Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage - Page 4 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 11-18-2017, 03:49 PM #31
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Keep talking to us here. We've almost all been in a similar situation.
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Old 11-18-2017, 04:05 PM #32
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Mapman, I am very sorry to hear the news. Like Purple said, at least she's being upfront about it now and you now have the choice, which you have made. I can only imagine how that must feel and what it must be like for you right now.

Yes, keep posting as you need to. I have found PC to be very healing for me through my own breakup, which was not a marriage but an engagement.

Thinking of you ...
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Old 11-18-2017, 05:32 PM #33
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Hey Map, you have a lot of courage for putting your foot down. I was in a relationship where my significant other tried to cage me despite her ill behaviors. It was difficult to get out of.

I've said this in other posts, and I'll say it again; what goes around will come around. Being in the right will prevail, and you were in the right. There is strength in living your life doing the right thing.
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Old 11-18-2017, 07:59 PM #34
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
Open Eyes, I'll be honest--it's been years. Early on in our relationship she set a tone sexually that was pretty...disinterested. So I adjusted to her desires because she seemed to want it less than I and I got tired of getting turned down. I thought of the sex as just one component of the relationship and not the entire thing. So I fulfilled my needs in other ways without involving other people if you get my drift. It just seems like we settled into a groove that wasn't particularly exciting, but that was because that's what we both wanted.

But now as I think back to those earlier years I wonder if she was getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere and that's why she was disinterested.
I was not suggesting you all of a sudden change and woo her. I was actually wondering what kind of relationship you did have with her.

Interesting that she was an only child, I am wondering as I take a peek at some of your other posts if your wife grew up where a lot of things, including decisions were made "for" her. Maybe what she wanted sexually is for the man to be in charge and responsible for satisfying her too. You mentioned that she did not seem interested, well, I bet she did not know HOW to be interested and she may not have orgasm-ed either. Truth is a lot of couples have to LEARN how to satisfy each other and a lot of men end up only satisfying themselves and the woman just fakes it because she doesn't know "how" to orgasm with a partner. It sounds to me like in your marriage you both took care of yourselves sexually and did not figure out how to do it "together", that happens more than people are willing to admit.

Also, women getting close to age fifty, even women who have gone through the change of life, can "change" some women actually go through a phase where they want "more" of something and not really quite know what that "something" is. It sounds to me like this man she knew in her past is stoking her ego and she likes the attention.

Before you decide to dig your heals into "she is cheating on me and I should be devastated", consider this an opportunity to evaluate the relationship you have had, do have and if this is a wake up call where you can add "quality" to it or if maybe you are in a relationship that is not gratifying for either of you. After all, what DO you do together that bonds you?
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Old 11-18-2017, 08:08 PM #35
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Well, I have to apologize because I just now noticed that you both decided to separate.
This is a time for you to reflect on what you had in your relationship and what you may have needed for HER that you did not get.

You may find a woman that ends up filling YOUR unmet needs. Maybe it's time for YOU to do some exploring yourself. I know someone that was very unhappy and divorced and he ended up meeting someone that he has been VERY happy with that appreciates him in ways his ex wife never did.
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Old 11-18-2017, 09:32 PM #36
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

All food for thought, Open Eyes. I’m never going to take responsibility for her betrayal, but I recognize that if I don’t learn from this experience I will be the worse for it.

And yes, this may be an opportunity for both of us to be with others that are a better match for us. Complacency and assumptions in a relationship instead of communication are never good.
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Old 11-27-2017, 10:46 AM #37
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Hi All. Just a quick update for those of you interested. And for anyone in the future who might come across this thread and take even a grain of comfort in what I've gone through.

Today, 11/27, marks exactly 3 weeks since I found out about my wife's affair. It has been a difficult 3 weeks for me. I thought it would get easier but it just seems like it has gotten harder. Part of the reason for that is because my sleep has been completely messed up, with me waking up in the middle of the night spending hours obsessively thinking about everything. Mostly what I think about are two questions: 1) what is it about him that is so much better than me?, and 2) what does the future hold for me and our kids?. Lack of sleep can really mess with the mind.

In the beginning, she made it clear that her Vipassana meditation practice "guided" (I know that's not the right word) her to pursue this other relationship. Finally, just last night I wondered what Vipassana, or the Buddha, or the universe would think about her betrayal, so I Googled it and found this information (Sila | Vipassana Meditation):

Quote:
Sila, pertaining to moral conduct, is the foundation of the vipassana meditation practice. It is said that if one wants to progress on the path of meditation, then one must begin with sila. Without this foundation of moral conduct, the building of Dharma or righteousness can't be built.
It goes on to say the following:

Quote:
Any action that harms others, that disturbs their peace and harmony, is a sinful action, an unwholesome action... Impure action includes, killing a creature, stealing, sexual misconduct in the form of rape or adultery, and intoxication where one loses one's senses and does not know what one says or does.
She used Vipassana as a reason why she pursued this relationship. Clearly sila is a foundational idea in Vipassana meditation. It is very clear to me now that she 100% used the meditation practice as an excuse for her affair, because the relationship violated one of the practice's basic rules.

We have an appointment with a therapist today, so we will see where that takes us. She has secured an apartment to move into and just has to pick a move-in date. I know that time and distance are what are going to be needed for me to get through this and move on. I also woke up this morning thinking that maybe I can look at the 19 1/2 years of our marriage before her infidelity as really great, but that it is time for us to part ways. I wasn't ready and still feel that it is unfair that she got to pick the date and circumstances of our split, but I am ready to start viewing this all in a different, better way. But I'm also not putting pressure on myself.
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Old 11-27-2017, 11:24 AM #38
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

We are in your metaphorical corner mapman!
Thanks for the update.
You are keeping the house then? What arrangement do you guys have for the kids?
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Old 11-27-2017, 11:40 AM #39
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Yeah, Reptile, she is the one moving out. I made that very clear from the beginning. We've only had casual discussions about the kids, but I think we would settle on a 50-50 split, kind of like a "half the week with me, half the week with her and every other weekend" type of thing. That's something we need to decide as we move forward.

She's a good mom and I'd never want to keep the kids away from her unless I thought she was behaving in a way that would harm our sons. At this point I don't see that happening, but... well... hindsight, right? I need to be vigilant.
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Old 11-27-2017, 11:57 AM #40
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Wow, I just read through the whole thread, Mapman, and I am so sorry this woman is putting you through this. You do not deserve to treated like this. I don't know that therapy will help you two reconcile, considering she has said she wants a sexual relationship with this guy. You should not have to settle for a woman who you can't trust and uses you like she has used you.

And I agree, that Vipissana excuse is crap. If she felt like she was being "guided" to explore that relationship, she should have told you before she did it. But no, she did it in secret.

The whole situation sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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