[nestingnurture]

So this is a long story.

My husband (28M) and I (27F) have been together for +10 years, married for 1.5 years. We had just bought a house and used all our waken hours painting, getting it ready and have bought furniture for our future home… or so I thought.

We were packing in moving boxes 7 days ago when he said we needed to talk. He told me that we would only be moving my stuff and he would be staying in the apartment. He said he wanted to decide things for himself and be himself, find out who he is, and he had a hard time seeing himself romantically involved with me anymore. I am of course heartbroken, and feel humiliated by his timing. I thought our best days were to come with all the dreams and hopes for the house, and just having more space (we used to live in a studio apartment).

To put into perspective I got pretty bad OCD ~2 years ago, which I underwent treatment for. As I was so sick he had a sort of guardian role where he would take care of most things, and at the same time I would be very controlling because I could not handle getting my OCD triggered. As I got better I did not manage to stop being controlling. I would always insist on the last word. I know, I know. I was suffocating him. So I get why he wants to try to live without control. We also had very bad arguments. And he has told me before I needed to stop being controlling, however only in arguments and we never sat down afterwards and talked about our problems

I am just so broken and do not want a divorce. He says he wants a month alone to think about it. I have a hard time not contacting him, and as we work in the same place, different buildings however it is just so hard for me. I have proposed couples therapy but he does not seem interested. It appears to me as if he wants to break up directly, he has also moved half of our finances from our bank account. I have also told him I am aware I will have to put a lot of work into making it work if he should decide to give us another chance. I know very well I have not been a good partner in recent times, and there is no excuse, I just did not know how to proceed after getting better, bad habits in our relationship just stuck.

What makes it worse is that he has a crush on a coworker and I am afraid if he acts upon it. I know it is natural to have a crush once in a while in a relationship, so I am not mad at him. I just can’t stand he sees her everyday, and what if she likes him back? And I am so sad because I do not feel like I was very present or caring in our relationship in our last couple months

What am I doing now:

- I have moved into the house, trying to better myself, and it is so hard to live alone but I am trying to do a lot of chores and be the best version.

- No contact! I have promised myself I should not contact him to give him space but I have slipped up a few times, and been acting desperate ugh.

PLEASE HELP!

Do you have any advice?
Do you think it has a chance?
Can he regain the romantic interest? If so, what can I do?
How can I assure him I will act different this time?

[Rose76]

I'm sorry you got what sounds like a kick in the gut. I hear you taking a lot of responsibility for the breakdown in this relationship. It's always good to own your part in creating a situation. Our own behavior is all that we can really change. However, your husband must have some issues with his own mental health.

Your husband marries you after knowing you for over 8 years. Then, a year later, he agrees to buy a house with you. Shortly after that, he says he needs to be on his own. Something is wrong with this man. Whatever faults you may have, he didn't just discover them recently. To get as deep into a relationship as he got, including making a marital commitment and buying a home, and then suddenly back out of the whole thing is the behavior of a guy who's not very stable. I think you would do well to recognize that it is the both of you who have psychological problems . . . not just you. In a way, that's bad news because you can work on changing you, but you can't change him. This is a man who doesn't really know what the heck he wants. He sounds rather irresponsible to me. People who complain about being controlled are usually complicit in that dynamic. He's a follower. He followed you for over 10 years, winding up married and getting a house. And now he doesn't like where he's at. So he's running out. Even if you get him back, he's not going to be a reliable partner. He's not solid inside. Maybe you became controlling because he is weak.

You must feel very lonely. Give him a chance to get lonely too. Don't call him, and see what happens. Also, find yourself a good divorce attorney to help you protect your share of the assets in this marriage. Him taking that money out of the bank is a red flag. Plus, it sounds like he did it *sneaky.". Another red flag.

[Laiken]

Every time you want to reach out to him and DON'T, consider it an investment. He won't come to miss you without absence.

Every time you do maybe condition yourself to consider it a reset moving you back to square one. Starting the process of missing you all over again.

Missing you is the goal.

Alternative perspective such as this works well for me. I've also been diagnosed with OCD which is explosive in combo with anxiety (my primary issue). So, I do understand your urge and panic to some degree. Just saying, I hear you with a bit of understanding.

I hope you can find some peace while you navigate through this.

[divine1966]

Wow. He waited for you two to buy a house before announcing he wants a divorce? It’s ridiculous. He knew that something is off way before. And what’s up with this crush. It’s all suspect. I’d talk to a lawyer.

[unaluna]

I would posit that the OP also had issues with the relationship these last few years and thats why she participated in its demise. I wouldnt try to change or influence him in any way; i would just try to get my own house in order, pun not intended. If you two were meant to be, you may come back together in the future, but i really would not try to force it. That would just be continuing the controlling stuff.

[Nammu]

You were both very young when you got together. Maybe he’s just feeling like he made his bed too soon. In any case it’s unfortunate that he waited until you bought a house. Can you afford it on your own. If so. Just cut him loose.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Nammu

You were both very young when you got together. Maybe he’s just feeling like he made his bed too soon. In any case it’s unfortunate that he waited until you bought a house. Can you afford it on your own. If so. Just cut him loose.

Sometimes I overlook the obvious. I was wondering how @Nammu figured out that you two got together very young. Then I did the math. Yes, you were ages 18 and 17. Perhaps neither of you has even had any other close relationship. So there's a lack of experience at play here.

I'm not opposed to anyone marrying their high school sweetheart. I don't believe you need to go through multiple relationships to understand what building a strong bond is about. But a commitment made very early in life can backfire. It may be that fear of being alone made you cling to each other for security, before you two really knew what you were looking for in a relationship. It does sound like you each have a significant psychological problem. You have identified yours and have sought help for it. He sounds to me like he has a serious maturity deficit. I'll bet your controlling tendency is, to some extent, an attempt to offset his immaturity.

[Have Hope]

That definitely sucks. Very sorry to hear that you are heartbroken. Horrible timing indeed. That is heart wrenching.

However, here's the thing. He was placed into a codependent role with you being a guardian of sorts. If he got fed up with that role and with how you are, there is very little that you can do or say to change his mind. This all seems to stem from your own issues and then an issue together with the fighting.

Why were you fighting? What were the fights about? Fighting is not a good sign of good things to come.

This may sound harsh, but perhaps you need to be alone to resolve your own issues of control and OCD before getting into a commitment with someone. That's what I would suggest. Do you have a therapist?