advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 01:06 PM
  #41
Thanks for the kind words, seesaw. Just another story, if I may: 3 days ago I reminded her that a few days into this whole thing I told her that I would be open to her "going through this" if she promised to keep it to emails and calls and no physical contact. At that early time in this hell she said that she couldn't rule out the physical contact. When I brought that up 3 days ago she said that she would be willing to try that.

I said that it's too late.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue

advertisement
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,341 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,262 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 01:12 PM
  #42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
Thanks for the kind words, seesaw. Just another story, if I may: 3 days ago I reminded her that a few days into this whole thing I told her that I would be open to her "going through this" if she promised to keep it to emails and calls and no physical contact. At that early time in this hell she said that she couldn't rule out the physical contact. When I brought that up 3 days ago she said that she would be willing to try that.

I said that it's too late.
I think you should take that back. You don't deserve to be the third wheel in an emotional.affair she is having. If she can't even talk to you about her needs and her first reaction is to have an affair...she really can't be trusted.

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 01:36 PM
  #43
Right, and even if it is over with him this time, what's to say she won't get bored and get another message during meditation that it's time to strike it back up with him?

The other day I said to her, "So what you have with him is superior to what you have with me on both an emotional and sexual level?" Her response was that she didn't like the word "superior," so I asked her to rephrase it. She said something like, "What I have with him is deeper on an emotional and sexual level."

She has had clarity all along. She does not want to give up this relationship, and only when threatened with having to move out of the home does she become even slightly conciliatory.

But again, she has known him for longer than she's known me. The emotional connection with him existed before she knew me. It existed during the entire time we've been married, even though she didn't act on it. And it will exist after we split up. I may be simple, and unspiritual, and shallow, but I recognize reality when I see it.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Nammu, Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue, whoamihere
04mxyz250f
Junior Member
04mxyz250f has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: michigan
Posts: 13
5 yr Member
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 01:52 PM
  #44
I'm going through something pretty similar to this currently. It has only gotten worse since day one. My wife has tried to stop everything with the other person but she keeps having contact because she says she is addicted and she cant explain it. It is pure selfishness and not being able to be happy with what you have. Everyone has told my wife that she has it made and everything seems perfect for her, but she always wants more. I do not think your wife will actually stop. I feel like I've tried everything with my wife, but she is not willing to put forth the effort to get the other person out of her life. My wife did the same when divorce was brought up and her moving out was brought up, she started pulling me back in by telling me she would try...then a few days later more contact.
Obviously it could be different for you, but I dont think she will realize it until she goes and does it, then she will realize what she left and that what she left it for is not actually better or what she thought it was. That is where I am at right now. It sucks to know there is still part of me thats would give her a chance, but I'm just hoping that fades before she hits rock bottom and realizes she had what she wanted all along.
04mxyz250f is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mapman, Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,341 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,262 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 03:08 PM
  #45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
Right, and even if it is over with him this time, what's to say she won't get bored and get another message during meditation that it's time to strike it back up with him?

The other day I said to her, "So what you have with him is superior to what you have with me on both an emotional and sexual level?" Her response was that she didn't like the word "superior," so I asked her to rephrase it. She said something like, "What I have with him is deeper on an emotional and sexual level."

She has had clarity all along. She does not want to give up this relationship, and only when threatened with having to move out of the home does she become even slightly conciliatory.

But again, she has known him for longer than she's known me. The emotional connection with him existed before she knew me. It existed during the entire time we've been married, even though she didn't act on it. And it will exist after we split up. I may be simple, and unspiritual, and shallow, but I recognize reality when I see it.
Wow. What's sad is that that shouldn't be true. She has two kids with you. She has loved with you for 20 years. Just because she met him before you, she should have created that deeper connection with you. Not harbored feelings for someone from her past for 20 years.

I hate to say it but I don't think this affair is as short lived as she claims. I think it's been going on the whole time.

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Purple,Violet,Blue
s4ndm4n2006
Magnate
 
s4ndm4n2006's Avatar
s4ndm4n2006 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,052
8 yr Member
183 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 03:09 PM
  #46
I'm sorry to say that if this started 18 yrs ago and she's beein carrying on with this guy for that long which is most likely, any details is moot. She's likely not going to quit and she is the type that thinks it's ok to have two lives. after 18 yrs do you really think that kind of a pattern will change in any kind of reasonable time frame? She needs more than just talk but actually the realization that it's over or you're gone. This is one situation where I really recommend walking away at the very least for a physical separation.

I hate to bear bad news but somehow I dont' think my info can top how badly I'm sure this has traumatized you already. I'm sorry you're going through this.
s4ndm4n2006 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 06:20 PM
  #47
I know it's not going to change. She's always put herself above our relationship and our family and I was always right there to compensate for it.

There's just no good, positive answer here. Just a lesser of two evils (break up). I'm glad the kids are 14 and 17 as opposed to 4 and 7.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue, sky457, whoamihere
Purple,Violet,Blue
Magnate
 
Purple,Violet,Blue's Avatar
Purple,Violet,Blue has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Britain
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
10.3k hugs
given
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 06:49 PM
  #48
Sending you lots of love. A little pain now (OK, a lot) is better than a lifetime of misery. So sorry you're hurting
Purple,Violet,Blue is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mapman
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
04mxyz250f
Junior Member
04mxyz250f has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: michigan
Posts: 13
5 yr Member
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 07:09 PM
  #49
Yeah I dont think she will stop until she goes and tries it. Then she will probably realize its not what she thought it was over time. I'm going through a similar situation right now but my kids are 2 and 5. My wife is now in love with a woman apparently, but there is so much more to the story. She is leaving and moving in with the other woman and I've files for divorce. Sadly part of me still wants to work it out, but I know she wont see it for what it is until the excitement of the newness wears off and then she will have nothing...It is just pure selfishness. Some people cant be happy with what they have and they need to always try to find something "better", but really is just that they are not happy with themselves and they will never find anything better.
04mxyz250f is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mapman, Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
04mxyz250f
Junior Member
04mxyz250f has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: michigan
Posts: 13
5 yr Member
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 07:15 PM
  #50
I dont think she will ever stop until she goes and tries it. I'm going through a similar situation. My wife "fell in love" with a woman and is leaving and moving in with her. There is a lot more to the story, but she doesnt see anything but what she wants to. My kids are 2 and 5. Its very sad. Its pure selfishness. Some people cant see what they have and be happy with what they have. They have to go and try to find something "better", but really they are just not happy with themselves. I have no doubt your wife will regret it when the newness and excitement of all this wears off. I believe that will happen to me to, I just hope that part of me thats wants to work it out is gone by then.
04mxyz250f is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mapman, Purple,Violet,Blue
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
s4ndm4n2006
Magnate
 
s4ndm4n2006's Avatar
s4ndm4n2006 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,052
8 yr Member
183 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 08:56 PM
  #51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
I know it's not going to change. She's always put herself above our relationship and our family and I was always right there to compensate for it.

There's just no good, positive answer here. Just a lesser of two evils (break up). I'm glad the kids are 14 and 17 as opposed to 4 and 7.
yeah me too... best that they are almost grown up, they will handle it all better. Still sorry that it is something that you're only finding out after likely going on so many years.
s4ndm4n2006 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 27, 2017 at 09:02 PM
  #52
I have no respect for people who take advantage of comfort of marriage while screwing someone else on a side. No morals and no common decency. You are better off
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman, s4ndm4n2006
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 28, 2017 at 12:59 PM
  #53
It sounds like you have gotten to a point where you can recognize your wife's selfishness and how she is not considering your feelings but is only considering her own needs. It's better to let go of her and find someone who can actually consider your needs and feelings and develop an appreciation for you instead of you continuing along with just existing based on your wife's needs coming first all the time.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643
 
Thanks for this!
Mapman
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Nov 28, 2017 at 02:52 PM
  #54
I've said this before but it bears repeating: This community here is really great. I appreciate the responses from all of you. My behavior has been so schizophrenic these last 3 weeks, but you guys have provided something solid for me to hold on to and I thank you all for that.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643, Chyialee, Open Eyes, Purple,Violet,Blue
Purple,Violet,Blue
Magnate
 
Purple,Violet,Blue's Avatar
Purple,Violet,Blue has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Britain
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
10.3k hugs
given
Default Nov 28, 2017 at 03:18 PM
  #55
I'm fairly new here still myself, but I've also been blown away by the kindness, common sense and lack of egos amongst the community. Hope you stick around and make friendships here, as I have been lucky enough to do.

And everyone is so honest!

Very best wishes. You deserve some happiness!
Purple,Violet,Blue is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643, Chyialee
 
Thanks for this!
Chyialee, Mapman
Anonymous50909
Guest
Anonymous50909 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Nov 29, 2017 at 01:41 PM
  #56
I'm going to be unpopular here, but I was the cheating wife. My circumstances are different as my mental illness played into my decisions. However I handled things very different. I actually told my husband what was going on. He gave me conditions on which we could move forward including no contact with the person, councelling , taking my meds responsibly and complete transparency in everything I do. This was just in September. My husband still monitors my emails, Facebook and phone. I'm okay with that. I believe that when you betray someone you do everything you can to fix it. He is getting my 100% effort and we are doing really well. When you have a party that doesn't want to make the effort, repair isn't possible.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Chyialee, Guiness187055, Mapman, seesaw
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Nov 29, 2017 at 06:37 PM
  #57
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSadGirl View Post
I'm going to be unpopular here, but I was the cheating wife. My circumstances are different as my mental illness played into my decisions. However I handled things very different. I actually told my husband what was going on. He gave me conditions on which we could move forward including no contact with the person, councelling , taking my meds responsibly and complete transparency in everything I do. This was just in September. My husband still monitors my emails, Facebook and phone. I'm okay with that. I believe that when you betray someone you do everything you can to fix it. He is getting my 100% effort and we are doing really well. When you have a party that doesn't want to make the effort, repair isn't possible.
I wish my wife made the concessions you did to your husband. No contact, counseling, transparency, and your commitment to turn your situation around. You handled it exactly the way it should be handled, SadGirl.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Dec 08, 2017 at 11:11 AM
  #58
I've passed the one-month mark since I found out that my wife has been cheating on me. It has not gotten any easier. She is moving out over the next couple of days, and I'm hoping that her being gone will provide me with the space and time I will need to really start to heal.

I've been thinking about a couple of actions that I want to take, and I'd like to know what any of you think about these.

First, I've been wondering what to tell the kids if they ask me why Mom and I are splitting up. The kids are 17 and 14, so I think they are old enough and mature enough to hear something that's not completely sugar coated, but still has a dusting of sugar to it. Here's what I'd like to say, "We are splitting up because Mom loves another man and decided that she wanted to be with him more than she wanted to be with me. This doesn't diminish her love for you, she still loves you very much."

The other action I would like to take has to do with his wife, who I don't believe knows about the affair. It bothers me that she may be as clueless about what is going on between them as I was. I told my wife this morning that I am going to get the wife's contact information and tell her on January 15th (about a month from now). I told my wife that she should tell him that I'm planning to do that. That would give him the opportunity to come clean. I chose January 15th because it is after the holidays and just before the planned in-person meeting that my wife and him have set up in February (their affair has been entirely email/phone and in February they will meet in person). The other reason is that he and his wife are planning to move back to my state, and I don't think it would be fair to her to make a cross-country move with a husband who may leave her right after the move. Of course, I don't really know anything about the dude's relationship with his wife or how much she knows, or if she would be perfectly OK with him hooking up with my (soon to be ex-) wife while they remain married. But the thought that I know something that could cause someone such great heartache is difficult for me to live with. Honestly, it's mostly that, but also not wanting to be a party to making things more comfortable or easy for my wife and the dude.

So, psychcentral folks, am I insane to think about taking these actions? Are there pitfalls that I haven't considered? I'll admit that my motivations aren't entirely unselfish, but I've been hurt badly and it bothers me that she doesn't seem to be internalizing any of the pain that she has caused my family.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
BlueEyedMama, Purple,Violet,Blue
Mapman
Member
Mapman wonders when I'll really move on.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 48
5 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Dec 08, 2017 at 11:18 AM
  #59
Quote:
Originally Posted by prefabsprout View Post
I personally suspect the meditation is an excuse. She chose to have an affair. Has she apologised for the hurt she caused you?

'Working through it' seems like an excuse to keep on as before to me. Sorry but her reactions sound like she doesn't care about your feelings.

The counseling should hopefully help you work out what you both want.

Sorry I can't be more encouraging.
One more thought. prefabsprout responded to my original post with this post, and I just wanted to say that you were spot on. The prize goes to prefab! The meditation has been an excuse all along. I got her to admit to me yesterday that she doesn't love me and has no sexual attraction to me, and that it has been that way for a while--maybe years. And she does have those things with this other guy, which is why she's been pursuing this with him for the past year.

That admission was the turning point for me... That any speck of hope that I had for a reconciliation is futile.
Mapman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643, Purple,Violet,Blue, sky457
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dec 08, 2017 at 11:18 AM
  #60
Hi Mapman,

My personal opinion is that his wife has every right to know. If I were her, I would want someone who is "in the know" to tell me. I also totally understand your sentiments and desire to not make this easy for your wife. I would feel the same exact way. She has done wrong by you.... why should she skate away easily and unscathed from this? But more than that, his wife should know, and if it comes from you, so be it.

I think what you plan on saying to your children is perfect. Yes, they are old enough to hear this.

I am sorry that things haven't gotten easier, but under the circumstances, I can't imagine they would be this soon. It's going to take time to heal.... unfortunately. But yes, once she moves out, you can start the healing and recovery process. Most importantly, take care of YOU.

And yes, agreed. The meditation excuse is just that.. an excuse and total BS.

((((((((sending many hugs))))))))))
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mapman, Purple,Violet,Blue
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:08 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.