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ReptileInYourHead
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 05:46 PM
  #21
I’m getting pretty angry with your wife map, I don’t think I have anymore to add to this convo, nothing constructive anyways.
I will keep reading though, and know that you have my sympathies, this is a real moral quagmire.
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 05:55 PM
  #22
Thanks Reptile. And thanks to everyone who has replied. I don't want to wear you out--you have all given me some things to chew on. I know my situation isn't really solvable by anyone other than myself.
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 06:01 PM
  #23
I just want to add one more thing--I've been pretty cold and distant since I found out, with the exception of 2 or 3 moments of just breaking down with her, and she is keeping her distance from me. She's not a very confrontational person, but it seems like if she really wanted to fight to keep me, she would be doing more than what she has been doing. Clarity's a b-word.
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 06:14 PM
  #24
You won't wear us out. It's an awful thing you're going through.
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 10:49 PM
  #25
Hi Map, I initially posted a longer post but deleted it because it was a lot.

My thoughts echo reptiles last post.
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Default Nov 10, 2017 at 11:12 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by sky457 View Post
Hi Map, I initially posted a longer post but deleted it because it was a lot.

My thoughts echo reptiles last post.
Sky, I really appreciate the support. I believe I read your original comments and while our situations are somewhat different, I could really relate to your account with your ex. I would never go so far as to say that all adults brought up as only children behave the same way, but it was interesting to read about your experience. Thanks for that.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 03:35 PM
  #27
Hello. I thought I would provide an update to my situation to all who were so kind to respond earlier.

It has been a very up-and-down couple of weeks since this all started. I have had moments where I thought everything was going to be OK, then moments where I couldn't pretend like everything was normal anymore. I don't need to waste all of your time describing every up and down, just that it's been wild swings.

The bottom line is this: My wife's desire is to keep us together while she pursues this relationship. She has not given up on it and is not willing to. She has told me that she wants the option of turning their relationship physical when she sees him. She wants me to accept that.

At one point I told her that I would accept their relationship and her desire to continue exploring these feelings she has for him if it remained only email/phone contact and if they did not pursue any physical contact. With her recent disclosure that she wants to be able to act on the physical side of the relationship if that arises, we realized that we are at an impasse that can't be bridged between the two of us. So we have decided to separate. She will be moving out of the house sometime in the coming weeks.

We are planning on telling the kids later today. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but also realize that we can't continue down this path of pretending nothing is wrong. They are going to figure it out eventually.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 03:40 PM
  #28
I've thought of you many times, and wondered how things were going.

It sounds hellish. I'm so sorry.

The good thing is, she seems to be being honest with you now. That gives you a firm footing and chance to balance. At least you won't be chasing shadows for the next few years, confused and suspicious.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 04:00 PM
  #29
Sounds like a logical outcome mapman.
How do you feel now? Now that a choice was made and gears are in motion...
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 04:33 PM
  #30
She is being honest, and through the mixed messages I've gotten from her the past week or so, one thing remains consistent: she does not want to give up on her other relationship.

How I feel now is still pretty raw. I think the only way to put myself back together is for us to be apart. It really makes the most sense, and it's the one thing I'm holding on to now that feels like an answer to the pain. I know that I'll continue to have a range of emotions and I'm allowing myself the freedom to let out whatever I feel needs to be released, but as long as she's still in the home I will have that constant reminder of what life used to be like before this event. And I don't think that's good for me right now.

Purple, you are right--it is pretty hellish. But I know I'm going to be OK.

Thanks again for providing support.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 04:49 PM
  #31
Keep talking to us here. We've almost all been in a similar situation.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 05:05 PM
  #32
Mapman, I am very sorry to hear the news. Like Purple said, at least she's being upfront about it now and you now have the choice, which you have made. I can only imagine how that must feel and what it must be like for you right now.

Yes, keep posting as you need to. I have found PC to be very healing for me through my own breakup, which was not a marriage but an engagement.

Thinking of you ...
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 06:32 PM
  #33
Hey Map, you have a lot of courage for putting your foot down. I was in a relationship where my significant other tried to cage me despite her ill behaviors. It was difficult to get out of.

I've said this in other posts, and I'll say it again; what goes around will come around. Being in the right will prevail, and you were in the right. There is strength in living your life doing the right thing.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 08:59 PM
  #34
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Open Eyes, I'll be honest--it's been years. Early on in our relationship she set a tone sexually that was pretty...disinterested. So I adjusted to her desires because she seemed to want it less than I and I got tired of getting turned down. I thought of the sex as just one component of the relationship and not the entire thing. So I fulfilled my needs in other ways without involving other people if you get my drift. It just seems like we settled into a groove that wasn't particularly exciting, but that was because that's what we both wanted.

But now as I think back to those earlier years I wonder if she was getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere and that's why she was disinterested.
I was not suggesting you all of a sudden change and woo her. I was actually wondering what kind of relationship you did have with her.

Interesting that she was an only child, I am wondering as I take a peek at some of your other posts if your wife grew up where a lot of things, including decisions were made "for" her. Maybe what she wanted sexually is for the man to be in charge and responsible for satisfying her too. You mentioned that she did not seem interested, well, I bet she did not know HOW to be interested and she may not have orgasm-ed either. Truth is a lot of couples have to LEARN how to satisfy each other and a lot of men end up only satisfying themselves and the woman just fakes it because she doesn't know "how" to orgasm with a partner. It sounds to me like in your marriage you both took care of yourselves sexually and did not figure out how to do it "together", that happens more than people are willing to admit.

Also, women getting close to age fifty, even women who have gone through the change of life, can "change" some women actually go through a phase where they want "more" of something and not really quite know what that "something" is. It sounds to me like this man she knew in her past is stoking her ego and she likes the attention.

Before you decide to dig your heals into "she is cheating on me and I should be devastated", consider this an opportunity to evaluate the relationship you have had, do have and if this is a wake up call where you can add "quality" to it or if maybe you are in a relationship that is not gratifying for either of you. After all, what DO you do together that bonds you?
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 09:08 PM
  #35
Well, I have to apologize because I just now noticed that you both decided to separate.
This is a time for you to reflect on what you had in your relationship and what you may have needed for HER that you did not get.

You may find a woman that ends up filling YOUR unmet needs. Maybe it's time for YOU to do some exploring yourself. I know someone that was very unhappy and divorced and he ended up meeting someone that he has been VERY happy with that appreciates him in ways his ex wife never did.
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Default Nov 18, 2017 at 10:32 PM
  #36
All food for thought, Open Eyes. I’m never going to take responsibility for her betrayal, but I recognize that if I don’t learn from this experience I will be the worse for it.

And yes, this may be an opportunity for both of us to be with others that are a better match for us. Complacency and assumptions in a relationship instead of communication are never good.
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Default Nov 27, 2017 at 11:46 AM
  #37
Hi All. Just a quick update for those of you interested. And for anyone in the future who might come across this thread and take even a grain of comfort in what I've gone through.

Today, 11/27, marks exactly 3 weeks since I found out about my wife's affair. It has been a difficult 3 weeks for me. I thought it would get easier but it just seems like it has gotten harder. Part of the reason for that is because my sleep has been completely messed up, with me waking up in the middle of the night spending hours obsessively thinking about everything. Mostly what I think about are two questions: 1) what is it about him that is so much better than me?, and 2) what does the future hold for me and our kids?. Lack of sleep can really mess with the mind.

In the beginning, she made it clear that her Vipassana meditation practice "guided" (I know that's not the right word) her to pursue this other relationship. Finally, just last night I wondered what Vipassana, or the Buddha, or the universe would think about her betrayal, so I Googled it and found this information (Sila | Vipassana Meditation):

Quote:
Sila, pertaining to moral conduct, is the foundation of the vipassana meditation practice. It is said that if one wants to progress on the path of meditation, then one must begin with sila. Without this foundation of moral conduct, the building of Dharma or righteousness can't be built.
It goes on to say the following:

Quote:
Any action that harms others, that disturbs their peace and harmony, is a sinful action, an unwholesome action... Impure action includes, killing a creature, stealing, sexual misconduct in the form of rape or adultery, and intoxication where one loses one's senses and does not know what one says or does.
She used Vipassana as a reason why she pursued this relationship. Clearly sila is a foundational idea in Vipassana meditation. It is very clear to me now that she 100% used the meditation practice as an excuse for her affair, because the relationship violated one of the practice's basic rules.

We have an appointment with a therapist today, so we will see where that takes us. She has secured an apartment to move into and just has to pick a move-in date. I know that time and distance are what are going to be needed for me to get through this and move on. I also woke up this morning thinking that maybe I can look at the 19 1/2 years of our marriage before her infidelity as really great, but that it is time for us to part ways. I wasn't ready and still feel that it is unfair that she got to pick the date and circumstances of our split, but I am ready to start viewing this all in a different, better way. But I'm also not putting pressure on myself.
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Default Nov 27, 2017 at 12:24 PM
  #38
We are in your metaphorical corner mapman!
Thanks for the update.
You are keeping the house then? What arrangement do you guys have for the kids?
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Default Nov 27, 2017 at 12:40 PM
  #39
Yeah, Reptile, she is the one moving out. I made that very clear from the beginning. We've only had casual discussions about the kids, but I think we would settle on a 50-50 split, kind of like a "half the week with me, half the week with her and every other weekend" type of thing. That's something we need to decide as we move forward.

She's a good mom and I'd never want to keep the kids away from her unless I thought she was behaving in a way that would harm our sons. At this point I don't see that happening, but... well... hindsight, right? I need to be vigilant.
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Default Nov 27, 2017 at 12:57 PM
  #40
Wow, I just read through the whole thread, Mapman, and I am so sorry this woman is putting you through this. You do not deserve to treated like this. I don't know that therapy will help you two reconcile, considering she has said she wants a sexual relationship with this guy. You should not have to settle for a woman who you can't trust and uses you like she has used you.

And I agree, that Vipissana excuse is crap. If she felt like she was being "guided" to explore that relationship, she should have told you before she did it. But no, she did it in secret.

The whole situation sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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