Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017 at 11:51 AM

I agree with Eve. The kids are old enough. Truth is very important to all of us. With the unsettling changes going on, they will want to know that you'll be a rock for them, loving and truthful.

Would I be the bearer of bad news to his wife?

That's a tough one.

It's completely understandable. But the action might, in the long run, affect the purity of your own heart.

Another person's marriage isn't something you're in any way responsible for.

You can only control your own actions.

As I say, I see why you're tempted. I just feel it might leave a bad taste in your mouth. You have a nicer life waiting for you, and the sooner you get on with it, the better.

Best wishes.

Dec 08, 2017 at 11:55 AM

Purple makes a good point about telling his wife. I hadn't thought of that. It IS a tough one.... I suppose you also have to think about your own conscience and whether you will feel right and good about it afterwards.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017 at 12:04 PM

It is a tough one. You are right, Purple, I can't let my desire to "get back" at them cloud my own healing. And that should be my focus moving forward is how I can heal myself and move on. I just emailed my therapist and put these questions on the agenda for my next appointment--he will help me navigate through that.

I appreciate your responses, golden_eve and Purple! Cooler heads should prevail.

Carmina · Dec 08, 2017 at 12:09 PM

I think it depends on your intentions, don't do it from a desire to get back at them but from the standpoint that she does have a right to know, which she does. I would feel terrible for keeping her in the dark. The idea of letting them know and giving them plenty of time to get their own houses in order is a good one because then it doesn't place the onus on you, the ball is in their court.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017 at 12:20 PM

You're right--I think at this point, Carmina, it is about getting back at them. That's how raw I still am. But that doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing to do. Again, I'd be concerned that she would be moving 3,000 miles, possibly away from a support network and family, for a marriage that is basically kaput.

Once my wife moves out and I achieve greater sanity I will think this through. That's one reason that I decided not to do it until a month from now--to give myself a chance to change my mind.

Dec 08, 2017 at 12:42 PM

I think that's a good idea. Give yourself more time and space. If it's more about getting back at them, you may have regrets.

I once told an ex's current wife that he had cheated on her with me just before they got married and while they were engaged. I was not made aware of his engagement and was completely in the dark. He led me to believe he was single. Then, he called me on his honeymoon, which I thought was a vacation with a friend of his, to tell me I was the love of his life. It was my good friend who called to tell me that he in fact, had just been married! I was SO glad she told me, or else he would have been able to carry on this lie, and who knows if I would have continued an affair without even knowing that he was married. After I found out about the marriage, I told his wife that we had slept together while they were engaged because I felt she had every right to know that her husband cheated on her. I don't have any regrets. She chose to stay with him and believed his lies that it did not happen. So be it. That was her choice, but at least I gave her the knowledge. They ended up not having a great marriage and he still called me years later to tell me he had never been closer to anyone except me. She was foolish but I was glad I told her.

Dec 08, 2017 at 01:35 PM

After my affair my husband got ahold of my phone and got the other guys address. He wrote him a scathing letter and dropped it off. I thought it was harsh, but my husband said its what he needed to do. The other guy was married, but a long time seperated. My husband said he would have absolutely told the wife had they been together. He was hurt and needed release.

What's my point? Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first and that's okay. I don't think telling the wife because you are upset is a wrong reason. I think its okay for you to try to find peace too.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017 at 02:44 PM

There's no right or wrong, as others have said. And I do believe you have the wife's well-being in mind. But she is someone you don't know. You also can't predict that giving her this news will lead to a good outcome.

I don't prescribe to any particular belief system, personally. But I have a copy of the Tao de Ching on my shelf, and I find it helpful to flick through in times of difficulty. It seems to have a cleansing effect, like poetry.

Also some of Buddha's prayers are lovely.

Here's one about forgiveness:

If I have harmed any one in any way,
either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions,
I ask their forgiveness.
If any one has harmed me in any way,
either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions,
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation
I am not yet ready to forgive,
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself,
negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself,
through my own confusions,
I forgive myself.

Buffy01 · Dec 08, 2017 at 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Hi all. First time poster here. I registered with psychcentral after reading several threads and finding the responses to be generally kind, supportive, and sympathetic to peoples' problems. I've seen some people challenging the original posters on how they are thinking, and I appreciate that as well. I'm not here for an echo chamber, just words of thought from all of you.

I found out that my wife of 20 years (we are in our early 50s) is carrying on a phone/email relationship with somebody she dated before we started dating. I found out four days ago because she got a new phone and her private email started being sent to my phone too. The emails were very sexual in nature, and peppered with a lot of "love" talk directed at him. It was devastating to say the least. The emails that I found dated back about 2 months. I decided to check his phone number against our cellphone bills and found that they have been communicating for almost 10 months, since early 2017.

I figured out who the guy was and through google searching determined that he lives all the way across the country, but used to live in my city and still owns a house here. He's married as well, and I know he has applied for a job here in my town, based on their email exchanges.

I needed to talk to somebody to figure out what to do--I was physically shaking and unable to think clearly. Just coincidentally (and fortunately), later that morning I had my regular Monday therapist appointment. I've been seeing my therapist for 3 1/2 years for a variety of issues from my childhood. I told him what I found, and he gave me the courage to confront her about it.

She did not deny anything. She met him in grad school in the early-mid 1990s. She said that she broke it off with him 20+ years ago when she decided to date me exclusively. She confirmed that they hadn't seen each other in person. She told me that this all started after she completed a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat which she has done every year for several years. Basically during that retreat she "realized" that she needed to pursue this relationship with this guy. It's something about some need that she has sexually (to be dominated) and she felt that he was the only person she could pursue this with. They've been talking several times a month for the last 10 months.

I want to tell you all the various feelings I've had since that conversation, but I don't want this to go on overly long. Suffice it to say I have never cried this much in my life. We've had few conversations over the last four days, but during one discussion yesterday she admitted to meeting him at a hotel about 2-3 years into our marriage, so that would have been 18 years ago. They had sex, and that was right after her first experience with Vipassana meditation. I had no idea about this encounter until yesterday.

So here are some of the most salient points that I really need some help with:

We have two kids--one in middle school and the other in high school.
She has told me that she doesn't want to lose me.
She has told me that she needs to work through this. She is not saying that she will stop, and even if she did I would not believe her because her meditation practice is such a huge part of her life.
I believe she has communicated with him since I found out.
I have informed her that I will not participate in sex or any talk having to do with loving each other until I can be certain that this affair is over. That I want to be the only love in her life and refuse to be a sucker.
She has more or less indicated that the fact that I do not practice Vipassana meditation is a hindrance--or at the very least not helpful--to our relationship. Not in a mean way or anything, just very matter-of-factly. More like we have different belief systems.

I asked her that how, in the universe of all the options for dealing with these sexual desires that she has (talking to me about them, marital counseling, etc.) how did she decide her best option was to betray me? Her answer was that she HAD to pay attention to what she was receiving in her Vipassana practice, and that she had tried other options to no avail. This was a clear obfuscation because she had never pursued discussing her desires with me, and we had never seen a counselor about it.

So there you have it. We will be setting up an appointment with a marital counselor in a couple of days, which I am completely open to. But I have to admit that I'm at a point where my goal here is to protect myself and my mental health, and I'm less concerned with saving the marriage. We had a good thing until four days ago and now it just feels shot.

Thanks to anyone who has read through all of this. I really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions folks might have.

p.s. I hope this doesn't come across as an indictment of Vipassana meditation. I do not blame the meditation practice for my wife's choices. Well, maybe I did for a second, but that was early on.

I would find out where this meditation located at. If she is actually during mediation I would find out what kind of damaged that I could do against the company. I would personally walk up to someone who work there and asked to see if you could stay anomously but you are concern for their safety because they have someone there who is involved in one of their meditation classes giving them your wife name and that she is involved with someone who could do harm and giving them that person name and you wouldn't say anything but you were just concern. I would have someone else like a lawyer informing them that they have enough evidence against the company that proves that their practice is damaged people marriaged and that the lawsuit will be drop if they agree to close the business down or they agree to make change informing their client that if they are caught having an affair they can not be here because it will cause financial harm against the company that will make the company go out of business.

I would have someone who knew what they were doing legally like a private investigator or a lawyer and the confront the man who is having an affair with your wife. Have thoughly explained that the life he had with your wife is over has been over for quite sometime? Have them explain to him that have evidence that prove that he had been stalking and harrassing you and your family and that there is a restraining order against him and that there is big fat lawsuit against him. One that will damagaed not only damaged his marriaged but financially ruin his life he would losed everything that he had and one way he would ever be able to get anything back, he would never be hired, he would lose his retirement. He would be so sorry that he his life would be ruined. I would go after everything he has and destroy it and by the time you were done he would have wished that he had never had an affair the thought never cross his mine. I would do the same thing to your wife and she would thought twice about having an affair. By the time you are done with them in court their lives would be destroy the would lose everything they had their home, the career, the retirement everything. I would seriously hired a private investigator and asked them to get enough evidence against him that can be use as means of harrassing you. I would enough evidence that prove that your wife could have cause something to happen to you and your family because she chose to have an affair that had ruin her kids life. They would have a shot of fighting this because this in court because the damaged was so bad that no one could help them.

Buffy01 · Dec 08, 2017 at 04:25 PM

My brother affair ruin my life because his mistress had stalked me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion and got away with it. I lost the right to see my niece and nephew because of the divorce because my sister in law lied about sexual abuse to get the divorce free.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017 at 06:33 PM

My wife just told me that he told his wife. So she knows, and there's no burden on me, thankfully.

Next step: My wife moves out.

Following step: Healing through family, friends, and my therapist.

We have engaged a mediator to help us figure out how to divide our assets. Once that is complete, the next step will be to file for divorce. I've heard uncontested divorces in my state go very quickly--about 2 weeks from when you file.

I want to say that I will be happy when the divorce is finalized, but I feel like I'll be about as happy as I would be at a funeral for someone I loved who I thought would be around for a much longer time.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017 at 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

My brother affair ruin my life because his mistress had stalked me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion and got away with it. I lost the right to see my niece and nephew because of the divorce because my sister in law lied about sexual abuse to get the divorce free.

Buffy, sorry you had such a difficult time. I think for me it will just be a relief to be over all of this and not have to think about it any more. For me, the best "revenge" would be putting my life back together and living well.

Open Eyes · Dec 08, 2017 at 06:48 PM

Try not to see this as a funeral so much. Try to embrace this leading to your finding someone you can actually be more intimate and happy with.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017 at 06:48 PM

I'm relieved that you didn't have to do it!

There's that saying:
'Any act of revenge is a time-bomb thrown into the future.'

I heartily agree that moving on in as much good spirit as you can muster is the fastest route to happier times.

You do still have some sad times ahead. I'm very sorry about it.

But once you are no longer seeing her, you should start to experience some moments of steadiness and peace. And a lift in your self-esteem.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017 at 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Try not to see this as a funeral so much. Try to embrace this leading to your finding someone you can actually be more intimate and happy with.

It is like a passage to the next chapter of my life. A funeral is much more final. This is more of a gateway that will open after the divorce. Thanks for helping me think about that a different way, Open Eyes!

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017 at 06:58 PM

Purple, I'm glad I don't have to do it as well. It is a relief.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017 at 07:02 PM

Yes... a big relief...

Mapman · Dec 13, 2017 at 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 04mxyz250f

I'm going through something pretty similar to this currently. It has only gotten worse since day one. My wife has tried to stop everything with the other person but she keeps having contact because she says she is addicted and she cant explain it. It is pure selfishness and not being able to be happy with what you have. Everyone has told my wife that she has it made and everything seems perfect for her, but she always wants more. I do not think your wife will actually stop. I feel like I've tried everything with my wife, but she is not willing to put forth the effort to get the other person out of her life. My wife did the same when divorce was brought up and her moving out was brought up, she started pulling me back in by telling me she would try...then a few days later more contact.
Obviously it could be different for you, but I dont think she will realize it until she goes and does it, then she will realize what she left and that what she left it for is not actually better or what she thought it was. That is where I am at right now. It sucks to know there is still part of me thats would give her a chance, but I'm just hoping that fades before she hits rock bottom and realizes she had what she wanted all along.

I've been reading back through my thread and found your post, 04. I feel for you and am really sorry for what your wife is putting you through. In some ways, it's worse that your wife agreed to stop but then didn't. At least my wife never agreed to stop. And like you, I keep thinking that there is a chance for us, but every day that ticks by since I found out is another nail in the coffin of our marriage because of the cruelty of keeping me on a string. Why would I want to be married to someone who, at best, is weirdly indecisive about somebody that's supposed to be the most important person in her life, or at worst is just plain cruel?

So that's the thing--She has not said to me, unequivocally, that she wants to stay with me nor has she said that she would be better off without me. That's selfishness. She wants it all. I kind of think she wants to keep me around so if it doesn't work out with the other dude she can fall back to me. But she's not accounting for my strong will and integrity.

She has moved out now--she is living in an apartment about a mile from our house. I am so glad that I held firm to that from the beginning. We've decided to limit communications to only the absolute necessary stuff--kids, logistics, business. She violated that this morning when she emailed me that her "head is still spinning" and she's glad that mine is not. I emailed her back and reminded her of our agreement and went on to say that it's not a competition for who's suffering more.

Over the weekend I learned about the concept of "trickle truth" in an adulterous affair. That's when the cheater won't tell you everything about what went on, so you have to take the evidence you have and piece together the story by filling in the gaps so you can try to come to some sort of understanding as to why they would do this and the extent of the betrayal. So of course, you fill in the gaps with the worst-case scenarios. That's what I've been doing, because my wife won't answer all of my questions. I think she thinks she's protecting me from hurt, but it's more hurtful to withhold from me. Either that or she knows that she's done with me, and it doesn't matter whether I know the whole truth or not.

Sorry about the long post. Again, it's good for me to have this venue to vent.

Mapman · Dec 13, 2017 at 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 04mxyz250f

I dont think she will ever stop until she goes and tries it. I'm going through a similar situation. My wife "fell in love" with a woman and is leaving and moving in with her. There is a lot more to the story, but she doesnt see anything but what she wants to. My kids are 2 and 5. Its very sad. Its pure selfishness. Some people cant see what they have and be happy with what they have. They have to go and try to find something "better", but really they are just not happy with themselves. I have no doubt your wife will regret it when the newness and excitement of all this wears off. I believe that will happen to me to, I just hope that part of me thats wants to work it out is gone by then.

Geez, what is going on here? And your kids are so young, 04. I'm so sorry for what she's doing to you.

My wife is kind of bullheaded, so I can't be sure that she would feel regret if/when the newness of the other guy wears off. A friend spoke to my wife and reminded her that I've been there all along the past 20 years, helping her with her mother who has Alzheimers, taking the kids to practice and school, helping her when her dad passed away, and all the other major things that a married couple have to do. The other guy has only been around for the last year and it's been long distance. The only thing he's helped her with is stroking her ego sexually.

I think they will figure out a way to consummate their relationship--particularly if he visits or moves here like he is planning. I really hope they get together--not because I want her to be happy or anything altruistic like that, but more because it will provide finality for me. We will truly be done with each other.

But if it doesn't work out with him--here's where her bullheadedness comes in to play--I don't think she will express any regret about the entire thing. She will state that if she had to do it all over again she'd do it exactly the same way. She said to me that if it doesn't work out with him or with me she's "prepared to go it alone." So she's already mapped out her future so that she looks stoic and brave. That she took a chance in life. But she'll never reflect on the damage she did.

sky457 · 07:11 PM

Map, I’m sorry. What she has done to you is brutal and continues to be so. Hold your ground. Be unwavering, you deserve the best.

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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 08, 2017 at 11:55 AM #62 Purple makes a good point about telling his wife. I hadn't thought of that. It IS a tough one.... I suppose you also have to think about your own conscience and whether you will feel right and good about it afterwards.
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Buffy01 Wise Elder Member Since Oct 2017 Location: USA Posts: 9,526 (SuperPoster!) 6 9,709 hugs given	Dec 08, 2017 at 04:25 PM #70 My brother affair ruin my life because his mistress had stalked me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion and got away with it. I lost the right to see my niece and nephew because of the divorce because my sister in law lied about sexual abuse to get the divorce free.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,115 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Dec 08, 2017 at 06:48 PM #73 Try not to see this as a funeral so much. Try to embrace this leading to your finding someone you can actually be more intimate and happy with.
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Mapman Member Member Since Nov 2017 Location: USA Posts: 48 6 24 hugs given	Dec 08, 2017 at 06:58 PM #76 Purple, I'm glad I don't have to do it as well. It is a relief.
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Purple,Violet,Blue Magnate Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Britain Posts: 2,899 6 10.3k hugs given	Dec 08, 2017 at 07:02 PM #77 Yes... a big relief...
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sky457 Member Member Since Oct 2017 Location: West US Posts: 261 6 1,089 hugs given	Dec 14, 2017 at 06:29 PM #80 Map, I’m sorry. What she has done to you is brutal and continues to be so. Hold your ground. Be unwavering, you deserve the best. Last edited by sky457; Dec 14, 2017 at 07:11 PM.. Reason: Typo
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