would be good.

It would also be really great if you could talk about this with your boyfriend so he knows how to act if it happens again. Some people find these things quite hard to understand, but you could tell him you think something bad has happened to you and that's why you can sometimes become scared when touched. It's probably best to wait a while until resuming sexual activities, even if the child part is comforted. I tend to read mine to sleep - we always loved stories, especially ones with birds.

Hope this helps a little!
- Twilight

花鳥風月

c'est tout ce que j'aime

Trigger Warning....


Can I talk to ur alter?
9 and 10 please help with binge eating act like ur tummy is too small like when he harmed u

huh? and i can't do it by choice

thank you so much for the response! it does help a lot!

thank you!